Risky business

I was never really conscious of being a big risk taker when I was younger, although I ended up in urgent care facilities more than average, have woken up to medics and oxygen masks, etc. All growing up my parents made me take extra safety precautions that even my siblings did not have to do take -- helmets while skiing, mouthguards for sports, elaborate buddy systems, and emergency contact information on my person at all times. All my instructors and guides would laugh when my parents warned them to keep an eye out for me. I was a bit of a daredevil, but it was more than that -- I would often take risks that people wouldn't even have considered to be an option, wouldn't have predicted the need to warn me about.

It makes me wonder, are sociopaths risk-seeking or risky? Risk-seeking would mean that they are willing to take bigger risks for bigger payouts. For instance, between two choices of a 100% chance of winning $10,000 or a 1% chance of winning a million, a risk-averse individual is more likely to choose the former and a risk-seeking individual is more likely to choose the latter. The difference between the two becomes more stark when losses are involved, for instance a 1% chance of losing a limb vs. a 100% of breaking a limb. Which would you choose? A risk-seeking individual is more likely to choose the small chance of losing a limb and a risk-averse individual is more likely to choose the certainty of breaking a limb.

In contrast, a risky person takes illogical risks just for the sake of risk. For instance, a risky person might choose a 1% chance of winning only $500,000 rather than a 100% of winning $10,000. Likewise, a risky person might accept a 3% chance of losing a limb rather than the certainty of breaking a limb. A risky person may behave this way because (1) they are incorrectly assessing the risks and payouts involved, (2) they are correctly assessing the risks, but get some other benefit from the risk itself (i.e. psychic benefit from the risk itself), or (3) a mixture of 1 and 2.

Of course most choices we make are not as simple as 100% of $10,000. Even for a choice where you are certain you will either lose a limb or break it, everyone will value their own limbs differently and in different situations. Assuming two people are similar in every way but one is a sociopath and the other normal, I wonder what exactly would make them different when it comes to risk.

Not seeing the forest because of the trees

Because there is always more than one possible explanation:

The good son

Excerpts from a reader's email:

I've never exposed myself in this manner before, but some of your readers' words struck a chord with me. So here I am.

I've known what I was ever since I was around 4. That is the first time I molested a female friend. Growing up, I've molested several of my childhood friends. I am much older now, and just recently molested and anally raped a woman whom I seduced at a bar. She took me to her place and passed out. The next morning, it was as if nothing happened. I am a sexual sadist at heart.

My knowledge of my inner being advanced after I realized I would nail mice to wooden planks, grind kittens' heads into cement with my foot, and brutally beat my dog's face with my fists until they bled. I was around 7 when I started, I believe. The feeling would be hard to describe: a rush mixed with uncontrolled rage and ultimate satisfaction. I torture and kill animals to this day, whenever there is a chance.

Everyone perceived me as a very well adjusted, loving, compassionate, intelligent child. But for the most part, it was an ingrained response to veil my pleasures. I was raised by an extremely loving, responsible, and intelligent mother, and more than willing relatives that thought I was simply a joy. I knew my "good side" rendered positive feedback, which in turn lessened culpability. I was never caught, or even suspected of anything. I was a good kid. Today, I am still capable of goodness, however that can be taken.

My motto is "Self-preservation, above all else." I've never been in a physical altercation, and rarely, if ever, have been provoked. Being known as a fighter leads to suspicion. Also, being in a fight could cause permanent injury and even death, if your opponent is more skilled. This infringes on the very framework of self-preservation.

I am a very good-looking, very intelligent, and very capable young man who takes care of his ailing mother and volunteers helping the sick. I publicly advocate the rights of women and am sensitive to every woman's needs. Quick to forgive, slow to fight. I am...perfect. Too perfect. At least for a while.

I am the most dangerous of monsters. I can't be stopped. I won't be stopped. I am in plain sight. If you're not extremely vigilant, subconsciously on the watch…I will tear you to pieces, if it is to my liking. I can also be your saving grace, your best friend, if it is to my liking. It's all about control, which is a bit ironic because I never seemed to be able to control my own impulses to harm others.

No one has ever known about me and my little secrets, and no one ever will. They will be kept locked away forever; away from counselors, parents, friends, and strangers alike. No one will ever know what I truly am...and that is the beauty of it all. Pure anonymity and elusiveness. I truly resent your labels and terms. Like attention-seeking whores, you gossip, solicit yourselves, and indulge your own fantasies of being a monster, a "sociopath". I understand myself completely, but what makes me dangerous is my complete understanding of those unlike me. I understand I will never stop raping; will never stop torturing; will never stop destroying.

