Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Sociopath quote: Calculating machine

"Bear in mind that my brain works like a calculating machine. Each person who makes a presesntation to me introduces into this calculating machine a small wheel of information. There forms a certain picture, or a number on each wheel. I press a button and there flashes into my mind the sum of all this information."

--Adolf Hitler

Monday, May 26, 2014

Self-deception

From a reader:
I’m not a sociopath, but I’m sure the sentiments expressed here can be appreciated by those who are. Somewhat recently, I came to a point of reflection in my life, and what I saw in the mirror wasn't at all what I'd thought it to be when I was younger. I'd always believed myself to be a good person--honest to a fault, and happily willing to help others in need. But after a few years of struggle, I came to realize that I was lying to myself so I could lie to others without feeling guilty. I helped others to help myself maintain my own sense of self worth through the false image I'd created.

This realization was sparked by a significant breakup that left me feeling betrayed and vulnerable, which caused my true colors to surface. I sabotaged my ex's new relationship with half-truths spoken in a heart-felt manner to her boyfriend, and I worked tirelessly to position myself in a spot where he couldn't be rid of me without coming off as an unreasonable asshole. After nearly two years of that delicate balancing act, I reached a point where I had my ex doing household chores for me at no cost, more or less whenever I requested it. I did it for the sense of power it gave me, and I relished the thought of the pain it must be causing the father of her child. Every time she came over, a large fight between them would, and still does, break out, and I loved every minute of it. After a while, he refused to hang out with me, saying that being around me made him nauseous. After further probing my ex, I found out he was having nightmares about me. It was enthralling, but even while I was caught up in the intoxication of revenge, I went through a difficult internal struggle trying to make sense of the conflict between who I believed myself to be and how much I enjoyed what I was doing.

In the end, I was forced to accept the facts. I liked hurting him. I liked controlling her. I loved the thought of her staying in a dead-end relationship, never finding satisfaction. I liked having my things done for me for free. It wasn't about righting wrongs, nor was it about friendship. The glee I felt at the thought of it all wasn't something I could just sweep under the rug. But acceptance wasn't easy to come by, because I'd always believed very strongly in the ideas of right and wrong. It was the basis of the hatred I came to realize that I felt for my ex and her boyfriend, and without those very morals which would call my actions into question, I had no way to justify what I was doing. Freedom from that conflict required a paradigm shift in my perceptions of me and the world at large.

But accepting these parts of me, and realizing that they needed no justification, caused a dramatic shift in my life. I'm calmer, more laid back, and I'm easier to get along with. I'm more prone to compromise, and little things don't bother me so much. It's hard to believe that acceptance of such dark aspects of my personality could bring me so much peace, but with it has come such a great release of anger, toward both myself and others, that I'm left feeling like I'm on a permanent vacation. When I cause pain to those who have harmed me, or symbolically trade nic-nacs for bars of solid gold, I no longer feel a sense of glee, nor am I wracked with guilt about it. I simply look at the world, and the phrase which best describes what I feel is, "All is as it should be." That feeling has brought with it many significant benefits in nearly every aspect of my life, from career all the way to romance. And to this day, my chores are still done for me by the woman who inadvertently freed me from myself. I can't imagine going back to that life of self-delusion. I only wish that everyone could learn to shed their false skins, so they could find out what lies inside and learn to truly love it. The world would be a much happier place.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Sociopaths on television: Luther's Alice Morgan

There's a very fun "malignant narcissist" (seems more sociopathic) character in the BBC television series Luther. The titular character says this about her: "The way Alice sees it is this world is full of people that have "offended her, embarassed her, let her down, and those people deserve to be punished." The way she is portrayed is very well done -- her moments of quiet reflection, her inappropriate emotional responses, her boredom, her seeming contradictions, her complicated relationships, her pleasure in life -- all come off as being very three dimensionally real, and, apart from a few bad acts and the occasional moments of craziness, she is very high functioning.

Definitely worth watching.

Spoilers in the clip below, but a good example of the narcissistic/sociopathic traits in the character. Also a good example of how useful getting advice from a self-aware narcissist or sociopath can be:

Friday, May 23, 2014

Manipulation 101

I was a very manipulative child but people started resenting it immensely as I grew older. It was a struggle to learn subtle manipulation tactics to replace my heavy-handed ones but now I have sort of a personal rule (aimed at sustainability) of using only subtle manipulation, except in emergency situations.

My favorite subtle manipulation that I use multiple times a day is to refer to people by what I want them to be to me, e.g. friend, lover, colleague, etc. I learned this when I was taking a swimming class that also had a very small diving component. The diving coach only came one day to work with us. We were all beginners but he had us circle around and said, "Hello divers." The rest of the session whenever he wanted to get our attention, he addressed us as divers. It seemed weird at first, because I had never had any formal training in diving so I didn't feel like I deserved to be called a diver. It didn't seem totally inappropriate given the circumstances, however, and there was something about him always referring to us as divers that made me think that I was a diver, or at least that I was capable of being one. I saw what I was doing as not just messing around, but taking the first steps on the path to becoming a diver. I continued to think about myself in that context for the rest of the session, unconsciously trying hard to live up to the expectation that he set for us of being "divers".

Since then I started calling people by their title. When I greet people that I like and want to be loyal to me I say, "hello friend," or "hey buddy." As long as the person does not actively hate me, referring to them in this way causes them to behave more friendly to me, no matter how close we actually are (or aren't). I like to call my bosses "boss" because it subtly strokes their ego without seeming sycophantic. I even call my relatives by their relation to me, particularly if I need to somehow leverage that sense of blood to get something from them. It gives everyone a sense of security, a sense of concrete position and value in the world. They're grateful to you for this, and they also feel that you "believe in them," particularly if the title you are referring to them by is somewhat aspirational, e.g. "tax expert" or "plumbing guru." Try it, I think you'll like it.

Any other favorite subtle manipulation tools?

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Q&A Day!

Ok, it's been a while since we've done this, but go ahead and put any questions you have in the comments addressed to "M.E." so I can find them. I'll try to answer throughout the day according to my availability. 
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