Sunday, September 11, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Saying sorry
"Sorry means you'll never do it again." That's what I always used to hear as a child in reply to my rote recitations of the words "I'm sorry."
I grew up with a narcissistic father. He could be such a hard ass sometimes, but he could weep uncontrollably at the most ridiculous things. I learned not to trust signs of emotion from him; they were just farcical manipulations trying to fit whatever image he was trying to project, not sincere responses to normal stimuli. He was so erratically hot and cold about everything. I hated how unpredictable that made my life. And he always kept score, even for some of the bad stuff about himself. I think he actually spent his whole life resentfully trying to put more hashmarks under the "good" column than the "bad," just so he wouldn't have to hate himself. I say all of these unrelated things just as context for this next point:
I grew up with a narcissistic father. He could be such a hard ass sometimes, but he could weep uncontrollably at the most ridiculous things. I learned not to trust signs of emotion from him; they were just farcical manipulations trying to fit whatever image he was trying to project, not sincere responses to normal stimuli. He was so erratically hot and cold about everything. I hated how unpredictable that made my life. And he always kept score, even for some of the bad stuff about himself. I think he actually spent his whole life resentfully trying to put more hashmarks under the "good" column than the "bad," just so he wouldn't have to hate himself. I say all of these unrelated things just as context for this next point:
Whenever I wanted to enact justice, he was always opposed. The situation could have nothing to do with him. I could be having a dispute with a friend or even an enemy and if I did the slightest bit of retaliation, he would disapprove or actively fight me on it. I was never molested by priests or anything, but I have had enough things happen to me or my siblings that screamed for justice to know that if I was, he would have said something like, "Just let it be." He had the most ridiculous reactions, and it wasn't any religious turn the other cheek thing either.
You see, whenever he saw a perpetrator, he always identified with him. Every time I was out for blood, he thought about himself. He was afraid. He was afraid that someday someone would come after him for something he had done, just like I was going after other people. In his world he wanted actions to not mean anything. He wanted to think he was above any consequences, above any causal relationship between his actions and the results of those actions. I don't know if he actually believed that he was above them or maybe he just had to think that way in order to live with himself, but the gist of it was that he wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted and still think whatever he wanted about himself. I hated him for that. I interpreted it as more of his up is down, down is up delusional propaganda, a way to slip out of blame for anything. And he hated me for wanting the world to be one predictable flow of cause and effect.
Anyway, now I'm fine if that's how people want to live their lives, and I know that people who are like that are deaf to any attempts to reason with them, but I still get the most pleasurable sensation of schadenfreude when I see them getting exactly what's coming to them.
Anyway, now I'm fine if that's how people want to live their lives, and I know that people who are like that are deaf to any attempts to reason with them, but I still get the most pleasurable sensation of schadenfreude when I see them getting exactly what's coming to them.
Sociopath quote: adaptation
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”
Misattributed to Charles Darwin
Misattributed to Charles Darwin
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
High on Life
I was watching an interview with Deepak Chopra and some other scientists and he mentioned bio-regulation of autonomic functions through heightened awareness. I was intrigued because I felt like I had personal experiences that confirmed what he was saying, thinking myself to more dopamine. I found this interview that references such a possibility:
I do think technology is a huge advantage, taking us into an exploration of the hidden dimensions of our own existence. And that includes consciousness, that includes the subtle levels of awareness, that includes the autonomic functions.My bet is that if bioregulation of autonomic functions is possible, sociopaths would excel at this because of their ability to compartmentalize and hyperfocus. Thoughts?
I see that in about five or 10 years, if we are successful, you could go to a doctor and say, “You know, I have migraine headaches” or even a narrowing of the coronary arteries, and the doctor will say, “Well, I can give you a prescription or you can play a video game. How's that?” And I think it will happen. You know the biofeedback responds to the autonomic nervous system, it responds to what is called the RR variability in your heart, it measures skin resistance, and soon brain waves. I know one of the things that is very likely in the future is that you could take drug addicts and train them through this technology to understand what happens in their nervous system when they're experiencing a drug high. And then through the appropriate bio-regulation, you can have them regulate their brain waves, so that they can have the same experience without taking the drug. And I think all that is wonderful. Technology can take you to a certain point. It can give you insights, just like in the 60s people had great insights taking LSD and mushrooms and all that. I think now we have enough biotechnology and bio-regulation that can do that perhaps even better.
But ultimately the exploration of consciousness has to go beyond technology. It takes time, it takes discipline, it takes intentionality, it takes sincerity, it takes a great of deal authenticity to be wanting to go there - not just for the experience, but because you know that that experience will take you from your personal self into your more interdependent collective and hopefully Universal self.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Sociopath or BPD?
A reader writes:
Hello, I am a 18 year old female who wonders whether I am a sociopath or a borderline. Here's my story: I was always difficult baby who constantly cried and refused to sleep and eat certain foods. I was also never amused by the childish games that my peers seemed to delight in. As a child, I often forged and stole from teachers and students. It gave me a thrill, but I covered my tracks as I knew it was punishable behavior. One day, I was finally caught stealing, and my family gave me a long lecture about the severity of my crime. Since I was young, I decided to feign moral ignorance and claimed that I did not know stealing was wrong. I never stole again, though only for fear of getting caught. To this day, one of my favorite social tactics is "accessorizing" with mainstream morals and pretending to be outraged by "unacceptable" behavior. Feigning cluelessness is another favorite, though most people know me as a highly intelligent person.
I was raised in a strict family, and my parents would often physically punish me (and my two siblings) for bad behavior. However, I was the only one who reacted with violent vengeance. Years later, they are now terrified of me, and I rule the household. It is through this experience that I realized the power of intimidation and sheer violence, and I am shamelessly proud of this. However, my family viewed me as emotionally unbalanced because of my violent episodes and suicidal threats, and 2 years ago I was sent to a psychologist who diagnosed me with BPD. He believed I had difficulty controlling my emotions (hence the BPD), but the fact is my emotions are highly controllable; I exploit and indulge in them. In fact, I often practice facial expressions in the mirror, and whenever someone dies I have to egg on my tears. In fact I find myself craving tragic events, because then I have an excuse to practice my emotions (histrionic maybe?) Anyway, I was not completely honest with my psychologist, and in fact enjoyed manipulating our sessions by intimidating him and/or playing dumb and submissive.
Some other miscellaneous traits: I have disordered eating habits; I will binge (poor impulse control) and I will also starve myself (it makes me feel cleaner, superior). I'm also bisexual, hypersexual, and have had many romantic and sexual partners. I occasionally experiment with drugs and alcohol, though I find them to be overrated and simply minor sources of amusement. I also change friends like I change my underwear (frequently and without sentimental complications). I'm very socially adept and a real charmer. In fact, I recently read "The 48 Laws of Power) and was pleased to find that I already practiced most of them. Also, I have a mean streak and have made many people cry (which either irritates or highly amuses me). I also believe (and know) that I am superior to most people, which often leaves me bored with company. A final interesting tidbit: I have always been highly intrigued the morbid, grotesque, and/or deviant. These traits lead me to believe I may be a sociopath, though I was once diagnosed with BPD. I am careful not to assume I am a sociopath, especially since I had the displeasure of dealing with a particular wannabe who openly flaunted and fabricated their sociopathic tendencies. But after reading many of your posts (this blog is truly a treasure) and dealing with the wannabe-sociopath (I played the classic hunted-becomes-the-hunter card), I am very interested in your opinion and those of your readers. Thank you in advance!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.
Comments are unmoderated. Blog owner is not responsible for third party content. By leaving comments on the blog, commenters give license to the blog owner to reprint attributed comments in any form.