Monday, October 26, 2015

Sociopaths on television: Doctor Who

From a reader:

I suspect you've heard this from many, but the latest Doctor Who seems to have borrowed not only your style but your name. You really might value seeing the latest episode, "The Woman Who Lived", about an involuntarily immortal woman who has lived so long she has ceased to feel or care, and who happens to be a thrill~seeking, nihilistic, face~changing highwayman in a mask. Being Doctor Who, the romantic morality goes places I would prefer it didn't, but Ashildr/Me is still a fascinating portrait.

DOCTOR: Anyone in that village would have died for you.
ME: Well, they're all dead now, and here I am. So, I guess it all worked out.

DOCTOR: Ashildr...

ME: That's not my name. I don't even remember that name.

DOCTOR: Well, what... what do you call yourself?

ME: "Me".

DOCTOR: Yes, you, there's nobody else here.

ME: No, I call myself "Me". All the other names I chose died with whoever knew me. "Me" is who I am now. No one's mother, daughter, wife. My own companion. Singular. Unattached. Alone. Anyway, I should get started. Jump on, I'll give you a ride. You can help me.

You can find the episode here:
https://www.animmex.com/video/10635/doctor-who-2005-s09e06-the-woman-who-lived

​~~~

​I read your book two years ago, and it started a process of self~understanding which has finally brought peace and sense to a perplexing life. In the process, I've gained an education in psychology and the diversities of the human condition more valuable than my degree in philosophy. Thank you.

I'm an escort, dominatrix, and live~in mistress, residing in a tolerant country which allows me a more~or~less openly antisocial lifestyle. I feel next to nothing for others, and in what people call morality I experience as something like a logical fallacy. I live a reasonably peaceful life entertaining people, but I think I could commit genocide and feel only curiosity, power, and excitement. "I am my freedom", to quote Sartre, and I would not wish it any other way.

[Continue on for spoilers]

in case you haven't seen the episode I should warn you (I didn't want to spoil), that the episode suddenly pulls Me's sociopathic personality at the last possible moment.

"Redeeming", softening, or retconning evidently sociopathic characters (Sherlock, Dexter, Rick from Rick and Morty, Capaldi's Doctor from last season) seems to be a thing television writers feel compelled to do. Just like lesbians used to be portrayed as going straight once they find the right man, and Jews were once supposed to convert to Christianity by the end of the play.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Lolita on identity

“I have often noticed that we are inclined to endow our friends with the stability of type that literary characters acquire in the reader's mind. [...] Whatever evolution this or that popular character has gone through between the book covers, his fate is fixed in our minds, and, similarly, we expect our friends to follow this or that logical and conventional pattern we have fixed for them. Thus X will never compose the immortal music that would clash with the second-rate symphonies he has accustomed us to. Y will never commit murder. Under no circumstances can Z ever betray us. We have it all arranged in our minds, and the less often we see a particular person, the more satisfying it is to check how obediently he conforms to our notion of him every time we hear of him. Any deviation in the fates we have ordained would strike us as not only anomalous but unethical. We could prefer not to have known at all our neighbor, the retired hot-dog stand operator, if it turns out he has just produced the greatest book of poetry his age has seen.”

― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Applauding intolerance

Today I saw a quote mistakenly attributed to Meryl Streep that has gotten a ton of traction for some reason on social media. It actually comes from (apparently) some relatively unknown Portuguese writer who is now attempting to have the quote correctly attributed to him for some reason:

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.

I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”

Ok, starts off sort of ok, then quickly turns to choosing not to coexist with certain aspects of humanity, not tolerating certain aspects of humanity (hating comparisons? really, hate?), avoiding people who are rigid and inflexible (are you rigid and inflexible in saying these things?), bored by exaggerations (which is probably the most pretentious things that I've read today, but I haven't read too much), and having difficulty accepting people who don't happen to find as much joy in animals as this guy seems to. Really? You're not going to struggle "accepting" someone who is not a fan of animals?

To me this on its face, and as evidenced by all of the "likes" and "shares" it has garnered, seems to be clearly celebrating intolerance. When I first read it and thought it might have been Meryl Streep, I thought, ok, you are maybe just a little like all of the other kind of racist/intolerant/bigoted old people I know who have gradually seemed to be less tolerant of difference, either in people, viewpoints, or activities -- things and people that may or may not directly affect you, yet you are still "displeased" with the very thought of them. 

You can't handily write off huge swaths of human behavior as being beyond tolerance, patience, or even coexistence and be seen as a lover of mankind. No one has to tolerate people who are easy to get along with or things that you already like. Tolerating only comes into play with things that are hard for you to deal with, displease you, or hurt you. And what does it mean to deserve someone else's patience? It really makes you wonder, who would be worthy of this guy's patience? It reminds me of another quote that I have seen in the feeds of my not immediate family "if you're helping someone and expecting something in return, you're doing business not kindness". Similarly, if you are being patient with someone who you kind of think is great or tolerating someone that is really pretty similar to you, you're not actually being patient or tolerant, are you? I'm not necessarily saying this guy is wrong for thinking or saying these things, I'm just saying that this is exactly the sort of thing that sociopaths get castigated for -- seeing and valuing other people merely for what effect they have on you rather than allowing them to be their own individual expression of humanity that deserves equal shrift to your own. 

See, as I type this I indicate to you that I clearly have a distaste for certain types of things. This type of attitude, for instance. But I don't think it's abhorrent or repulsive, or not deserving of my tolerance or patience, and I don't think that I can just choose not to coexist with people like this. Because everyone in the world is different from me. I'm sure there is no one who shares exactly my tastes and opinions on every single issue. The arrogance is not in assuming he is right to think these things, because of course when we form opinions that's a form of thinking we're right, that's what it means to form an opinion and we do it hundreds if not thousands of times a day. The arrogance comes from dismissing or punishing or otherwise treating people more poorly for having certain opinions dissimilar to yours, at least or perhaps particularly when those opinions don't affect you at all (how is this guy offended by whether I like animals or not?). 

