Thursday, July 23, 2015

Famous sociopaths: Gandhi?

From a reader:

Two sociopaths I know both insist that Gandhi was a sociopath; their evidence was Gandhi's hunger strike.  I found their reactions fascinating, because both are sociopaths of course, neither one know each other, but both were equally as skeptical and offended by Gandhi's motivations for the hunger strike.  Both thought that anyone who thinks Gandhi did ANYTHING for any reason other than fame and power is a sucker, and that Gandhi over did it because the hunger strike led to a massacre of some of his Hindu followers. 

What do you think?  Do you think that some of the world's greatest humanitarians, such as Gandhi, or Martin Luther King, had sociopathic  tendencies?

I wish I could convey better just how striking a similarity in responses these two people had. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Sociopath?

From a reader:

I don't even know where to start... I have seriously been looking into (and studying) sociopathy. I am generally sure that I am definitely a sociopath. When I was younger I remember manipulating my parents and even my siblings when I would get in trouble. For instance, my brother and I would get caught for something... we would both be questioned as to who did the (wrong) deed. Then left to our rooms... until the guilty party spoke up. I repetitively remember just holding out in silence and waiting for my brother to step forward and admit to it after 24-48 hours passed. I would then hear him getting physically punished and not even bat an eye. I recall getting people fired from work simply because I didn't like them, or because I wanted their job. Once, I came upon a drunken coworker on the job, who couldn't finish his shift. I assured him I would cover his ass, and everything he needed to be "good to go."  Instead, I called the owner of the establishment and told them about the entire situation. He then "showed up" and caught the fellow. He was fired immediately. I then got his job position. I continued to pretend he was a good friend (to his face) and even hang out with him, lying to his face about the person who "snitched." I didn't even bat an eye. I felt nothing for him. I thought that he was stupid and therefore didn't deserve his position, since he couldn't even take necessary precautions to break the rules intelligently. I was better. I never feel any actual guilt for things. The closest I can imagine is a paranoia of being discovered. Such as, while im hanging with these people, getting what I can off of them. The only negative thought about the situation is "What if they figure it out?"  Even then, I wouldn't stress too much about it, because I couldn't give two shits about the guy, and I could probably lie my way out of anything.

I actually hate hanging out with other people. I'm not sure why.... I will be around them, and they will suggest an outing of some sort but when it comes to the next day, or the day of plans,  I flake out. I lose all interest. 

The only thing that somewhat throws me off is my newest relationship. I am in a relationship with a girl that I can be more open with about my darker thoughts. She is very non judgmental... and maybe even a bit on the morbid side for an empath. When she isn't around me I wish for her to be, but I feel like it's that she quenches my boredom. Not that I can't live without her, or that I would be wrecked without her. She goes out of her way to do things often for me. Little notes, suprise lunches... She is very sexually pleasing. For these reasons I feel like I "Love" her. Is it possible to have a "target" and not realize it? I have been doing that with women my entire life. I feel empowered when my "mate" (whatever you want to call it.) thinks unusually high of me. I guess I feel like I want my partner to think of me as badass. I realize that I have been using these women to fuel my ego... when things happen and they have exited my life, I have felt sad... even cried before... but it feels like a hole is in my routine and that I am bored. I cannot text/call them to alleviate my boredom when I want. I don't think I've ever felt like I want them back, unless its some sort of game to me.... where even if I know I'm not interested.. the fact that they dont "want me" drives me insane and I put on all of my charm to reel them back in. Sometimes just to hurt them again and for them to leave. Or maybe to see how many times I can pull this off. 

I am prone to bouts of anger and fantasize about killing people. I was at a fast food restaurant and this woman cut in front of me. She was old. I wished I could follow her home and kill her for thinking herself above me. She was an old hag, why the fuck did she cut me off like I didn't even matter? People should watch how they treat others, I thought. I wanted to choke the life out of her while screaming at her, "Was it worth it?" After thinking about this and realizing that the laws of society keep me from regularly doing what I wish/want to do.... I suddenly went off on another random thought. Completely forgetting about my rage.

I would really enjoy talking more with you... I have never spoken to a human being so openly like this. 

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Film: The Act of Killing

From a reader:

I think this reviewer describes it properly:

http://disorderedworld.com/2013/07/16/the-act-of-killing/

The thing I found odd about this movie is that I could easily see myself acting the way the death squad leader did. Especially when I was younger, I had a lot more anger at other humans.