Sociopaths in media: Cyndi Kristoffer from Penny and Aggie

From a reader:

I wondered if you'd heard anything about a webcomic called Penny & Aggie. One of its characters, Cyndi Kristoffer, has pretty much been defined as a sociopath. In the latest arc she goes missing, presumably abducted.

Here's the start of the arc.

The middle part, which might fill in a bit more about the other characters.

The conversation between abductor and abducted

To me Cyndi is a really good portrait of a young evolving sociopath, who has decided that she enjoys playing social and verbal games with people, and she is going to continue to do so until it gets boring. She’s developed as a character over the last couple years of this webcomic. Before the most recent storyline, there aren’t more than ten or twelve strips that blatantly flaunt her sociopathic behavior, because the writers have taken time to build her. They’ll show her giggling in the corner of one panel at someone else’s pain. Or they’ll have her engaged in a genuine conversation, without making it obvious that she’s just pulling strings. The comic has been patiently working towards the current arc. This is how Cyndi's part of the kidnapping arc ended.

My first instinct was to smile in relief when I saw the last panel. But I wondered what you would think. I imagine that if a sociopath facing psychiatric evaluation and confinement felt anything, they would feel a sinking sensation, or the sudden feeling of being trapped.

And I wonder if Cyndi will learn how to fake being normal, and come back more dangerous than ever.

My response: I think Cyndi would feel trapped. It's actually hard to pretend to be normal, particularly in a sterile situation where people are not giving you the benefit of the doubt, e.g. a mental institution. Cyndi can get out of there through three primary means (in order of attempt): (1) charming or forming an emotional/manipulative bond with her doctors, (2) getting her parents or doctors to doubt themselves just enough to feel like they are monsters for keeping a poor defenseless girl locked up, or (3) provoking some sort of public scandal with her doctors, parents, or the institution such that she will have to be let out to appease the masses. Sociopaths view their victims a little like etch-a-sketches -- victims just need to be shaken up a little to erase whatever lingering impression they may have had of the sociopath.

I hope Cyndi makes a reappearance in the comic eventually, though. There aren't that many fun socio characters.

Falling in love with a sociopath

From a reader:

I'm about 99% sure my dear friend is a sociopath. He's the most charming, funny, and well-loved person in our community. Yet, he has zero work ethic and is basically a leech entirely when it comes to work. Nothing wrong is ever his fault. He lied countless times to me when he pursued a relationship, and never seemed genuinely sorry (regardless of the many "I'm Sorry's" and "I understand's.") And he has this weird thing with eye contact. He also has lots of tricks I've picked up on, so I know he's very attentive to me when we're "on-again" and likes to protect himself. He knows how to get to me, using humor, my dreams, and sympathy play. I just wanted to write about how loving a sociopath happens, regardless of knowing so clearly what went wrong (many people don't understand -- I get that) and about why I wanted him back.

I forget it's bad because I'm having so much fun. He's funny, sweet even. He brings up old jokes, memories, and conversations that almost make me forget why I hated him so much in the first place. Somewhere in my mind I know he's not safe, or solid as a foundation, but I feel at home with him anyway. I can see the tricks he's reusing and I can say out loud the things he did to me, the terrible games he played with me. But between my head and my heart there is literally a break in the connection, because I love him.

I also want to point out that going back to him went something like this; it's easier to join forces and be friends than to be on the opposing side. Though we didn't actually fight (verbally or physically) ever really, because he only admitted he lied once, we were in a war. He made himself known, but we weren't speaking. He was everywhere I needed to be, and eventually even crept into my dreams and haunted me in my sleep. It was impossible to go without him. So, regardless of the hours of counseling and catharsis conversations with friends, he's back.

I have a strange compassion and love for him and sociopaths in general, I think. I don't know why they "tick" and work as they do, but they're just different than me. They're still sane, yes, but something inside drives their actions to be so different. They are like little power monsters at times, but they need love too...or so it feels. Is the beating I get worth it? So far, I guess it has been (though, not to outsiders).

Still, he's my friend, and I believe that he needs love even if he can't feel it quite the same. That's weird, I know. Ha, this is going to sound stupid, but I was thinking about that while I was petting my cat today. She was purring because she liked it, but another way of her getting more petting was clawing at me. So I had to only pet her from a certain angle, so I could still show her I loved her, but not get scratched. Cheesy analogy? Completely. But I think it kind of makes sense for a lot of us that love sociopaths.