Saturday, April 5, 2014

The Wolf of Your Street

Andy Jones writes for Men's Health UK about how I (sort of) mentored him to (sort of) success. The article is pretty entertaining. One of my favorite stories:

Olga, our cleaner, has to go. My partner Jennifer adores her, even though her work is sloppy. Also I'm paying 40 a week for someone to break stuff and push a vacuum around. Empathetic Me would have given he a warning; then -- if I had to -- the 'it's not you it's me' talk and sent her off with a tip. Weak. 

Sociopaths don't just take what they want, says Thomas. They take more. "Say a friend is selling a car for 5000 and another is looking to buy one for 10,000. Most people would simply put the two in touch. Not me. I would buy form the first friend, sell it to the second and double my money." Emboldened by Thomas's ruthlessly simple rationale, I corner Olga on Monday, cleaning day

"We're done here. No more cleaning." 

"Ok, I see you next week." 

"No, I no longer need a cleaner." 

"But Jennifer..." she starts. "No, I am saying I don't need a cleaner."

Now for the profit: I like to Jen that I have booked the cleaner for the next week then do a deliberately half-arsed job of cleaning the house myself. Jen notices the house is still a tip. "You know what, you're right -- we need to let Olga go." I offer to do the firing -- covering my tracks while looking both decisive and strong -- and pocket the 40. Later on, conscience racked, I pay for dinner. This kind of stuff doesn't come naturally. Deep down, I'm a nice guy. On a night out both the drinks and the jokes are on me. I'm ambitious but cautious and often think what I could achieve with sharper elbows.

I really enjoy hearing about empaths trying out sociopathic traits, although I wouldn't have bothered cleaning the flat, even half-arsed, I would have just told Jennifer that she decided to move back to Estonia (but I guess he did get some money out of it?). It's funny that many of them see it as something to aspire to, as if they could accomplish many more of their dreams if they just toughened up a bit. But frequently as they start toughening up, they start realizing that accomplishing the dream is not actually the most important thing to them. And I think that's good for them. Good for them to realize that there are other things they would rather have than that particular brass ring, so they can stop pining for it and feeling miserable when they don't get it. Because it is not all that sociopathic to be envious (except for the mythological covetous sociopath, whom I sort of suspect is just a malignant narcissist?).

But don't stop at that realization, I say. Explore the experience for what exactly it is that you really do want above all else. For instance, later in the article he describes being sociopathic in his relationship:

In the bedroom, I've been persistent in my campaign against Jen's negligence with negligees. It's working. "I like this power game," Jen purrs, as she tries the lacy ensemble I've picked. But I don't enjoy manipulating her. Being a sociopath is fine in emails. Face to face, it's a very different matter.

Not to read too much into what is mainly just an entertaining piece, but it's interesting that he says he doesn't enjoy manipulating her. And I'm sure he doesn't. But why? Is it because he thinks she doesn't like being manipulated? Because it seems like she does, at least in this seductive way (everyone wants to be seduced). The problem seems to be more that manipulation doesn't suit his "nice guy" vision he has for himself, even if that is exactly what his partner desires from him apparently. If so, this example sort of supports my theory that one reason that sociopaths are such charming chameleons is because they have a weak sense of self, i.e. that they don't allow their own need for personal integrity and identity to interfere with their desire to please another.

Also, apropos of nothing, but have I noticed before that "pathetic" is in "empathetic"? There must be some interesting shared root analysis there.

Friday, April 4, 2014

10 Ways to be Charming

I love the title to this article, "10 Genuine Ways Anyone Can Be Exceptionally Charming," as if there were completely nefarious ways to be charming. That's one thing that I think is interesting reading the tales of victims of sociopaths. When you factor out other risk factors like drug abuse, alcoholism, bad family upbringing, etc., etc., my anecdotally based opinion is that sociopathy doesn't really seem to contribute that much more to ones propensity to "abuse" others (not misuse, but actually abuse). Maybe I am wrong, and I would love to see some actual data on this, but my impression is that the most common complaint against sociopaths is that they pretended to be so wonderful, which is why it was such a letdown to be let go. The truth is that sociopaths can be extremely friendly, considerate neighbors, passionate lovers, great listeners, funny, easy-going, intense, quirky/brilliant at times, and compelling. Despite being labeled "antisocial," sociopaths are often some of the most charming people you meet, and for the same reasons that anyone else is charming.

Here are excerpts from the top 10 list that I found most compelling(ly sociopathic):