So the deal with "The Act of Kililng" is that they guy has the original gangsters (sociopaths) talking about what they did.

They boast about their deeds and are celebratory.

This is horrifying for normal people. You can see it in one of the clips here, where they have a panel:
http://www.theguardian.com/film/2013/dec/19/joshua-oppenheimer-act-of-killing

The film panel is horrified that the perpetrators talk about this stuff so causally and happily.

I realized - this horror is the "essence" of the experience that sociopaths experience when we're honest with normal people about our subjective experience.

E.g. I was talking with a friend about Himmler's Posen speech - http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/holocaust/h-posen.htm

For example:

"...Whether the other races live in comfort or perish of hunger interests me only in so far as we need them as slaves for our culture; apart from that it does not interest me. Whether or not 10,000 Russian women collapse from exhaustion while digging a tank ditch interests me only in so far as the tank ditch is completed for Germany. We shall never be rough or heartless where it is not necessary; that is clear. We Germans, who are the only people in the world who have a decent attitude to animals, will also adopt a decent attitude to these human animals, but it is a crime against our own blood to worry about them and to bring them ideals..."

I explained that I liked its honesty and clear priorities. I wish our leaders would reason and talk this clearly. I'd feel a lot safer and happy.

My friend explained that that sort of speech scares and disgusts normal people. I explained that the "normal" speech used to justify such actions like, "we're doing it for freedom" or "God says we should do it", bothers me, because it seems dishonest, illogical and arbitrary. But that's exactly the stuff that makes normal people like you and feel relaxed.

And yet if I'd worked Russian women to death to get the tank ditch built, my feelings (or lack of them) would incline me to boasting about what I'd done. I'd be proud that I'd done the nasty job because I had a clear sense of what was really important, and I'd acted on it, doing a dirty job.

If you watch "The Act of Killing", it seems that in general, gangsters have the sociopathic mindset. E.g. at one point, one killer starts to say that some stories, even true ones shouldn't be told, because they'll make the bad guys (commies) look good. One of the gangsters tells him that the truth is the truth, and there's nothing wrong with telling it. You can bet that that guy would be a Himmler fan too.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Gone Girl

I forgot to post this back when I read the book about a year ago. I loved the book, obviously. I (like many others) thought that the film was oddly woman hating and relied much more on the trope of the psycho bitch than any honest attempt to depict a realistic sociopathic character.

Here are some quotes that I liked, regarding the odd obliviousness that sociopaths experience regarding reading people (considering they can be so oddly insightful), regarding the husbands desire to trick his sociopathic-ish wife into thinking she had won:

‘Go, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, we need to remember that,’ I said. ‘What matters right now is what Amy is thinking. If she’s softening toward me.’

‘Nick. You really think she can go that fast from hating you so much to falling in love with you again?’

It was the fifth anniversary of our conversation on this topic.

‘Go, yeah, I do. Amy was never a person with any sort of bullshit detector. If you said she looked beautiful, she knew that was a fact. If you said she was brilliant, it wasn’t flattery, it was her due. So yeah, I think a good chunk of her truly believes that if I can only see the error of my ways, of course I’ll be in love with her again. Because why in God’s name wouldn’t I be?’

‘And if it turns out she’s developed a bullshit detector?’

‘You know Amy; she needs to win. She’s less pissed off that I cheated than that I picked someone else over her. She’ll want me back just to prove that she’s the winner. Don’t you agree? Just seeing me begging her to come back so I can worship her properly, it will be hard for her to resist. Don’t you think?’

And from our sociopathic character regarding what role she provides for her husband:

You think you can ever be a normal man again? You’ll find a nice girl, and you’ll still think of me, and you’ll be so completely dissatisfied, trapped in your boring, normal life with your regular wife and your two average kids. You’ll think of me and then you’ll look at your wife, and you’ll think: Dumb bitch. Just like your dad. We’re all bitches in the end, aren’t we, Nick? Dumb bitch, psycho bitch. I’m the bitch you makes you better, Nick. I’m the bitch who makes you a man.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Song: Animal?

From a reader:

New'ish reader here. 

I was wondering if you have had the pleasure of listening to the song "Animal" by Mike Snow.  It recently popped up on my Pandora and I was instantly bopping around to the tune.  Then..........it hit me.  The lyrics. Just spreading the lovely word of us s'paths...thought you may like to share with the rest of them. 

