Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A letter from a former forensic psychology student

From a reader:
I've been reading your blog about six months and I must say it is most refreshing to discover a page that does not villify sociopaths, painting them as these evil people whom want nothing more than to roam the Earth manipulating, raping and killing. Your blog has confirmed for me what textbooks could not. Reading through many of the self-reflective posts I find myself identifying with them. I came to your blog unsure as to what exactly I was, I knew I was different and I certainly matched up with a lot of the traits that are succinct in ASPD, however I did not believe myself to be one as I can have emotions such as happiness, anger, sadness. I was what society considers normal up until about the age of 12 (I even distinctly remember feeling guilty for ruining something that belonged to someone else and seeing their reaction), following a rather traumatic incident, coupled that with constant bullying through both primary and secondary school my ability to feel guilt ceased, (I can't ever recall feeling empathy).

I learnt very quickly how to manipulate those around me. I did however have to learn how to be socially graceful as those around me and I grew up. The best way I can describe it is, "it's like performing a group dance that you don't know. You watch those around you and attempt to emulate them, however you'll always be one or two steps behind." There is one particular incident that sticks out in my mind. I was 18 and in my final year of school, one morning a friends dad had died, the school gathered our year together, told us and then told us to take all the time we needed and to go to class whenever. I sat down with my group of friends, all looking miserable and pensive. I did not understand how they could feel this way, it was not their dad who had died, it would not directly affect them. However I knew that I must follow suit, so I sat there looking miserable and pensive like the rest, the foremost thought in my mind being "I can't be the first to leave, I hope someone goes soon, after the first person leaves I'll wait a couple of minutes then head off, the ground is really uncomfortable."

I'm 20 years old now, studying psychology at university with the original intention of gaining a PhD in Forensic psychology, however after seeing first hand what's involved in the research side of the profession I've switched my focus to that of a medical degree. The reason for this partly being as I see it as the ultimate challenge, when I was much younger doctors appeared to be these omnipotent beings that us mere mortals could only hope to be like. Which brings me to my next conclusion, I am not just a sociopath, I am sociopath with narcisstic tendencies (not something I'm proud of). I do part-time work in the bar/gaming industry, I excelled at that, not because I wanted the satisfaction of having done a good job (that concept is laughable to me), but because I wanted to move up. I'm the youngest person working for that business and I have more responsibiltes than people twice my age.

I'll end this with an anecdote that shall lead into a question. In class we were studying, ASPD and the question of Nature Vs. Nurture was raised, loving a good argument I decided to throw my two cents in and suggested a hypothesis that no-one else was considering, as members of the class were either on the side of nature OR nurture, but never considering that the answer could be both, which led to an interesting ten minute discussion. I used the knowledge I have of my own personality to come up with the idea. Having NEVER felt empathy, but having felt guilt at one point could it be possible that people possess certain genes/characteristcs (whatever you wish to call them) at birth, that give them the potential to become sociopathic, however only when placed in certain situations does the sociopathy present itself, if for example I hadn't gone through the traumatic event, if I'd had a normal schooling life as opposed to one rife with bullying would I be "normal" now?

Food for thought!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Arms race

What to do when you encounter another socio? Engage them? Ignore them? Give them a wide berth?

When you meet socios in real life, there's a recognition that can happen. One time I was out with a friend of a friend. He said something about another guy being Jewish and I asked, "How do you know?" He said that when you are a "member of the tribe" like he is, you tend to pick up on other identifying marks in others. I think the same is true of sociopaths. The mask a sociopath wears is directed at the public, not at other sociopaths, so naturally it will not work as well for sociopaths. It would be like hiding behind a wall when your predator primarily uses echolocation or infrared to identify its prey rather than visual sight.

In response to last week's articles on sociopath co-workers, a sociopath reader told me about her own encounters with a sociopathic co-worker, to which I asked her:
Do you think she also has your number? Do you think she will be a problem? I often wonder whether it is better to do an open arms race, so they know they can't initiate any form of aggression without immense retaliation, or whether it is best to secretly stockpile. Which will you take with this co-worker?
She responded:
My co-worker is definitely aware now. It is only a problem in that she has mentioned, "I think so-and-so and I think the same way," many times in different ways, and I am concerned that she will get caught in some shenanigan and people will remember that statement. When it comes to setting up territory or what have you, I am pretty lazy, so unless there is a direct conflict of I want this and she wants that, where she isn't willing to give in, I don't forsee a problem. Also, we have different styles. For example, as people go, she has gotten very close to our manager and director. I, on the other hand, have gotten close to the manager's closest friend, the director's most trusted adviser, and a manager from another work group. This is my preferred practice, as any influence won't look like it came from me and any benefits won't look like a person favoring someone they are closer with. The outside guy is in case something needs to come from outside the team and because he is well-respected in the company by all groups. There are four of us that spend time together on our team, and she picked one and I picked the other. Most importantly, when project assignments came up and she wanted the same as me, she backed right off as soon as I stated my preference.

