Saturday, October 29, 2011

Narcissists = unpredictable

I thought this comment from UKan from a while ago was interesting, worth its own post:
I get in constant conflicts with narcisssists in real life. Around when I first came here I asked as a anonymous about a situation I had with someone and what kind of person they were. It was some guy who was pathologically lying to make himself look like some rockstar. This type of person is what my father is, and what almost every enemy I have ever had is. At the time I was ignorant of psychological terms. I knew the outline like I know many others, but I call them something else.

I don't like narcissists because they are costly in my business. They refuse to quit, because it's not about business for them. It's all about how they look and what their appearance is. They lie not to get out of trouble, con someone, or play games with people. They pathologically lie about who they are so that they add color to their drab life. So that they add worth to their pointless existence. Like my business partner with his fake rolex watch, or his car that 'looks like a bmw'. Or this guy who sat down next to me on my couch at the club and started giving me lip about how much of a big shot he was not knowing who I was. I can name them all day long. I despise their weakness. It disgusts me because even though nobody else can see it, I can. I can see the weakness and self loathing in every action they do. They constantly need validation and that's the main give away. They also for some reason always envy me while at the same time trying to be me which is even more ridiculous because to everyone else they spew nothing but hatred for me.
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As far as victims are concerned, well they are easy. I'm drawn to them like a bee to honey. I'm always looking for a weakness. If that's all you display then the rest is a fucking cake walk.
One thing I hated about growing up with a narcissistic father is that he was very hard to predict because he didn't always act rationally (i.e., in his own best interest). Empaths can be this way too, if they get very emotional about things.

But I guess sociopaths would also seem unpredictable to a lot of people too. Maybe it's just because I'm used to my own mind that I find myself to be relatively straightforward. Plus, I like to think that I can be reasoned with, almost without exception. I have no problems setting hard feelings aside, for instance by allying with a former enemy, if I find it beneficial to do so in a particular situation. Or maybe I choose to destroy them completely in their hour of need because I'm tired of dealing with them? Either way, I like to think that most of my decisions are based on catering to my own self-interest, with a sprinkling of impulsive acts aimed at violence, swift retribution, or some other compulsion.

I don't know. I guess I don't think sociopaths are much better about this, but at least we seem more consistent than those ruled by their emotions.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Not for the feint of heart

Recently I've been itching for a fight. I've been so focused on a project for work, really overcommitted, and just generally not scheduling in enough M.E. time for "special interests". As if on cue, a long term work entanglement seemed to be coming to a head.

I had not been seeing eye to eye with this person (CW) for a while (CW is neither directly over or under me, not even directly affiliated with my employer, but we worked on a project together). CW had been a consistent source of both fun and frustration over the period that we were working together. I ended up terminating the working arrangement, though, due to some irreconcilable differences and my desire to finally move the project forward. By now CW most certainly hates my guts and thinks I am evil. She is actually very perceptive about a lot of things about me that most people are blind to, but interpreted the signals in a paranoid/unrealistic way (conspiracy theories) instead of the normal/banal truth (two-faced and manipulative). Despite being let go from the project, this person still had some materials that I needed to finish up.

Back to now, this person had finally agreed to schedule a meeting with me to discuss the impasse. I did my homework before the meeting. I talked to someone else who was on the project and got her on my side (basically by making her afraid of this person, suggesting that this person is erratic, owned a gun, delusional, etc.).

CW came for our schedule meeting and sat down. We exchanged greetings and I waited for her to begin. When she didn't, I said something with slightly condescending overtones that I knew would set her off (she hates that I think I am better than she is). I wanted her to attack me, and she did. Put on the spot like she was, she started spouting out reasons why I was a terrible person and she would never give me the project materials. I started taking notes, which further infuriated her. CW's accusations boiled down to me being completely unethical, would abuse the project materials for my own nefarious (not really) ends, under-compensated her, and was attempting to pass off her work as my own. She left in a huff, saying something about expecting to have a formal complaint filed.

I couldn't have been happier! Armed as I was with these accusations, I shot off an email to my superior, something to the extent of, "I didn't want to have to bother you with this, but I have just received some very serious accusations of which I thought you should be aware." I gave her a quick, straight rundown of the facts leading up to that day. I then painted the accusations in the worst light I could. Finally, I took umbrage--the righteous anger of the innocent and put upon: "I have put up with her atrocious behavior before due to her exigent personal circumstances, but I refuse to be responsible for somehow trying to excuse this completely unwarranted and personally offensive affront on my character." So now of course I am the victim of these outrageous accusations. In fencing, we call that a "feint," one of the most effective moves when timed correctly, and I couldn't have timed it better. I slow played the hell out of that issue, giving in here, fighting back there, until finally the time was exactly right, she lunged in for what she thought would hurt me most, leaving herself completely unguarded.