But people love this quote for some reason. Why?

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Am I sociopathic?

From a reader:

Hi. A friend of mine recently told me she did some research on sociopaths and she's very worried that I share a lot of the same traits. I agreed I would go and see a therapist, and a sociopath wouldn't willing go to therapy, correct?

I've always known I was different from other people, but I watched and I learned and I acted. When I was younger I always assumed everyone else did the same. That society was formed by everyone watching and mirroring each other. When I became a teenager I realized my friends were truly genuine, and I was different. This didn't bother me however, I just knew I was different.

When I was 14, I became "depressed." My parents were extremely worried because I was no longer focusing on school, my friendships were failing, I stayed home sick many days each month. I became very frustrated with myself and I didn't understand why going to school and putting on a happy face and pretending to be interested in everyone else was so easy for my friends. It seemed exhausting to me. Soon I became bored of feeling tired and empty all the time, so I started to self harm. I cut my arms a few times. I didn't hate myself or feel miserable or anything like that, I just wanted some excitement. I wanted to see how my parents would react. The doctors continued to prescribe medicine and treat me for depression until I convinced them I was doing fine. It was like I knew it was wrong to make my parents believe I was seriously depressed and/or suicidal, but I just wanted to try it anyway. It was like it hurt them more than it hurt me to harm myself, but I didn't care.
I also have a tendency to lie, but only if it will help me to get something I need or want. I don't go out of my way to tell lies, just for fun. I just know that I'm very convincing and I recognize that it's not right of me to lie, but it works so I don't stop.

The last thing I've noticed about myself is that I've always been able to get obsessed with people easily. Not people I know personally, but celebrities or even fictional characters. Certain celebrities or characters I just like right off the bat. There's something that draws my attention to them. This liking quickly turns into a full blown obsession.

When I become obsessed with someone, say a character in a movie; I constantly watch only their scenes in the movie. I'll watch them over and over and start to mimic their behavior. I study how they act and start to try to think like them. I sometimes change my voice to talk like them. I begin dressing like them. I never bring them up to family/ friends but the obsession is always in the back of my mind. I find people I like and I try to mirror them exactly. The strange part is I'm usually very good at it.

Now that I've told you everything I believe is relevant to the situation, I'm wondering if you can offer some insight.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Money changes poor people's personalities

Personality traits are so interesting to me. Some people find them to be so rigid -- "Oh, I always do that..." or "Scorpios are just like that." Identity is such an interesting topic to me right now. I have recently become obsessed with this idea of an absolute diva of an opera singer, except she was born in 300 BC in Africa before opera was invented and possibly even before the advent of agriculture in her area, so obviously if she excels at anything, it's hunting/gathering. My religion (Mormonism) has a particularly interesting context for these identity mind puzzles, because we believe that everyone existed before this world and had an entire other life before this existence, which makes accidents of fate seem especially problematic in terms of being emblematic of identity. Another realization I had recently was how easily I slip into the "reality" of a dream. I am only rarely aware that I am actually in a dream. Otherwise, I am 100% committed to my new life as fill-in-the-blank dream scenario, as if that was and has always been the only life I ever experienced. That seems crazy to me, and sort of disloyal to my current reality, particularly since it's so easy and my mind is so ready to do it.

Along those lines of what is identity and how malleable our personality traits can be, this Washington Post article talks about a natural experiment in which people at, below, or around the poverty line were given additional money, and the resulting impact on the children in those families:

Twenty years ago, a group of researchers began tracking the personalities of 1,420 low income children in North Carolina. At the time, the goal was simple: to observe the mental conditions of kids living in rural America. But then a serendipitous thing happened.

Four years into The Great Smoky Mountains Study of Youth, the families of roughly a quarter of the children saw a dramatic and unexpected increase in annual income. They were members of the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians, and a casino had just been built on the reservation. From that point on every tribal citizen earned a share of the profits, meaning about an extra $4,000 a year per capita.

For these families, the extra padding was a blessing, enough to boost household incomes by almost 20 percent on average. But for the fields of psychology, sociology and economics, it has been a gold mine, too. The sudden change in fortunes has offered a rare glimpse into the subtle but important ways in which money can alter a child’s life. The dataset is so rich that researchers continue to study it to this day.

The impact on the children's personalities was actually quite strong:

Not only did the extra income appear to lower the instance of behavioral and emotional disorders among the children, but, perhaps even more important, it also boosted two key personality traits that tend to go hand in hand with long-term positive life outcomes.

The first is conscientiousness. People who lack it tend to lie, break rules and have trouble paying attention. The second is agreeableness, which leads to a comfort around people and aptness for teamwork. And both are strongly correlated with various forms of later life success and happiness.

The researchers also observed a slight uptick in neuroticism, which, they explained, is a good sign. Neuroticism is generally considered to be a positive trait so long as one does not have too much of it.
***
Remarkably, the change was the most pronounced in the children who were the most deficient. "This actually reduces inequality with respect to personality traits," said Akee. "On average, everyone is benefiting, but in particular it's helping the people who need it the most."

Why? They're still not sure, but also correlated was a better relationship between spouses, better relationship between parents and children, and less alcohol consumption.

What hope for those past childhood age?

For the most part, scientists agree that the window for improvement in a child's cognitive abilities is short-lived. By the age of about 8, children have set themselves on a path, Akee said. What comes next happens, more or less, within the confines of the limits that were created in their early years.

One's personality, on the other hand, is malleable well into adolescence. What's more, the changes tend to be fairly permanent.

