Monday, October 4, 2010

Asexual sociopath

Sam Vaknin often describes narcissists as being essentially asexual in nature, and literary sociopath Tom Ripley is perhaps best described as also being "asexual" rather than bisexual. I have expressed my own opinions about how a sociopath's sense of sexuality can seem fuzzy, and asked a female sociopath reader to describe her own sexuality, or asexuality, as it turns out:
If I had to label myself, I'd be A-sexual (this is what I generally tell people if they ask). I am attracted to both sexes, but not because I want to have sex with them, though I do sometimes engage in the act of fornication. I adore women. They are sexy, soft, delicate, and so easy to use. But being a very feminine looker myself, it's equally easy to target men, who I happen to find attractive for their muscles, ruggedness, and animalistic tendencies. Woman are wonderful because they are the embodiment of nurturing, and when I don't feel like being a hard-ass, I can cuddle with a soft woman, and put my mind at ease, as long as they aren't constantly talking. Men are wonderful because I am pretty aggressive, and I love the power and strength that oozes out of the way they carry themselves. Sexually, they are equal really. I only want one thing, and both sexes supply it sufficiently. Relationship wise, I can tolerate women longer, but I'd more than likely venture elsewhere due to boredom, and their petty needs. They get too deep, too personal.

Though sexually perverted, I have not had sex that often. My drive in regular sex is close to non-existent, I hate the closeness in it all. If not obvious seduction, which is rare, my way of reeling them in is humor, and charisma. I am the regular funny, clever person that gets everyone around me talking. I only get cat-like in my movements when I have a specific target. I often imagined what it would be like if I were a man. I would be able to feel her insides, and drain her sexually, and emotionally as well as physically, and experience the best sexual high while sucking the life out of her. Like a parasite I want to get deep inside a woman, and spread my seeds into every orfice of her body until she deteriorates from the inside out. As a woman, I don't feel that empowerment. I don't leave anything, literal, in any of my subjects to drain them. Mentally, emotionally, of course. The deterioration is obvious. But I don't get to feel them deteriorating. I just see it. What is sex like for a male sociopath, I wonder?

Growing up it was very confusing to be me. I identified more with the boys I grew up with, rough housing, manipulating, getting in trouble, bad mouthing. I have rough exteriors, and was a serious (still am) tomboy. I joke saying I'm a male in a very obvious female body, and those who know me never describe me as dainty, or girly. My mother just wanted her daughter to be a girl, and I knew I was, but didn't like the typical girl characteristics. I tried to be girly, and felt out of place. I was masculine, but still to in touch with my femininity to deny it completely. I didn't know what gay was until I was in high school, but by then I was so awkward that my sexuality didn't seem to matter anymore. I was just trying to deal with my personality, trying to fit in, the usual story with sociopaths. I didn't know anything about personality disorders until I was diagnosed with one. I was more into the idea of sexuality before high school, and once I started school, the interest in sex just vanished. It became more of a need for domination, control, and manipulation with a side-dish of "lets see what I can get away with", than sex games teenagers usually get wrapped up in. I definitely identify more with men mentally, and physically, but not enough to want to be one permanently. Being a female definitely has its advantages though. I wouldn't change that for the world. I can turn men to putty, and take them for everything that they are worth without breaking a sweat. But to experience being one, for at least a week, would really make me happy. I would have a certain something that is mine, and not sparkly pink with a few straps and a harness.

I do envy you fellas sometimes...

Trying to find myself, what sex I identified with, who I preferred, how to look, dress, and act, came to a still once I stopped trying to give myself a label. Once I was honest with myself, and stopped trying so damn hard to fit in or hide, I became free. I heard the sociopath term before with past psychiatrists, but didn't apply it deeply into myself until going to your site. Now it's easy like Sunday morning. I fight constantly with impulses to harm, but there are stabilizing influences in my life, so I am behaving, for the most part. I want hook-ups later in exchange for good behavior.

As far as I'm concerned I am a person who is fluid with any sex as long as they give me what I want, entertainment, and of course, lots of goodies.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Self-reflection

This was in a refreshingly honest email by a normal person and reluctant friend of a sociopath, in response to this post on fear mongering:
I've read a lot on your site (and in general) about "normal" people being afraid of people like you, and I've got to say that I understand that fear. When someone that you thought you knew very well morphs into something unrelatable before your very eyes, it's downright terrifying. It's also a little heart-breaking, because, honestly, I can see humanity's weakness in myself when I recoil from what I don't understand. Evil, after all, is a man made concept, and I'm no one to decide what's "right". I just can't take it. I won't ever condemn him for what he is because he can't help how he was made and our differences don't imply that I'm somehow better than he is, but I can't consciously associate and be friends with someone that could so easily cast me aside to climb a few more rungs on the ladder to success.
I guess socios and normal people have more in common than people think, i.e. inclinations to do both good and evil that we either choose to indulge or fight.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Sociopath for a sister

A reader asked about yesterday's "creepy attachment to family" criteria for sociopaths. Here is a good description of what I'm talking about, from a sociopathic reader about her sister:
I guess my sister is like that constant fix that I need. She knows my faults, and doesn't judge me for it. She doesn't know everything, but with what she knows, she still cares. Even when I make her feel bad, she sticks by me. It's strange. It's like I want to push her to the edge to see how far I can take it, to see if she will leave me. I know she won't, which is why I keep on pushing. She even has enough courage at times to put me in my place when I'm being too much of an ass, and I cherish that. This love is like an obsession, a selfish engulfing obsession. Once I realize that I have a form of feeling to love I get controlling, and don't ever want to let go. I get smothering, I get frightening. I, in a way, give myself the title of master, she becomes my pet. I take care of her, but punish her if she makes me upset. I give her whatever she wants, knowing down the line, when I want something from her, she better give it. It's oddly never violent, I have never hit her. She has my respect for putting up with my shit, and staying. It's not a warm love. It's not a pleasant love, it's not a kind love. It's a soul and mind consuming love. It's a parasite, and it feeds on her kindness and love for me until she can no longer play host. Haven't gotten to that point yet...

