Monday, February 11, 2013

Sociopaths recognizing each other and manipulation

A reader asks whether sociopaths can recognize each other, and what's the deal with sociopath charm and knowing the right thing to say, etc.:
I think sociopaths can recognize each other. I imagine it's like con artists stumbling across each other -- there are so many shared tricks, that it's easy to see part of yourself in the other person. But not all sociopaths are the same, so that wouldn't be universally true, and I think some sociopaths are more open about manipulation, etc. than others. So it depends. But I have found other sociopaths by doing a delicate dance of disclosure and eliciting information before sharing my own. But there could be others that I have just never known about, so it is hard to say what percentage of sociopaths I am successfully able to detect.

Manipulation is a lot about reading the other people for their reactions in a trial and error sort of way. Imagine the best "yes men." They pretty much just throw out a lot of opinions, see which one their target seems to latch onto, and then reemphasize that particular one. Most people are expecting to see some things and not others, so you just watch for those signs in their face. If it seems like you are getting off, you'll see a look of confusion or disgust, after which you quickly backpedal and go the opposite way. Otherwise you'll see signs of apathy or approval. I imagine it is a lot like a blind man feeling his way through an unfamiliar room. I do the same thing in interviews or first dates, and I think everyone does it to a certain extent. We sort of give vague answers to feel people out and avoid committing on anything until the other person commits first.

Hmm, what are some of my favorite manipulation movies/books? Housesitter, Dangerous Liaisons, Being John Malkovich... also The Art of Seduction and The 48 Laws of Power are very good resources. I do categorize people, but don't really have standard lines the same way pick up artists or con artists seem to have. So I guess it is more intuitive, and by that I mean there is an excessive amount of data mining going on in a seemingly innocent conversation. Or if I'm feeling lazy, or am in a group, I put on a show for everyone, tell some charming story, or engage the group in the story of someone else there -- trying to be a curator of the interesting, the cultural, the entertaining. Actually I was just talking with a friend who knows what I am and she said she sometimes wishes she could be me in group settings -- always entertaining, charming, intoxicating. My gut tells me it can be taught, and those resources I mention above are starting points. The real thing keeping most people from being charming, I think, is that they are unwilling to devote their entire energy and attention to someone else. They remain afraid that they are not coming off well, or self conscious, or whatever else it is that keeps people from diving into a role, so they never can be as affective as someone who can keep the focus entirely on the other person. I don't know to what extent that can be learned...

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Guest song: Valley of the Dolls



In the Valley of the Dolls we sleep, we sleep.
Got a hole inside of me, of me.
Gone with a boy, hard to destroy with love, oh.
Built with a heart broken from the start, and now I die slow.

In the Valley of the Dolls we sleep.
Got a hole inside of me.
Living with identities, that do not belong to me.
In my life I got this far, now I'm ready for my last hurrah.
Dying like a shooting star.
In the Valley (x3)

Pick a personality for free.
When you feel like nobody, body.
Gone with a boy, hard to destroy with love, oh.
Built with a heart broken from the start, and now I die slow.

In the Valley of the Dolls we sleep.
Got a hole inside of me.
Living with identities, that do not belong to me.
In my life I got this far, now I'm ready for my last hurrah.
Dying like a shooting star.
In the Valley (x3)

Back to zero, here we go again, again.
Racin' down into oblivion.
Back to zero, here we go.
I can feel it comin' to the end, the end.

In the Valley of the Dolls we sleep.
Got a hole inside of me.
Living with identities, that do not belong to me.
In my life I got this far, now I'm ready for my last hurrah.
Dying like a shooting star.
In the Valley (x3)




Saturday, February 9, 2013

Murderous children

This is an interesting article about the parents of one of the victims of the Columbine school massacre meeting with the parents of one of the shooters:
Approximately ten years and four months after Eric Harris murdered their child, Linda and Tom drove into Denver to greet his parents. The Harries declined to comment on the meeting. These are Linda’s impressions.
* * *
Wayne [Harris] was mystified by his son. Wayne and Kathy accepted that Eric was a psychopath. Where that came from, they didn’t know. But he fooled them, utterly.

He’d also fooled a slew of professionals. Wayne and Kathy clearly felt misled by the psychologist they sent him to. The doctor had brushed off Eric’s trademark duster as “only a coat.” He saw Eric’s problems as rather routine. At least that’s the impression he gave Wayne and Kathy.

They shared that perception with the Mausers. Other than the van break-in, Eric had never been in serious trouble, they said. He and Dylan were arrested in January 1998 and charged with three felonies. They eventually entered a juvenile diversion program, which involved close monitoring and various forms of restitution.

Eric rarely seemed angry, his parents said. There was one odd incident where he slammed his fist into a brick wall and scraped his knuckles. That was startling, but kids do weird things. It seemed like an aberration, not a pattern to be worried about.

Wayne and Kathy knew Eric had a Web site, but that didn’t seem odd. They never went online to look at it. “I found them kind of incurious,” Linda said.

