Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Sociopath?

From a reader:

I don't even know where to start... I have seriously been looking into (and studying) sociopathy. I am generally sure that I am definitely a sociopath. When I was younger I remember manipulating my parents and even my siblings when I would get in trouble. For instance, my brother and I would get caught for something... we would both be questioned as to who did the (wrong) deed. Then left to our rooms... until the guilty party spoke up. I repetitively remember just holding out in silence and waiting for my brother to step forward and admit to it after 24-48 hours passed. I would then hear him getting physically punished and not even bat an eye. I recall getting people fired from work simply because I didn't like them, or because I wanted their job. Once, I came upon a drunken coworker on the job, who couldn't finish his shift. I assured him I would cover his ass, and everything he needed to be "good to go."  Instead, I called the owner of the establishment and told them about the entire situation. He then "showed up" and caught the fellow. He was fired immediately. I then got his job position. I continued to pretend he was a good friend (to his face) and even hang out with him, lying to his face about the person who "snitched." I didn't even bat an eye. I felt nothing for him. I thought that he was stupid and therefore didn't deserve his position, since he couldn't even take necessary precautions to break the rules intelligently. I was better. I never feel any actual guilt for things. The closest I can imagine is a paranoia of being discovered. Such as, while im hanging with these people, getting what I can off of them. The only negative thought about the situation is "What if they figure it out?"  Even then, I wouldn't stress too much about it, because I couldn't give two shits about the guy, and I could probably lie my way out of anything.

I actually hate hanging out with other people. I'm not sure why.... I will be around them, and they will suggest an outing of some sort but when it comes to the next day, or the day of plans,  I flake out. I lose all interest. 

The only thing that somewhat throws me off is my newest relationship. I am in a relationship with a girl that I can be more open with about my darker thoughts. She is very non judgmental... and maybe even a bit on the morbid side for an empath. When she isn't around me I wish for her to be, but I feel like it's that she quenches my boredom. Not that I can't live without her, or that I would be wrecked without her. She goes out of her way to do things often for me. Little notes, suprise lunches... She is very sexually pleasing. For these reasons I feel like I "Love" her. Is it possible to have a "target" and not realize it? I have been doing that with women my entire life. I feel empowered when my "mate" (whatever you want to call it.) thinks unusually high of me. I guess I feel like I want my partner to think of me as badass. I realize that I have been using these women to fuel my ego... when things happen and they have exited my life, I have felt sad... even cried before... but it feels like a hole is in my routine and that I am bored. I cannot text/call them to alleviate my boredom when I want. I don't think I've ever felt like I want them back, unless its some sort of game to me.... where even if I know I'm not interested.. the fact that they dont "want me" drives me insane and I put on all of my charm to reel them back in. Sometimes just to hurt them again and for them to leave. Or maybe to see how many times I can pull this off. 

I am prone to bouts of anger and fantasize about killing people. I was at a fast food restaurant and this woman cut in front of me. She was old. I wished I could follow her home and kill her for thinking herself above me. She was an old hag, why the fuck did she cut me off like I didn't even matter? People should watch how they treat others, I thought. I wanted to choke the life out of her while screaming at her, "Was it worth it?" After thinking about this and realizing that the laws of society keep me from regularly doing what I wish/want to do.... I suddenly went off on another random thought. Completely forgetting about my rage.

I would really enjoy talking more with you... I have never spoken to a human being so openly like this. 

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Film: The Act of Killing

From a reader:

I think this reviewer describes it properly:

http://disorderedworld.com/2013/07/16/the-act-of-killing/

The thing I found odd about this movie is that I could easily see myself acting the way the death squad leader did. Especially when I was younger, I had a lot more anger at other humans.

So the deal with "The Act of Kililng" is that they guy has the original gangsters (sociopaths) talking about what they did.

They boast about their deeds and are celebratory.

This is horrifying for normal people. You can see it in one of the clips here, where they have a panel:
http://www.theguardian.com/film/2013/dec/19/joshua-oppenheimer-act-of-killing

The film panel is horrified that the perpetrators talk about this stuff so causally and happily.

I realized - this horror is the "essence" of the experience that sociopaths experience when we're honest with normal people about our subjective experience.

E.g. I was talking with a friend about Himmler's Posen speech - http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/holocaust/h-posen.htm

For example:

"...Whether the other races live in comfort or perish of hunger interests me only in so far as we need them as slaves for our culture; apart from that it does not interest me. Whether or not 10,000 Russian women collapse from exhaustion while digging a tank ditch interests me only in so far as the tank ditch is completed for Germany. We shall never be rough or heartless where it is not necessary; that is clear. We Germans, who are the only people in the world who have a decent attitude to animals, will also adopt a decent attitude to these human animals, but it is a crime against our own blood to worry about them and to bring them ideals..."

