Monday, February 16, 2015

Tips for dealing with someone with a personality disorder

For those that missed it, I liked this comment on the last post about how to interrelate with someone with a personality disorder:

Let's start a list of recommendations for dealing with a PD.

1. Call them on their shit. The more they get away with, the more they will try. 
Give them an inch, they will try to take 3 miles. Then bitch that you never give them an inch...
Firm boundaries are your friend.

2. Don't be a pussy. 
No passive aggression. It's annoying. They are not mind readers and being passive aggressive will only make them see you as a weak bitch. Especially if you are a man. 
I don't think it's possible to respect a man who acts like a weak bitch.

3. Be honest. 
Don't try to outplay them. They will most likely see through it. Then they will make you cry for it later.

4. Make yourself valuable to them. 
If you are valuable, they are much more likely to behave better towards you.

I'm going to try to elaborate on and provide synonyms for each of these in turn, at least as they would apply to more my end of the spectrum.

1. Have firm boundaries. People with personality disorders don't have their own personal boundaries (yes, it actually is possible to influence them in ways that you wouldn't be able to influence others or get them to do crazy stuff because they don't have the same sense of off-limits that everyone else seems to have) or great sense of other people's boundaries. If the PD person wants to maintain a relationship with you for any reason, best thing you can do to help them out is give them firm boundaries and reinforce them as necessary on the small stuff instead of letting it get to the big stuff and then flipping out on them.

2. Use direct, not implied communication. This is probably a good rule for all healthy relationships -- rather than forcing someone to dig out your true meaning from context clues, just own your expectations and tell them straight up what it is that you want/need from them. Sociopaths seem to be especially clueless as to discerning some of these "say one thing mean another" types of communication because they rely on a shared sense of expectations in order to be able to discern that the expected did not happen as it should have -- e.g. not calling within 24-48 hours of seeing each other is fine? Or reprehensible? Not clear. A sociopath may not even be able to pick up on even basic passive aggressive tactics like the silent treatment. I often have assumed that people are just preoccupied with other pursuits.

3. Don't do anything with them that you would normally consider reprehensible behavior in yourself but somehow justify it because it's towards or because of them. The sociopath *will* often use it against you. The sociopath is not even necessarily being a hypocrite. It's not even as if he is fine with lying if it's him but now fine with lying if it's you. Rather, if you feel even ambiguously badly about something that you've done, anything remotely approximating guilt or even just consider the behavior something you'd rather not have the entire world know, the sociopath will be able to turn that knife back on you. You've seen that on television shows? Where the scared office drone gets a gun and has it used against him by the very attackers that it was meant to protect against? If you aren't completely comfortable with all of the ins and outs and implications of the weapon you're using, don't, because someone else does.

4. Don't expect emotional ties to bind the PD sufferer to you the same way that normal people are. Everyone is influenced by cost benefit equations. PDs just seem more so, perhaps, because that's one of the few things they are reliably influenced by, when you take out the emotional ties.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Staying with a socio

This was an interesting blog post tweeted to me about why someone might stick with a sociopath even when no one else can understand it. I can understand that, but should people feel obligated to stick with a sociopath?

I have no choice but to deduce his behavior to his environment, both past and present. Has he really been able to change his destructive behavior and simply chosen not to? It's no more of a choice for him to remain sociopathic than it is for me to remain compelled. We are what remains. Are we to just walk away from one another because of our flaws? I am a little crazy. I sure am glad no one's really walked away from me for that. My father walked away from my crazy mother and it cost her her life. Why does all the literature to date advise a no contact declaration in terms of sociopathic personality disorder, when perhaps those of us who love them, our parents, our children, our friends, our partners should rather be advised of the proper tools in handling a loved one with a specific medical condition.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

Strict upbringing

From a reader:

I just finished reading your book. I picked it up at the bookstore with the general interest in understanding different aspects of the mind and mental illness. While I greatly enjoyed the book, I was also able to put pieces of my own life together that I found absolutely astounding. Before reading it I never would have even began to label myself as a possible sociopath. I know this isn't necessarily something that you want to come to the conclusion of but I feel like you summed up my life in a chaotic nutshell. I am 21 years old and I have always known that there was something different about me. I have always been an incredibly independent person ever since I was a little girl. My mom had me quite young and my dad was never in the picture but I would say that I grew up in a supportive household. Still to this day. I have memories of 5 year old me stealing newspapers from my neighbors doorsteps each morning and tormenting the neighborhood kids. Going around during the holidays and taking people's Christmas decorations and stabbing their giant blowup inflatables... I know this is childish banter but I did manage to rein in that sort of crazy side as I got older. I was always incredibly self sufficient and like you said, even when I was caught I didn't feel bad, it just made life a little more of a challenge for me. I think that the love from my family is what kept me from really going down a darker path. I was taught what was right and wrong in societies eyes and I knew what I had to do to stay in good graces.