"All of the evidence points to the idea if they change in the teenage years, they will stay changed forever," said Akee. "In this case, the kids will likely maintain a different level of conscientiousness and agreeableness for life."

Experts have known about the power of intervention for some time. A lot of previous research has shown that educational interventions can have sizable impacts on personality traits and, in turn, life outcomes. But rarely, if ever before, have researchers been able to observe the impact of a change in income across such a large group.

I read a lot of stuff that suggests that adults with childhood trauma or other less than ideal childhood circumstances should stop whining, pull themselves up by their bootstraps, and otherwise become a normal and contributing member of society. I'm sure improvement is always possible, but I know for a fact that some (most?) simply do not have the capacity to do anything of the sort, and due to circumstances that were and still remain totally beyond their control. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

"What is it Like to Never Have Felt an Emotion?"

Asks the BBC in this article of the same name sent to me by a reader about alexithymia. It makes some interesting points. I'll highlight a few.

The causes:

Today, it seems clear that there may be many types of alexithymia. While some might have trouble expressing emotions, others (like Caleb) might not even be conscious of the feelings in the first place. Richard Lane, at the University of Arizona compares it to people who have gone blind after damage to the visual cortex; despite having healthy eyes, they can’t see the images. In the same way, a damaged neural circuit involved in emotional processing might prevent sadness, happiness or anger from bursting into consciousness. (Using the analogy of the Russian doll, their emotions are breaking down at the second shell of feeling – their bodies are reacting normally, but the sensations don’t merge to form an emotional thought or feeling.) “Maybe the emotion gets activated, you even have the bodily responses, but it happens without you being consciously aware of the emotion,” he says.

Along these lines, a few recent fMRI scanning studies have found signs of a more basic perceptual problem in some types of alexithymia. Goerlich-Dobre, for instance, found reduced grey matter in areas of the cingulate cortex serving self-awareness, potentially blocking a conscious representation of the emotions. And André Aleman at the University Medical Centre in Groningen, the Netherlands, detected some deficits in areas associated with attention when alexithymics look at emotionally charged-pictures; it was as if their brains just weren’t registering the feelings. “I think this fits quite well with [Lane’s] theory,” says Aleman – who had initially suspected other causes. “We have to admit they are right.”

Interestingly, this connection to other physical disorders:

Further work could also pin down the puzzling link to so-called “somatic disorders”, such as chronic pain and irritable bowel syndrome, that seem to be unusually common in people with alexithymia. Lane suggests it’s down to a kind of “short-circuit” in the brain, created by the emotional blindness. Normally, he says, the conscious perception of emotions can help damp down the physical sensations associated with the feeling. “If you can consciously process and allow the feeling to evolve – if you engage the frontal areas of the brain, you recruit mechanisms that have a top down, modulatory effect on bodily processes,” says Lane. Without the emotional outlet, however, the mind could get stuck on the physical feelings, potentially amplifying the responses. As Goerlich-Dobre puts it: “They are hypersensitive to bodily perceptions, and not able to focus on anything else, which might be one reason why they develop chronic pain.” (Some studies, have in fact found that alexes are often abnormally sensitive to bodily sensations, although other experiments have found conflicting evidence.)

My neurotherapist actually suggested that what I perceive to be food allergies (I basically eat the same 10 foods for 90% of my nutrition) might actually be emotional distress that I am not aware of but that is still registering physically in these negative ways. 

The way one of the sufferers connects with emotions is often an academic exercise:

Physical sensations certainly seem to dominate Caleb’s descriptions of difficult events, such as periods of separation from his family. “I don’t miss people, as far as I can tell. If I’m gone, and don’t see someone for a long period, it’s a case of out of sight, out of mind,” he says. “But I do feel physically a kind of pressure or stress when I’m not around my wife or my child for a couple of days.”
***Caleb, too, has visited a cognitive behavioural therapist to help with his social understanding, and through conscious effort he is now better able to analyse the physical feelings and to equate it with emotions that other people may feel. Although it remains a somewhat academic exercise, the process helps him to try to grasp his wife’s feelings and to see why she acts the way she does.

And finally the obligatory knock on sociopaths, because heaven forbid someone confuse your total lack of emotions and affective empathy with something as so way different as psychopathy:

Ultimately, he wants to emphasise that emotional blindness does not make one unkind, or selfish. “It may be hard to believe, but it is possible for someone to be cut off completely from the emotions and imagination that are such a big part of what makes us humans,” he says. “And that a person can be cut off from emotions without being heartless, or a psychopath.”

Monday, October 12, 2015

Brain Broad radio show

Sorry, I missed notifying anyone about the original broadcast of me being on this web radio show. If you're interested, I believe that you can download it here for a limited time:  https://www.hightail.com/download/bXBhcXlrNkc4NVdFQk1UQw

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Quote: unlimited by obvious realities

“The problems of the world cannot possibly be solved by skeptics or cynics whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities. We need men who can dream of things that never were."

JFK

Friday, October 9, 2015

Only 36% of Psychology Findings Replicable

One of my friends was just diagnosed with a psychological disorder that does not yet exist, her therapist says, but is very likely to be added as an autism spectrum disorder in the DSM-6. It made me smile a little to hear and I realized that I forgot to write anything about this back in August. This NY Times article, "Psychologists Welcome Analysis Casting Doubt on Their Work" reports:

The field of psychology sustained a damaging blow Thursday: A new analysis found that only 36 percent of findings from almost 100 studies in the top three psychology journals held up when the original experiments were rigorously redone.

After the report was published by the journal Science, commenters on Facebook wisecracked about how “social” and “science” did not belong in the same sentence.