"Animal" - Mike Snow
There was a time when my world
Was filled with darkness
Then I stopped dreaming now
I'm supposed to fill it up with something

In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody
I knew before, long ago
But I'm still trying to make my mind up
Am I free or am I tied up?

I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip
Yeah I slip, I'm still an animal

There is a hole and I tried to fill it up with money
But it gets bigger till your horse is always running
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody
That could be strong

Tell me if I'm wrong
And now I'm pulling your disguise up
Are you free or are you tied up?

I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip
Yeah I slip, I'm still an animal

Sincerely,
A like-minded individual


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Colorblind

I have heard (and used) this analogy before, but I like the way the adaption is described put in this comment from an older post:

A sociopath is like a color-blind person who sees the world in shades of gray but who has learned how to function in a colored world. He has learned that the light signal for “stop” is at the top of the traffic light. When the color-blind person tells you he stopped at the red light, he really means he stopped at the top light. . . . Like the color-blind person, the sociopath lacks an important element of experience—in this case, emotional experience—but may have learned the words that others use to describe or mimic experiences that he cannot really understand.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath



Monday, July 13, 2015

Moral objections

In Mormon world there is a woman who is Mormon-famous, largely as a blogger. She was involved in a plane crash and suffered extensive burns all over her face and body, along with her husband who was not quite as badly hurt. She relates her emotions at the time of waking from her coma to see herself for the first time post-accident as feeling like she wanted to just die, that she never wanted her children to see her that way. She later has a change of heart and became sort of an advocate and a promoter of self acceptance, among other things. Tonight I was thinking of what a drastic change that was -- from not wanting even your own children to see you, to being photographed and viewed by millions. And despite no longer being attractive by society's standards, she is widely accepted, loved, and viewed as brave, and I'm sure rightly so.  

I was thinking about my own experiences with religious or other morally driven types who have read my book and responded to me about it. Largely (as I expected from this turn-the-other-cheek crowd) Mormons tend to be amazingly supportive. But there were a few who were not, including one person that I knew personally who put it to me a little this way -- it's not the things I've done that were so problematic morally (which are, after all, relatively tame compared to the sorts of sinners that churches routinely welcome in their doors), but how I feel about those things, e.g. lack of remorse. Of course, lack of remorse happens to be a symptom of my personality disorder. Which begs the question -- in what ways am I responsible for my lack of remorse (that resulted from genetics and my disrupted childhood, neither of which I had any control over)? Under what philosophical or moral standard does that make me a morally objectionable person? How am I not like the burn victim -- ugly or distasteful society's standards, but allowed to not feel shame or self-hate about my psychological disfigurement because I suffer it through no fault of my own.

Along the same lines, this recent comment on an older post:

Hello human race. I have an unpopular opinion to share; 

Psychopaths/sociopaths are either genetic, or made via extreme trauma before the age of 3 yrs, or both! In both cases, these people have no control. They don't choose this.

I present the solution: Star Trek's Data's emotion chip. Psychopath/sociopath has complete control at all times, can choose to remove it whenever they wish, dial it up or down, or off. 

How to get them to do it? Present it as a dare, a challenge. Therapists to help them with the transition. Problem over. 

They are still people. A monster is a victim who got no help when they needed it, that's why they're monsters now. They had no choice, no control. 

Offer it to them, then. If we empaths are so much better than them, prove it. Don't hate them. Help them.


Saturday, July 11, 2015

Song: To the Shoreline

From a reader:

I'm an aspie but I'm very interesting about the subject of sociopathy and find socios fascinating.

Anyway, I was listening to some music from one of my favorite bands when I stumbled upon a song whose lyrics reminded me a lot about what I've read about relationships with sociopaths.

Maybe you'll appreciate it, so here's a link to the song (with lyrics):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3F43IxkXio


Thursday, July 9, 2015

How do you cope?

From a reader:

I have recently come across your blog and it's given me a new perspective. It's interesting, many of your readers seem to be very high-functioning. This is not the case with me. I've had some trouble since early on being a "functional member of society", ergo I can't hold down a job, my family hates me, and I'm quite the drifter. Now don't be fooled, this does not much upset me. 

I found your blog after my psychiatrist (after some time of "therapy") informed me that I qualify for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He also told me that I have a few antisocial traits, but barely don't qualify for a diagnosis of ASPD, the closest official variant of sociopathy. Now after I received this diagnosis, I was really put off because I can't stand narcissists, so I did some digging on NPD with antisocial traits, ended up reading "Mask of Sanity" and your very own enlightening book, "Confessions of a Sociopath." I don't believe in self-diagnosis, but I believe I would fit more into Dr. Robert Hare's depiction of psychopathy.


Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Psychology Survey - MBTI

A request:

I was interested to see if there could be any correlation between any MBTI facets and sociopathy, so I created a survey to investigate.  It's only 3 short questions, so it will take about a minute.  As the experiment is looking only at sociopathy, I would ask empaths to not particpate.   I will share with you the results provided that a reasonable number of people submit answers.

Here is the survey:
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ZH68SNC

Here is a personality test that is generally reliable:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Psychopaths excel at deceptive facial expressions

A reader sent me a link to the article "Would I lie to you? ‘'leakage’' in deceptive facial expressions relates to psychopathy and emotional intelligence."  In the study, researchers tested the ability of psychopaths and those with high emotional intelligence ("EI") in emotional deception.  Here are some fascinating highlights (citations omitted):
  • Emotional deception via the alteration of facial expressions can occur in three ways : simulating an expression involves adopting an expression in the absence of any real emotion; masking an emotion involves replacing a felt emotion with a different emotional expression; and neutralizing an expression involves concealing a felt emotion with a neutral face.
  • Some psychopathic individuals are chameleon-like actors and appear to use their acting skills to effectively manipulate others in various interpersonal contexts. In corporate settings, white-collar criminals with psychopathic characteristics, such as Bernard Madoff, often find easy victims by appearing trustworthy, empathetic, and kind. Psychopathic offenders can readily feign remorse and a pro-social attitude to manipulate their way into lower sentences (i.e., manslaughter rather than murder), permissions to appeal their sentences, and undeserved conditional release. Despite their much longer criminal histories and poorer conditional release histories, psychopaths are 2.5 times more likely than non-psychopaths to be released when they apply for parole . Further, these decisions are faulty; psychopathic offenders in both studies spent fewer successful days on release compared to non-psychopaths released. In fact, extended interpersonal contact with a psychopath can lead to less accurate perceptions of psychopathic traits.  
  • Despite evidence that psychopathic individuals are successful manipulators, the manner in which they deceive and manipulate others is open to question. Psychopathy arguably is associated with effective emotional deception. The psychopath’s distinctive lack of emotional experience may prevent emotional ‘‘interference’’ in feigning emotional displays. That is, because of the lack of real emotion, there may be less genuine emotion ‘‘leaking’’ onto the false face during a fabricated emotional display. In support of this prediction, Herpetz et al. (2001) found that psychopathic offenders exhibited fewer and less intense facial expressions in response to pleasant and unpleasant emotional images relative to controls. We predict that psychopathic individuals, particularly those with strong interpersonal-affective features of the disorder, will have an advantage when attempting to control their facial expressions during deception because of their lack of emotion; such individuals may express less ‘‘leakage’’ of genuine emotion during deception. However, due to emotional recognition deficits and a lack of understanding of what a sincere expression ‘‘looks like’’, these individuals will not necessarily be proficient at creating a facial expression consistent with the feigned emotion.
  • As predicted, psychopathic traits – specifically, high levels of interpersonal manipulation – were related to shorter durations of unintended emotional ‘‘leakage’’ during deceptive expressions. In contrast, the erratic lifestyle element of psychopathy predicted greater emotional inconsistency during deceptive displays.  Individuals higher in EI – specifically, the ability to perceive and express emotion – feigned emotions more convincingly than others but were not more immune to emotional leakage.
In other words, psychopaths are the best at not letting other actual emotions interfere with the feigned emotion (presumably because the psychopath does not have strong feelings to suppress), but that people with high EI did a better job mimicking actual emotion (presumably because they know better what those emotions look/feel like).

Friday, July 3, 2015

House of Cards

I've just started watching this show. I don't know why I haven't started before. I guess because I'm not really that interested at all in politics? Anyway, I'm still in the first season so I don't think these are going to be terrible spoilers, but I was a little surprised at how realistic the depiction of a high functioning sociopath seems to be for Frank Underwood.