      As far as my family goes, I care for them but it always seemed odd for me to use a word such as love to explain my connection with them. Not that they don't mean a lot to me, the word love just doesn't seem like the right word to describe it. I have always felt that way about any sort of emotion though. I know when someone dies or something horrific happens to someone you know you're supposed to feel a certain sort of sadness. I have never reacted any particular way to any situation. I've been to a few funerals and have never felt the overwhelming need to be burdened by salty tears or negative emotions. I feel about death, tragedy, disease, murder, and rape the same way a person would feel about killing a fly with a swatter. I always felt that it was strange that I could stand in a room full of crying people and feel nothing. Like I was watching a bad sitcom on the outside of the television. I do know how to behave though because of the way I was raised. I tell the person who's experiencing the negativity that I'm so sorry blah blah blah. It's really just to ease the other person and make me not look like an insensitive asshole. Ultimately, situations like those just make me very uncomfortable and I retreat as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

      I have the ability to be extremely social. I grew up in the [American southeast] and kind of grew out of it as well. I tried to form relationships with people throughout middle and high school but was ultimately bored and disappointed with the friendships/relationships I tried to cultivate. I burned a lot of bridges and stayed to myself simply because I just didn't care anymore. I battled with depression and thoughts of suicide throughout high school. I didn't know what was going on, and up until recently I still didn't know what was going on. While seclusion was nice and the easier route for the past few years, it wasn't benefiting me anymore and I chose to use a different poa. 3 months ago I moved to Missouri for a life change and to meet new people that didn't know me from my first failed life attempt. When I put my mind to it I can mesh into any friend group you introduce me to. People love me here though and it is quite empowering. I always hear that there is just something about me, followed by a look of curiosity like they just can't put there finger on it. It's never been a question of can I make friends. I know good and well that people fall in love with me quite easily if I play my cards right.... I still feel like it's a playing field though. Like I'm watching everything from the sidelines or the outside of the bubble. I see things differently. I read vibes and I am constantly analyzing people and situations. It can be frustrating at times because you can see the stupidity in everything as well and it becomes quite boring and tiresome.

     In your book you mentioned that a trait of a sociopath can be accepting both genders sexually. In societies eyes, I would be considered a bisexual. But the thing is that I've never really given it much thought. I've just never really cared what gender a person was. It never bothered me and I didn't feel weird or violated when these thoughts arose. I just took it for what it was and have had both male and female partners in the past. Whatever suits my needs in that moment. As far as sexually I must admit that I like it rough. I love being choked and slapped and tied up. If given the opportunity I love to do those things to my partner as well. My friends thing it's strange sometimes how open I am about sex but it doesn't bother me. They are even more surprised when I show them my box of toys and I get to enjoy the puzzled/confused looks on their faces. Like what I'm revealing is too much... Or is it because I don't reveal much to them in the first place that it moves from 0-60 way too fast. Who knows?

       I have never really been a violent person. I think that my family upbringing helped keep those emotions in check. That's not saying that those thoughts don't go through my head. The thought of murder and whatnot really doesn't bother me, so sure in a fit of rage I've imagined brutally murdering someone and loving it, but it's never actually happened. The situation has never fit for me to beat the shit out of someone and usually it's the consequences of those actions that keep me in check. I do get that heady feeling of grinding my teeth together and my saliva begins to taste almost metallic. I love it though. Those feelings make my heart rate increase and my eyes dilate like a wild animal just wanting to slaughter its prey.

      I do believe that the way I was raised has benefited me in the long run. Cuss words like hell and crap weren't even aloud in my house so extremely bad behavior was never tolerated. Who knows where I would be if my upbringing was less than favorable.

       I was so happy to hear that you actually talk to your readers. While this is only a small piece of my life and what I go through, I would love to have your input. You are an incredibly brave person for putting your life out in the open. Your book has really opened my eyes and I don't feel so alone anymore. I was fascinated how much I could relate to your book and I feel like I used up a whole yellow highlighter marking my copy with notes and similarities that I found. While most would be scared to even consider the thought of being a sociopath, if that's what I am then it's something I'm willing to embrace. This is me. I really hope to hear back from you, and again thank you so much!!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Empath hypocrisy?

This was an interesting recent comment on an old post:

as an almost permanent tourist in western society, i notice that this particular civilisation is clearly built by and for ppl referred to as sociopaths. Most of the DSM defined traits are essential in the practice of business, law etc as defined by the western cultural model.