Yet within the field, the reception was much different. Along with pockets of disgruntlement and outrage — no one likes the tired jokes, not to mention having doubt cast on their work — there was a sense of relief. One reason, many psychologists said, is that the authors of the new report were fellow researchers, not critics. It was an inside job.

“It’s like we’ve come clean,” said Alan Kraut, the executive director of the Association for Psychological Science, which publishes one of the journals analyzed in the new report. “This kind of correction is something that has to happen across science, and I’m proud that psychology is leading the charge on this.”

My friend was relating to me how her therapist walked her through her diagnosis, including regarding how he had eliminated personality disorder as a possible diagnosis. He explained to her that to diagnose any personality disorder, the person first has to fit into the parent category "personality disorder", and only then (at least officially, or at least apparently) can the mental health professional diagnose you with a specific form of personality disorder. I thought of how my current therapist diagnosed me with personality disorder not otherwise specified with features of ASPD because he said that the ASPD was more developing than fully developed, like a tween I guess. Which I sort of preferred, as it's a much nicer thing to tell people if I was ever required to do so by a police state or something.

I try to keep an open mind about psychology, but it's hard not to think that if you went to a dozen different mental health professionals, you might not get at least several different diagnoses out of the bunch. I'd actually be super curious if someone were to do this as a study -- what sort of agreement do mental health professionals have in their diagnoses in practice. I'm sure it's already been done?

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Harm OCD?

I have always had an obsessive streak. My favorite movie is Vertigo, which is all about obsession. My current therapist attributes this to me having features of obsessive compulsive personality disorder (not OCD). It's interesting because I've always thought of my obsessiveness as being a sociopathic trait -- possibly a symptom of hyper focus or other attentional issues -- but he sees it as being somewhat inconsistent with that diagnosis (at least of an ASPD diagnosis). 

Somewhat along those lines, here's the self-report of a youngster who has been diagnosed with Harm OCD (which I had never heard about before) but questions whether there are actually elements of psychopathy about it:

Hi, I'm 13 and I've been reading your blog a lot lately, I think you are the right person to ask.

I know that I can't ask you for too much without paying you, but I hope you at least tell me whether I'm actually psychopathic or I have Harm OCD, I've asked a psychiatrist and he told me that I have Harm OCD

It's a long story but I think that it'll help you to improve your opinion I should tell you everythinhg.

Sorry if there are many mistakes but I'm spanish.
(Is the ability to learn a second language by yourself a psychopathic trait?)

Two months ago I was playing videogames with my friend and he was searching "Scary Videos". He stumbled upon a really scary one, but at the moment I was just scared and nothing else. 
The real problem started when I went to bed, so I had a horrible intrusive thought (Do you need me to tell exactly the thoughts for a better diagnosis?) about my young brother, who sleeps in the same room as me. I started sweating, shaking and crying and wanting to hit my head against the wall until the thoughts left. So the next few days I was worried and searching compulsively about it on the internet, just taking sanity tests.

Also during those days I was overly nice to my family, is that psychopathic?
But in like three days I just woke up and the thoughts didn't seem to be there.

I kept worrying a bit about exactly why I had had those thoughts but I just tried to ignore it.

It was a week later when I was having lunch and I thought 'Have I had these thoughts lately?No'. And then some other intrusive thoughts came in. 
So it was then when I just started impulsively surfing the Internet reading every article and taking every test about psychopathy that I found. I was just so confused because it kinda didn't really fit me but I just kept thinking about it all day long. 
Then it was all more or less the same.

But I found your blog and it was like heaven, I read them and they were pure relief.
But some of my biggest doubts is that sometimes I get graphic intrusive thoughts and sometimes they're just like " I hate this person" when I just don't.


And also taking everything from my past and analisyng them as psychopathic signs
For example: I loved a girl for some years and I didn't ever dare to talk to her, and I just started thinking 'Maybe that's psychopathic' or 'Maybe I didn't love her', while before the thoughts I spent most time  thinking that I should've talked to her and was completely sure that I loved her.

Also lately I've gotten angry very quickly and I just wanted to be alone crying without them noticing, and I started classes today and it has affected me really badly, I'm at school and I just wanna surf the web trying to find out whether I have OCD or actually something horrible.

I have also been having suicide thoughts, but they're not as the intrusive thoughts, they're coherent ideas and actually the only reason keeping me from killing myself is that I don't want my brother grow up in that situation; but then I thought Ïs it better to kill myself so that I make sure I don't hurt anyone but affect his childhood, or stay alive hoping I have OCD and not something worse.

Also I've been wishing to go to a therapist but I don't really know what to tell my parents. Like, it's all been so sudden; before the summer started I just cried monthly because I didn't talk to the girl I love, but when the thoughts came I want to cry every three minutes. 

Most nights I dream about going to therapy and I beg that if there's some god it must either kill me or take the thoughts out of my mind. I haven't had any mental illness in my life, or at least I don't know about having any (maybe I've had some slight depression when I found out that I wouldn't be able to ever talk to my first love (because I changed of school).

Also I've stopped doing some things, I loved watching movies but lately I just can't, I watched two movies other day but no more.

I also have noticed that lately I've been crying a lot because of the death of Robín Williams or Philip Seymour Hoffman or sad news on TV. While I didn't do that often.

Now I'm gonna tell you what I think is the signs that might define me as psychopathic: 
When I was a kid and I got caught doing something bad I would feel guilt, but I would lie so I didn't could get away with it. I also have a high IQ and bedwetted until I was 9.