  • When you feel someone "gets" you, respecting your opinion, your point of view, your experience--whatever you're communicating--Charming people willingly admit their mistakes. They don't mind serving as a cautionary tale. They don't mind being a source of laughter, for others and for themselves.then you naturally feel more important. The other person doesn't have to agree with you; they just have to show they respect you. How? They maintain eye contact. They smile when you smile. They frown when you frown. They nod your head when you nod. In simple, nonverbal ways, they mimic your behavior--not slavishly, but because they're focused on what you're saying. That feedback loop helps two people bond--and the ability to bond is the essence of charm.
  • Charming people don't try to win any unstated competitions with people they meet. In fact, they actively try to lose. They're complimentary. They're impressed. They're even willing to admit a weakness or a failure.
  • Charming people don't actively (or unknowingly) look to disagree; they look for points of agreement. Then, if it's appropriate, they gently share a different point of view--and in that way, help create an outstanding conversation. [See also my worst media appearances.]
  • Some people have a knack for getting you to talk openly yourself. They ask open-ended questions. They sincerely want to know what you think, and that makes you open up to a surprising degree. You feel like the most interesting man (or woman) in the world. And you like them for making you feel that way. As soon as you learn something about someone, ask why they do it. Or how. Or what they like about it, or what they've learned from it. Charming people ask sincere questions that make it easy to answer in a thoughtful, introspective way. They make you think, in a good way, about yourself, and in the process make you feel charming too. [I was once told that when I do this with people who are not used to being treated this way, it can be especially disarming.]
  • They always pass the waiter test. Some people put on a great show in certain situations, but they don't try nearly as hard when they think a person is beneath them. I like to call it the waiter test: If you really want to know how an individual treats people, take him to lunch. How he interacts with the waiter is a much better indication of his interpersonal skills than how he interacts with you. Charming people treat everyone the same way: as deserving of respect and kindness.
  • Charming people remember names and even small details, often to a surprising degree. The fact they remember instantly makes us feel a little prouder and a little better about ourselves. And that makes us feel better about them.
  • They always say less. Charming people already know what they know. They want to know what you know. And that makes you feel important. Because you are.
You are important! Just because someone turned out to be a sociopath doesn't mean that they think they're better than you or didn't genuinely care for you in their own way. Before I was self-aware, yes, I did think I was better than most people. But that was because I only saw other people's flaws and not my own (sound familiar?). After being taken down a peg or two in my life, I realized that everyone's just different but an equally important part of the human race. I guess that makes me a humanist?

But are they sincere about it? See, I don't think they could ever be sincere in the exact same way that an empath is because for the empath a lot of what they think of as sincerity involves empathy. But does that mean the sociopath can't ever be sincere, because he isn't doing or saying the things for the same reason that you might?

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Magazine story request

From a journalist:

Dear M.E., 

I am a journalist in the Washington, D.C. area planning to pitch a story to [a women's magazine about sociopathy. To prepare a good pitch I need to find several people under the age of 30 (the [magazine] demographic) who have had some sort of relationship with a sociopath.

In addition, I also need to compile a list of potential sources and interviewees for such a piece.

Since you have an online community on the topic, I suspect you probably receive many e-mails from both victims of sociopathy and sociopaths themselves. Would you be able to connect me with some of the victims (preferably women under 30) who have interesting stories to tell? Perhaps someone who was in a committed relationship with a sociopath?

Many thanks!

If you are either a female sociopath or a female victim of a sociopath, preferably under 30, let me know and I'll forward your email on to the journalist.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Quote: Pretending

“To pretend, I actually do the thing: I have therefore only pretended to pretend.”

― Jacques Derrida

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Psycho vs. psychotic (part 2)

The reader explains what it feels like to live the life of a psychotic (which description I'd be reckless enough to call important, particularly as I have traditionally thought of psychotics as the "truly crazy" disordered, when really their worlds don't seem so much more distorted than the worlds of the rest of us).

Based upon dictionary definitions of the word everyone is "psychotic", as etymologically it describes anything related to or affected by psychological and mental processes.

Despite their best intentions mental healthcare providers are essentially tasked with turning down the volume and ensuing productivity. I recently called my boss to task for making fun of a 'crazy homeless man' who was walking around talking to, and smacking, himself. These abhorrent behaviours are two that I perform from time to time; especially during more agitated mixed states when my guard is down and my mind throws open the flood gates to every thought and sensation it can barely handle. The distinction is, of course, that I have a shower and go to work; so my psychosis (and hence burden to society) isn't as bad. 

That I identify as a psychotic is because it fits my experiences between than as a sufferer of a disorder. By choice, but often not, my daily life features conspicuous manifestations of my inner landscape. Some months back I sat on a train biting teethmarks into my right hand, just because. My job involves a lot of running up and down stairs, and when I'm descending my hands contort into talons; and I've felt wings arching out behind me before. Paranoia and the odd aggressive display (including hissing and snarling at people) are possibly less attractive -  and possibly the parts which most people associate "psychotic" with. 

Over time I've come to struggle with the notion of a disease entity afflicting me. For the most part these unusual traits have no baring on anything I'm doing. The brilliant Darian Leader once wrote of a psychiatric patient who was quite sane, bar his vocal belief in a non-existent European country. A fully functional human being was effectively quarantined for a mishap of geography. 

As I'm not a psychopath it's difficult to try and describe any distinction between "you" and "us" (especially since I don't want to speak for anyone but myself). However it is telling that '-path' is tacked on the end there: a more naked disorder classification; though psychotic is a more loaded term I feel. Psychotics are totally out of control; violent paranoid schizophrenics busying themselves with senseless murder while psychopaths (as you will of course know) are all about Debussy and fava beans. 

At a push I think its about how one enters into the world. Maybe psychotics and psychopaths are (consciously or otherwise) naturally inclined to focus on/give credence to their own inner worlds more than "normal" people. Psychotics find little or no distinction between reality, the sensory and the imagined. For us there is no cure, rather a need to determine and discover how involved we can/want to be with others; whereas normals can't even conceive of having any alternatives. 

I've actually being laying out a lot of my experiences as a psychotic out on my own website, particularly in this article: http://causecatyljan.com/2013/08/19/psukhe/.  

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