Sunday, June 10, 2012

Shame and Justification (part 3)

Under the title "The Moral Diet," NY Times op-ed columnist David Brooks reviews Dan Ariely’s new book “The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty” (Ariely is also the author of the recent Conscience+, the app).  Ariely told the story of how the gift shop at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts was the victim of rampant embezzlement, mainly by elderly volunteers manning an unsecured cash drawer.  Interestingly, there wasn't one person who was stealing tons, but many stealing just a little.  The conclusion: "Nearly everybody cheats, but usually only a little."  The reason being that "most of us think we are pretty wonderful. We can cheat a little and still keep that 'good person' identity. Most people won’t cheat so much that it makes it harder to feel good about themselves."  In an experiment, Ariely found that cab drivers were more likely to cheat their standard fare than someone who is blind, because of what David Brooks calls "the good person construct."

Ariely points out that we are driven by morality much more than standard economic models allow. But I was struck by what you might call the Good Person Construct and the moral calculus it implies. For the past several centuries, most Westerners would have identified themselves fundamentally as Depraved Sinners. In this construct, sin is something you fight like a recurring cancer — part of a daily battle against evil.

But these days, people are more likely to believe in their essential goodness. People who live by the Good Person Construct try to balance their virtuous self-image with their selfish desires. They try to manage the moral plusses and minuses and keep their overall record in positive territory. In this construct, moral life is more like dieting: I give myself permission to have a few cookies because I had salads for lunch and dinner. I give myself permission to cheat a little because, when I look at my overall life, I see that I’m still a good person.

The Good Person isn’t shooting for perfection any more than most dieters are following their diet 100 percent. It’s enough to be workably suboptimal, a tolerant, harmless sinner and a generally good guy.

Obviously, though, there’s a measurement problem. You can buy a weight scale to get an objective measure of your diet. But you can’t buy a scale of virtues to put on the bathroom floor. And given our awesome capacities for rationalization and self-deception, most of us are going to measure ourselves leniently: I was honest with that blind passenger because I’m a wonderful person. I cheated the sighted one because she probably has too much money anyway.

I think this is actually an insightful and accurate observation.  I have noticed this a lot recently, more in discussions I see on the blog than in real life, but probably only because the topic of morality comes up a lot more here than it does in real life and people tend to feel the need to take some kind of moral high ground when advocating something horrible like killing all sociopaths (or even just the simple art of accusing anyone of anything), so there is a lot of self-justification going on here.  The weird thing is that many people will unashamedly admit that they're not perfect, but then go on to assert something categorically negative about sociopaths.  I guess the price of admission to the moral high ground is not what it used to be.    


Saturday, June 9, 2012

Shame and justification (part 2)

For the sociopath's part, I don't think we're motivated by feelings of shame or embarrassment, although I hesitate to make a completely categorical statement.

This is not to say that sociopaths do not come up with stories to explain their behavior, sometimes seemingly outrageous stories like "I killed him because he looked at me funny."  They can and they do.  But everyone wants to explain their behavior. It helps give them a sense of purpose, of self-knowledge, and more importantly of control. If you don't know why you do things, then how do you know that it is even you who is choosing to do them?

The sociopath killer who says he killed someone because of a funny look is not attempting to justify his behavior so much as explain it to himself.  And it is an explanation.  Maybe the killing was an impulsive act, but it was prompted by something, in this case the look the victim gave him.  Perhaps a sociopath might take it one or two steps further and add "I don't allow people to disrespect me," or some general opinion about the small value of human life, but the sociopath is just reflecting on the "why" of the action, not the "what does the fact that I have performed this action say about me and my own concept of self?"  So unlike narcissists, sociopaths don't need to justify their behavior, but they'll still seek to explain it.

Another question the narcissist had was how sociopaths view the bad things we do to other people.  He gave this example of how narcissists view this sort of situation:

E.g. take lions that eat wildebeests. The narcissist lion has to convince himself that the wildebeest has it coming to it, or that the lion is doing the wildebeest a favor by eating it. I'm wondering if the sociopath lion has to engage in that sort of self-deception, or if it can just eat the wildebeest and not give a shit.

