Saturday, September 18, 2010

Bad romance

I thought this was an interesting email from a reader regarding a recent relationship with a successful, powerbroker sociopath. There are a lot of stories about sociopaths wanting to scam or ruin the people they are in relationships with, but what about the sociopath who already seemingly has it all? What does s/he get out of the relationship? Could it be that a successful sociopath merely enjoys someone else's company? Or appreciates a fresh perspective, a companion who is "game" to try new things? And of course the question that has even less satisfactory answers, why would a "normal" person want to be with someone "abnormal" like that?
I am wondering if you can give me some insight. I've been involved with a man in a secretive relationship for two years. I'm married and so is he, although he strangely has a separate house in the same town. But pushing morality aside, here are the straight facts:

He is a highly successful and manipulative business magnate. He controls corporations, people, money, you name it. He has ruthlessly succeeded in business for two decades and while he no longer needs to work, he gets off on the associated drama. He loves the thrill of a fast take-over or money made quickly and effectively, regardless of what other corporation or career goes down in the process. He is the type of man you would never wish to cross in business or life. He's an eye for an eye kind of guy, and will do everything in his own power to see that 'justice' happens. Never with violence, but quietly and effectively.

He was married for almost ten years, but found he wasn't good at it. He has disowned his grown son. He is, however, loyal to a small group of friends he has known for many years. They have a roaring good time in business and life. Their unique views are similar.

But let's cut to the chase. He is the hottest, most passionate lover I have ever known. He is insanely erotic, but dominant at all times in the bedroom. Not S&M, but simply put, he is always in control. He holds intense eye contact during sex and is a deeply passionate kisser. But if not in the throws of passion, he is not remotely touchy-feely. He can be as cold as ice, but when he is hot, he's the hottest thing I've ever known - or will ever know.

I have struggled over the past couple of years to know whether he simply withholds emotion, because of the illicit nature of our relationship or because he is a true S or P (likely P in his case). At times I have felt that he loves me insanely, and at other times I question whether he knows how to play me to get what he wants.

Additional info... He admits to:

Lacking compassion
Not understanding people
Being awkward, despite his extreme charisma
Paranoia
Uncomfortable living with anyone
Secretive
Self-serving financially

There are many more things, but for the sake of privacy, I won't publish them here. Suffice to say, he'd get a gold star on the Hare check-list.

When I steal affection from him that isn't in the heat of the moment, he sweetly goes along, but in short order, he must soon pull away. I actually don't mind. I understand what his boundaries are. He was gentle but clear when he admitted that emotional and physical intimacy make him awkward. And yet, this man who professes to be awkward around people pursued me relentlessly for many months before landing me in the sack. I gave him every reason why we would and should never be together, but every argument I presented was counteracted with the most artful and intriguing response. It was an escalating and erotic debate that pulled me across moral boundaries I'd not crossed before. I caved, and I am no push-over. And two years out, I find that I've accepted personality traits I would never have accepted in the past, and I feel deep love and acceptance for him.

Empaths see the world through rose-colored glasses. Not this guy. He's taught me lessons in life that no normal person could possibly teach. We are in an insanely unique relationship and our cerebral connection is extreme. We spend hours discussing everything imaginable, including his highly checkered past. We also share a mutual zest for life and I don't judge or seek to change him. For clear and obvious reasons, I should fear him, but I don't. Through him I find clarity. I don't ever enrage him. I've learned patience, control and understanding like never before. I love him unconditionally and I loathe to admit that my interaction with my antisocial has made me a better person.

Tell me something: Can a sociopath truly love another, in their own way? He has never been unkind or cruel to me. He is brutally honest about who and what he is, although I've never asked him directly if he is a psychopath. I think I'm afraid of the blunt response that might be forthcoming. He does admit to being antisocial.

I sometimes think that if he is a P or S that he's hit the pot of gold in the relationship world. I have accepted every unique, wonderful and dark thing about him. I just want to know what I'm dealing with. I'm not even sure I would run if he is a sociopath. I get so much out of the relationship, in terms of intelligent and shrewd conversation and hot sex, that I seem compelled to stay for my own selfish reasons.

Thanks for any advice/thoughts/analysis you may have. I figure it's best to get it straight from the horse's mouth.
The same reader wrote me this update:
We have since split up. It was a tricky break-up for me, but clean for him. He brought down the hatchet quickly, and I didn't have a moment to respond. It took a couple of months, but he finally made contact and we have departed on good terms.

When I wrote the original letter, I was pretty sure of what I was dealing with, and I've researched more since then, and hung around this board. I no longer question what he is, and sadly, I better understand his capacity to feel the same things that I feel. But I'd love to hear feedback, particularly now that it is definitively over. But the 'over' was done with class and style from both sides, despite the chilling and brutal silence before-hand.

And finally, please tell me, is it ever really done with a psychopath? I should wish and hope for that, but sadly, I miss the excitement. I miss the ride. I miss the wild and hot sex and I miss him. Maybe I'm just a sucker with my own issues and low boredom threshold, complete with the need for drama and entertainment, but I loved the bastard. Truly, I did. It would be easier to feel anger after his abrupt dismissal, but I don't and will never fault him for what he is. And for what he is, he's damn good at it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Compensated sociopaths?

