Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Dating advice

From a reader, asking for our advice:

I would like to give you some background. I started talking to this guy online for over a month. We had never met. He would text every day telling me how lonely he was, how he wanted a bestfriend, lover and long term relationship. Weeks later he would tell me he was in love with me, how i was the one for him. I told him that since we haven't officially met that it was questionable how he felt- he insists his feelings were real. We did meet date went great. He said he still felt the same. He asked me to be his girl i accepted. I spent 2 days at his home with him... we had sex. After that i haven't seen him since. He texts now he rarely texts. I've asked him if he was seeing anyone so i can move on he said no. He still texts and ask me for oral sex but never attempted to spend time with me. My question... I want to manipulate this guy to get whatever i want from him and have him wrapped around my finger... and get him to spend time with me, take me out and use him to my advantage and spend money on me. How do i go about doing that? Please help me i am tired of being ' the nice girl who finish last and being used up by men.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Self-interested silence

From the same reader as the previous post:

Just finished your book. It's astonishing how self-aware and candid you are, without the denial and self-deception that's characteristic of sociopaths. Seems like you put an incredible amount of work both into self-awareness, manipulating people and fitting in. Can't imagine how hard it must be - and if it's easy, even less so.

In the Epilogue you address a lot of things I wondered about throughout the book, especially how risky it must have been to publish it. There must have been people at work or old lovers who read it and figured out it was you, it was them. What was their reaction?

M.E.:

A lot of people had a lot of different reactions. I actually have only heard from a couple of people who were sort of victims. One of them (I was really surprised to hear) was just really relieved to find out that was what had been going on and now sort of insists that I update her periodically with what's going on with my life in a very friendly way. I think most of them would rather (1) believe that I'm talking about someone else and not them (if the story is general enough) or (2) recognize themselves but feel like it would be beneath them to confront me about it. This is also partly because at least for a couple of characters, I combined stories and characteristics from multiple people into one to deal with fewer "characters" and to further disguise real events.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Tone of voice

From a reader:

I'm about two-thirds into your book and I'm struck by the tone of your writing. It sounds non-judgmental and emotionless. Not detached, as these are things you take pride in, but the humanly closest to being objective. Perfectly consistent throughout the book and certainly with your diagnosis.

I know that tone of voice from someone I love. Your book helps a lot in understanding the way he experiences the world and people, primarily me. Jokes that used to deeply offend and shock me, lack of emotion that used to hurt me, his meteoric, self-centred rise in the office are suddenly just who he is and the best he can give in all his sociopathic glory.

I'm very pleased that I'm finally beginning to make sense of him; he's kept me fascinated and puzzled for two years. He's not someone I wanted to love but I absolutely cannot help it. You're probably rolling your eyes right now but this is not about sharing my emotional state. I thought it must be interesting for you to hear about how people try to resist the lure of the sociopath and fail.

He started paying attention to me and trying to seduce me years ago but I only yielded very recently. The intervening two years have been an exhilarating rollercoaster ride of emotions from my side and lost and won games from his. I think the gambling nature of this game just amplified our enjoyment and made the unpredictable rewards more addictive. We've come to share a closeness that I haven't experienced with anyone else, and needless to say, he's an excellent lover.

I've known he's a sociopath for a long time. I don't know if he does but I would imagine so. My challenge was trying to avoid being beguiled, to show him that I see through his pretending, that he has no power over me.

But, incredibly annoyingly to me, I'm helpless. Giving up my wary resistance to admiration and love seems the most rewarding outcome for me. I'm sure it's what he wants, but it flatters me that he wants my love and attention. He's gone out of his way to earn it, even if most of it was what people commonly call "manipulation".

He is not reliable, constant or trustworthy. He can hurt me and let me down badly. He can put the brakes on my career progression even from another part of the business. But he's so brilliant, ruthless and charismatic that I can't help but be in awe of him, admire and trust him despite overwhelming evidence. Sometimes it's like catching a child next to a broken bowl. Of course he keeps asserting it wasn't him, and of course I know it was. The outcome is always the same - I decide to trust him and feel an even stronger bond.

