Sunday, February 8, 2015

A comprehensive attempt to categorize oneself

A long email from a reader asking:

First of all, I wanna say I have read almost every post of your blog, and it really makes me happy that someone's taking the time to do this. Actually help us with our doubts and everything.

Before beginning my history, I just want to note that my main language is not English, so there will probably be mistakes with grammar or something like it. 

It's hard to choose where to start, but I'll do my best.

I have had an inner doubt for a few months now: am I a sociopath? 

How did I get to this question?

During one class at school, my teacher was talking about Sociopaths, noting every trace that one might have, and, to be honest, I had seen myself in those traces as he spoke, but said nothing. The thing is, as soon as the teacher finished, my friends looked at me and smirked, 'you're a Sociopath', they said. And I simply took that as a joke. 

It's been in my mind since then.

In my small group of friends, I've always been known as the 'weirdo', simply because I'm not outspoken, I don't get along with most of our colleagues, and always been called the 'cold' one, because I never really showed my feelings. I never been outspoken, but I always been articulated with words.

Lately I have developed a curiosity towards serial killers. I've always had this 'uncommon' interest in things that people usually tend to ignore because it doesn't seem healthy. 

The therms sociopath and psychopath became a routine, but it was more like a hobby until I came across this personality test to see if you're a 'sociopath'. My intention was just to amuse myself, but when the result was positive, I made other three tests like that, and all of them the same. I don't think this could be a trustful diagnoses, so I started looking up for the traces of a sociopath, and it seemed that I had many things in common. 

Since I have been a child, I have never got along with other people very well, simply because I'd rather my own company, but people always seem to love me. Teachers, other students, everyone. They saw me like this smart and sweet little girl, but deep inside I felt like I was pretending. Until I learned I could get things from it. I'd usually be nice to people to get something. Anything. Not a big deal to me, everyone does that, and specially back then (I believe I was 9). 

I think my life took this turn when I was 4, because I was molested in school, but I can't really say, since I don't remember anything before that. My mom says that after that, I turned into this more reserved girl. This was a fact that I had to pretend I forgot for the next 10 years, because I did not want my parents to worry about it. 

Since I can remember, I haven't been really that person that loves everyone. No, I'm not saying I don't love. I do. I love my family. My mom, my dad, my grandma, my brother... The ones that are with me in a daily basis. 

I don't have many people I consider friends, because I just can't trust people. And even if I do trust them, I have never been able to be truthful with them. I'm not saying that I lie about everything, but even when there's no reason to, I'll make up a lie or two, sometimes just to show them that I'm better somehow. In my whole life, I only had one friend I have been totally honest, and that I totally trusted. Someone I'd give my life for. (What happened isn't really what matters.)

I think, even when I don't feel able to love or feel empathy for everyone I know, I love too much that small group of people that I'm able to feel something for. I hope I'm making sense here, as said, my mother tongue is not English. But I love too much, to the point I feel it gets close to an obsession.

Manipulating people to get something, sometimes only amusement, is also something I do quite often. Isn't really something I try to do, it comes and I don't even realize. To mention one case that happens often, I usually will talk guys into believe I like them, so I'll get something back. Information about something I have the need to know, getting them to pay for things and all that. 

I also have bursts of anger often, since really young. Sometimes there's not even a reason behind it, I just get the urge to hurt someone or break something. In the past few years I blamed this on self destruction. 

First time I ever tried to hurt someone, I was really young, to the point I can only remember flashes and what my grandmother tells me. She was laying down on the couch, and I simply hit her head with something. To be honest, the only thing I can remember of this event is me looking at her head and then just hitting her. 

Second time I can remember, I was between 8 or 10 years old, when my cousin was tripping on the stars and reached out for me. I grabbed her hand but I wanted to see what would happen if I let her go, and I did. She didn't get hurt, and I convinced one other cousin that was there with us, to tell my aunt that I didn't let her go, that her hand slipped from mine. My aunt believed me, and nothing happened to me.

Last year, I was camping with three friends, and this one was making me irritated, somehow. He took something from me without asking, and lost it. I was really angry, and told him to look for it, but instead, he sat down and started using his phone. He was sitting in the dark, and I remember walking to a pile of sticks, grabbing one and going behind him. When I was about to raise it and hit him, he turned around and saw me, so he walked away. Our other friends had to sit me down and make me calm down.

I don't think I am a bad person, nor these episodes make me a Sociopath or not, because everyone has these bursts of anger and do things they'd regret. But I don't regret. I don't regret almost hitting him, because in the end he found the thing and gave it back to me. I don't regret lying, I don't regret manipulating, and I don't regret doing things that other people wouldn't. I think the closest I have to feel something about it, besides the thrill, is being anxious with the possibility of being caught on my lies or anything I do.