I explained that I liked its honesty and clear priorities. I wish our leaders would reason and talk this clearly. I'd feel a lot safer and happy.

My friend explained that that sort of speech scares and disgusts normal people. I explained that the "normal" speech used to justify such actions like, "we're doing it for freedom" or "God says we should do it", bothers me, because it seems dishonest, illogical and arbitrary. But that's exactly the stuff that makes normal people like you and feel relaxed.

And yet if I'd worked Russian women to death to get the tank ditch built, my feelings (or lack of them) would incline me to boasting about what I'd done. I'd be proud that I'd done the nasty job because I had a clear sense of what was really important, and I'd acted on it, doing a dirty job.

If you watch "The Act of Killing", it seems that in general, gangsters have the sociopathic mindset. E.g. at one point, one killer starts to say that some stories, even true ones shouldn't be told, because they'll make the bad guys (commies) look good. One of the gangsters tells him that the truth is the truth, and there's nothing wrong with telling it. You can bet that that guy would be a Himmler fan too.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Gone Girl

I forgot to post this back when I read the book about a year ago. I loved the book, obviously. I (like many others) thought that the film was oddly woman hating and relied much more on the trope of the psycho bitch than any honest attempt to depict a realistic sociopathic character.

Here are some quotes that I liked, regarding the odd obliviousness that sociopaths experience regarding reading people (considering they can be so oddly insightful), regarding the husbands desire to trick his sociopathic-ish wife into thinking she had won:

‘Go, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, we need to remember that,’ I said. ‘What matters right now is what Amy is thinking. If she’s softening toward me.’

‘Nick. You really think she can go that fast from hating you so much to falling in love with you again?’

It was the fifth anniversary of our conversation on this topic.

‘Go, yeah, I do. Amy was never a person with any sort of bullshit detector. If you said she looked beautiful, she knew that was a fact. If you said she was brilliant, it wasn’t flattery, it was her due. So yeah, I think a good chunk of her truly believes that if I can only see the error of my ways, of course I’ll be in love with her again. Because why in God’s name wouldn’t I be?’

‘And if it turns out she’s developed a bullshit detector?’

‘You know Amy; she needs to win. She’s less pissed off that I cheated than that I picked someone else over her. She’ll want me back just to prove that she’s the winner. Don’t you agree? Just seeing me begging her to come back so I can worship her properly, it will be hard for her to resist. Don’t you think?’

And from our sociopathic character regarding what role she provides for her husband:

You think you can ever be a normal man again? You’ll find a nice girl, and you’ll still think of me, and you’ll be so completely dissatisfied, trapped in your boring, normal life with your regular wife and your two average kids. You’ll think of me and then you’ll look at your wife, and you’ll think: Dumb bitch. Just like your dad. We’re all bitches in the end, aren’t we, Nick? Dumb bitch, psycho bitch. I’m the bitch you makes you better, Nick. I’m the bitch who makes you a man.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Song: Animal?

From a reader:

New'ish reader here. 

I was wondering if you have had the pleasure of listening to the song "Animal" by Mike Snow.  It recently popped up on my Pandora and I was instantly bopping around to the tune.  Then..........it hit me.  The lyrics. Just spreading the lovely word of us s'paths...thought you may like to share with the rest of them. 

"Animal" - Mike Snow
There was a time when my world
Was filled with darkness
Then I stopped dreaming now
I'm supposed to fill it up with something

In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody
I knew before, long ago
But I'm still trying to make my mind up
Am I free or am I tied up?

I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip
Yeah I slip, I'm still an animal

There is a hole and I tried to fill it up with money
But it gets bigger till your horse is always running
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody
That could be strong

Tell me if I'm wrong
And now I'm pulling your disguise up
Are you free or are you tied up?

I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip
Yeah I slip, I'm still an animal

Sincerely,
A like-minded individual


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Colorblind

I have heard (and used) this analogy before, but I like the way the adaption is described put in this comment from an older post:

A sociopath is like a color-blind person who sees the world in shades of gray but who has learned how to function in a colored world. He has learned that the light signal for “stop” is at the top of the traffic light. When the color-blind person tells you he stopped at the red light, he really means he stopped at the top light. . . . Like the color-blind person, the sociopath lacks an important element of experience—in this case, emotional experience—but may have learned the words that others use to describe or mimic experiences that he cannot really understand.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath



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