Given your options, I am a "secretly stockpile" type of person.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Acting the part (part 2)

M.E.: I've been put in a situation at work recently with social rejects and it is amazing the sort of things I am able to get away with around them, little slip ups, etc., that used to trip me up with some of my smoother colleagues. I think I wrote about this once, that I do very well in the first 30 minutes of sustained talking to someone (very charming), but the longer it lasts, there is more mental fatigue plus I start running out of completely safe topics or canned material. I often think the best way to figure out whether someone is a sociopath or not is to force them to keep talking with you until they start to crack and you start to see what's underneath. It would depend on the person, but I think that someone familiar with sociopaths would definitely be able to notice warning signs after about 4-6 hours of sustained one on one interaction. The trick would just be to isolate the potential sociopath for that long.

The possibility of being outted through conversation is what makes a fake diagnosis of Asperger's appealing to me because when you do slip up they'll just attribute it to that rather than getting online and googling your symptoms…

Reader:

:) The 30 minute conversation is a little long for me- I was always great for about 20. I find, now, that I can sustain long conversations better as long as I have a goal with each one, like, "During this conversation, I'm going to work toward getting participant A to agree with me on 3 statements, so he files me away as like-minded." or "During this conversation, I'm going to change her mind on this, which would make my life slightly easier." I still have a limit, certainly, and I definitely get the mental fatigue you mentioned, but more than that I get bored. A person's drivel just doesn't hold my interest unless I am actively doing something with it.

The asperger's Dx is definitely appealing for covering slip-ups. I mentioned the possibility of aspergers to my husband, but his response was something to the effect of, "You don't have aspergers. You're just a psychopath who wants to be lazy." He is so funny.

As far as detecting other p/s individuals, I do try to keep an eye out so as to not get in their way. Don't get me wrong- I will take something I want, but I'm not interested in starting something with another p/s unless it is worth the effort and potential exposure. Co-worker 2 from the story hit some key p/s points the first week I knew her. I actually came home the first day and told Aristotle that my first day was good and that he should watch out for coworker2 (my work does a lot of whole-family events, so he spends a good bit of social time with the job people). During a safety training, when the speaker was flashing up gruesome pictures of the bad that can happen when being unsafe with the kinds of materials and equipment we use, I scanned the faces around the room, and all but two were disgusted immediately. Coworker 2 smiled first. :) Since, I've seen her mask slip just a little, here or there. At lunch, when the chatter moves to something morally or ethically based, she always waits for another's opinion and piggy-backs. When anything controvercial comes us, she takes the groups temperature before committing. Finally, the girls and I were all out drinking recently, when we were sharing our back-stories, and her's was one of early divorce, managing a mother with a pd, and mild sexual abuse by a step father. Nothing earth-shattering, but certainly triggers for a potential p/s. :)

Friday, April 8, 2011

Acting the part (part 1)

From a reader:
I've had a fun experience a few weeks ago, and I thought I'd share.

I've moved from working in academia, where those in power see those below them as either dismissible and squish-able piss-ants or disciples, to a company where people are more on equal footing. Over the years, I learned to adapt the sweet and lovable little girl act I had designed for adults to a cute an innocent chick act for guy-games to the wide-eyed mentee act in academia. My so-sweet-I'm-quirky (and-non-threatening!) status has always served me well. I was never suspect when my shenanigans could have pointed toward me. Teflon. I was free do make happen whatever I'd like. Now that I'm in industry and nearing my 30's, I don't think I can quite pull that persona off without about 10 cats and dresses with shoulder pads and tiny flowers. I recognize this, but it is still the character I've trained to slip into when my personality is on auto-pilot. I had a birthday a few weeks ago, and some of my new colleagues took me out to lunch. At the end of the meal, a personalized cake arrived, complements of the team. Showing over-gratitude endears people to me as long as it seems genuine (and I definitely pull off genuine), so when paying I held up the remnants of the cake and told the cashier (with a big smile) "My friends bought me a cake for my birthday! They are wonderful!"

Here's the fun part. Co-worker 1 leaned over to co-worker 2 and said, "And she says she doesn't have Aspergers." ! :) !!!!!! This was in reference to an earlier comment as Co-worker 1 does, indeed, have Aspergers and we had been talking about it. As a side note, co-worker 2 is most likely a p/s type, but much younger, so we have non-colliding orbits. Probably more on her at another time. This is thrilling. I'm going to have to work a little to pull off mild Aspergers, but Aspie Co-worker 1 making those comments certainly won't hurt. It seems like this would give me cover on any non-empath-like comments I make or actions I take, while allowing me to appear to be a cute little Aspie. :) This will require that I encourage the development of the comments from Co-worker 1, but luckily both 1 and 2 are pleasant to have around, so crafting her message and my image should be some fun.
M.E.: I love this. I try to play the aspie card whenever possible and appropriate. Aspies themselves are a little harder to trick. They can recognize that you are different from other neurotypicals, but they also recognize that you're not quite like them either, without necessarily being able to put a finger on why exactly.
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