Sunday, February 19, 2012

What is a sociopath's weakness?

I think the young sociopath's biggest weakness is trusting in the power of logic and reasoning. In this post I talked about how high functioning sociopaths (more than empaths) realize that it is not the content so much as the context of a message or belief that is important. It hardly matters if you are speaking the most precious pieces of wisdom ever uttered, some people will just not care or not listen or will misinterpret what you say. People who realize the importance of context over content can go on to be great leaders. People who do not realize this go on to be great scapegoats -- often much later in history to be labeled martyrs.

Punishment comes to two types of people: those who deserve to be punished, and those who are punished to send a message to everyone else that the ruling party is powerful and should not be toyed with. The first can lead to the second as long as the punishment is well-publicized. The second sometimes coincides with the first, but not always. Sometimes people get stuck on the wrong/losing side of an issue by chance and they end up being made-an-example-of through no fault of their own. Examples could be well-meaning Nazis in pre-World War II Germany, American Confederates in the Civil War, etc. These type of people end up getting castigated not because what they did was "wrong," but as a signal to others that the winning party is strong and will not tolerate disobedience. Everyone should be worried about both scenarios happening to them, but the "innocent" should be especially worried about the latter.

I have always been something of a hothead -- always trying to overthrow little dictators as I encounter them. I loathe incompetence and obsess over efficiency, so I'd typically rather just oust those who offend my tender sensitivities than put up with them to any degree. Of course one need supporters to stage coupes. This is where I've sometimes succeeded, sometimes failed. Sometimes my charisma has been enough to gain a critical mass of followers, or in some cases the popularity of the leader was so low that his enemies quickly became my friends. When the incompetence has been less obvious, however, or the leader was popular, I've consistently failed and have even been vilified for my troubles.

Because of my love of efficiency, I've always wanted to be as direct as possible. I'd think that surely the people would understand if I just present the arguments and let them judge for themselves. But people are stupid and blind and doubt anything that contradicts what they "know" to be true (actually, conveniently, one of the reasons why sociopaths can remain undetected so well). It took me a long time to learn that indirect attacks often were much more effective than direct attacks. To this day, I am still more frightened by an angry mob than anything else. As Galileo learned, there are many victims of the inconvenient truths they espoused. And to the mob -- question the origin of your beliefs, lest you be a puppet to an unknown puppeteer.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Why sociopaths seem more normal than normal

One of the reasons that the average person won't be able to identify a sociopath when she meets one is that sociopaths do a better job of acting normal than even neurotypical people do. Here's an illustration of what I mean: once I had a colleague review a resume I'd drafted using several different typefaces. The colleague, in an effort to make the document appear uniform, insisted that more space be put here, less there. I explained that the spacing was actually uniform, according to the program, and that the lack of uniformity was just the result of an optical illusion. She told me that it doesn't matter if the spacing is technically uniform, it doesn't matter if it is an optical illusion, the whole point of the endeavor is for the spacing to appear uniform, so if it doesn't appear uniform, we're not going to change the human perception of the document, we're just going to change the document.

Uber-empaths always feel like they need to be true to their feelings. If they feel something, it must be right. But sometimes these more emotional empaths have the equivalent of optical illusions -- maybe they are cranky and overly sensitive, maybe they are hormonal, maybe they are taking mood modifying drugs. Reality is different for everyone, but most empaths aren't daily confronted with that fact like sociopaths are. So empaths just go on their merry little way screaming in a coffee shop when their order is incorrect and generally being true to their feelings even if it makes them look like a crazy person.

Sociopaths, on the other hand, realize that emotions are at best shadows of truth and at worst complete fabrications. Sociopaths are not interested in being true to their feelings, but rather constantly projecting an image of normalcy. This ability to detach actual emotions felt with impressions conveyed is why some politicians and celebrities succeed and some don't. Nowadays everyone has an image consultant. The average person knows that. But does the average person realize to what extent the expression of emotions or convictions is being falsified in order to convey what the audience perceives?

Today I had an opportunity to do a little public speaking. By working with the uber-empath's predictable propensity to the emotional equivalent of optical illusions, I was successfully able to convey sincerity much better than if I had actually been feeling it. I think there may be a career in politics for me after all.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Song: Just hold me

A reader sent this to me "A song for the brokenhearted -- asking the right question, but not expecting the surprising answer."




"Just Hold Me"

Comfortable as I am,
I need your reassurance
Comfortable as you are,
You count the days
But if I wanted silence I would whisper
If I wanted loneliness I'd choose to go
If I liked rejection I'd audition
And if I didn't love you, you would know

And why can't you just hold me?
And how come it's so hard?
And do you like to see me broken?
And why do I still care?

