IM conversation with a friend

M.E.: there are times when i'm around people that i get the feeling they think i'm a little off

Friend: hah

M.E.: that happened with gay neighbor today when i seemed overly worried about my own self instead of the guy who actually got fired. also today with the subletters.

Friend: yeah. well, it's true you don't always hide your self-interest as well as the rest of us

M.E.: ha. it's why i try to purposefully be generous, though
(1) i know what effect it will have on others
(2) i have the peaceful assurance of knowing that although i can be a leech in many ways, i won't get a bad reputation because i am mysteriously and inexplicably generous in random ways

Friend: hah. yeah. everyone is happy in the end

M.E.: right, i get what i most want and give only those things that i am more than happy to give

Guest post song: Spooky

The cruel aspie

I have a particularly hostile and clueless aspie in my worklife. Although I found his machinations incredibly annoying, I didn't react in the emotional way that he seemed to be expecting. This made the aspie try harder to be cruel at first, thinking perhaps that he just wasn't pressing the right buttons to send me over the edge. When I continued to react with apathy to his insults and played his games back on him until I got the upperhand, he began playing the victim, although not credibly because of the papertrail he left that I had the foresight to maintain. The weird thing about this sudden shift to the victim role is that I think he actually believes that he is the victim. In fact, he is the one that I tweeted about who vehemently complained that he was "a decent human being" (which he most certainly is not) and as such does not "deserve to be treated this way" (which he most certainly does).

This interpersonal "drama" is why I found this email from an aspie reader particularly interesting, both for the parallels (particularly a proneness to callous manipulation and self-deception) and the differences (whatever the relevant psychologist thinks they may be):

When I was 7 I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome.

Until recently I had not realised that I was as cruel of a person as I see I am now in retrospect.

Whilst growing up I would physically attack my brother until he started to bleed, and when he did my only thoughts were for myself that I might get caught.

I manipulated people and lied to get more money from my mother (my parents divorced when I was age 6). I am no longer violent, But I am extremely emotionally manipulative and I still lie regularly without realising it.

After breaking up with my (now ex) girlfriend, she made me realise these things about myself. When I was with her, despite feeling that I should love her, I treated her with spite and coldness. When she would ask me to proofread her writing I would tell her I found the style boring and that I was astounded she received good marks for something so poorly constructed. I was contemptuously jealous of her ability to write so well. I would treat her like an unintelligent child when we debated and when she cried herself to sleep telling me of how her father never showed her any affection and was utterly self obsessed, I did not react. I saw such a time as merely an opportunity to become closer to her, gain more of her trust. I do not feel remorse for these actions although I do miss her affection and wish I had not been so cruel if only so she'd still be with me.

I told her that I suspected I was a sociopath and could not love her. I thought my honesty would be welcomed and she could help me become a better person. She left instead.

This was kinda crushing, not that I did love her, but because I was dependant on her to support me emotionally. I thrive on being loved, but as I am such an obliviously callous person (which I only realised recently) people find it difficult to love me. I also tend to discard people when they outlive their usefulness.

I was doing research on the subject to confirm my suspicion when I came across your blog. It seems as though my situation is congruent with the diagnosis, so I went to see a psychologist to find out if I could get help. I explained my childhood diagnosis and the psych seemed absolutely sure that I am not a sociopath and that I in fact do have aspergers syndrome.

She explained what Aspergers syndrome entails and how it fits my queries just as well as sociopathy, even slightly better.

I then came across a post on your blog about the difference in perception between "aspies" and sociopaths ("soc's"[SO-shez]). It occurred to me that even though I am perceived as a harmless, socially awkward, 'genius', I am just as bad if not worse than people who's correct diagnosis would label them as 'serial killers' or 'child molesters' what have you.

This is really just plain wrong. I would like to talk further with you and help in anyway I can with this issue of inequality of public perception. Having read so much it is clear to me that aspergers and sociopathy are similar disorders and poisonous associations in wider society will just continue to perpetuate themselves with books such as "the sociopath next door", and "the snakes in suits." It sickens me that you would be treated as a monster when I am treated with respect for essentially very similar neurological disorders.

So there you have it: tell a girl you're a sociopath and get broken up with, tell a girl you're an aspie and maybe get some pity sex.

Sociopath?

From a reader:

First of all, outwardly I appear charming and intelligent with a readily engaged sense of humor. By the way, laughter is something I've learned to fake perfectly. Very few things are actually funny to me and most of those include scenarios where someone gets conned even for the hell of it or some other kind of misery in those around me.

Speaking of other people's pain - I understand it perfectly on a totally intellectual level but can't feel it myself. When my uncle died recently I had to wear sunglasses a lot because I can't cry on cue (yet). I liked the guy because he was smart and could carry a conversation with me, but the fact that he's gone is absolutely no bother to me at all - I'm not happy about it, it just doesn't make much difference to me.

