Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Like father, like daughter (part 1)

From a reader:


I emailed a couple years ago when I was still playing the victim and trying to change my husband. I still struggle with both, but less often. We were married almost a decade and recently divorced. I will email later in detail about my ongoing process of acceptance and a determination to be a good parent. I believe my empathy for my ex and honesty about who I am is vital, if we are to be good parents. I will not allow my anger to endanger what is important to both of us. My faults were many and destructive. I would not surrender. He does not pretend to think like many other people. He went from a life of addiction and behaviors that harmed others to now, with many years clean and sober and a PhD in counseling. He acknowledges being a sociopath and for many years was on disability for that reason, until he got through grad school. Trust me, I was the perfect toy, a whole lotta fun... until he was no longer having fun. The perfect match. It took me years to catch on. I have recently been diagnosed as Borderline at middle age. He taught me about me, though the outcome was not what he expected. I will not tell him he helped me of course. He still gets angry and threatens my life and then denies it, but today I know I am not, as he used to say, "psychotic, delusional, and hearing things." I just hang up and do not engage. Next phone call is civil of course. He really was good. I also exhibit many of his traits, though I feel guilt and remorse. I really tried.

I have had people say he will abuse our children. I do not agree. I have seen fear in him one time, when our daughter was born and was not breathing. I knew to be scared because he never showed fear before or since. He cried twice, both times about the kids and their safety.

Our children adore their daddy. They are with him 3 weekends a month and every time he gets time off work and holidays. Unless you can convince me otherwise, I believe he loves them fiercely. He has a great fear of their being mistreated at school. He was subjected to harsh punishment in elementary school. All he wanted to know was what he had done wrong. Our 5 yr old son seems to be an empath.  Our daughter is 7. Wow! Her dad and I can talk constructively about how to teach her. If she knows what is in it for her, she will adjust her own behavior. She is fearless and passionate and I love that about her. As long as I keep my word to her, she feels safe and trusts me. I do not believe that it is impossible for a sociopath to be a good loving parent. Will you tell what you know?

Monday, February 13, 2012

Sociopath quotes: denounce

Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult than to understand him.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Relationships

I am currently in the longest serious relationship that I have been in for approximately the past decade.  I used to not be good at any long term relationship.  Even family relationships would have blow ups and times of estrangement.  I got sick of the drama so I started learning little ways to keep the ship righted.  Now I resolve small issues before they become big issues and I ensure that I am always a net positive in their life.  I basically just channeled my efficiency obsessed self into it, and I am quite good at it now.

The things I have been thinking about recently is what is the proper role of manipulation in a relationship?  I have always said that everyone wants to be seduced (trademark pending?  I feel like that should be the sequel to "Everyone Poops").  With this current relationship, I performed the seduction perfectly.  To use a baseball analogy, it's been my no-hitter.  It was not easy and it was not always clear that it would turn out so well.  (I almost think that it was because I felt no expectations about the relationship being anything but a fun distraction.  I felt no performance pressure, so I performed nearly perfectly.)  I'd tell you about it, but like a baseball no-hitter, the story of a perfect seduction is actually sort of boring.

My question is, now that I have a relationship that seems like it could last and I am interested in exploring that option, do I keep seducing?  Or actually get real?  Well, that's sort of not the question anymore because I have already gotten at least a more real as the relationship has progressed.  I guess it's more like, stay real?  Or step back in and "fix," seduce, or manipulate when the situation warrants it?  Or I guess that's not really the question either, because framed that way the answer would of course be step back in.  I think the question is more like, when would the situation warrant it?  Should it be a most of the time thing?  Or only part of the time?

Things I think:

  • If people could be manipulated/seduced into being happy without knowing that is the source fo their happiness, they would typically choose that (ignorance is bliss, blue pill over the red pill, or everyone wants to be seduced).
  • Some people would feel betrayed if they ever did find out that they were being "managed."
  • People find things out eventually, or things have a way of being found out.
  • Small fixes sometimes just mask bigger problems that don't have such easy "fixes".  
  • I tend to respect people less in proportion to the amount that I manipulate them.  
  • Manipulation is turning down an opportunity to try to find a real mutual understanding on an issue.
  • Mutual understanding usually means the other person is getting better at pleasing me, i.e. reciprocating the seduction/maintenance.  
Other than that, I really don't know what to think.  And yes I realize how funny it is for me to be asking you for relationship advice for a change.  


Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Mystery of Marie Jocelyne

I've been asked to feature a new documentary about a con woman, "The Mystery of Marie Jocelyne," reviewed at this Wall Street Journal blog.



The official blurb:

Since 2007, filmmakers Martha Shane and Dan Nuxoll have been chasing the enigmatic Marie Castaldo, convicted criminal, alleged con-artist, likely sociopath, and proprietor of scandal-plagued film festivals. Their suspense-filled documentary The Mystery of Marie Jocelyne will take the audience on a voyage of discovery from Africa to Paris to L.A. to Queens to Riker’s Island, and finally to the small apartment in London where they finally met Marie face to face. They are currently raising funds to complete production via the crowd-funding website Kickstarter. Check out their video, and help solve the mystery of Marie! 

Friday, February 10, 2012

Modernity

From a reader:


  • Ruled by objectivity and rational thought rather than subjective emotion
  • Foundations are ever-shifting, ultimately only an illusion
  • Values order and logic, though the former is unattainable and the latter inconsistent
  • Understands the world only through its own experience
  • Believes that meaning is a human construct
  • May have a reflexive awareness of difference between itself and others, and thinks that it is better
  • Not only the natural world, but also people are objects to be studied and manipulated
  • Values the individual, the self, above all else

(Archaeology and Modernity, Julian Thomas, 2004, Routledge, p. 2-3

Sound familiar?

I’ve recently been considering the possible relationship between sociopathic personalities and the key components of Modernity/the modern mode of thought. It may be possible that we all are just children of our time. Any thoughts?
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