For the last two years, I've been to therapy. I hate school, and that's normal, so I had suicide attempts and started self harming, because I wanted a way to get away from school. It worked for one year and a half. I started therapy and my therapist would write to school to justify why I wasn't going to my classes. But back then my explanation to myself, was that I had depression. Maybe I had, I'm not really sure, but these days I've been thinking about the possibility of being a Sociopath, and it crossed my mind that maybe I created these symptoms to get away from school, something I hated. Something I was forced to do.

I never really had problems with my exams, so that wasn't the problem. I'd like to consider myself quite smart. I never really had to study for tests, I'd only listen to the teacher for half an hour, and I'd get high notes on my exams. I always been the best in my classes, without much effort. 

Again, it always led people to like me. I never really understood why, because I never did anything, but people always try to talk to me, they always like me. I guess I started liking the fact that I could get something from it.

Earlier today, I had therapy, and questioned my therapist about being a Sociopath. Mentioned the tests and all. She said I'm cold, insensitive, egocentric, but didn't get to the point to tell me if I was or not. She simply said 'all of us have the traits of a sociopath'. 

I know it might sound like I'm trying to convince you that I might be, because I have seen several people claiming to be sociopaths because they want to hurt other people when they're angry, but I am being truthful, here. I have nothing to lose by saying the truth, and nothing to gain by lying. I just wanted to know if I am or not, because for the first time I think I found someone that is like me, and that there's actually nothing wrong with not being empathetic with everyone you know, just because society tells you to. 

My friendships never last for too long, because I always expect more from them, and they always disappoint me. Letting go of them and losing the feelings (sometimes, shallow feelings), is never too hard. The only thing is the feeling of revenging for the betrayal. 

I think these are the things that might help you with... Helping me. I need to get this doubt out of my head. 

Friday, February 6, 2015

Re-thinking personality disorders

From a reader:

I read your blog post from 2012 titled "Why I hate narcissists" and I think you should try to think of them a little differently(if you don't already, considering the post is from 2012.) I've been best friends with a narcissist since elementary school. He is obsessed with being liked, looking cool, etc. He'll lie to make himself look good, do anything for attention etc. He has all the hallmark traits of a classic narcissist.

My point is, I have always kept him around as a sort of sidekick. He is not very smart, again a trait of a narcissist, so he doesn't notice when I am manipulating him. He loves attention, no matter if it's good or bad, so he was a great fall-guy anytime we got in trouble. He'd gladly take all the blame just for the attention, allowing me to get away scot-free. He would also improve my image and allow me to indirectly manipulate my impression on others through him. He would lie about me in order to make himself look better. After all, if his friends are great then that makes him look great too. Of course that meant that I could put all the blame on him if any of the lies were discovered, thus avoiding all risk while still getting all the reward. 

All in all I'd just like to say that narcissists might be the most useful tools in a sociopaths arsenal. so you might want to reconsider your opinions on them.

I have actually already have reconsidered my opinions on them. "Hated" was always an overstatement as it applied to narcissists, I'm sure. But also I think I don't think of people as fitting such neat boxes as "narcissist" anymore. Or at least I try not to if I can help it.  I still think that labels are a useful abstraction that help people understand themselves and others. But particularly for personality disorders, the lines separating us are not bright as people make it out to seem. These diagnoses say things like you need "three or more" of a long list of characteristics, but a lot of people have in their mind that a "true" diagnosis actually looks like. Like the classic BPD is a female cutter who is emotionally unstable with outbursts and oversexualized or whatever else. Where do they get this picture from? Stereotypes probably owe their genesis to truth, but the stereotype is by its nature an oversimplification. Still, people assume that if you don't fit the stereotype you must not be X. And I sort of feel like personality disorder diagnoses (at least as they are commonly conceptualized and used) are essentially as valuable and truthful as a stereotype. And that's where the label making starts getting a little absurd. Lately I am more of the opinion that personality disorders all share certain things in common -- problems with identity and sense of self, e.g. Then there are maybe 50 or so traits that they could also have depending on how the lack of sense of self played out in their development -- variations in how they understand and deal with their emotions, variations in their conception of their self, variations in how they deal with others, are they generally passive or aggressive, are they generally driven or lazy, introverted or extroverted, delusional or self-aware? And is it possible to have a driven introverted self-aware sociopath? Or do they all come out extroverted lazy and delusional? What if, like a rubics cube, we change just one of those traits. When does a sociopath who has all of the classic traits suddenly cease to be a sociopath? Taking away one trait? Two? And which ones are essential and which ones could you expect to see some variety within the population

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Sociopath or not?

From a reader:

Hi, I was wondering if you could give me some kind of answer on whether or not I have sociopathic tendencies? Honestly I'm pretty concerned with my thoughts and emotions and I was hoping you could give me some kind of advice if possible.

I'm a 14 year old female and from a very young age I've been known to be aggressive and both verbally and physically abusive. It has calmed down slightly throughout the years but for a while now I've been having both suicidal and homocidal thoughts. I have no intention with carrying out with the actions but at times they're so overwhelming I get frustrated. I'm no longer in schooling for the moment because of my outbursts and anger, I have no talent for being patient and although I had numerous chances, I was unable to change my behaviour and how I reacted to things. It got to the point where I could barely make it through a whole class.