I honestly don't care for people very much but I keep them around for the same reason I imagine a chess king covets his pawns - they're useful and if I exploit them enough they become invaluable. I'm good at this - to me human interaction is based around a simple principle: you give so you can take, and if you're wise you can give very little and receive a lot.

I've given it some thought and I realized that I have feelings but not emotions - feelings are anger, desire, physical satisfaction - all things I experience powerfully. An emotion is, if you ask me, an attachment to someone based on one of those basic instincts - this is what I lack. I don't care about people at all except for what they can give me and I take a lot of pleasure in subtly manipulating their
emotions when they aren't doing what I want.

I am a thrill-seeker. I have no driver's license and I enjoy stealing my parents' cars at night and going out to party with friends, then sneaking into their room and leaving them by the bed so "there's no way I stole them, Mom." I steal cash, from everyone, but only when I know with absolute certainty that I won't get caught - different people have different thresholds for their likelihood to notice, obviously. Once I do something like this it becomes boring and any small adrenaline rush I may have derived from it is gone.

I have violent fantasies with slight sexual undertones - kidnapping someone, anyone, and doing whatever I want to them for as long as it takes for me to get bored before ritualistically killing them and disposing of the body. I drift off sometimes when people piss me off (which is almost all the time - they are, for the most part, pathetic and weak) and have fantasies like this - for example, I was sitting behind a friend of mine in a car - the man wouldn't shut up so I imagined how easy it would be to loop my shoelace round his neck and just pull till the struggling stopped. These thoughts don't scare me - there is no sense of shame associated with them - they are simply a part of who I am.

It's strange, but as a child I was outwardly very normal. I never understood certain things like birthdays but I did understand that it was important to fake it, so I did. I was never violent but I was constantly prodding at other kids' emotional weak spots for fun. They would go to the teacher and tattle, but I chose such a trivial problem that the adults basically told them to suck it up - and they did. When another child angered me I did this in earnest to spectacular, tearful results. This is how I got my real jollies as a kid but it was never picked up on by the adults around me - I'm a master at charming people older than me and prefer them to those my age - their behavior is much more linear. When I was seven years old my father took me to a lab party (he's a genetic researcher) and I amazed a table of his seven colleagues and boss with my knowledge of the immune system while my parents stood in the background looking politely embarrassed.

I want to know what the readership thinks because, being underage, I can't get a Hare
Checklist (PCL-R) done.

How would you feel?

From a reader:

I find your blog fascinating. While I have sociopathic tendencies, there are certain traits I have that rule me out as a true sociopath. However, I follow your blog and I came across an article that I thought you might find interesting. I'd also love to know how you would react to a situation like this.

The gist of the article is that a female gorilla in a Korean zoo lost her life-long 25 year companion/cell mate. She is inconsolable. The only other gorilla she knew is gone.

In a closed environment such as this, without interaction beyond that of one other person, how would a sociopath act? I know for myself, I am a completely malleable personality that revels in my many different personae I can call upon at will. But I started thinking how I would feel in this situation. If I was forced to spend the next 25 years with only one man, how would my personality settle? Would it change? Would a 'real me' come out? Or would it just be the same personality for all 25 years, while I would know deep down that it isn't the real me, since the real me doesnt exist? And when I lost this one man forever, where would my sense of loss come from? Would it be simply the anger generated by loss of someone you needed or would it be supreme sadness rooted in deep emotion?

I am aware that sociopaths feel emotion, but I am asking what that emotion would feel like if there was no one left to play with; no one left to charm; no one left to dispose of - just this one other soul to keep you company until they died, leaving you all alone. I know the idea of isolation is hell to most sociopaths. But what I would like to know is what people hypothesize the relationship and their role in it would be like if they were trapped in a closed environment with only one other person for 25 years. Would the sociopathic behaviors/desires increase, remain the same, or would they diminish? Minus a group of victims (sorry to be general with that term), how would a sociopathic personality react to having just one and only one person at their fingertips? Would the behaviors even be able to be classified as sociopathic.

M.E.: It's hard to imagine, honestly. I think it would seem nice at first to only have to interact with one person. I've gone through periods when I am tired of having to wear so many different masks. Not having to change masks all the time would in some ways free me to be able to have more of my "own" thoughts. But I think I would also feel like a retiree -- when you're in the midst of a grind, you can't help but fantasize about having more freedom to pursue being you, but the daily grind of work life also defines you so much that when it goes away there could be the sensation of a "lack" of "you". I think that this proneness to lack of self-definition contributes largely to the persistent feeling of "emptiness" that plagues sociopaths. One time i referred to it as always being aware of the abyss and people accused me of being dramatic, but i meant it in the literal sense -- a void, a vacuum of not just self or sense of self but of non-relativistic reality.

My brain is like a stomach whose lining has a hole, it constantly needs stuff to process otherwise it starts eating itself, so to speak. So I guess in answer to your other question about what would I do/feel if I were in complete isolation, I would probably lose all track of reality and sense of self and go crazy. But isn't everyone like that? What an odd flaw to have in the human psyche.