Thursday, February 16, 2012

Like father, like daughter (part 3)

My response:


I'm actually amazed that you have intuited so well how best to deal with your daughter.  I always advise parents of sociopathic leaning children to stay extremely consistent, don't get emotional, don't be critical to the extent that they feel like you are rejecting them or will reject who they are, don't punish -- incentivize and make the child see what's in it for them.

I think that sociopaths (particularly young ones) actually feel happier and thrive better in a world of clearly defined boundaries and rules that are so consistently enforced, the child will just start to take them as a given.  I think having simple cause and effect rules/boundaries that have clear and predictable outcomes for acceptance/violation encourages the young sociopath to think of life as an interesting puzzle that can be gamed.  As long as the young sociopath believes that he or she can acquire some advantage through skillful planning and execution (and finds some measure of success, which I feel is almost a given), they will stay committed to the structure of the game you have set up.  It's why sociopaths can be ruthless businessmen fiercely defending the principles of capitalism.

The worst thing that parents can do is to be inconsistent.  It makes the child sociopath think that the game is rigged and it doesn't matter what he or she does, except to the extent that he or she can outcheat the cheater (the parent).  Other big mistakes are being emotional (it's insulting to the child and he or she will lose respect for you).  If you react emotionally and negatively to the child, the child will perceive it as a clear betrayal and one that will instantly dissipate any trust in the relationship.

This is a very important topic you have raised.  Would you allow me to publish this exchange?  I can redact out any information that you believe is too personal.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Like father, like daughter (part 2)

(cont.):

M.E.: I don't think a sociopath will necessarily be a bad parent.  Of course some sociopaths have no interest in children at all.  And some have no interest in careers, or animals, or art, or whatever else, but there is a great deal of variety.  I have little relatives that I love.  I definitely have failings when I am around them.  Sometimes I have the urge to choke them, but have never done it in anger.  If the parent associates with them enough to feel like they are an extension of themselves, there's no reason why a sociopath couldn't be a devoted and excellent parent.

Reader:


Thank you for your insight.

Yes she does.

Her dad and I are meeting with a doctor next week to have her evaluated for ADD. Her dad says children that are medicated at an early age can better withstand the pressure to conform and can learn to regulate their behavior to a socially acceptable level, thus decreasing the need to self-medicate or act out in aggression or violence later. Her dad believes that our society does not recognize and respect that sociopaths are a vital evolutionary adaptation. Because of ignorance, fear, and the need to control, educators begin to ostracize and isolate these children, causing them to internalize a belief that they are flawed, preventing these children from discovering and valuing their uniqueness. Frustration and anger build, exacerbating or even causing behaviors typically associated with ASPD. We of course will only mention that her dad has ADD, not that he is a sociopath or that I have a borderline personality.

My daughter does not routinely exhibit aggression, but frustration. I actually envy her ability not to take on the emotions of others. She does not have a flat affect at all. She is outgoing and charming, but will turn it off if the desired response is not achieved. She lives in the moment and gages value by her satisfaction level. I got called from her Summer camp because a child accused my daughter of hitting her while in the bathroom and bruising her ribs. When asked what happened she, with her ribboned pigtails,freckles, and stoic stare said in a low voice, " I have no idea what you are talking about." It was a little chilling because I could tell she was guilty. So I insisted that the staff should monitor the bathrooms. They agreed. Problem solved.

She does have friends, though she speaks of them as if she owns them, and will discard them if they displease her.She enjoys life. She likes music and art and playing with her brother, if he follows her rules. She loves to cook. She is very task motivated when interested. She does not like rules, but if I am clear that she can do A if she does B, or we do not hit because someone might hit back, then she will listen, if I remain calm and am not critical.

I feel like many of her statements to me are insincere or what she thinks she is supposed to say to get her way or to control my reactions to her. I want her to trust that I am on her side and she does not have to pretend. I don't want to change her, only give her a chance to see she is perfect the way she is and she can accomplish her dreams and simply ignore anyone who cannot appreciate her. She has a natural confidence that I do not want destroyed. I don't want her to have to fight for a satisfying life the way her dad and I have done. I really need to get educated.

P.S. Sociopaths are lifesavers in emergencies. My ex and I witnessed a minivan overturn in an intersection. I instantly started shaking and crying envisioning someone suffering in pain or a child scared. I screamed to stop because we had to help. He said, "Damn! Stay in the car!" The van was surrounded by a crowd, looking at each other.