I can say that I love my sister. Though I use her, manipulate her, and used to treat her horribly when we were younger, I do love her. It's controlling, and very selfish, empty in feeling, and always has to work out in my favor, but I do love her. I don't ever get the "warm" and "tingly" feeling around her, but there is a joy that I experience, almost the same joy I experience when I am hurting someone.

Through writing this, I realized my behavior acts out when I am not near her. Now that I am closer to her my impulses have calmed. I'm going to see my sister next coming weekend. I do miss being around her. It's nice to not have to act around someone, to let parts of my walls down. Looking forward to seeing her, and her waste of skin, air, and space husband XD.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Female sociopaths and the "no hard feelings" approach

A sociopath reader describes how she breaks up with people so as not to turn them into vengeance seeking liabilities:
Once I got to college and had my fair share of boyfriends that I was less than serious about, I had a method to dumping them. I was in a particularly demanding academic department and I usually had 2 jobs and a couple of activities that I kept up with, so for as long as it took, I would always be busy and tired and have my mind on something else. I was always very apologetic about it. "I'm so sorry- I know you wanted me to go, but this is due tomorrow, and I've had to work 2 shifts today so I couldn't even look at it yet. I promise you'll have my full attention for 2 hours tomorrow night." I'd keep my promise, but fall asleep on his couch during our time together. I was very patient with this, as it could take weeks, but it was worth it. Ultimately, they would decide to break it off (because I wasn't much fun as a girlfriend), and they'd always feel really bad about it since I'd obviously been trying so hard to be as wonderful as I could be.

When they did it dry-eyed, I'd cry just a little (even pretending to cry makes me feel...beneath myself) and do the whole, "but I really like you" bit. They'd then take my hand, put they're arm around me, etc and explain that they liked me too, it just wasn't working out, blah blah. I'd act like I was being all strong and conciliatory, and accept with an "I understand, (*sniff* *sweet-innocent eyes*) can we still be friends?" Always a "yes".

If he cried when doing it, I would hold him and be the most wonderfully understanding person. "I get it. You are probably right. I just can't be a good girlfriend right now." "No- you are a good girlfriend, I just-" "It's okay. I'm right here- you don't have to be sad. If you want to see me, just walk the same two blocks you did today and yesterday. We can still be friends, right?"

Then, the most important step...
I'd tell one very big-mouthed person in our mutual friend group that I'm sad, but I understand and, like a good girl-friend, they'd always say something disparaging about the guy. I'd stop her, very seriously and tell her that he is a really good guy blah blah. Then, if someone came up to me and asked about it, I'd say the same stuff- giving the appearance of a stiff-upper lip and utter respect for the guy. That crap always gets back to them. If I ran into them, I gave them sweet, sad smiles and was as nice as could be. And now, years later, they are super nice to me and always act around me like the are trying to make up for something. No hard feelings. Just useful ones. :)
I think this shows an interesting adaptation of the female sociopath. The female needs to seem emotional (even better needy and weak!) to fit into society, so the female sociopath pretends to be these things in order to not stir the pot needlessly. A female sociopath in a relationship, unlike most male sociopaths in relationships, would also be physically less dominant than her partner. This might make her even more careful to avoid hard feelings, so as not to provoke a physical attack.

I think female sociopath adaptations are fascinating. I really wonder why there hasn't been more extensive research on them, apart from the obvious reasons that they aren't in prison (the psychological world's equivalent of deep pockets) and don't seem to suit the sociopath stereotypes (confirmation bias).

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Mistreated

A doctor believes that sociopaths might be discriminated against in a treatment setting.

The defiant or untrustworthy patient — the alleged sociopath — suffers a similar fate. Everyone “knows” that sociopaths are liars and manipulators, cannot be trusted and need to be treated with an iron fist. The fact that lying and manipulating exist on a continuum of severity and can at least have semiproductive uses (Congress, are you listening?) is obscured by moral outrage.
And so the doctor’s determination not to lose a contest of wills undermines the opportunity to have successful discussions about treatment. The patient instantly senses that the doctor distrusts and dislikes him, and this, coupled with the patient’s lack of respect toward authority figures, leads to a rapidly deteriorating situation, often ending in a discharge against medical advice — much to the team’s relief.

There was an interesting House, MD episode titled "Remorse" that highlighted this very issue, in which a doctor really does refuse to treat a patient properly after discovering the patient is a sociopath. The doctor on House instead becomes obsessed with outting the patient as a sociopath. Of course true sociopaths could hide that aspect of their personality from their doctors pretty convincingly in most situations. The tricky balance is being honest enough to get the right treatment for the right symptoms without revealing your identity or otherwise making people very angry at you.
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