Is it because I'm an irrational or daft person? Far from it. It's not like us empaths are idiots. I'm educated and independent, entrepreneurial and emotionally intelligent. I've never fallen into anyone's trap. I've always excelled at everything I've done and I've always achieved what I wanted. 

The reason I continue to trust him is because I entered into a mental contract. I willingly do this, over and over again. I know what's going on, I can mostly tell when he's playing me. Whatever I need him to be, he is, obligingly. People keep telling me this is not right for me but I think otherwise. In a lot of ways this is a fair exchange. A lot of my needs are fulfilled this way, and to anyone that can tap into them the way he does, please feel free.

This is the brilliant thing about sociopaths - not only luring people into their halo, but enabling people to share a kind of trust that they don't experience with anyone else. You want to see my insecurities, here, take this magnifying glass. I know they are safe with you because you'll play me like a fiddle in places I want to be played.

I get a lot out of that. But even better than that, there are moments when he's unguarded, vulnerable and gives himself up to me. Those moments are my prize, and for them it's all worth it.

Even it they are calculated.

You sociopaths are astonishingly brilliant and fascinating. Offering a glimpse into your minds is a service to humanity that no one has done before. I'm infinitely grateful for it. 

Even just penning the above lines I've had to struggle to keep my candour and stay objective. Perhaps that's easier for you to do, but in some ways, having made a lifestyle of lying, inconceivably harder. Your self-awareness is rare and very surprising in a sociopath. Thank you for the honesty in your tone of voice. I can't even imagine what it took.


Thursday, March 12, 2015

It's not always depression

From a reader:

I recently read your book. I finished it yesterday actually. It's full of little highlighted sections that I marked that sounded just like me. It was eerie how recognizable your experiences were and how closely they seemed to mirror mine. I did not cry at my uncle's funeral. I knew him very well and grew up with him. He got brain cancer and everyone was very upset - he was a very kind, loving man. I can't remember a single person besides me who didn't cry, but for whatever reason, I just couldn't force myself to. I didn't feel anything at all, except mild curiosity. Was he still around somewhere else, like heaven? What does it feel like to die? And what does it feel like to love someone so much you react like everyone around me was reacting at his funeral? 

I used to torture ants, absolutely fascinated by their pathetic struggles on the sidewalk when I smushed parts of their bodies to see how long they could continue dragging themselves along. I didn't realize it was cruel until someone reacted with disgust (probably my mother). Whenever someone reacted to me with disgust, I always responded the same way. I acted contrite and then continued doing whatever I was doing, but much more carefully to avoid detection. 

I was also a perpetual liar and still am. I love to charm people - to be the person they want me to be exactly, even if I might bend some truths and tell some tales in doing so. I get bored with people who become too dependent or too attached and throw them away. I'm underage, but not a virgin, despite never being in a lasting relationship (longer than 4 weeks). 

When I was younger, I was sadistic towards my little sister. I loved hitting her, pulling her thick curly hair, and watching her eyes well up with tears. Sometimes I would blame my misdeeds on her so my parents would punish her for things she wasn't guilty of. Sometimes I would simply cut her apart verbally. I don't remember exactly why I did this, just that I did, and for immense pleasure from it. 

I wouldn't call myself a bully currently and I've never done anything officially criminal (except maybe the underage sex or that one - or two - times I shoplifted), but I do blackmail people sometimes and love the power it gives me. I value power far above intimacy. I love to be feared, and there's something about me that either draws people in or repulses them, because there's something not quite right about me.

I would consider myself high functioning. I'm usually pretty good at faking emotion (except at the funeral). I lie constantly, but rarely get caught. When I fail to follow through on promises, I act adequately contrite. I'm good at guessing what others feel through careful observation. My mother is convinced I'm absolutely fine.

I've told you all of this because I genuinely believe myself to be a sociopath. The above is all of my evidence that I am. However, I don't remember it myself, but my mother tells me I had irrational anxieties as a child. I was afraid of some things that made sense - like not 'fitting in' or being a 'freak' to my peers and aggressively tried to adapt correctly to avoid those things. I was also apparently afraid of bridges and grass, which I don't remember and don't understand. 

