Objects of lust

A socio reader asked: "How does it make you feel, knowing people have sexual fantasies of you? Do you feel anything besides the typical ego boost? I know my question is a little rhetorical, but answer anyway."

I responded:

Funny you should ask -- I've been in the unusual position recently in which I can almost guarantee that 15-30% of the people that interact with me at all on a daily basis have had sexual fantasies about me. That's much higher than my usual 3-5%. What accounts for the surplus? I've been in positions of power and authority over relatively powerless and not as attractive people. But it does make me dress up more and be better about flossing and moisturizing. Also I strike poses more often for their benefit, just a little something to remember me by.

How does it feel to know that people are fantasizing about me? Powerful, I guess -- more powerful the more people there are doing it. It seems funny to have power over people that way. Sex makes people weak in funny ways, I guess I mean. I was writing to someone else about sex and power and she asked if I ever use sex as a means to power. I told her never actual sex, there is no power in actual sex. It's much better to maintain the allure, the anticipation of sex, without actually consummating anything, and by much better I largely mean much cleaner. But you should know more about this with your BDSM interests.

Speaking of fantasies, I have had this horrible obsession with someone I barely know for the past few years (or more the idea of them) and i'm not flying to their city. Every time I go, I try to come up with some way to meet up with them, but it makes me feel so weak to want it so much that I don't contact them at all. I *need* power and control. I only *want* to have this person, and if I have to sacrifice some of my power and control to get them, it's not worth it. But I want this person so much and it's been for so long, it has been a thorn in my side.

Music cognition and broken brains

A reader sent me this New York Times article about music cognition that had a section on how people with Autism process music differently from everyone else, less emotionally:

Daniel J. Levitin, director of the laboratory for music perception, cognition and expertise at McGill University in Montreal, began puzzling over musical expression in 2002, after hearing a live performance of one of his favorite pieces, Mozart’s Piano Concerto No. 27.

“It just left me flat,” Dr. Levitin, who wrote the best seller “This Is Your Brain on Music” (Dutton, 2006), recalled in a video describing the project. “I thought, well, how can that be? It’s got this beautiful set of notes. The composer wrote this beautiful piece. What is the pianist doing to mess this up?”

To decipher the contribution of different musical flavorings, [Levitan and a graduate student a pianist] perform snatches of several Chopin nocturnes on a Disklavier, a piano with sensors under each key recording how long he held each note and how hard he struck each key (a measure of how loud each note sounded). The note-by-note data was useful because musicians rarely perform exactly the way the music is written on the page — rather, they add interpretation and personality to a piece by lingering on some notes and quickly releasing others, playing some louder, others softer.

The pianist’s recording became a blueprint, what researchers considered to be the 100 percent musical rendition. Then they started tinkering. A computer calculated the average loudness and length of each note Professor Plaunt played. The researchers created a version using those average values so that the music sounded homogeneous and evenly paced, with every eighth note held for an identical amount of time, each quarter note precisely double the length of an eighth note.

Study subjects listened to them in random order, rating how emotional each sounded. Musicians and nonmusicians alike found the original pianist’s performance most emotional and the averaged version least emotional.
***
[T]he Levitin team found that children with autism essentially rated each nocturne rendition equally emotional, finding the original no more emotionally expressive than the mechanical version. But in other research, the team found that children with autism could label music as happy, sad or scary, suggesting, Dr. Levitin said, that “their recognition of musical emotions may be intact without necessarily having those emotions evoked, and without them necessarily experiencing those emotions themselves.”

Suicidal depression

A reader asks:

I got a question for you: Are you prone to depression? Is it something sociopaths
gotta deal with?

Do you contemplate suicide?

For the past 2 weeks I can't think about anything else, I get depressed every now and then. It's sort of like seasons, I got a happy season where I am the king of the world and I can't be happier, I love my life etc etc.

Then all in a sudden I start missing things I used to like, I start missing my happiness then it all snow balls into thinking that life isn't worth it. And if you thinks properly about it, life isn't worth it at all, it doesn't have a meaning, it doesn't have a goal it's just a fucking rat race with no purpose what so ever.

And the boredom that I fell the emptiness within my one self, it's so hard to stand it's all so superficial, my friends say they like me, they always receive with such warmth and love but yet I can't appreciate it it all seems superficial. Like if they are lying right on your face and everyone is aware of it.

Maybe the thing that bothers me the most is the hardcore interest in something for a period of time and then the vanishing of interest.

That has happened with everything in my life. Girls, friends, uni, hobbies, movies, series. All sorts.

I thought I was a sociopath or a psychopath when I first read your blog and then maybe a narcissist but I don't really know if there is a way to class me, maybe maniac depressive?

I don't really know to be honest, it doesn't really matter, it's not knowing why I act the way I do that will change anything.

Is there anyone else like this out there?

The idea of killing myself sounds so appealing, such an easy way...