Clearly the western media/propaganda machine is either responding to or encouraging widespread worship and admiration of ppl who can kill, fight and act without the accepted social and moral restraints.

in fact, the main difference that i can see between western 'empaths' and 'sociopaths' is that the latter are not inclined to the (mostly) hypocritical displays of 'caring' that the former use as evidence of their so-called humanity.

i know empaths who will readily cry when watching poverty porn, and will discuss starving children with other similarly emotive empaths....but have absolutely no problem chowing down on, say, chocolate produced on plantations that exploit slave children. The majority of westerners buy and wear clothing made by enslaved children in sweatshops, because the pleasure of a killer discount and convenience outweighs any bad feelings over tortured children.

i hear that sociopaths use compartmentalisation to deal with contradiction, but it seems that empaths use cognitive dissonance...and i think the latter may actually be more effective.

So-called empaths can cry about little kittens and cute doggies being hurt, and can weep as heart-rendingly for a fictional, cartoon being as they would for one in real life. Perhaps more so, because they are often without any discernible discomfort when consuming, say, meat that has been produced by basically torturing hundreds and thousands of animals as a matter of course. The inhumane conditions of factory farmed animals well documented, but the western business model is concerned purely with monetary profit and loss.

in fact, the most extreme empaths, called 'sensitives', would rather be shielded from the truth of their hypocrisy, rather than endure the material inconveniences involved in facing most moral dilemmas in this culture.

Being seen as 'nice' and seeing themselves as 'nice' seems to be more important to them than taking actions that actualise this 'niceness' they seem to feel is part of their nature.

i notice the glaring hypocrisy most when i think about the holocaust the nazis created and the western democracies' historical responses.
Americans, for instance, complained about the cruelty of the nazis, the heartless torture and genocide endured by jewish ppl (those who were gypsies, disabled, african and so forth incurred less sympathy for whatever reason). Yet in their own country AT THE SAME TIME they were still up to their elbows in the blood of the African descendants who had been forcibly brought over to that country hundreds of years earlier.
The torture, rape, bio-terror and abuse the status quo of american culture enacted against African and Native american ppl are well documented, and yet the cognitive dissonance employed to ignore this fact and cast euro-americans as the 'good guys' is amazingly still in place.
Western empaths say things like 'never forget', but only when it concerns those they have been programmed to care about.

Right through until the sixties (described as the swinging era of peace and love in this culture) black americans were being publicly lynched, and those events were captured in postcards that were sold door to door and still feature in the family albums of many white american families.
[this links to many of these images http://withoutsanctuary.org/main.html]

in these postcards, you see men, women AND children looking at the bloodied, castrated corpses hanging from the trees....and their expressions register the kind of gay pleasure, excitement and convivial community spirit you might expect at a neighbourhood carnival or block party.

i recently read a news article that could have described this macabre atmosphere perfectly, but it was in fact talking about 'islamists', the new fabricated boogey man of the morally bankrupt west.

From the Metro, February 5th:
""crowds cheer burning death on big screen.
Jubilant crowds of IS supporters have been celebrating as big screens reportedly showed the jordanian pilot being burned to death." The article laments the "sick celebration in the face of international outrage" and marvelled at " a smiling boy aged about six talking excitedly about the killing."

Now, i mentiion this in this forum, because it at least purports to be full of ppl who dont get all emotionally defensive, illogical etc, and who dont have strong attachments to identity etc.

i am interested in a response.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

A comprehensive attempt to categorize oneself

A long email from a reader asking:

First of all, I wanna say I have read almost every post of your blog, and it really makes me happy that someone's taking the time to do this. Actually help us with our doubts and everything.

Before beginning my history, I just want to note that my main language is not English, so there will probably be mistakes with grammar or something like it. 

It's hard to choose where to start, but I'll do my best.

I have had an inner doubt for a few months now: am I a sociopath? 

How did I get to this question?

During one class at school, my teacher was talking about Sociopaths, noting every trace that one might have, and, to be honest, I had seen myself in those traces as he spoke, but said nothing. The thing is, as soon as the teacher finished, my friends looked at me and smirked, 'you're a Sociopath', they said. And I simply took that as a joke. 

It's been in my mind since then.

In my small group of friends, I've always been known as the 'weirdo', simply because I'm not outspoken, I don't get along with most of our colleagues, and always been called the 'cold' one, because I never really showed my feelings. I never been outspoken, but I always been articulated with words.

Lately I have developed a curiosity towards serial killers. I've always had this 'uncommon' interest in things that people usually tend to ignore because it doesn't seem healthy. 

The therms sociopath and psychopath became a routine, but it was more like a hobby until I came across this personality test to see if you're a 'sociopath'. My intention was just to amuse myself, but when the result was positive, I made other three tests like that, and all of them the same. I don't think this could be a trustful diagnoses, so I started looking up for the traces of a sociopath, and it seemed that I had many things in common. 

Since I have been a child, I have never got along with other people very well, simply because I'd rather my own company, but people always seem to love me. Teachers, other students, everyone. They saw me like this smart and sweet little girl, but deep inside I felt like I was pretending. Until I learned I could get things from it. I'd usually be nice to people to get something. Anything. Not a big deal to me, everyone does that, and specially back then (I believe I was 9). 