You say you see the light now
at the end of this narrow hall
I wish it didn't matter
I wish I didn't give you all

Poor little misunderstood baby
No one likes a sad face
But I can't remember life without him
I think I did have good days
I'm sure I did have good days

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Like father, like daughter (part 3)

My response:


I'm actually amazed that you have intuited so well how best to deal with your daughter.  I always advise parents of sociopathic leaning children to stay extremely consistent, don't get emotional, don't be critical to the extent that they feel like you are rejecting them or will reject who they are, don't punish -- incentivize and make the child see what's in it for them.

I think that sociopaths (particularly young ones) actually feel happier and thrive better in a world of clearly defined boundaries and rules that are so consistently enforced, the child will just start to take them as a given.  I think having simple cause and effect rules/boundaries that have clear and predictable outcomes for acceptance/violation encourages the young sociopath to think of life as an interesting puzzle that can be gamed.  As long as the young sociopath believes that he or she can acquire some advantage through skillful planning and execution (and finds some measure of success, which I feel is almost a given), they will stay committed to the structure of the game you have set up.  It's why sociopaths can be ruthless businessmen fiercely defending the principles of capitalism.

The worst thing that parents can do is to be inconsistent.  It makes the child sociopath think that the game is rigged and it doesn't matter what he or she does, except to the extent that he or she can outcheat the cheater (the parent).  Other big mistakes are being emotional (it's insulting to the child and he or she will lose respect for you).  If you react emotionally and negatively to the child, the child will perceive it as a clear betrayal and one that will instantly dissipate any trust in the relationship.

This is a very important topic you have raised.  Would you allow me to publish this exchange?  I can redact out any information that you believe is too personal.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Like father, like daughter (part 2)

(cont.):

M.E.: I don't think a sociopath will necessarily be a bad parent.  Of course some sociopaths have no interest in children at all.  And some have no interest in careers, or animals, or art, or whatever else, but there is a great deal of variety.  I have little relatives that I love.  I definitely have failings when I am around them.  Sometimes I have the urge to choke them, but have never done it in anger.  If the parent associates with them enough to feel like they are an extension of themselves, there's no reason why a sociopath couldn't be a devoted and excellent parent.

Reader:


Thank you for your insight.

Yes she does.

Her dad and I are meeting with a doctor next week to have her evaluated for ADD. Her dad says children that are medicated at an early age can better withstand the pressure to conform and can learn to regulate their behavior to a socially acceptable level, thus decreasing the need to self-medicate or act out in aggression or violence later. Her dad believes that our society does not recognize and respect that sociopaths are a vital evolutionary adaptation. Because of ignorance, fear, and the need to control, educators begin to ostracize and isolate these children, causing them to internalize a belief that they are flawed, preventing these children from discovering and valuing their uniqueness. Frustration and anger build, exacerbating or even causing behaviors typically associated with ASPD. We of course will only mention that her dad has ADD, not that he is a sociopath or that I have a borderline personality.

My daughter does not routinely exhibit aggression, but frustration. I actually envy her ability not to take on the emotions of others. She does not have a flat affect at all. She is outgoing and charming, but will turn it off if the desired response is not achieved. She lives in the moment and gages value by her satisfaction level. I got called from her Summer camp because a child accused my daughter of hitting her while in the bathroom and bruising her ribs. When asked what happened she, with her ribboned pigtails,freckles, and stoic stare said in a low voice, " I have no idea what you are talking about." It was a little chilling because I could tell she was guilty. So I insisted that the staff should monitor the bathrooms. They agreed. Problem solved.

She does have friends, though she speaks of them as if she owns them, and will discard them if they displease her.She enjoys life. She likes music and art and playing with her brother, if he follows her rules. She loves to cook. She is very task motivated when interested. She does not like rules, but if I am clear that she can do A if she does B, or we do not hit because someone might hit back, then she will listen, if I remain calm and am not critical.

I feel like many of her statements to me are insincere or what she thinks she is supposed to say to get her way or to control my reactions to her. I want her to trust that I am on her side and she does not have to pretend. I don't want to change her, only give her a chance to see she is perfect the way she is and she can accomplish her dreams and simply ignore anyone who cannot appreciate her. She has a natural confidence that I do not want destroyed. I don't want her to have to fight for a satisfying life the way her dad and I have done. I really need to get educated.

P.S. Sociopaths are lifesavers in emergencies. My ex and I witnessed a minivan overturn in an intersection. I instantly started shaking and crying envisioning someone suffering in pain or a child scared. I screamed to stop because we had to help. He said, "Damn! Stay in the car!" The van was surrounded by a crowd, looking at each other.

My ex walked up, calmly told the driver to turn off the engine and unlock the doors. He then opened the rear door, assessed injuries, helped 2 people out of the van, then walked back to our car. He was as calm as before it happened.  I was impressed...



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