I have been diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder and depression. I do feel like I have less energy in the winter, and I know that my vitamin D levels are down, so seasonal affective is probably at least partially true. I feel bored a lot and fairly apathetic, but I'm not sure if I'm depressed. I often over exaggerate my sadness to get sympathy and favors from my parents. I also manipulated my therapist into sending me into the hospital by claiming to be suicidal because I didn't want to spend Christmas with my family before realizing how awful mental health wards are. 

I'm not actually sure how much of my depression/anxiety disorder symptoms are real and how much were simply manipulation. I feel like I can turn emotions on and off. If it's beneficial to cry, I can tap into sad emotions and bring myself to tears. If it's beneficial to stop crying, I become calm and no longer sad. I don't understand if I am sad or if I somehow manage to manipulate myself into feeling sad in order to cry in order to get things.

I'm emailing you because I know sociopaths are supposed to be immune to depression and anxiety so I'm wondering if you, knowing what you know, think I am a sociopath, or simply a delusional depressed girl who wants an easy explanation for her apathy and problems in life (such as difficulty relating to others). 

If I truly am a sociopath, it seems like my life will be fairly empty and flexible - ambiguous and spontaneous - which it is now. I'm wondering how you cope with the knowledge that you don't get to relate to people like others can or feel things that others can. Doesn't it bother you to know that others may be better off than you and you will never actually know whether or not they are? And if so, what do you do about it?

Thank you so much for your time and hopefully reply.

E.B.

From M.E.:

I don't think I have ever really put limits on what I am able and not able to do, even post diagnosis. To the extent that I describe myself in what may seem like a fixed way, it's more that I am trying to accurately describe myself in any moment, as you might describe the particular location or slope of a mathematical function with precision, all the while knowing that the function is constantly changing. 

I have had depression and anxiety symptoms. I have spoken with my current therapist about it. He says that depression and anxiety are common byproducts of an underlying issue. Let's say, for instance, you have been frustrated a long time. Or empty? The frustration or emptiness may eventually manifest themselves in a depressed mood if they persist. I think I taught myself, trained myself really, to be anxious. I found that I didn't naturally care for things that I should care for, so I trained myself to, the same way I trained myself as a musician to be really sensitive to fine changes in intonation and to abhor playing notes that are even slightly out of tune, when before when I was younger I wouldn't even notice it.

UPDATE: This is an interesting NY Times article about how depression can be symptoms of other issues (in this one, it is shame and lack of emotional awareness).

Monday, March 9, 2015

Am I a sociopath?

From a reader:

I am not sure if this is the correct place to ask but I was just wondering if I am a sociopath.

I grew up and I knew that I was not your 'average Joe' growing up, I was bullied for being different, however when I got slightly older (about 14) I was able to use my charm and intelligence to manipulate people's thoughts on me and I became a very central part of my year. I was basically the heart and soul of my school, everyone knew my name. I wasn't the most well behaved child either, however I could get away with murder, using my charisma to manipulate my teachers thoughts of me, everyone loved me. Once I had a bout of my usual impulsive behaviour, this time aggressively, and swore at my teacher; however after speaking to the Headmistress I got away with almost no punishment.

I cannot stick to one thing at a time for long as I get bored of it very quickly, I am a jack of all trades but master of none. I amateur in playing the piano, drums, guitar, didgeridoo and trumpet. I get interested in certain parts of history and learn almost obsessively about them and then move on to a different period in time. I am 16 at the moment and am attending one of the most prestigious schools in the country, I aspire to be a Barrister (like you) when I graduate from a Russell Group University.

I have a high level of respect for people that can maintain an interesting level of conversation with me. People that I deem either vulnerable or thick (don't interest me when I speak to them) I toy with and manipulate to get my own way. If necessary (or I am bored) I will manipulate anyone I come across. I don't really feel anything for the people I speak to and I don't feel guilt or remorse on any level for anything. I feel love for only 5 people in my life (my mum, dad, two brothers and my best friend) I would not really manipulate them for fun, but if there was something I wanted I definitely would. I also lie a lot to people, never to my best friend for a reason unknown to me, but I do regularly to my family.

P.S. I love your book!
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