There are the obvious things: obsessed with power, crafty, manipulative, duplicitive (spell check tells me that's not an actual word), has few intimates and the rest of his acquaintances are just pawns in his chess game. But there are also some of the less obvious things: bisexual, oddly friendly and helpful without any seeming motive and just as oddly vindictive in a way that seems to far exceed the original offense. He often does things that are generous with little hope of the good deed being reciprocated in kind, but he feels like "generosity is its own form of power". He's not delusional, but he also has random beliefs that don't seem entirely rational either, like a faith/belief in karma. If he respects you, he's not going to bullshit you, which may be nice for the open marriage he has with his wife (the marriage and love angle also seems like a pretty realistic depiction of the sort of partnership built on respect and admiration rather than love that you would expect), but he also clearly has impulse and rage problems and his crazy risks don't always pan out well for him. He's the type of person that you would love to have for a friend if you needed any of his prodigious skills, but also would need to watch yourself around, which maybe isn't that bad of a trade off?

Any way, I hope the subsequent seasons stay true to this character and for those of you who haven't seen this show yet, I would recommend it. Netflix.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Regret being sociopathic?

From a reader:

I consider myself neurologically atypical if not also sociopathic. I don't have any official diagnosis so I'm not sure if my self-diagnosis is useful.

I wanted to ask about regret for being sociopathic. Much of the website posts and your book resonate with me rather deeply. I see myself in many many of the different posts and comments and stories.
I read the book (having been drawn to it primarily because I have considered myself atypical since my teen years) in only a matter of days and determined that I very strongly matched enough of the factors or variables that would classify me in the socio realm.

I struggle with something of a cognitive dissonance, though. And I'm not sure other identified sociopaths would agree I am in that realm based largely on this factor. I can't fit in anywhere since I behave in manners so out of place and abnormal to the folks at large (social, work, etc.)

But I want to. I see how others act and emote and engage and connect and I get angry at myself for not understanding how to do that and not being able to. I have definitely learned how to feign it, but I find that cuts a number of relationships short because the empathic (to use book language) types try to get me to open up and be vulnerable like they are and I think they see how shallow that pool of mine is or see something else that creates a sense of unease and they remain somewhat distance.

In a few instances I've invested a lot of time and energy into a specific person to get them to convince themselves that I am more and deeper and I feel things just like them. I have in essence made some very good pawns from it. The latest addition to my collection of people is someone who I've somehow managed to totally ...glamour. They are enamored to the point where I've had to detach time and energy from them. To the point where I think I've broken them or gone too far. They adore me, they love me, they want more of me, they dream of me, they masturbate to me. I am overwhelmed that I did this.

The latest ...conquest only happened after I underwent a lengthy period of loneliness / retrospection / self-revelation. I'm in my late 20s now and I identified my last couple of years with the "blue" period from your book, where you seem to have realized just how lonely life can be, for someone who has a rather difficult disconnect from a lot of other run-of-the-mill people.

This is getting long, but ...do you, in some ways or at certain times...regret being sociopathic? Do you have desires to be 'normal?' To not have to think about yourself in these ways? To not have to watch yourself carefully and present a persona all the time? To just...be able to relax and be "yourself" and not worry about being chased up the mountain by torches and pitchforks?

M.E.: I think I definitely do feel that way. It's not necessarily that I feel dysphoria so much as a sense of meaninglessness that can started creeping up on me in my late 20s and took firm hold of my early thirties. If everything is a game, then what's the point of playing? That sort of thing. And there is a lot of effort spent just maintaining a status quo. It just didn't seem that sustainable, at least not when you looked as lasting for decades. So I've tried to expand my mental and psychological horizons, so to speak, in terms of figuring out different ways to be. I don't ever expect to cease being sociopathic entirely, but I guess I am aiming to be more bilingual. 

Monday, June 29, 2015

Why not forgive?

I have written before about Bonds that Makes Us Free being a good book about self deception. It's also a good book about getting over and not succumbing to the feelings mistreatment that we regularly experience. I've been listening to the author's talk about forgiveness, which definitely comes from his religious perspective but also from a philosophical perspective. One of the main points is akin to the Maya Angelou quote, “Hate, it has caused a lot of problems in the world, but has not solved one yet.” He talks about how evil wants a response, it wants to turn you dark inside, that's the whole point of evil. And I think this is true, at least of true evil and not just the sort of banal evil that we see of people just having lost their way in a deep moral confusion. Like I would say most of the Nazi force type people and the prejudice and hate that we see daily is banal evil, in which people honestly believe that their feelings of hate are justified in the moment, no matter how impossible that seems to more rational minds. In other words, I think that most people have to be sort of tricked into evil by being fed a distorted reality often enough and persuasively enough (e.g. X are our enemy, we need to defend ourselves against X).