Can you explain this all?, ask me whatever you want, Will this affect me at school? Am I psychopathic? Is this dangerous? Will I do something bad? How can I tell my parents that I need a therapist? (I've never told anyone about this because I thought it was something worse?) Thanks a lot and if you can help me a bit thanks, thanks and thanks.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Everyone's a little racist

I was thinking the other day about this song, and especially this line "everyone's a little racist sometimes, doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes." Kind of funny way to think of the difference between what conditions are necessary for some bad thing (racism is probably necessary for hate crimes) versus what is sufficient for hate crimes (not all racists commit hate crimes). Also good to remember that it's easier to judge others for attributes that we probably have in ourselves as well.


Thursday, October 1, 2015

Sociopaths on Netflix: "Psycho-pass"

From a reader:

There's this anime, "Psycho-pass" that I just discovered. It's about psychopaths and sociopaths being convicted before they commit any crimes, because of their psychological profile. I thought you might have some interest in it. 

It's full of quotes like 

"- She's frightened and confused, you don't have to use the dominator on her!

- You know the dominators are connected straight to Sibyl. The city system itself has determined this woman is a threat to society. Think about what that means.

- And you're just perfectly fine with shooting an innocent woman?! I refuse to accept that's right!"

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

"A Special Education"

... the title of this New York Times piece, in which the author relates his experience of suffering from what sounds like would be diagnosed nowadays as oppositional defiant disorder, and consequently being sent to a special education school in which he quickly stopped picking fights because the kids "fought like grown-ups. If you hit someone in the arm, he might hit you back in the face or the genitals." Despite the frequent violence from his peers and common apathy from "the system", he finds himself wondering about the value of the experience: 

Was riding the short bus for three years a good or a bad thing for me? I’m not sure. When I graduated from high school, I could not find New Jersey or Connecticut on a map. But one incident that happened in that first tumultuous year in fourth grade makes special ed invaluable in my adult eyes.

I realized after I got on the bus one morning that I’d forgotten my lunch and that there wasn’t any place near the office building to get food. When lunch period came, I was fearful, not because I’d go hungry, but because any public mistake was routinely seized upon by the other kids. “Idiot forgot his lunch” would make great fodder.

While the others unwrapped their sandwiches and unscrewed thermoses, I waited silently, looking down.

“Hey, man, why aren’t you eating?” a kid asked.

“F’rg’t m’lunch,” I muttered.

A whisper was passed down the table; here it comes, I thought.

A rectangular object wrapped in shiny foil whizzed through the air and hit me in the chest. I opened it and found half a bologna sandwich. An apple rolled my way, followed by half a turkey on rye, which I caught in midair. A bag of chips was slid down to me.

I looked up and all at the table were smiling at me.

“What do you say, Josh?” the teacher asked.

“Thank you,” I whispered to the class.

“Don’t mention it.”

“No problem.”

“You’re welcome, doofus.”

I held my breath in response to the sudden volcano in my belly and quickly shifted my gaze to my shoes, but it was no use. I knew how to squelch emotion in response to violence, but had not known mercy, kindness and warmth, and was not prepared for the waterfall erupting from my face. I sprang up from the table to run away and hide my feelings from the class, but was blocked by one of the teachers’ aides. I ran full speed into her arms, burying my face. She wrapped both arms tightly around me and maneuvered me quickly out into the hall, quietly closing the door behind her. She held me while I gasped and sobbed, my tears and snot staining her dress. She didn’t ask me what was wrong; she just held me. I looked up after a minute and saw she was crying, too.

In that moment I felt for the first time what it was like to be supported and accepted, taken care of rather than yelled at, punished or shunted off, which is how most people react to children who are violent or feral. Special ed got me directly in touch with a deeper place in the same way music would later on.

I think a lot of people see adult sociopaths and gate them and fail to see that they just happened to be born with that disposition with childhood experiences that triggered the development of those traits. I know that children with issues are easy to get angry at and to want to punish or scare straight. If those tactics worked, I would be 100% behind them too. But they don't. Not on these kids. So how can you justify treating a child like that? They may not seem as innocent as other children, but they can't help the way they are anymore than any other child can.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

More on neurofeedback and EMDR

From a reader:

I found your Neurofeedback article highly interesting. Actually, many of your contemplations recently have been thought provoking for me, and quite useful in testing some of my own understandings.

In your post, you wrote the following:

my talk therapist suggested that the problem with the neurofeedback technology and techniques are that the brain changes are there, but that they don't last.

I posted a comment encouraging you to challenge the idea that the neuroplasticity you experienced can only be temporary. In the comment, I noted that EMDR can be similar in that it can provide temporary new pathways that fade. However, my experience was that those EMDR sessions in which I changed a belief were all that was needed to make permanent changes. The key is the change in underlying belief. I'll give you some examples for reference.

It took one session for me to let go of the need to impress my narcissistic father because I changed my belief from "I need Dad's approval" to "I'm an adult and I look after myself." Seriously, sorted right there. The following interactions I've had with him have been totally different in nature and I feel comfortable relating to him as a fellow adult. I can see his narcissistic behaviours and don't take them personally.

EMDR wasn't successful in helping me get over my relationship with the psychopath, A., (whom I've referred to previously as the FNP.) It did provide temporary relief, but I was still clinging to him in my mind.

My psychologist just didn't understand the depth to which the hooks had sunk. I knew, but didn't know what they were latched to in my own mind. Understanding finally that my psychologist couldn't help me, I helped myself. Probably exactly what I needed to do!

I've used many different resources recently to change my behaviour, my philosophy and my very self. Of these, the most useful have been Christopher S. Hyatt's books, particularly Undoing Yourself with energized meditation and other devices and Energized Hyposis: a non-book for self change. These are all about brain-change willed. And they've worked.

I'll share a journal entry with you. I hope it inspires you to continue in whatever direction you choose.

I finished working through the Energized Hypnosis book, at least those parts I can do now - the body scan exercises at the end are progressive.

