Sunday, June 21, 2015

"I Can Tolerate Anything Except the Outgroup" -- a review

I dated someone that used to give me a lot of flak for saying that I didn't particularly like white people -- that I was being very racist by saying such a thing. At the time I defended myself. What I meant was that I didn't like the expectations that white people have of me -- to act a certain way or else I'm making a bad name for the rest for "all of us". I got the same vibe often from women and mormons for similar reasons. Sometimes lawyers? Sometimes people of my same generation or social class. Sometimes musicians. If there were ways that I didn't quite fit into my "groups", I felt some degree of conflict over it. In fact, I was thinking the other day about how the racism and other isms that seem to affect me personally the most (not surprisingly being born white and privileged) are the aggressive attempts to include me within a particular group and keep me behaving rather than any attempts to exclude me from anything. But how have I let that all affect me, is an interesting question to explore.

This article "I Can Tolerate Anything Except the Outgroup" was a very interesting article about the way people form group identities and what it actually means to be tolerant of someone who is different from you and how easy it is to deceive ourselves of our level of tolerance (myself included). I guess I realize now more than ever that the fact that although I am fine with certain hated groups like pedophiles (or it used to also include transgendered people back when there was still a predominant ick factor about them in society, does anyone remember that from about a decade or two ago?! It's crazy how fast the world is moving), that doesn't necessarily make me a particularly tolerant person. Because do I have a lot of love and tolerance for moral hypocrites and those that claim to have empathy for every group but none for sociopaths? No, obviously not, and I now see that as a personal failing of mine.

Worth reading in its entirety, here is just the beginning:

In Chesterton’s The Secret of Father Brown, a beloved nobleman who murdered his good-for-nothing brother in a duel thirty years ago returns to his hometown wracked by guilt. All the townspeople want to forgive him immediately, and they mock the titular priest for only being willing to give a measured forgiveness conditional on penance and self-reflection. They lecture the priest on the virtues of charity and compassion.

Later, it comes out that the beloved nobleman did not in fact kill his good-for-nothing brother. The good-for-nothing brother killed the beloved nobleman (and stole his identity). Now the townspeople want to see him lynched or burned alive, and it is only the priest who – consistently – offers a measured forgiveness conditional on penance and self-reflection.

The priest tells them:
It seems to me that you only pardon the sins that you don’t really think sinful. You only forgive criminals when they commit what you don’t regard as crimes, but rather as conventions. You forgive a conventional duel just as you forgive a conventional divorce. You forgive because there isn’t anything to be forgiven.

He further notes that this is why the townspeople can self-righteously consider themselves more compassionate and forgiving than he is. Actual forgiveness, the kind the priest needs to cultivate to forgive evildoers, is really really hard. The fake forgiveness the townspeople use to forgive the people they like is really easy, so they get to boast not only of their forgiving nature, but of how much nicer they are than those mean old priests who find forgiveness difficult and want penance along with it.

Sociopath?

From a reader:

First, I would like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading Confessions of a Sociopath; I was quite pleased to see that there are others out there with whom I can associate with on a certain level.  Though I don't know for certain that I can label myself a sociopath, I do know I experience emotion and human interaction in a slightly different fashion than most people around me.


Friday, June 19, 2015

Dealing with loss

From a reader:

I was wondering if you've written anything about how sociopaths deal with the loss of a love one.  I looked through the list of posts on the blog but didn't notice anything.


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

The dark side of self-awareness

From a reader:

After months of self-introspection and learning more about my personality, I picked up your book. I've never related to anything in my entire life until now. This is where I need your advice. My mask that I was able to put on and off without a moments notice, my ability to maintain equanimity in all situations at all times, and my perfunctory yet convincing ability to blend in have all been compromised. 

It's due to the fact that I've become self-aware and perspicacious of my abilities and my thought process. I feel myself slipping up now in social settings. 

Even my best friend is now treating me differently because I inadvertently blurted out how I manipulate everyone including him. 


Monday, June 15, 2015

Psychopath boss

From a reader:

I'm and Empath, currently working for a sociopathic boss (female). Over the years, I've figured out that she is a sociopath. I finally found a way in to talk to her about it (wanting to help or whatever), and after a long "game" she fully admitted to me that she is sociopathic.

I've done a ton of research on the subject as I need this job for now and leaving simply isn't an option- I've done my best to avoid boring her, being useful but only when she needs it, and always loyal and consistent no matter how much she stonewalls or bullies me.


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