So we have two types of evil (1) true evil for the sake of being evil (super rare, think Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars) and (2) evil that comes from confusion, a true "they know not what they do," at least not the full extent of what they do and definitely not in that moment because they've been led down a path of self-deception and confusion about the actual nature of reality (think Darth Vader). And true evil wants you to respond in an evil way because that is its goal is -- to twist your heart and mind towards dark things. And banal evil people don't really know what they're doing and the worst you could say about them is that they have allowed themselves to become pawns in something deeply dark and destructive. So how should you react in the face of evil? The argument is that it does no good to return evil for evil, as religious types like to say. Because for true evil, that's exactly the response they're trying to get from you. And for banal evil, those people are just clueless pawns who think they're somehow in the right, and you're not likely to convince them otherwise.

When I saw the family of Dylann Root's victims extend him forgiveness, I was really impressed -- not that it was necessarily a courageous or morally right thing to do (although I'm sure it was), but that it just showed a lot of wisdom. Predictably, somebody didn't like that reaction. In a NY Times op ed titled, Why I Can't Forgive Dylann Root, Roxane Gay says "I, for one, am done forgiving." Why? Basically because the problems have been going on so long and white people just want to pretend the problems don't exist and black people forgive to survive but that doesn't help either because the problems haven't gone away. But when has not-forgiving ever helped? Did not forgiving help with Germany post World War I? Is not forgiving helping with the sky high number of adult American men in prison? Could there be peace in Northern Ireland without forgiveness? In the former Yugoslavia? Does anyone think the Hutus and the Tutsis should have kept at it in Rwanda? Or that the French Revolution was particularly effective in its calls for blood to atone for the past sins of the aristocracy? Do we really need to annihilate our enemies? Or nurse lifelong distrust and hatred of each other?  

I do not mean to dismiss at all people's pain or to condone those that wrong others. But nor does forgiveness come even close to doing either of those things. Forgiveness still acknowledges the wrong and the hurt, in fact forgiveness is only implicated and imported in serious cases of wrong and hurt. And when you have been wronged, there are basically two choices: forgive or don't. So for people to say that they're done forgiving is frankly shockingly anti-social, even to someone like me.

I know that I am not a good person and not a reliable source for moral judgment. But if even someone like me could understand why it is absolutely vital that we forgive each other, than that suggests to me that (1) there's really something to this forgiveness thing and (2) that there's hope for everyone else to learn why too.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Who am I

This is a little bit of a change up, from a reader who doesn't identify as sociopath but is not sure if she is quite normal either:

First and foremost, I would like to congratulate you on writing a gripping, thought-provoking and well-informed book. I finished reading Confessions of a Sociopath just five minutes ago and was impressed so much so that I felt the need to contact you immediately. 

I am an eighteen year-old studying English Literature at university. A friend who studies psychology gave me her copy of your book upon her departure back to the U.S after a year of studying abroad on the premise of my own mental health disorder(s). Thus far, I am unsure if there is a 'name' to my disorder, but I wanted to e-mail you regarding how much your book has helped me come to terms with my condition (or lack thereof).

Currently, my diagnosis is rather linear in accordance with the NHS' apparent lack of effort and empathy (oh, the irony); I have depression and anxiety. The first I was diagnosed with at the age of 11, the second 16, but on the premise of years of evidence indicative of the condition. For a while I was somewhat satisfied with the diagnosis - it largely covered the traits that were evident to myself and my nearest and dearest. Then, it became apparent to me that there was much more to my mental health - things that I had not only concealed from my friends and family, but denied knowledge of despite their prevalence in my life. 

I do not intend to diagnose myself as a sociopath, if that is what this e-mail seems to be indicating - I don't believe I am one. I have regular anxiety attacks and feel love and pain, and I have a strong moral sense of right, wrong and guilt, leading me to confess my wrong-doings on a frequent basis to those closest to me. However I am a compulsive liar - I lie to everyone about a plethora of things (strangely enough rarely about what I have done wrong), and I am inherently violent. I exhibit manipulation that aligns with that of a sociopath, although it is rarely anything beyond nudging someone if they stand in my way. I do not take pleasure in manipulating people if it does not benefit me or will effect them in the long term - not only due to the consequences, but because my moral compass does not allow it. However I frequently feel the rush and thrill of lying to someone, and of twisting situations into my favor. I have a thirst for knowledge and intelligence, and thrive off of the expression of shock and submission when I know something - anything - that someone else does not.