For various reasons (including potential legal liability for the organization if I was found to have misbehaved), my superior will support me. The accusations are so ridiculous and unfounded that no one would take them seriously. Furthermore, in insisting that these accusations be resolved, I will accomplish my real goal which is to get those project materials back. Almost a year of having to deal with this person and finally my patience will pay off, with the added consequence of seeing her professional life effectively destroyed as she continues to try to sling mud at me and ends up being the only one tarnished.

In my defense (and in case any of the interested parties read this now or later), I am actually innocent of wrongdoing in this situation, but I also know that true guilt and innocence don't matter as much as playing your cards well.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Seeing is (not) believing

A reader discusses how she didn't really believe that her friend was a sociopath:
Obviously at that time I had no idea about those boundaries and actually at the time I didn't even take seriously about J being diagnosed as ASPD. So I really had no idea who I was dealing with. I thought falsely that time, since I didn't know much about sociopathy, that it was just an excuse for people acting like dicks and to murder people. I thought that they had weak impulse control because they weren't strong enough to control themselves and other people enabled them too much. Even when she tried to explain to me seriously I just kinda blew it off in disbelief.

Even in reading sociopathworld I felt disbelief mostly because I saw the comments and I thought a lot of those people were idiots and also narcissists and were not really sociopaths. Now months after the fact I know better that sociopathy is very real and most likely has to do with genetics and of course, environment. I still though believe a lot of the comments are from people that are confused about their identity or are narcissists.

I don't know if you have ever revealed to any of your friends that you were diagnosed with ASPD or if they even know that you own sociopathworld, but if you ever did reveal your diagnosis what was their response? If the sociopath was very talented at wearing their masks I think most people would react just like me in disbelief and blow it off.

Also on the topic of masks, do you ever get weary of wearing all these various masks? And out of all the masks which one do you prefer to wear the most?

I think the mask J wears the most is the one where she is the cute and charming flirt. This mask comes with a sweet mouth full of compliments that she dispenses freely. She is easy to talk to and a bit of a tease, smiles easily and laughs even when she is secretly annoyed on the inside. The combination of her coming off as already cute and pretty with an amiable personality makes a deadly combination and lets her catch her prey so effortlessly. Men and women alike fall under her spell so easily and lulled into a sense of security not even realizing that they might possibly be taken advantage of. It's fascinating like watching a siren playing with her hair and singing while leading men to their impending doom. Even for you, I can almost see your blog as like an army or cult and you are the head priest.

Oh, one last thing do you ever feel like you can't trust charming people the most? Before I met J I was already suspicious of people who were charming. It confuses me how easily people can be befuddled or lose any kind of rationality once they meet someone who is BSing hard to their face and acting friendly. To me those are always the ones to look out for cause they want something from you.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Anarchy

This is a hilarious description from Slate of how a drum circle threatens to derail the whole Occupy Wall Street movement, specifically one or two crazy people that I would like to think are sociopaths messing with the hippies. Apparently no one can stand the constant noise of the drum circle and so leaders of the movement have been trying to consult with "leaders" of the drum circle to get them to limit the amount of time that they play:
Unfortunately there is one individual who is NOT a drummer but who claims to speak for the drummers who has been a deeply disruptive force, attacking the drumming rep during the GA and derailing his proposal, and disrupting the community board meeting, as well as the OWS community relations meeting. She has also created strife and divisions within the POC caucus, calling many members who are not 'on her side' "Uncle Tom", "the 1%", "Barbie" "not Palestinian enough" "Wall Street politicians" "not black enough" "sell-outs", etc. People have been documenting her disruptions, and her campaign of misinformation, and instigations. She also has a documented history online of defamatory, divisive and disruptive behavior within the LGBT (esp. transgender) communities. Her disruptions have made it hard to have constructive conversations and productive resolutions to conflicts in a variety of forums in the past several days.
Sound like anyone we know? But it does warn of what happens with a group of leaderless protester/followers with any defined concrete commonality:
Friends, mediation with the drummers has been called off. It has gone on for more than 2 weeks and it has reached a dead end. … We need to take this seriously, and be clear that if we can’t deal with conflict and self-organizing then we are facing eviction very soon (this week), and the allies that helped turn out mass numbers at the last one will not be around this time, nor will the press be supportive.
Is it true that sociopathy thrives in anarchy?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

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