Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Jesse James

I've thought that Jesse James might be a socio or narcissist candidate ever since the adultery scandal -- the fact that he charmed Bullock into marrying him in the first place (she apparently saw something that no one else did?), the criminal history, the recklessness, the self-centered self-assuredness, the blasé attitude about the harm he caused others, the subsequent painting himself as a victim of childhood troubles, the Nazi paraphernalia? He just didn't seem to have the same sense of right and wrong that most people have.

He apparently just came out with a memoir and is promoting it, including doing an interview with the Hunffington Post. He doesn't seem that broken up about anything. When asked if about how he feels about denying his children a loving stepmother and a stable home:
Do you feel guilt for what you've put your kids through?

Well, I feel guilt, I feel guilt that I decimated their lives and the marriage to Sandy and all that stuff but kids are surprisingly resilient. I've never tried to hide anything from them. I'm 100% devoted to them and they're happy and healthy and thriving. They're all getting straight A's in school, they're good, strong kids so I think despite what a f*ck up everybody thinks I am and a terrible person I must be doing something right because my kids are pretty awesome.
That plus some other comments in the interview and the other available information about him make me think that there may be something to him, or maybe I'm reading too much into things.

Monday, May 9, 2011

More on self-awareness

I was thinking about the post about self-awareness and how it didn't really convey all that I have been thinking about the topic. In those periods in which I don't feel sociopathic, it's not just that I don't think about it, I have also forgotten other small "details" about my life and history. For instance, when I see other socios say that they have this extensive criminal past I think, well I don't, conveniently forgetting some shady things I have done, like the elaborate shoplifting scheme I engaged in about every other day for a year in college. But it didn't really seem criminal to me at the time, you know? Or I surely didn't do it because it was criminal. I knew that I couldn't get caught and I took all the proper precautions, but I didn't do it for the thrill of doing something "bad," I just did it as a means to an ends (one of the ends being the pleasure in exploiting the particular weakness(es) that allowed me to do it successfully for so long). So although I don't feel "criminal," apparently I am willing to do criminal things if the right opportunity comes along. That is another aspect of what I mean about my lack of self-awareness -- a disconnect between who I was in the past (or can be under certain circumstances) and who I happen to be in this exact moment.

Sometimes when I read the comments and see people self-assuredly asserting some devilish trait or another I think, "how can they know themselves well enough to even say something like that?" I mean, I have moments of clarity about those types of things, but if I don't actively try to remember they slip away, like the guy from Memento. In that same vein, a reader sent me this:
The Sociopath Catchphrase List

"I don't feel emotions like you do."

"I don't get pleasure out of much except the misery of others."

"I never really understand why people do what they do."

"Analyzing people is interesting."

"I like to torture animals to see how they react."

"I love to manipulate those around me."

"I understand emotions in a purely intellectual sense."

"[insert relative] died and I---well, I didn't feel anything."*

"I don't care about people."

"I don't care about the opinions of others, they're just objects to me."

"People are toys."

"Life is just about amusement."

"[insert falsely complex Chess, vampiric, or 'monster'-related social metaphor]"

"People are pawns to be used by me."

"I exploit people."

"I don't need anyone."

"All I see in people is how useful they are."

"I'm a natural charmer."

"I am so intelligent that I manipulate others."

. . .

The list could go on forever. Here's a lovely question: Is sociopathy becoming a container to determine who you are or are people simply lacking identity so much that they'd like to assign themselves to any personality?

*=The pause is optional. Some drag it on for effect, others try to "psychopathically" get straight to the point.

P.S. I'd appreciate it you published this. Perhaps some of the newer tikes would realize that they're not telling us anything new. Hell, maybe they'd come up with some new phrases. I've yet to see a chemistry-related metaphor for emotional apathy.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Trans

Continuing the theme of fun parallels, this New York Times article about Chaz Bono and the transgendered:
The two men compared today’s cultural blind spot regarding transgender people to attitudes about homosexuality during World War II, when homosexuals in the armed forces were considered psychiatrically abnormal and were court-martialed and dishonorably discharged. Until 1999, gender identity disorder was also classified as a mental disorder. Though it is now considered a medical issue, the “disorder” stigma is difficult for any marginalized group to shake.