My ex walked up, calmly told the driver to turn off the engine and unlock the doors. He then opened the rear door, assessed injuries, helped 2 people out of the van, then walked back to our car. He was as calm as before it happened.  I was impressed...



Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Like father, like daughter (part 1)

From a reader:


I emailed a couple years ago when I was still playing the victim and trying to change my husband. I still struggle with both, but less often. We were married almost a decade and recently divorced. I will email later in detail about my ongoing process of acceptance and a determination to be a good parent. I believe my empathy for my ex and honesty about who I am is vital, if we are to be good parents. I will not allow my anger to endanger what is important to both of us. My faults were many and destructive. I would not surrender. He does not pretend to think like many other people. He went from a life of addiction and behaviors that harmed others to now, with many years clean and sober and a PhD in counseling. He acknowledges being a sociopath and for many years was on disability for that reason, until he got through grad school. Trust me, I was the perfect toy, a whole lotta fun... until he was no longer having fun. The perfect match. It took me years to catch on. I have recently been diagnosed as Borderline at middle age. He taught me about me, though the outcome was not what he expected. I will not tell him he helped me of course. He still gets angry and threatens my life and then denies it, but today I know I am not, as he used to say, "psychotic, delusional, and hearing things." I just hang up and do not engage. Next phone call is civil of course. He really was good. I also exhibit many of his traits, though I feel guilt and remorse. I really tried.

I have had people say he will abuse our children. I do not agree. I have seen fear in him one time, when our daughter was born and was not breathing. I knew to be scared because he never showed fear before or since. He cried twice, both times about the kids and their safety.

Our children adore their daddy. They are with him 3 weekends a month and every time he gets time off work and holidays. Unless you can convince me otherwise, I believe he loves them fiercely. He has a great fear of their being mistreated at school. He was subjected to harsh punishment in elementary school. All he wanted to know was what he had done wrong. Our 5 yr old son seems to be an empath.  Our daughter is 7. Wow! Her dad and I can talk constructively about how to teach her. If she knows what is in it for her, she will adjust her own behavior. She is fearless and passionate and I love that about her. As long as I keep my word to her, she feels safe and trusts me. I do not believe that it is impossible for a sociopath to be a good loving parent. Will you tell what you know?

Monday, February 13, 2012

Sociopath quotes: denounce

Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult than to understand him.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Relationships

I am currently in the longest serious relationship that I have been in for approximately the past decade.  I used to not be good at any long term relationship.  Even family relationships would have blow ups and times of estrangement.  I got sick of the drama so I started learning little ways to keep the ship righted.  Now I resolve small issues before they become big issues and I ensure that I am always a net positive in their life.  I basically just channeled my efficiency obsessed self into it, and I am quite good at it now.

The things I have been thinking about recently is what is the proper role of manipulation in a relationship?  I have always said that everyone wants to be seduced (trademark pending?  I feel like that should be the sequel to "Everyone Poops").  With this current relationship, I performed the seduction perfectly.  To use a baseball analogy, it's been my no-hitter.  It was not easy and it was not always clear that it would turn out so well.  (I almost think that it was because I felt no expectations about the relationship being anything but a fun distraction.  I felt no performance pressure, so I performed nearly perfectly.)  I'd tell you about it, but like a baseball no-hitter, the story of a perfect seduction is actually sort of boring.

My question is, now that I have a relationship that seems like it could last and I am interested in exploring that option, do I keep seducing?  Or actually get real?  Well, that's sort of not the question anymore because I have already gotten at least a more real as the relationship has progressed.  I guess it's more like, stay real?  Or step back in and "fix," seduce, or manipulate when the situation warrants it?  Or I guess that's not really the question either, because framed that way the answer would of course be step back in.  I think the question is more like, when would the situation warrant it?  Should it be a most of the time thing?  Or only part of the time?

Things I think:

  • If people could be manipulated/seduced into being happy without knowing that is the source fo their happiness, they would typically choose that (ignorance is bliss, blue pill over the red pill, or everyone wants to be seduced).
  • Some people would feel betrayed if they ever did find out that they were being "managed."
  • People find things out eventually, or things have a way of being found out.
  • Small fixes sometimes just mask bigger problems that don't have such easy "fixes".  
  • I tend to respect people less in proportion to the amount that I manipulate them.  
  • Manipulation is turning down an opportunity to try to find a real mutual understanding on an issue.
  • Mutual understanding usually means the other person is getting better at pleasing me, i.e. reciprocating the seduction/maintenance.  
Other than that, I really don't know what to think.  And yes I realize how funny it is for me to be asking you for relationship advice for a change.  


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