I think my life took this turn when I was 4, because I was molested in school, but I can't really say, since I don't remember anything before that. My mom says that after that, I turned into this more reserved girl. This was a fact that I had to pretend I forgot for the next 10 years, because I did not want my parents to worry about it. 

Since I can remember, I haven't been really that person that loves everyone. No, I'm not saying I don't love. I do. I love my family. My mom, my dad, my grandma, my brother... The ones that are with me in a daily basis. 

I don't have many people I consider friends, because I just can't trust people. And even if I do trust them, I have never been able to be truthful with them. I'm not saying that I lie about everything, but even when there's no reason to, I'll make up a lie or two, sometimes just to show them that I'm better somehow. In my whole life, I only had one friend I have been totally honest, and that I totally trusted. Someone I'd give my life for. (What happened isn't really what matters.)

I think, even when I don't feel able to love or feel empathy for everyone I know, I love too much that small group of people that I'm able to feel something for. I hope I'm making sense here, as said, my mother tongue is not English. But I love too much, to the point I feel it gets close to an obsession.

Manipulating people to get something, sometimes only amusement, is also something I do quite often. Isn't really something I try to do, it comes and I don't even realize. To mention one case that happens often, I usually will talk guys into believe I like them, so I'll get something back. Information about something I have the need to know, getting them to pay for things and all that. 

I also have bursts of anger often, since really young. Sometimes there's not even a reason behind it, I just get the urge to hurt someone or break something. In the past few years I blamed this on self destruction. 

First time I ever tried to hurt someone, I was really young, to the point I can only remember flashes and what my grandmother tells me. She was laying down on the couch, and I simply hit her head with something. To be honest, the only thing I can remember of this event is me looking at her head and then just hitting her. 

Second time I can remember, I was between 8 or 10 years old, when my cousin was tripping on the stars and reached out for me. I grabbed her hand but I wanted to see what would happen if I let her go, and I did. She didn't get hurt, and I convinced one other cousin that was there with us, to tell my aunt that I didn't let her go, that her hand slipped from mine. My aunt believed me, and nothing happened to me.

Last year, I was camping with three friends, and this one was making me irritated, somehow. He took something from me without asking, and lost it. I was really angry, and told him to look for it, but instead, he sat down and started using his phone. He was sitting in the dark, and I remember walking to a pile of sticks, grabbing one and going behind him. When I was about to raise it and hit him, he turned around and saw me, so he walked away. Our other friends had to sit me down and make me calm down.

I don't think I am a bad person, nor these episodes make me a Sociopath or not, because everyone has these bursts of anger and do things they'd regret. But I don't regret. I don't regret almost hitting him, because in the end he found the thing and gave it back to me. I don't regret lying, I don't regret manipulating, and I don't regret doing things that other people wouldn't. I think the closest I have to feel something about it, besides the thrill, is being anxious with the possibility of being caught on my lies or anything I do.

For the last two years, I've been to therapy. I hate school, and that's normal, so I had suicide attempts and started self harming, because I wanted a way to get away from school. It worked for one year and a half. I started therapy and my therapist would write to school to justify why I wasn't going to my classes. But back then my explanation to myself, was that I had depression. Maybe I had, I'm not really sure, but these days I've been thinking about the possibility of being a Sociopath, and it crossed my mind that maybe I created these symptoms to get away from school, something I hated. Something I was forced to do.

I never really had problems with my exams, so that wasn't the problem. I'd like to consider myself quite smart. I never really had to study for tests, I'd only listen to the teacher for half an hour, and I'd get high notes on my exams. I always been the best in my classes, without much effort. 

Again, it always led people to like me. I never really understood why, because I never did anything, but people always try to talk to me, they always like me. I guess I started liking the fact that I could get something from it.

Earlier today, I had therapy, and questioned my therapist about being a Sociopath. Mentioned the tests and all. She said I'm cold, insensitive, egocentric, but didn't get to the point to tell me if I was or not. She simply said 'all of us have the traits of a sociopath'. 

I know it might sound like I'm trying to convince you that I might be, because I have seen several people claiming to be sociopaths because they want to hurt other people when they're angry, but I am being truthful, here. I have nothing to lose by saying the truth, and nothing to gain by lying. I just wanted to know if I am or not, because for the first time I think I found someone that is like me, and that there's actually nothing wrong with not being empathetic with everyone you know, just because society tells you to. 

My friendships never last for too long, because I always expect more from them, and they always disappoint me. Letting go of them and losing the feelings (sometimes, shallow feelings), is never too hard. The only thing is the feeling of revenging for the betrayal. 

I think these are the things that might help you with... Helping me. I need to get this doubt out of my head. 

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