It seems to me that I am an awkward, semi-functional hybrid between an empath and sociopath, sprinkled with emotional disorders and physical ones, to boot. As of late I have been questioning my identity and worth to society due to these issues, and above all else, your book helped me to realize that there is progression towards understanding and awareness of the potential good that lies dormant within even the most seemingly hopeless of cases - for that I thank you.

And, finally, thank you again for reminding me and the crippled structure that we call 'society' that mental health disorders, especially those prevalent from birth, exist, but are not something to fear.


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Reactionary

Last night I was watching an old Saturday Night Live (Scarlett Johannson hosts) in which the Weekend Update correspondents were talking about the United States Supreme Court hearing arguments on the gay marriage case (at 28:25 left in the show at the above link). The one host starts discussing a Justice Alito question at the oral arguments, including one question about whether a group of two men and two women should also be able to marry. Coming from a religion that practiced plural marriage and not having the same emotional connections or knee jerk reactions to things that people see as fundamental moral issues (as opposed to just fairness, logical, or logically ethical issues), I was a little surprised by the answer.

"Well, Sam, I’m no legal expert, but they’d probably tell them “no,” because that’s polygamy and that’s illegal and also not at all the same thing. So let’s stick to the case at hand and not try to turn this whole thing into some kind of gay word problem. If the gay marriage train leaves Massachusetts at 3 pm, and the traditional-marriage train leaves Tennessee at 6 pm – it doesn’t matter, because look around you! Everyone’s already on the gay train! (Laughter, whoops, applause)."

The problem with the -- "we don't need to think critically about something if the majority of us already agree argument" -- is that (1) nothing should ever excuse the call to think critically about something, not religion or consensus or popularity or fear or anything else and (2) the herd is a terrible track record for making "right" choices when it abandons critical thought.

In other similar reactionary choices made without apparent critical thought, Apple has banned several American Civil War era military strategy games for their use of the confederate flag. As the producers of one such game put it:

We accept Apple's decision and understand that this is a sensitive issue for the American Nation. We wanted our game to be the most accurate, historical, playable reference of the Battle of Gettysburg. All historical commanders, unit composition and weaponry, key geographical locations to the smallest streams or farms are recreated in our game's battlefield.

We receive a lot of letters of gratitude from American teachers who use our game in history curriculum to let kids experience one of the most important battles in American history from the Commander's perspective.

Spielberg’s "Schindler's List" did not try to amend his movie to look more comfortable. The historical "Gettysburg" movie (1993) is still on iTunes. We believe that all historical art forms: books, movies, or games such as ours, help to learn and understand history, depicting events as they were. True stories are more important to us than money.

Therefore we are not going to amend the game's content and Ultimate General: Gettysburg will no longer be available on AppStore. We really hope that Apple’s decision will achieve the desired results. We can’t change history, but we can change the future.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

My friend the sociopath

From a recent comment to an older post:

I have been best friends, and occasionally romantically involved with
a sociopath over the last 10 years.
He is the father to both my children.

I have always approached our relationship with honesty in everything.
I do not project my needs on him. I see him for what he is and I accept it.
I am bipolar. His limited depth of emotion has never bothered me too
much. I'm used to it from everyone in varying degrees.
How he thinks and feels....That's just how he does things, it's him.

What makes our friendship work, is that we both understand and accept
each other for what we are. We find things to base our friendship on
that aren't the traditional source of "love".
I value him. I enjoy how he thinks, how me moves.
I enjoy how he challenges me to think 5 steps ahead.
I have things I am better at than him, so I still have some power in
our dynamic, but he still wins most of the time. and that's okay with
me.

He enjoys how unpredictable and chaotic my emotions, and thoughts are.
He appreciates the effort it takes, and my mastery of reigning myself
in. Even when I control myself to the point that most people don't
recognize when I'm bothered, he still picks p on my subtle cues.
We both struggle with blending in. We both struggle with this weird
sense of detachment from reality, where normal people march around
like robots.

We both have violent impulses with atypical motivations for not acting
on them. He finds violence to be inconvenient. I find it messy.
Both of us find those motivations to be much stronger than any guilt
we might have.

He grounds me when I get too whimsical.
I push him to strive for bigger, less obvious goals.
We both parent our children in a way that nurtures and challenges them.
They feel safe, but they are pushed to grow as people.

