Saturday, December 10, 2011

Guest song: MakeDamnSure

"You are everything I want, cause you are everything I'm not"
"We lie together, just not too close"
"I just want to break you down so badly, in the worst way"
"I'm gonna make damn sure you never leave; no you won't ever get too far from me"

This sorta is how I feel about women I've been in love with; I don't want to get too close to them, because I want to 'break them down so badly' Ya know? It's that feeling of control that I love.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Nothing

I rarely wake up to an alarm. Consequently, my dreams become increasingly more lucid as I become more conscious. I've noticed that when I'm busy and not sleeping as much as my body wants, my subconscious in these last minutes of sleep will incorporate problem solving into my dreams. It's as if it knows that I want to get up and working on things, so it tries to trick me into sleeping more by giving me the illusion of "solving" things in my dreams. It works. I have honestly thought to myself, no need to get up quite yet because I am getting so much done already.

Sometimes the dreams could be classified as anxiety dreams. One time I dreamed that I was trying to escape from a hospital in which they were performing tests on me. A lot of the time, though, they are innocuous--I am performing research or coming up with theories or solutions for my work. Sometimes I am just managing my day filled with errands, trying to deal with them in the most efficient manner possible.

The problems, like all dream problems, are unending. It can feel rewarding to engage in these little games my subconscious sets up for me, but there is never a complete resolution. Just as I feel that I am getting close to success, some new snafu develops. Again, it's as if my subconscious realizes that if I resolve something completely, the natural consequence would be for me to just wake up. When I do finally wake up, I am relieved that all those problems and snafus have magically disappeared, as if they never existed, because of course they never did.

I've mentioned before that I have a death wish. Some people wondered what I meant. I don't mean it in a brooding, morose way. I don't daily yearn for death to end the torment of my life. My life isn't tormented. I don't really yearn for anything. That's sort of the problem. Sometimes I feel like my life is like these pseudo lucid dreams I have in the morning in which I go from one project or scheme to another--one seduction becomes the next, one career move becomes the next, one plan to "ruin" someone becomes the next. Everything is enjoyable, in fact my day-to-day activities are all either very self-indulgent and pleasurable or richly rewarding. By design, there is very little tedium in my life--except for life itself. My wish for death then is more a wish that this existence was something that I could wake up from. (I know, right? Total Inception rip off.)

I have a vague sensation of a nothingness about life. I don't think it's accurate to call it emptiness. Empty suggests that there is some vacancy, some volume that is left unfilled. I have used the word abyss before, but that is similarly inaccurate. It's not quite boredom, as it is lack of meaning or real fulfillment. Sometimes I think it is a symptom of what I am, but I've read enough literature to think that it is actually a quite common sensation. It's probably why so many people answer the question, "What's wrong?" with "Nothing."

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Chicken and egg

More research on the difference between sociopath, this time it's a lower number of connections from the prefontal cortex and amygdala. From Scientific American:

The study’s most important finding centered on impairments in the link between the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (a control node for regulating emotion, threats, decision-making and social behavior) and the amygdala, a locus of emotional processing. . . . In theory, the faulty interaction between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex could fail to provide the proper negative emotional cue that robbing a bank or a ripping off a friend is just not kosher. Further tests are needed to confirm the implications of this breakdown in communication in the brain’s internal social network.

This finding, though, could also extend work by Newman that indicates that psychopathy may result from what he calls an “attention bottleneck.” Psychopaths may focus fixedly on one goal and ignore all other social cues, perhaps even signals sent over the prefrontal-to-amygdala pathway.
Good friend Hare warns:

Hare cautions that identifying what’s different in the brains of psychopaths isn’t the same thing as figuring out the cause of psychopathy. The weakened connections seen in the Wisconsin study could be a by-product of some other environmental or genetic factor commonly found among psychopaths.

“We have a chicken and an egg, in a sense,” he says. “There’s a tendency, certainly among people in the criminal justice system, to take any of these deficits and say, ‘Wow, we have a psychopath who has all these behavioral problems, and now we have this brain anomaly or dysfunction that seems to match, therefore one caused the other.’”

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Sara smile

From a reader:
My name is Sara. I have been weird and not so normal all my life. When I was little my dad was physically abusive if we did the wrong things but I quickly adapted to this so while my siblings got beaten I was spared because I always knew what to say or do. I learned at a young age that no one else but me could give me the answers that I needed or help me if I needed something. Me and only me was my way of life.

I used to manipulate my siblings into being my slaves and do chores for me. I'd lie a lot but as soon as I discovered that you lose credibility and future opportunities to manipulate I stopped.

I tortured cats, chicks, and dogs. I once left a cat insides box for a week feeding it only sporadically because the stupid cat wouldn't stay put and I hate when small little things don't do as I say.

I am now 24 yrs old and very manipulative. Ex. I use sex or sexual attraction to play with men.. They don't have feelings anyway. I once cheated on my fiancé by sleeping with a stranger at 8pm, then sleeping with a state trooper at 10pm then going home and kissing my fiancé good night as if nothing ever happened.

I'm doing the same thing again.. I tell my husband "I will never hurt you" and in my mind I'm making plans to meet with this other man.

I've thought about doing bad things and the only thing that stops me is jail. Honestly who wants to be trapped? Just do what you can get away with...after all being an innocent cute girl works better on people.

I have a BA in psychology and I fucking love my Job at a psychiatric hospital. I can finally feel at home.

Thoughts?? Would you post this? Oh and I somehow enjoy it when people talk about me.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Senseless violence

Usually I don't share things like this, but I am in love with the senseless violence. And the staring.



One thing I noticed recently is that when I get stressed or annoyed, it actually helps to imagine small acts of violence, like sneaking up behind people and slitting their throat. I know everyone else must do this as well. Isn't that odd? That we can find violence so comforting? I wonder what in our evolutionary development prompted that little quirk.
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