The basic tenets of the book are that:
Under rumination and behaviour, there are feelings. Under the feelings, there is a belief. These belief-driven pathways are patterns that were most likely encoded at a very young age (before 7 or 8), before the brain was mature enough to understand scope and context.
The beliefs served a useful purpose then. They are most likely limiting now.
You can change your beliefs while still meeting the useful purpose.

Those were the biggest insights for me. The book leads you to understand these insights in a very practical way (which is why Hyatt and Iwema call it a 'non-book'.)

It didn't take me long to move past A. and go deeper. That wasn't exactly easy, mind you, but it was made easier by understanding my feelings of fear that no one will see me or understand me were driven by some belief... now where did that come from?

Well, guess, lol.

Book: To change a belief or behaviour, engage with it at its own level of communication and always be respectful to yourself.

So I went a bit deeper and a part of me said this:
 
I don't know where I am or what I am supposed to be doing

That's the part of me that has been hiding my whole life. The part that is petrified of not being noticed.

So I told that part of myself that I will listen to it. I will practice listening (the book encourages you to speak kindly as if to a young child who is scared or upset.)

Then, that part of me said of my father:

He scared me. I had to be either very, very quiet or do wild things so he would notice me. Wild things that he wanted to do. Him, not me.

The book then takes you through some steps for changing the underlying belief - identifying it's useful purposes and finding better, more suitable behaviours for NOW. The good thing is that my psychologist was already encouraging me to do new things (like booking this holiday) and I have been doing things of my own volition... so all of this is cascading very pleasantly for me.

A friend of mine has said I am "primed for change."

So here is what I wrote as my preferred behaviours (rather than squashing my own feelings and preferences and deferring to others; and always feeling I need to handle things on my own):

I will trust my own self to protect me.
I will ask questions to understand and to collaborate
I will present my ideas and solutions
I want to collaborate and grow and develop my practices. I want this to flow from the spring of energy inside me.

My new beliefs are:

I can take care of myself
I am curious, intelligent and adaptable
I have great energy!

The book also suggests adopting a new, unrelated behaviour which acts as another signal to the brain that change is occurring. I have chosen to clap my hands three times in the morning, evening and at any other appropriate time. 

Honestly, I feel good. I feel that all this stuff is resolving. I have new tools to understand my mind and how it works, and all the possibilities I have dreamed of are far closer. I am glad to have worked so hard on my philosophical understandings because the next step is truly mine; I diverge from Hyatt at this point, as I should. I think, from reading other material, that he sees power as the greatest good, the way of obtaining the happiest life. I, however, see power only as a factor in the pursuit of freedom, with freedom to choose being the greatest good. And this freedom comes from knowing your own mind rather than controlling external factors.

So that's pretty personal. I feel that it's resolved, although I did worry for a few days. I feel genuinely free and able to pursue my own interests in full trust of my own being.

I don't know if the end result for me is relevant to you, but I do think you can become more of who you are and be a genuinely self-willed human. 

North

PS re

"Making the little green boat move with my brain waves while keeping the red and yellow boats still in the little electronic regatta made me realize: (1) my thought patterns are a lot more fixed and beyond my control than I realize and (2) because I consciously process so much information as it comes into my brain, I am less open minded. By the latter I mean that my very mechanism of trying to consciously process as much information as I can rather than letting the subconscious deal with it requires me to quickly categorize the data as being interesting or important or not, and always according to my pre-existing criteria. I've always thought that this made me function higher cognitively because less is getting past me, but I realized that it also has the weird but predictable effect of making me search for familiar patterns and thus be closed minded to truly new things, concepts, or types of information."

I recommend reading about beginner's mind.

Our "original mind" includes everything within itself. It is always rich and sufficient within itself. You should not lose your self-sufficient state of mind. This does not mean a closed mind, but actually an empty mind and a ready mind. If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything. In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's mind there are few.
-- Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

not the best article, but ok: http://zenhabits.net/how-to-live-life-to-the-max-with-beginners-mind/

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Sociopathic diversity

I am always interested to hear different perspectives from people who identify as being sociopathic. I think it's easy to hear from people who are at different stages in their lives or who have had different experiences and co-morbidities or different intensities of the sociopathic traits. For instance, before I ever experienced anxiety (about 5 years ago), I would have never thought myself capable of it and if anyone had told me that they thought they were sociopathic but experienced anxiety, I would have thought that couldn't be true. (It's a mixed blessing to now not be so sure of myself about things like that or anything else really).

I thought this description from a reader illustrated some of this diversity:

Its such a relief to know that I am not alone. So much of what you have said on this blog rings unbelievably true. Ive never been a very honest person. Honesty has never been priority because i know that if people really knew my motivations, intentions and feelings that i would be socially outcasted. My ability to change personalities to fit into and mimic whatever social scene I am in is the only way i can fill the strange lack of feeling that ive experienced ever since i was a child. 

 I am exhausted from being villainized and shamed for my sexuality and inconsistency and impulsive actions. Maybe i am just projecting when i say this, but I cant accept that I am worse or not as worthy of life just because I lie and have flexible ethicals. Other people cause just as much, if not more, harm to their fellow man with honesty and set value systems. Everyone is selfish and careless at some points in their lives, or at least they should be. I think having flexible character and morals is so much more valuable then having identities and morals that you would go to war over. 

I have fit into many places and situations with wild success by mixing beautiful concoctions of lies and the truth. These partial narratives have created my outward identity. But in these narratives i do give glimpses of truth and with this i have been working on piecing together my true personal identity. What i have found about myself, is that I am complicated and have a rich story to tell. 
I will never identify as a sociopath because it feels like a betrayal. I have tried to "define" or "identify" myself as many things to cover up for some of my unconventional behaviors. Ive tried being a sex/love addict to explain my cheating and jumping from partner to partner, or bipolar to explain my sometimes wild actions. Ive claimed that people close to me have died just to explain being unnecessarily emotional, so no one will know where my anger or agitation is really coming from.  The truth is though that i don't have an excuse that i can give people, other then coming out as a sociopath. But If i claimed the title "sociopath" i risk making the term inauthentic to myself. 