Even in bed we compliment each other.
He sometimes enjoys being violent, and I enjoy fighting him.
It's exciting to be challenged.

In everything, we push each other to think, to win.
And it's not clear very often who will win.

At the same time, I recognize what he is.
I know he needs space when he's bored.
I know when I am not entertaining enough for him, and I'm not offended
by it. Frustrated maybe, but that's just because I enjoy his company.
He always comes back eventually though. In the meantime, I am just
fine on my own. I don't like most people, and I prefer to be solitary
anyway. He is one of maybe three people, I actually want around.

Our relationship isn't built on love, it's build on mutual
understanding and acceptance. We work, because we've both decided that
the other one is acceptable as is. We don't demand more than the other
can give.
Anything else would be selfish.
To expect him to "love" me, would be not to know him at all.
That seems like a gross and lonely thing to do to him.
It wouldn't be fair.
He says he loves me, like one loves a favorite T-shirt.
I appreciate that.

TLDR; My motivation for being friends with a sociopath is that there
is mutual understanding and acceptance I have never gotten from anyone
else. He is him and I am me, and that's good enough.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

"I Can Tolerate Anything Except the Outgroup" -- a review

I dated someone that used to give me a lot of flak for saying that I didn't particularly like white people -- that I was being very racist by saying such a thing. At the time I defended myself. What I meant was that I didn't like the expectations that white people have of me -- to act a certain way or else I'm making a bad name for the rest for "all of us". I got the same vibe often from women and mormons for similar reasons. Sometimes lawyers? Sometimes people of my same generation or social class. Sometimes musicians. If there were ways that I didn't quite fit into my "groups", I felt some degree of conflict over it. In fact, I was thinking the other day about how the racism and other isms that seem to affect me personally the most (not surprisingly being born white and privileged) are the aggressive attempts to include me within a particular group and keep me behaving rather than any attempts to exclude me from anything. But how have I let that all affect me, is an interesting question to explore.

This article "I Can Tolerate Anything Except the Outgroup" was a very interesting article about the way people form group identities and what it actually means to be tolerant of someone who is different from you and how easy it is to deceive ourselves of our level of tolerance (myself included). I guess I realize now more than ever that the fact that although I am fine with certain hated groups like pedophiles (or it used to also include transgendered people back when there was still a predominant ick factor about them in society, does anyone remember that from about a decade or two ago?! It's crazy how fast the world is moving), that doesn't necessarily make me a particularly tolerant person. Because do I have a lot of love and tolerance for moral hypocrites and those that claim to have empathy for every group but none for sociopaths? No, obviously not, and I now see that as a personal failing of mine.

Worth reading in its entirety, here is just the beginning:

In Chesterton’s The Secret of Father Brown, a beloved nobleman who murdered his good-for-nothing brother in a duel thirty years ago returns to his hometown wracked by guilt. All the townspeople want to forgive him immediately, and they mock the titular priest for only being willing to give a measured forgiveness conditional on penance and self-reflection. They lecture the priest on the virtues of charity and compassion.

Later, it comes out that the beloved nobleman did not in fact kill his good-for-nothing brother. The good-for-nothing brother killed the beloved nobleman (and stole his identity). Now the townspeople want to see him lynched or burned alive, and it is only the priest who – consistently – offers a measured forgiveness conditional on penance and self-reflection.

The priest tells them:
It seems to me that you only pardon the sins that you don’t really think sinful. You only forgive criminals when they commit what you don’t regard as crimes, but rather as conventions. You forgive a conventional duel just as you forgive a conventional divorce. You forgive because there isn’t anything to be forgiven.

He further notes that this is why the townspeople can self-righteously consider themselves more compassionate and forgiving than he is. Actual forgiveness, the kind the priest needs to cultivate to forgive evildoers, is really really hard. The fake forgiveness the townspeople use to forgive the people they like is really easy, so they get to boast not only of their forgiving nature, but of how much nicer they are than those mean old priests who find forgiveness difficult and want penance along with it.

Sociopath?

From a reader:

First, I would like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading Confessions of a Sociopath; I was quite pleased to see that there are others out there with whom I can associate with on a certain level.  Though I don't know for certain that I can label myself a sociopath, I do know I experience emotion and human interaction in a slightly different fashion than most people around me.


Friday, June 19, 2015

Dealing with loss

From a reader:

I was wondering if you've written anything about how sociopaths deal with the loss of a love one.  I looked through the list of posts on the blog but didn't notice anything.


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