I don't think sociopaths really blame people so much as attribute their failings back to them. Using the lion example, the lion doesn't think the wildebeest is a bad person "so it had it coming."  For the sociopath, life is a survival of the fittest.  It's enough for the lion that the wildebeest is unable to defend itself. Why did the wildebeest die? In the sociopath's mind the answer is not "because the lion killed it," but "because the wildebeest couldn't run away or defend itself adequately." That's what is really happening when it seems like a sociopath is blaming someone else for the sociopath's own actions. It's more an assigning of responsibility on the victim for not being more vigilant than it is a justification of self according to some rigid construct of being a "good person," like narcissists do

Sociopaths do not view the entire world through the lens of self as much as narcissists do (not surprisingly).  Narcissists tend to think that everything that happens in their world is some sort of direct reflection of them (good person, bad person, whatever).  Sociopaths understand that they are just a cog in a machine.  While they don't completely give up on that idea of cause/effect and personal accountability, sociopaths are much more inclined to believe that what they do is perhaps meaningless.  As arms dealer Viktor Bout said, “If I didn’t do it, someone else would.”

Friday, June 8, 2012

Shame and justification (part 1)

A narcissist reader and I have been discussing the role of shame and justification as a motivator for narcissists and sociopaths.  Here's his perspective on shame (next post mine):

I think it all comes down to shame and putting up appearances.

If I don't feel shame, and if I don't feel the need to put up appearances so that I can feel good about myself, I'm left just trying to do the things that I want to do, for my own reasons.

As soon as I realized how driven by shame and putting up appearances I've been, it hit me that if I stopped doing that, I would have a tremendous amount of time on my hands. And I'd have a lot of flexibility, because there just isn't that much stuff I genuinely want.

However, when pursuing my own interests, I'm liable to act selfishly and immorally. That's just what comes naturally.

One thing: I'm not a good liar. When I've lied well in the past, it required deceiving myself. The less I delude myself, the harder it is to lie.

I think the key is to become comfortable with shame and with perceiving of myself as a "bad" person.  To the extent I can do that, I seem to just act selfishly and without conscience.



Thursday, June 7, 2012

Neurodiversity = handicap

A reader sent me this comment posted on this Jezebel article about autistic people having a difficult time finding a job.  She said that it was a good reminder of the sort of "methodically-necessary thinking involved in trying to get through everyday things that many folks take for granted."  I thought it was a good example of how so many things in our society are geared towards the majority.  People will sometimes complain about special accommodations being made for those outside the norm.  Once I heard a blind person say, "special accommodations, like street lamps at night?"  Hilarious.  The comment is really long and boring, but I think it sort of has to be to make the point it's trying to make:

It is so much more than just social issues. Let me go through a day from when I worked at a retail location.

1) Get dressed for work. 
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The cheap khakis itch all over, the waistband makes your torso hurt, and you are constantly thinking about sweat stains and panty lines. The polo is itchy, full of static electricity, is either too short so your abdomen might become exposed, or too large so you look huge. The shirt lets too much air through and is so thin that it hugs the lines of your bra, making you ever conscious of it. It is YELLOW so you can't even wear a shirt under it because you do not own white shirts because they are usually sold out of your size. You have to wear closed toed shoes which don't work well with your strange walking style, they're too tight and make your feet hot, and you have to wear socks or your feet smell HORRIBLE. Your sense of smell is strong that if any part of you sweats or is unclean, from feet to armpit, you can smell it while standing upright with your arms at your sides, so you slather yourself in deodorant and keep a bottle of body spray in your purse. You have to debate bringing in your purse, which is very much a comfort item, because your boss will have to search it when you leave, and it's internal organization is precarious at best.