I Had a good childhood. no real traumas. I am successful and privileged and damn lucky in my exploits. I have no reason to think that this world is lonely, random and inescapably disastrous. But thats how i know the world to be. And whats interesting is that that doesn't bother me. we as individuals are too small for it to matter what we go through because for all we know the universe as we know it is just a micro combustion; the spark of a flint striking steal in a bigger picture we can not see or conceive of.  

That was sort of a long winded rant but I needed to share it for some reason with someone who might understand because you shared with all of us. you really are an inspiring character and excellent example of a slice of society no one wants to look at. 

I really identified with this: "I have no reason to think that this world is lonely, random and inescapably disastrous. But thats how i know the world to be." I think it describes well the way the world looks like when you don't have any of the usual emotional/love/hope/etc. wool over your eyes like others do (but obviously still other types of wool -- sociopaths are not immune to their own delusions about themselves and the world.).

Monday, September 21, 2015

"How psychopaths can save your life"

... is the title of a Kevin Dutton piece in the Guardian that I retweeted. Here are some quotable quotes:

This “new science” of psychopathy has met with resistance from many clinicians. And with good reason: their job means they only get to meet bad psychopaths. I’ve met them, too. But I have also met people more likely to save your life than take it. I wouldn’t go for a curry with many of them. But if a kid of mine had a brain tumour or my other half was on an airliner that had been taken over by al-Qaida I know who I’d like to see scrubbing up or storming the aisle. Those who go where angels fear to tread often have more in common than you might think with the demons they rub shoulders with.

Much is written about the stigmatisation of mental illness, but we still have a long way to go. What headline writer worth their weight in bold would dream of vilifying autistic individuals or victims of depression or PTSD in the same way that they pillory “psychos”? Last year in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, I and my co-authors presented the first published evidence that psychopathic traits – especially those linked to the personality dimension “fearless dominance” – are positively associated with holding leadership and management positions as well as high-risk occupations, such as police work and firefighting.

Next time you hear the word “psycho” spare a thought for the functional diaspora of card-carrying psychopaths who aren’t “psychos”. Who by their ruthlessness and fearlessness do good. And who, with their low-fat consciences and sugar-free emotions, execute the knife-edge transactions that can improve the lives of the rest of us. “You never know,” as Andy McNab points out, “next time you use the word ‘psycho’ it might even be as a compliment.”

Saturday, September 19, 2015

"My experience of you" vs. "real you"

It's funny once you become aware of something and it's on your radar, you start both (1) seeing other instances of it and (2) you understand what's going on in those instances. For instance, I remember at one time in my life not understanding the meaning of the Fleetwood Mac song Landslide, and I also remember there being a very specific (although I've forgotten it now, ha) moment in which I suddenly understood it and it applied perfectly to my situation at that time.

I've always liked this Bjork song, but a few months ago I finally understood it:


I watched the first episode of the Netflix comedy Grace and Frankie, sort of an odd couple dynamic between two women whose husbands leave them for each other. Frankie is hippy dippy, Grace is rich white lady. But it also had an example of the sort of defining someone's identity that I mentioned in the last post:

Frankie: I lost my best friend. You don't even like Robert. 

Grace: You have no right to judge me. You don't know us. 

Frankie [clears throat] I'm sorry, I was judging by my experience of you, not the real you. That was wrong of me. 

I thought, that's a good distinction to make -- judging by our experience of a person versus whatever the real them is. We would never assume that we know all there is to France and French people after watching a French film or visiting Paris. Why do we feel so sure of ourselves in terms of our ability to judge someone's character after seeing a similar small sliver of the real them.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Defining others = emotional abuse

One thing that I liked about the way the neurofeedback guy approached the whole dream interpretation thing, though, is that he didn't try to tell me who I am or what my dream meant. He asked me. My therapist is also huge on that -- will let me drift and drift and drift for months and years even until I learn a particular principle for myself. He says it's because that's essentially the best (only?) way for lasting change.

Sometimes I see people in life and here trying to tell people their truth, and I certainly have been 100% guilty of that in the past. I'm not sure if the impulse to dictate someone's truth is more likely to come from a largely ignorant or mislead desire to help or from a more ego driven desire to tear someone down or to build ourselves up as the keeper of Truths (capital T) about the world and other people. One thing that I have learned from therapy is how sacrosanct people's concept of identity is, and how so many behaviors can be traced to their identity, often negative behaviors occur when people believe that their identity is being threatened or has been mangled somehow. And one major type of psychological/emotional abuse is for the perpetrator to pretend to have the power to define the people in his or her life -- either as explicitly negative things like being stupid, no good, incompetent, ugly, or even as things that appear to be neutral but still are oppressive because some outside force as deigned to tell you what your thoughts, feelings, motives, etc. are and to try to impose their view of the world on you. These efforts are as emotionally violent to a person's sense of self or identity as punching them in the face, in fact most people would probably prefer to be punched in the face and have that unwanted invasion of one's personal space than they would an assault on the very thing that makes life seem worth living for most and what Victor Frankl credits in part to his survival in the concentration camps -- the no matter their circumstances, they still have absolute control over how they choose to view their circumstances and the power to define for themselves what they know to be basic and unassailable identity truths.