“The notion of trans is incomprehensible to most people,” Mr. Bailey said. “It is so foreign.”
***
History mostly demonstrates the violence of embracing either pole of moral certainty. The black and white of gender identification has always pushed an infinitude of differences into the margins.
The oddest quote to me is when Cher says, " “If I woke up tomorrow in the body of a man, I couldn’t get to the surgeon fast enough.” If I woke up in a different body of any gender, I don't think I would mind at all. I think it would be fun and exciting, particularly at first. I mean, the limitations of gender and body can be annoying, but if you have to have them at all, it might be fun to mix it up.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Forgetting to be self-aware

I say I'm self-aware, but really I am not, or not unusually self-aware. I'm a lot more self-aware than I used to be, but I think I am probably about average for self-awareness, which may be slightly above average for the personality disordered?

Self-awareness is a tricky thing, though. You have moments of it, you don't live in it. It's like everything else, I guess. For instance, I am not particularly aware during the day that I am wearing clothing unless I see myself in the mirror perhaps, or start experiencing discomfort because of a lack or excess of clothes. We get used to things and let them fade out of our awareness. Little things like a haircut or shaving or not shaving remind us of what the wind feels like to blow through hair or across bare skin.

There are times when I am not aware of my sociopathy, manic and oblivious periods punctuated by abrupt periods of re-acquaintance, maybe a fit of rage, a shiver-inducing temptation, or some interpersonal problem. But for the most part, I'm aware of it to the extent that I am aware of my underwear or body odor -- I notice it only when there's a problem.

That's what is so weird about writing this blog and trying to write regularly. I'm currently in a happy place, professional success, no personal drama, plenty of alone time, a daily routine of variety and stimulation that I find deeply engaging and pleasurable. At times like these, I don't really feel that much like a sociopath. In fact, before the blog I often would just forget about it completely in times like these, only to be jerked out of my blissful oblivion by some crisis or another sometimes a year or more later. I wonder if it was better to be like I was before, forgetting periodically. If I can forget, why don't I?

Friday, May 6, 2011

Hollywood = sociopath enabler

There are some fun parallels between sociopaths and Hollywood. First of all, Hollywood movies make grossly unrealistic expectations seem plausible, which enables a sociopath's behavior like little else. Little girls and boys dream of a certain type of love, a certain type of life. Nothing will ever come close to this illusion, with the possible exception of another illusion. Sociopaths are the masters of catering to individual fantasies, and since sociopaths and Hollywood are the only people who can scratch this particular itch, in order to keep living in this fantasy world many people are forced to choose between watching romantic comedy matinees before going home to feed their 20 cats or be satiated by their sociopath bad habit.

I don't think the parallels between sociopaths and Hollywood stop there, though. In fact, the more you understand the way that Hollywood manipulates you to want certain things and consequently accept certain crazy things as normal, the more insight you will have in how a sociopath achieves the same. For instance, this article talks about how Hollywood makes outrageous stalker behavior seem normal and even desirable in an intense lover, from the quintessential "The Graduate" to the lesser known "Revenge of the Nerds":
At the end of Revenge of the Nerds, Lewis Skolnick finally wins over Betty Childs, which is absolutely astonishing when you consider that he engineered a midnight break-in of her sorority house, which involved he and his buddies scaring the shit of a bunch of co-eds, stealing their underwear and planting hidden cameras around their house, and later actually raped Betty inside of the moon room while pretending to be her disguised boyfriend. I mean… what? How did this dude not end up being hauled away in handcuffs as the credits rolled? How unrealistic was it that he took off his mask in the moon room and Betty didn’t freak out and begin screaming for help?
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