From time to time, she wondered whether the Harrises were lying, or exaggerating. Her instincts said no. They did not strike her as calculating or devious; maybe a bit hapless. And Wayne was somewhat inscrutable. Honest, but not revealing. Linda believed them, but wondered whether the couple second-guessed themselves enough. “Honestly, if it were me this happened to, I think I’d still be questioning myself,” Linda said. “They did not seem to doubt themselves.”
But doubting oneself is only useful if there was another, better option available to you at the time given the information you had.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Winning streaks and outsourcing

I taught myself to feel anxiety about certain tasks for my continued health and welfare. I taught myself to be sensitive and careful about certain select things. And now it is sometimes hard to turn it off.

This is not a design flaw. If I had made anxiety easy to turn off, I would turn it off whenever it was inconvenient to me to feel that way.

I'll give you an example of why it might be good or necessary to not have control. I have never been a gearhead. So I have a friend who makes all of my choices of what to buy in those particular areas. Sometimes I question his judgment, think maybe I might like something else. I was telling another friend about this and he said, "so why don't you just buy what you want then?" But that's the thing. I have outsourced the decisionmaking to my gearhead friend. If I second guessed all of his recommendations, then really I have not outsourced anything to him. I have just decided to get his opinion about things. But that's not what I want. I want to not have to decide.

Similar with the anxiety. I used to not care at all. I used to do the craziest things. Then I didn't like the consequences, so at least in certain areas of my life I set my brain to thinking more about particular important tasks. At first I made it a game. Can I do this simple but important task better than anyone else? Then the game became about consistency -- can I achieve this level of superior skill for the longest streak ever seen?

It was such a successful tactic that I kept adding tasks to care about. It's funny, in my mind and in my life I must have hundreds if not thousands of these little games going on by now. All simultaneous. All keeping my life together. And they are sort of important, that's why I singled them out once upon a time to care about. But now when something goes wrong, the feeling of loss or letdown I feel is out of all proportion to the relative significance of the small skirmish lost. Because it's not just the one mistake, it's the end of a winning streak.

It's sort of laughable, that I have made myself like this -- chosen the choices I have led which have, when compounded with hundreds of similar choices, made me care a lot about certain little things. I should maybe rethink the plan. But I also now better understand why most people are the way they are -- why nature or God has chosen to reinforce our important decisions like mating with emotions like love. We have to give ourselves some sort of system to rely on when our minds might be distracted -- some way to make sure that important things don't slip your mind or through the cracks. And my system does that too, and probably just as well or better than emotional reinforcement. But my system takes an incredible mental toll. And when my mind gets taxed just slightly above what I have expected it, I can push myself into mind sickness. So that's why I might have to reconsider my system. Or maybe I should just to outsource more.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Manifesto of a non-monster

This is from a self-identified sociopath reader wanting to correct some of the misconceptions of sociopaths:


I am a sociopath.
I am drawn to power, yes, because it fills the void.
I do not inwardly comply with society's social rules, laws or ideas of right and wrong. I do not live by any other human being's moral code, I have created my own that suits me to perfection. I comply with society outwardly only when it is useful; my 'mask'.
I believe that all sociopaths cannot be thrown into a simple category, each sociopath is an individual. I believe there are different levels of sociopathy, and that it can be cultivated and developed to help or hinder both other people in the sociopath's life and the sociopath. The right recipe is excellent, the wrong recipe is a disaster. 
That said, I believe many 'normal' people label every vagrant that displeases or harms them a sociopath. Is sociopathy more common than we thought in the past? Yes. Is it that common? No. 
This gives the average person the impression that every sociopath is a ruthless monster with no good intention or remotely safe and healthy motive whatsoever.
Am I selfish? Yes. I want what I want, and will not deny myself what I want unless it goes against the code I have created for myself.
Am I dishonest? If I feel that I must lie--that it is necessary--then I will. I lie to keep up the mask for my own survival and enjoyment. 
Do I have dark impulses, thoughts and desires? Absolutely. Do I give in to them? Only when it doesn't go against the code I've created.
Do I have the desire to 'destroy' an innocent person just for the fun of it? I love to destroy someone, it is a fun game to play and I love games, but I would never seek to destroy or harm someone unless they were an enemy of mine or someone I did not respect.
Am I addicted to drugs, alcohol or promiscuous sex? I do not respect an addict because I view addiction as weakness, which I detest. I have no addiction.
Am I cold or frigid in bed? I enjoy sex. It is an expression of freedom, where I can enjoy my body and get closer to someone I respect. I am open and responsive in the bedroom. However, I am incredibly picky until I have chosen the one I wish to sleep with, which is the reason I have been in the same relationship for 5 years now. I have chosen.
Do I cheat on my significant other? I have been entirely faithful, from the first day to now. I do not lie to him or steal from him either because I respect him. He knows that I am a sociopath. 
Do I steal? Absolutely not. Unless I was hurting badly for money, I would not steal because if I were caught the reputation I have worked to create and uphold would be obliterated or tarnished.
And I have never harmed an animal, I'm vegetarian in fact. I despise anyone who harms an innocent and defenseless animal. It is the humans that disgust me; animals are driven by instinct.  Man has reason, and still continues in his repugnant ways. 

Not every monster is a sociopath, not every sociopath is a monster.
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