I said: You know, I have a vague recollection of being depressed, but honestly it's hard for me to really tap into any of those memories when I'm happy. When I am up, I tend to stay pretty up, can't imagine myself being any other way. What I do remember about any feelings of depression is that it is frequently accompanied by a sensation of deja vu -- I feel like I have experienced that feeling of depression before, although I do not have a specific memory of experiencing the depression. It's as if when I am up all I can remember are the good things, and when I am down I can suddenly tap into those other unhappy memories with much greater ease.

You might also want to consider whether you are just sick? Sometimes I mistake physical illness for negative "feelings." Or there's something else going with you besides sociopathy.

Guest post: Morality

When I was five, there was a kid in a cafe where my Father would take me who would steal the toys from other kids. Apparently I would watch him steal the toys from other kids. When he decided to steal mine, I spat in his face, at which point he started crying and went to his mom. When questioned, I asked her why I would spit in his face. My Father highly approved, although did not tell me that he approved or had noticed for a number of years.

Around that time, I got the nickname Ender from my Mother's tech friends, due to my obsession with winning games. I figured out how to beat Civilization II without the ability to read, just playing it over and over and figuring out what the pictures meant.

When I got into third grade, my Mother started moving frequently, mostly for financial reasons. I have moved more than fifteen times in my life, but this is primarily of importance because the next several stories involve bullies who figured they'd pick on the new kid with glasses who read books. My general policy was to hurt them just enough they'd refrain from hurting me in the future.

There are only two cases which I find particularly of note. One was in fourth grade, where three kids tried to pick on me after school. I got one face down on the ground before the others could react, and threatened to hurt him if the others didn't back off. One backed off, but the other decided to call my bluff. I had to break the first kid's arm in order to make the courageous one stop hitting me, which I remember thinking as unfair, since he had given up as soon as I had him on the ground. The broken arm was blamed on him falling down some stone steps at the school, and I helped him get to the teachers. I do not tend to hold grudges.

The second was in seventh grade. A large pack of boys had gathered on the blacktop after school, having decided that if I'd fight two or three of them, I wouldn't fight back against five. They cornered me next to the school one day, and told me they meant to hurt me. I told them to hold on a second, dropped my books, and turned to the nearby brick wall. I then proceeded to bash my head against it until I could tell I was bleeding, turned around, and told them I was ready to fight. The guys began muttering about how they weren't going to fight some crazy bastard, and went away. It was the best way I could think of at the time to intimidate them into not fighting me, because I knew they'd win.

Until I was fifteen, I wasn't sure if I was gay, straight, or what. I simply did not feel attraction toward other people. It wasn't until I found a group who I found intellectually interesting that I became at all sexually active. It just wasn't important enough for me to bother before then. I tend to have one girlfriend at a time, with several girls I am involved with consistently, and then a number of random flings. The girlfriend is one of the major points where I find I deviate from the normal idea of a sociopath. My girlfriend is of genuine importance to me, and their well-being strongly effects my mood.

I do not tend to feel empathy toward most people, but my girlfriend is always part of a population which I call "My People". This has never been more than four people, and is generally at least two. They tend to define my self, with their opinions and advice shaping who I make myself to be.

I have a very strong personal code, which I have gained in large part from my Father, who also seems to function in a similar pattern as I do. I am not really able to articulate what this code is, other than that it requires I not harm others simply for pleasure, and that those close to me are particularly off limits.

Two years ago, around the time I turned sixteen, I started to realize that there is something different in how my brain works than the rest of the population. Sociopathy seems to be the closest thing to a proper diagnosis, but there are several things that simply due not fit with the traditional model. I am curious as to what you think about my particular makeup.

S&M

From a socio reader:

S&M is cleaner sex, at times. I take it to a totally different unnecessary level (well, when I was sexual, haven't been in a while now), and make it messy with the blood that was shed, but S&M, is mental fucking more than anything. The masochist already has this fetish to be hurt and disrespected, which is a mental issue in its self, why would any one enjoy being disrespected and humiliated, and it is up to me to deliver this mind fuck that they want. I know of some Dommes that actually have sex with their pets, and customers, but for me I only want it to be mental. I will be able to control them anyway I want, and I am using sex (as in sexuality, being a woman) to do this. Power isn't created with the actual act unless it is rape, and even though rape is literal power over another, it isn't a meaning of creating power.

I actually can't stand sex. You know this much. Others were confused about being an asexual but engaging in S&M, and sadistic sex. It is definitely over rated (the act of sex). I can get my orgasm with some perverted thoughts and a dildo. I don't like people enough to have them hump me for minutes. Sex with women is far better, but I relate more to a male, and I love watching their reactions to my touch. Again though, I am not into vanilla sex (regular sex) that much, and I have cut off my sadistic sex completely.

I watched this old HBO series called OZ, and there was an inmate on death row for killing two women through strangulation or suffocation during sex. He confessed to killing over 39 women, but told the priest that he "loved" them all, and that he truly "loved" all types of women. When asked why kill them if you love them he replied, "Loving someone means they own part of you, and I refuse to be owned by anyone."