Sunday, December 9, 2012

Trust

I've been meaning to write about trust for a while now, but thought I would just share a short note I once wrote to a loved one about it:
We were talking about trust last night and I was thinking about it after I left and more this morning. I used to be terrible at trust. I didn't even understand it. Growing up there wasn't really anything around to trust, so it didn't even enter my worldview until adulthood. But I eventually learned about trust and now I really rely on it. I have such a flexible personality, and am so easily entreated for good and bad, but I have a very strong desire to always do the right thing. So I try to surround myself with people I trust, and people whose opinions I trust. Because I am so easily influenced, I try to be very discriminating about what influences I surround myself with. I need people I trust, not just to keep their word, but to help me be my best self. I need people whom I trust will have my best interest at heart and whose judgment I trust, because one day I may substitute their judgment for my own -- and that takes a lot of trust. It's like being blind and having someone lead you. It's like knowing you're prone to hallucinations and trusting others to let you know what's real and what's not. It takes a lot for me to trust people, but I trust you. I trust you with my life.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Life hacking

I enjoy reading research from behavioral economists, to learn more about why I and those around me do the things that we do -- what are our natural tendencies, inclinations, etc. I've been casually  following the field for the past decade or so. Initially its findings were sort of met with uproar by some, particularly from those who believe in a stronger form of free will than the evidence would suggest. When confronted with how easy it was to fool the average person or get them to behave with cruelty, there was disbelief and offense. I loved reading about these studies because they confirmed some of my suspicions about human nature and gave me insight into other areas of human behavior that I had not previously considered.

Now I read these studies more as a how-to for "life hacking," improving the quality of my life and making it easier on myself to think and behave the way that I think is optimal given my circumstances. That's why I liked this passage from the introduction of Dan Ariely's latest book, via Brain Pickings:

In addition to exploring the forces that shape dishonesty, one of the main practical benefits of the behavioral economics approach is that it shows us the internal and environmental influences on our behavior. Once we more clearly understand the forces that really drive us, we discover that we are not helpless in the face of our human follies (dishonesty included), that we can restructure our environment, and that by doing so we can achieve better behaviors and outcomes.

I think this is important for everyone, but perhaps particularly the personality disordered. Writing the blog and doing the research that I have done in the area of sociopathy has been largely targeted to do just this -- undertand the internal and environmental influences on my behavior so that I can restructure what I can for better outcomes.

I've learned a lot about myself over the years and I continue to learn about myself. Even on this recent trip, one of my traveling companions accused me of objectifying her -- treating her as just another thing to be managed. I would manage her the same way I would manage transfers between hotels and airports even though she is professedly one of my favorite people. I realized I have defaulted into this mode with everyone for the past couple of months, had gradually slipped into it without realizing. Of course I wish that she hadn't told me through a tearful and sudden outburst while I was in the middle of troubleshooting some technical problem, but still I was glad that she was able to pinpoint what exactly about my behavior was upsetting her. It took a while to remember why and how to admire/love her, but I did so by trying to remember past happy times, smelling her clothes, sitting unnecessarily close to her, etc. Creepy? I think so too, but it worked. The more I learn about myself, the more empowered I feel.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

New experiences

I've been in the bush for the past little bit. While following our guide I thought about what it must be like to experience this same thing over and over again with slight variation. He would try to give us an idea of what was a good and a bad idea to do, where we were likely to see certain things and when we should hurry up because things were going to be even better at a subsequent location. He was quite knowledgeable, but perhaps because we were paying him, he didn't seem to really want to order us around to places. But all I really wanted to do was defer to his expertise because although I knew better my own thoughts and desires, he knew much better than I about the situation I found myself in and so overall it seemed to make the most sense to follow his judgment.

I thought, being in a relationship with a sociopath must be sort of like this. For the non-sociopath, everything is pretty new. For the sociopath, everything is a bit of deja vu. Like my guide, you are having slightly different experiences, but mostly they are variations on a theme. When I am in the beginning of relationships I always feel this way. I try to acclimate them to my way of thinking, that I am not a particularly emotional person, that I often need people to be very explicit about what they want from me, etc. People often balk a little at my descriptions of myself. Surely I am selling myself short, or making myself seem more abnormal than the facts would warrant. I'm not pushy about things. If they don't believe me, I let them find out for myself -- like my guide did on a particularly boring rabbit hole we chased for a while because someone in my group insisted that he knew better.

I'm not saying that guides are infallible or that they can't learn something new on every excursion, or that it's necessarily wise to leave important decisions up to a near stranger (particularly when they aren't aware of your own particular needs and desires). I guess I just thought it was an interesting parallel -- a good explanation for those people who find themselves starting a relationship with a sociopath, particularly when the sociopath seems to be constantly waiting for things to progress to the next anticipated stage while you are left completely baffled by what is happening.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Sociopath quote: self

"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates."

Thomas Szasz

Monday, December 3, 2012

Cameron from Terminator: prototypical sociopath

Apart from Dexter and some less friendly portrayals of psychopathic killers, there aren't too many sociopaths depicted accurately in the media. There are some depictions of empathy-challenged individuals who share a lot in common with sociopaths, though. We have the new Star Trek movie coming soon with a very rational Dr. Spock. We also have the very sociopathic acting Cameron from the television show Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. In the most recent episode, "Complications," John (human) gives Cameron (humanoid/machine) a hard time:
(Cameron is riding with her foot draped out the window)
John: What are you doing?
Cameron: Feeling what it's like to get away from it all.
John: I don't think you are.
Cameron: What do you mean?
John: If by feelings you mean emotions, I'm pretty sure you still don't have any of those. And if by feeling you mean what it feels like to have the wind blow through your toes or your hair, (sighs) I'm pretty sure you can't feel that either.
Cameron: I don't think you understand how we work. I have sensation. I feel. I wouldn't be worth much if I couldn't feel.
Like Bladerunner, the show promises more exploration of what it means to be human via exploring what it means to be a machine.

This episode uses the Bladerunner imagery of flipping an overturned tortoise back on its feet in the desert, a hypothetical that was used in Bladerunner during psychological tests to distinguish humans from replicants who do not possess the same capacity for empathy. In perhaps a bit of overexplanation, Cameron comments on John's mother flipping over a tortoise in the desert:
Cameron: There are many things I don't understand.
John: Like what?
Cameron: The tortoise.
John: What tortoise?
Cameron: It was on its back by the side of the road in Mexico. Your mother turned it over.
John: She was helping it.
Cameron: I know. But why?
John: 'cause that's what we do. When we, uh... When we see something that's, uh, in pain, or in trouble, or whatever, we try and help it.
Cameron: Empathy.
John: Something like that.
Cameron: But not everyone would turn the tortoise over.
John: No. Some would just leave it there.
Cameron: Some would probably drive over it and crush it.
John: Yeah, I guess they would. Is that what you'd do?
Cameron: It didn't seem like much of a threat. We're not built to be cruel.
John: Yeah, that's one for cyborgs.
Cameron: Yes.
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