I've researched the signs and symptoms and I could honestly relate to some. I'm going to point a few things out which I lack and if its decided that they're one of the primary traits of being one, it'll make the rest of this email irrelevant. 

"Animal cruelty" is beyond what I could do. If I were in a situation where I could either choose a human or a dog to live, It'd be the dog all the way. I don't take much interest in animals and it doesn't bother me that most die but there are around 3-4 certain animals I couldn't tolerate dying. I'm rather fond when it comes to the common house pet. With all of that said I still wouldn't mind slaughtering something, maybe even dissecting.

"Lack of empathy", I'd be lying if I said a severe lack of it. I'm to the point where I'm not exactly sure if I lack it or not. I care about my family and would do anything to attempt to prevent danger but I'm not too sure if its love. I recently attended my nan's funeral, of course my eyes got watery but I couldn't cry. I wanted to, I really did considering I looked like a heartless bitch but I couldn't. Over the last two years I've been gradually losing it. 

I believe I'm quite smart, I'm able to spot things that most people couldn't. I've been told numerous times that I'm manipulative but not as straight forward as that. I could change someones opinion within minutes of talking to him/her. Sometimes I get so caught up with thinking about myself that I over see reality and wonder if I'm enabled to some kind of supernatural ability, I believe that I could do many things, anything I want to do. 

I'm just going to run over some things that would possibly be needed to judge and provide your opinion. In the past I've done drugs and have drank alcohol, well whenever I go out. I'm really anti-social, I can't stand being around others for more than an hour at most. The first time I smoked was to try it out, the second time was an attempt to calm down and since I've been smoking. Sometimes I enjoy laying in bed and thinking of ways to end people, to end myself. I've made plans in my head that I couldn't follow through with. Honestly, I'd love to follow through with them but there's things that stop me. Simple things like the outcome of it, wasting away in a cell where I couldn't fulfil my ambitions and become something better then everyone else. I couldn't do it for simple things like that, including what my family would go through because of me.

My old school suggested that I have ADHD, the one after suggested I had some kind of severe anger problem. I often get irritated and angry and when I do I say things that I wouldn't normally say, I take my frustration out on walls and objects in the house and when at my worse I'd lash out without even thinking. 

I'm not too sure what else to say or if you even took time to read this but if you did, thank-you.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Beliefs vs. ideas

I thought this was interesting idea, from a recent comment on an old post:

And finally, as for your comment about thoughts vs beliefs, I would say I personally have found it better to have ideas about as many things as possible as opposed to beliefs since ideas are more easily changed if necessary whereas beliefs can limit you as a human being. I'm not saying it's wrong to have beliefs - it's healthy. Just that the more beliefs you have about people and the world, the more limited you are in the ways you can experience the world and I think that would be a good frame of reference for anyone who identifies as a sociopath as well. 

I do think this is how sociopaths probably generally see the world. It's fine for me to have in my mind a series of what I guesstimate are the probabilities that something is true -- e.g. whether or not the moon landing was real, whether or not I am real, whether or not the whole world is a simulation, whether I love my siblings, whether my religion is true. But I don't really have beliefs about most things. I know that some people are the opposite. I have a close family member who has beliefs about all sorts of things, like if you tell him a story about an issue with a co-worker he might have a belief about what really happened and why the person got upset. That belief will seem as true to him in the moment as whether or not he is was born on a particular date -- in fact maybe more so, because he doesn't remember specifically being born and so it doesn't feel as real to him as does his belief about your co-worker. And they are deeply held and he seems to identify with them at a profound level. And it does seem like it would limit you, especially if you were the type to have a strong sense of self. Because these beliefs are you, and if someone challenges your beliefs then they are challenging you and you will be defensive. Does that sound right?

It reminds me of this recent post.


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Culpability

From a reader:

http://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=180096559

RAINE: You know, I mean at one level we can talk about treatment. We may come on to that a little bit later. But take that individual with all the boxes checked, all the risk factors, and their free will was constrained early in life, OK, and they commit a murder. Then let's take you, who I presume you don't have too many risk factors in your life, and then you go and kill me, you commit the same act.

You've got no excuses; the other person has. Don't we go easier on that other person and instead of either executing them or taking away their basic rights, we put them more in a safe, secure institution, which - where the regime is not as harsh, and their basic human rights are not lost?

So at one level, even before we get into treatment, I think people like this could be held in safer, more humane conditions because, you know, prisons are dangerous places to be. And, you know, we should cut them some slack. Protect society - I'm not saying let them back out on the street, because, as I say, they could be walking time bombs waiting to explode - but let's step back a bit and recognize that, you know, OK, maybe we do have free will, but some people have more free will than others.
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