2) Drive to work. 
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You have to get in your car which is extremely hot or cold depending on the season. You have to pay attention to everything on the road as you try to remember where your workplace is based on carefully memorized landmarks. Do not speed. Do not run red lights. Do not cut people off. Do not switch lanes when a car is in your blind spot. Ignore the sounds and flashing lights of the other cars. Do not cry when you make a mistake and get honked at. Hope there are no closed roads on the way, because you cannot "make up" a new route on the fly without first going back home.

Leave with enough time to make it to work on time. 
(Should I be early? How early? How bad is it to be late? What is the difference in my watch, my phone, my car clock, and my work place's clocks? Do I have to just be at the building when my shift starts, or is that when I have to be clocked in and at my station?)

Park. Stay between the yellow lines and do not go too fast. Watch out for pedestrians and other cars in the parking lot. 
(Should I park close to the door or far? Do I need to hide my GPS? Can I leave my purse in the car?)

3)Start Work 
--------- 
Put packed lunch in employee room. If you run into a coworker, smile and say hey. Try to notice them so they do not think they are being purposefully ignored. Try not to smile like a frightened chimp. Try to ignore how hot the entire building is. Clock in, then stand at your register. Say hello to coworkers who come by. Do not tell them what your pets did last night. Do not tell them about cool things in nature or otherwise you have seen lately. (No one cares that you saw a bunny at school or that you had to manually install a new fan for your Wii last night.) Try to respond appropriately to their comments. (Do not say "Oh gosh I'm sorry" when they tell you their wife is pregnant.) Keep your vocabulary simple. (Celerity, facetious, and psyche are not as common as you think.)

4) Work 
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Smile like a human at customers. Do not talk through your math at the customers. Do not set money down on the counter before a bank drop. Do not try to warn customers about their purchases. Do not reference obscure British pop culture with the customers. Maintain simple vocabulary to avoid offending the customers. Learn to respond to mispronunciations of your name. Learn to respond to mispronunciations of most words. Learn to cope with improper grammar and speaking patterns. Do not talk to the children. Do not ignore the children. Do ignore the screaming children and their screaming parents. DO NOT say anything about parenting methods. Do not cry when customers yell at you, and do not get upset when they are mistaken but stay mad at you. If customers start conversation, try to respond appropriately. You don't have to go along with jokes you find offensive, but at least humor the bad ones. Do not freak out when customers linger to chat. Do not mention any of your own interests or tastes outside of acceptable mainstream, with customers or co-workers. Do not ask your boss for any schedule accommodations. Learn to yell loud enough to summon a manger when you need one. Do not get upset over what the customers have to purchase for their weekly groceries. Do not offer to pick up remainders if they cannot afford their food.

Do not stim when handed damp or otherwise gross money. Do not stim when a customer's hand accidentally touches yours. Do not attempt passive aggression on rude customers. Notice when a customer is flirting, and politely shut it down. Do not freak out when acquaintances come to the store and want to chat during their transaction. Do not obsess over the sweat under your arms, on your chest, on your feet, around your thighs or behind your knees. Do not obsess over the slight BO smell. Do not obsess over slight dandruff.

Do not gag or obviously rub germ-x on your upper lip when a customer smells bad. Do use Germ-x. Buy multiple good scented varieties and keep two on your person at all times.

Do not get frustrated at slow or quiet speakers. Remember that just because you are not being smiled at, does not mean that the customer hates you. Try to talk like a human.

5) Co-Worker Rules 
--------------- 
Do not talk about pets. Do not talk about fandoms. do not talk about zombie survival plans. Do not talk about grades. Do not talk about TV shows. Do not talk about science. DO NOT TALK ABOUT RELIGION. Refuse to give straight answers on affiliation, political or religious. Pretend to agree with their views using silence. Do not talk about money. Do not talk about children. Do not ask them the questions that pop into your head. Do not offer to share your lunch. Do compliment accessories. Do not be overly friendly with male co-workers, they will assume you are flirting. Never talk about your boss with the co-workers. Do not get upset when co-workers seem not care about helping customers, or about ignorance of food borne illness causes. Do not get frustrated at slow or quiet speakers.

