Sunday, May 10, 2015

More parenting a sociopathic son

It's interesting what assumptions we make about people (and even ourselves?) about their/our unspoken motivations for things. One of the weirdest conversations I've had with someone about any sociopathic acts was with the attorney for my publisher after manuscript was submitted. We went through various stories in the book that would lead to potential liability for the publisher. I forget why, but somehow we were talking about the first story about killing the opossum. He said that was vicious. I said something about how I was just eliminating a pest the same way someone might smash a spider. He corrected me, saying that I obviously relished the killing and that was my primary reason for doing it. Hm... It's hard to know what to say to something like that. On the one hand, it's possible that that is true and that I am deeply out of touch with my own motivations on that point (or all points), but I don't think so. And even if I were, for him to think that he has such levels of insight to determine that I am an animal sadist (or any kind of sadist) from one story consisting of several paragraphs seems to me a weird sort of confidence in one's capacity for discernment. I used to think I had crazy people reading skills and now either I've lost them or maybe I've come to distinguish better the difference between being able to see one small angle of a person that is hidden to most eyes versus truly being able to understand another person not myself. Because I really don't think the latter is even possible, anymore (if I ever thought it was). I don't know if that makes me more hopeful that neurodiversity principles will eventually triumph, or less.

An update from the mother who was meeting her sociopathic son halfway, from a comment from that post:

I have had conversations with my son and come to realize that his feeding lizards to the dog and such was actually not motivated by sadistic tendencies, nor was his treatment of other children. For example, with the lizards, the dog was chasing them in a playful manner. My son just thought he was expediting the process... Cutting to the chase, so to speak. He didn't enjoy it. He just didn't care, thought the chasing of the lizard was fun and didn't know what to do with it when he caught it so he fed it to the dog, who had been chasing it... To his mind, it simply made sense. The fights with his brother and other children were not sadism either but, rather, a violent response to a perceived injustice most of the time or instrumental violence that served some purpose to him. That has been a great relief to me. 

To those who have suggested a firmer hand, you are correct. I have been holding firmer on rules, regulations, and punishments. It has made a big difference in his behavior. No more sob stories or pouty faces to escape the punishment (or absence of reward). 

We have been having a lot of fun together... And just having someone who is trying to understand him seems as though it has relieved him, like he doesn't have to hide ALL the time. Framing things as games has probably had the biggest effect. "You are an alien sent from another planet to observe humans and today, your objective is..." It takes the tediousness of normal social interaction and makes it something fun and intellectually engaging... With just the hint of deception/conning. 

Everyone's thoughts on being explicit on things that we assume are "givens" has helped as well. I have also worked with him on understanding and mirroring facial expressions and done exercises to help him develop cognitive empathy and be aware of it... 

I have worked on finding decent role models that are interesting to a nearly ten year old boy but also age appropriate... Catwoman, James Bond (Sean Connery), Aladdin (Yeah... Watch it as an adult and analyze his behavior), Snape.... Not all are necessarily psychopaths but they do utilize behavior that is often sneaky or deceptive to achieve goals that are accepted by society with little violence. 

I just wanted to let everyone know I am still here and I am still listening. I just have been busy lately and unable to post much. 




Saturday, May 9, 2015

Empath Song: Not Your Kind of People

From a reader:

I was listening to this song recently and the lyrics reminded me of how many empaths, particularly those who have been the "victim" of a sociopath, feel towards the sociopath.



We are not your kind of people.
You seem kind of phoney.
Everything's a lie.
We are not your kind of people.
Something in your makeup.
Don't see eye to eye.

We are not your kind of people.
Don't want to be like you.
Ever in our lives.
We are not your kind of people.
We fight when you start talking.
There's nothing but white noise

Ahhh.... Ahhh.... Ahhh.... Ahhh....

Running around trying to fit in,
Wanting to be loved.
It doesn't take much.
For someone to shut you down.
When you build a shell,
Build an army in your mind.
You can't sit still.
And you don't like hanging round the crowd.
They don't understand

You dropped by as I was sleeping.
You came to see the whole commotion.
And when I woke I started laughing.
The jokes on me for not believing.

We are not your kind of people.
Speak a different language.
We see through your lies.
We are not your kind of people.
Won't be cast as demons,
Creatures you despise.

We are extraordinary people.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Discovering oneself

From a reader:

I'm just beginning to truly discover myself in my thirties. Funny how lying to the self can take so long to capture. Anyway, there is an interesting interview online that discusses how to spot us on a very different level than most anti-sociopath websites. I thought you might and enjoy it and share it with others as a means to educate them on how not to behave when confronted with disillusionment. Best wishes and thank you for keeping up your website. It's been with utmost pleasure that I revisit it.


Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Stranger than fiction

I ran across this older than a year email and remembered again how there were some people who absolutely could not believe that the book was nonfiction. I never could understand why that was. I think this from a reader provides at least one plausible explanation (another reason why I actually like the premise of that iZombie tv show -- people really are living in such different brains from each other):

I was informed of your website and subsequently your book by a friend and former colleague.  We worked together for almost 10 years and at some point realized we had a lot of common world views and didn't understand peoples emotional attachments to supposed negative actions.

As we peeled away layers of our friendship it became clear that we had both "cheated" on boyfriends and felt nothing that would constitute shame.  That was only the tip of the iceberg.  We kept so many of each other's secrets and still do.  I get nothing out of gossip and know it serves me better to keep her secrets as much as it serves her to keep mine.

When people see us together they assume we are on our own planet.  We are very well liked individually and collectively and are two of the smartest people I'm aware of.  We often joked about how things would easier if certain people were dead.  It wasn't that we would actually kill them, but just a logical fact that it would be easier if something killed them.  What prevented us from any wrongdoing ever was not our moral bias but our awareness of the consequences.

We joked a lot about being sociopaths and started to really look into it.  Well before I came across your book, I already knew.  Here's the thing.  I've read a lot of bad reviews of the book wherein people are shocked that someone would try to pass that off as nonfiction.  I merely read it as written confirmation of everything I have ever known about the way I think.  However, it messes with their construct of a functional person.  It reads like a hoax to them when it is anything but.

Additionally, I have met others like my friend and I.  It's something subtle that I can pick up on.  Maybe they haven't figured out why they are different yet.  They're always smarter and ask questions I would have asked.  I'm drawn to them and after each and every meeting, I text that friend and say.  "I've found another.  So and so is one of us."  I tell no one.  I thrive more on keeping the secret to myself and I feel a little less alone.

You said you would tell me who you are. You know who I am.  Feel free to use any of this on your website. For all I care, you can make me the face of non-violent sociopaths.  I'll take everyone on because I like the challenge and no one is going to take me seriously anyway, much to their own demise.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Sociopaths in literature: The Seducer's Diary

I once knew of a girl whose story forms the substance of the diary. Whether he has seduced others I do not know... we learn of his desire for something altogether arbitrary. With the help of his mental gifts he knew how to tempt a girl to draw her to him without caring to possess her in any stricter sense.

I can imagine him able to bring a girl to the point where he was sure she would sacrifice all then he would leave without a word let a lone a declaration a promise. 

The unhappy girl would retain the consciousness of it with double bitterness because there was not the slightest thing she could appeal to. She could only be constantly tossed about in a terrible witches' dance at one moment reproaching herself forgiving him at another reproaching him and then since the relationship would only have been actual in a figurative sense she would constantly have to contend with the doubt that the whole thing might only have been an imagination.

Søren Kierkegaard 
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