One reader posted in the "resources" post a book from this psychologist, that has coined the term "verbal abuse" and has written several books on the phenomenon:



It's interesting, she suggests that men who do this are much more likely to be trained out of it -- she believes because they have been accidentally trained into it as part of their socialization to be a "man" in this society. My brother said something like that to me once -- that he realized that he was a horrible boyfriend and was always undermining his girlfriend's sense of self in subtle ways to get her to be more what he needed and wanted her to be. After he realized what he was doing, he was able to stop. But there are others who have slipped into this behavior who apparently are not self aware enough to stop. She believes that most women emotional abusers fall into this category only because they're less likely to have stumbled into the behavior accidentally from a place of otherwise psychological normalcy. Consequently, if it shows up in women (despite all odds), there's likely something fundamentally psychologically wrong with them that is causing both the impulse to define others in this way and also is likely preventing some self-reflective insight that would help them see the truth of their behavior and get them to stop it. 

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Dream interpretation

This is the dream description I sent to the neurofeedback practitioner:

A bad guy (or multiple?) are after me for most of the dream. It gets resolved, and the bad guy gets caught. For some reason, he has hands that are like just flat circles, like the shape of a thick hamburger patty -- like a skin and flesh mitt that has been placed over his hands or that his hands have been burned and deformed intentionally that way by whatever "good guys" got him (cops?). His face is also deformed and scarred. I think his lips have been fused together so he can't talk. I think this is part of his punishment somehow for being bad, that they tried to neutralize his ability to do harm while still allowing him to exist. He doesn't get locked in prison, though, he gets locked in a walk in closet in a master bedroom suite of what sort of looks like my parent's house. I'm also staying there. Some night some time after that, we go to check on the bad guy, but he's not in the closet (we don't realize this at first for some reason, even though the door is open, maybe we think he's hiding). Then I notice bloody footprints from the sliding glass door entrance from the bedroom to the outside -- footprints that go to the closet, and then continue into the house. The other bad guy let this one out and now they're both on the loose. That's about when I wake up.

His interpretation was to ask me what the "bad guys" wanted from me. I told him that it felt like they wanted to make me like them, to disfigure me, so that I wouldn't be fit for a normal life anymore and then I would have to be with them. It reminded me a little of what the protagonist/antagonist in Boxing Helena is trying to do (that film has had such an odd lasting impression with me that I either watched that film either way too young in my development or it struck some chord of truth with me that resonates and haunts still today, I wrote about it a little here). He loves the object of his desire to much that he wants to ruin her for anyone else. Or the Crazy Love documentary, in which a woman whose ex-boyfriend that hired thugs to blind her by throwing lye in her face ends up marrying him because he was the only man “who she knew saw her as stunning rather than blind and disfigured.” I was afraid to become this woman, or to have people attempt to make me become this woman.

The neurofeedback guy suggested that maybe these bad guys  were not trying to make me like them so much as they already were parts of me that I (at one time) didn't want to be -- that they were really just aspects of myself that I had disassociated from and they were haunting me because that's still who I am at some level but have chosen not to deal with it. I actually found that to be a pretty compelling interpretation. It felt right to me, and it's odd, the dream was actually a nightmare -- it was hard to fall back asleep from it and it still haunted me a little in the days subsequent. But the moment I saw those bad guys as just these castoff parts of me, it was a light had been flicked on, so quickly did my paradigm shift. Instead of fear and confusion, I felt compassion and sorry that I had done this to myself -- I had mangled my own self. I was sorry for my childhood self and my teenage self and my young adult self and every other self that I have contorted and distorted to fit whatever my purposes were at the time (to appear to fit in, to get something out of a situation, to achieve something or maintain something that society requires a certain degree of conformity for). I sort of resolved then and there to not do that ever again, as much as I could help it. I started to think of the things that day or week that I had been trying to ignore, suppress, or repress about myself. I started doing little things to try to more openly acknowledge and express those aspects -- something as similar as getting in touch with certain friends or acquaintances or reading articles about those worlds.

The whole thing was such a revelation to me that I now wonder if dream interpretation typically has such drastic results, or if this was just a one off? It also made me think of how many other things about myself that I am oblivious too.

I have a few more thoughts about how the neurofeedback guy let me come to my own truths and didn't try to tell me what my truths are that I'll put in the next post.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Anachronisms and hubris

I've been watching a period television show (The Knick!) that deals a little with mental illness in one of its side characters. I love period shows in general for the anachronisms. I think it's so easy to assume that whatever we are up to as a society is the best there is to offer (one of my favorite cheesy songs is Everything's Up to Date in Kansas City), but who knows what thing we do now is going to cause future generations to cringe at us for being idiots.

The Knick is often cringe worthy with the old fashioned medicine, depiction of race or gender relations, public shaming, slanted morality, etc. But the episode dealing with the character suffering from mental illness reminded me of one of my favorite SNL skits, "Rick's Model T's", in which Crazy Rick sells used cars with his actually crazy wife: "Don't make me put you back in the attic. . . . Damn it Daisy, I wish I had a more legitimate treatment option other than the attic, but that's just where medicine is at." I have a personal belief that we'll think of our current treatment of sociopaths as the rough equivalent of putting people up in the attic. I know others think that this is the best we can do as a society for sociopaths (or that sociopaths should have it worse than they do?), but I don't know, I still cringe at it.


Somewhat relatedly, I like the opening scenes of A Private Universe, in which Harvard graduates and professors confidently explain the changes of seasons all wrong.



I've tried to recreate this scene a little bit, but millennials in particular all give the right basic answer. They seem surprised that anyone ever thought that the closeness of the Earth to the sun could possibly explain the seasons (why is winter in the northern hemisphere summer for the southern then?). But it's of course not interesting to me so much about what people do or do not know, but whether they are able to recognize what they do and do not know -- how open is their mind, how good is their self-awareness, how humble is their sense of fallibility?
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