6) Lunch 
------------ 
Bring your own, it is cheaper and better tasting. Bring your own soda, but do not leave more than one in the fridge. Do not worry that your co-workers think that you eat "too healthy" and nag you about eating "normal" food. Do not offer to let them taste your lunch. Try to keep from appearing as if you are "showing off" your intellect. Do exaggerate a southern twang for sympathy. Do not talk about school. Do not talk about grades. NEVER talk about "bad" grades. Do not clock in from lunch early. Do not clock in from lunch late.

7) Clock out 
---------- 
Make sure you know for sure when you are leaving. Do not pester the manager for the official end of your shift. Do count your drawer. Do not clock out late. Do not clock out early. Try to work extra hours if your boss asks. Try not to cry before the end of the shift. Do not hate yourself for being so "weak." Do not leave too quickly in case your boss needs to say something to you. Do not help customers after you have clocked out.

8) Closing Shifts 
-------------- 
Clean what your co-worker tells you. Ignore pain in arms and legs. Do not gag at company cleaning supplies. Do help move heavy outdoor displays inside. Do not get upset when closing takes over an hour.

9) Misc 
------- 
Do not expect a weekend off. Do not expect an afternoon shift right after classes. Do not ask for these things. Your boss will call during class. Do not expect sick days. Do not go to work and thro up. 
Try to stay employed.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Famous sociopaths: Viktor Bout

Legendary arms dealer Viktor Bout may not be famous in the same way that A-list Hollywood actors are famous (although the Nicholas Cage film "Lord of War" is basically based on him).  If anything, Bout is most famous to Interpol or other government organizations.  It's not surprising.  I bet most sociopaths are more likely to be infamous than famous.  Here are the selections from a New Yorker profile on Bout that make me think he is a sociopath:
  • Although he had arrived in the Emirates not knowing much about Arab culture, he had a cosmopolitan ability to adapt to new circumstances. 
  • Bout, who had the brash confidence of the autodidact, didn’t have a source of weapons, but he knew that he could find one. 
  • “Viktor is a fast learner and he is very easy with the contacts,” Mirchev told me. “He could reach the right people at any time.” 
  • Schneidman, who once termed Bout “the personification of evil,” told me that Bout was “directly undermining our efforts to bring peace.” At the same time that Bout was delivering weapons to Savimbi’s forces, Schneidman said, he was also flying arms to the Angolan government. I asked Bout whether Savimbi knew about his mixed allegiance. Of course, Bout said. Didn’t Savimbi mind? “If I didn’t do it, someone else would,” Bout said. 
  • Officials in Washington began to see Bout as the quintessential figure of transnational crime. He was distinguished not by cruelty or ruthlessness but by cunning amorality. “If he wasn’t doing arms and all the vile stuff, he would be a damn good businessman,” Andreas Morgner, a sanctions expert at the Treasury Department, said. 
  • Bout told me, “My job was to bring shipments from Bulgaria to Zaire, and then to Togo. . . . I did it. I understood my limits.” He added, “How, after that, someone else wants to squeeze it? That’s not my business.” In this view, he and Mirchev were not doing anything wrong; they were simply filling gaps in the global economy.
  • “Why should I be afraid?” he said. “In my life, I did not do anything that I should be concerned about.” Bout began leaving a trail of inconsistent statements. He either refused to address difficult matters—“It’s not a question to discuss what we transported”—or lied outright. 
There are plenty of other small indications.  It's a pretty interesting article, particularly reading people's reactions about how Bout would both ship in weapons to revolutionaries and peacekeepers, for instance:
  • Soon after the raid, [U.S.] Department of Defense officials entered the names of the companies under sanctions into their databases. They made a surprising discovery: some of Bout’s companies were now delivering tents and frozen food to troops in Iraq. His planes had flown dozens of times in and out of Baghdad, according to flight records, and Bout was profiting from it. The Pentagon eventually voided the relevant contracts, but, by then, the war in Iraq had helped Viktor Bout get back on his feet.
I guess not everyone fits into nice, neat bad/good boxes.  

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