A reader sent me this link about "compensated sociopaths," which includes excerpts from the book "The Emptied Soul," by Adolf Guggenbühl-Craig.
Individuals approaching the psychopathic extreme are not totally wanting in morality, but they do sense a weakness, an awareness that something is missing, which frightens them. They also suspect that their love is not all it could or should be. In order to adapt they begin to compensate for these deficiencies by becoming morally rigid.

Since compensated psychopaths cannot depend upon eros, their egos work out a moral system which is fool-proof in any and every situation. The result, as paradoxical as it may seem, is usually a well-developed morality with an emphasis upon the ego's role but woefully lacking in love.

Compensated psychopaths have played significant parts in society and in history. The more psychopathic compensated psychopaths are - in other words the more they have to compensate - the more sinister they are. All the Nazi functionaries who administered the concentration camps and supervised the destruction of thousands and thousands of human beings; all of Stalin's subordinates who, during the time of the Soviet purges, directed the arrests and deaths of innumerable individuals; all of Mao's minions who so efficiently effected the disappearance of large portions of the Chinese population -certainly all of these people were compensated psychopaths.

I am reminded of Adolf Eichmann (the German Nazi official who as head of the Gestapo's Jewish section was chiefly responsible as the organizer of the "Final Solution"), a man who was relatively conscientious and dependable. Not a devilish moster, he was rather a classic example of a compensated psychopath whose conscientiousness was greater than that of most individuals. He loyally and admirably carried out the "duty," of exterminating his fellow humans, but his very dedication to "duty," expressing his own alienation in this world, vented so heinously his hate towards all human beings who were not like him. The commandant of a concentration camp wrote in his diary at the close of the war: "It is very sad that I can no longer fill my daily quotas in the gas chambers. I have neither enough staff nor enough supplies. Every night I go to bed with a nagging conscience, because I have been unable to do my duty." We can see how conscientious this man was. A classic, compensated psychopath, he had a strong, rigid, "moral" system but not the slightest sense of eros. The morality which sought to replace the missing eros turned into a farce becoming a caricature.

Compensated psychopaths are probably the most reliable supporters of a dictatorial regime, the emphasis being upon "compensated." A dictator would not function surrounded only with "pure" psychopaths -his regime would achieve nothing, eventually collapsing in utter chaos. A dictator's subordinates have to be conscientious and obedient -in a word, compensated psychopaths.
Some of this rings true to me, particularly the beginning. I am not sure about the conjecture regarding historical figures. I believe that mob mentality and the pressure to conform can be enough to convert an average, weak-willed citizen into a monster. I also think the degree of conformity amongst the masses in the regimes mentioned were too high to be filled entirely from the classes of "compensated psychopaths." Still, I can see how this might lead some to initiate moral crusades, whether as big as the Inquisition, or as small as Qur'an burning or throwing acid in someone's face.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sociopaths in literature: Parolles

Parolles is from Shakespeare's "All's well that ends well," a play arguably about what lengths people will go to to survive according to their own terms. When Parolles (whose name means "words") has been unmasked as a scoundrel, he displays both self-knowledge and a lack of remorse when he asserts, "Simply the thing I am/ Shall make me live. . . ./There’s place and means for every man alive" (All’s Well, IV.iii.333-349).

Friday, September 10, 2010

Meeting expectations, playing on biases

I have been corresponding with the transwoman sociopath. I asked her:

I wanted to ask how has your gender or perceived gender influenced the way you act or interact with the world as sociopath. Do you find yourself hiding behind your transgender identity like a shield? In other words, if authority or government types give you a hard time, you'll just scream discrimination? Sexual harassment? Gender discrimination? Do you find it easier to hide as a sociopath being out as transgendered? For instance, I don't like being around people that others think should be just like me (same race, gender, background, religion, etc.) because I feel like they are expecting certain things, are on the lookout for any sort of deviance for those expectations. If I am around people different from me, they just see me as an "other," a stereotype, like the old joke, white people can't tell black people apart, black people can't tell asians apart, asians can't tell latinos apart, etc. When people see you, is all they see "woman" or "transgendered"? Do you use that expectation to your advantage?

She responded:
I would suggest my gender comes mainly into play for its quirkiness. I'm a fairly odd person and when I meet/interact with someone I'll be almost entirely dominant in conversation and will twist their points and pressure them throughout to watch them squirm about a bit. It becomes especially noticeable when I make it seem as if they have been transphobic or in some way offensive to me because they try to work back through their statements apologizing for the wrongs present in each one.

I'm very direct, blunt, sarcastic and piercingly logical. My dominance stems mainly from the way I turn peoples concepts upon themselves and make people feel rather stupid in the mean time. I am definitely more cautious around transgendered people for the reasons you stated. I do enjoy spending time with trans people though, even if only to study them more so that I can feign a good trans experience that isn't necessarily tied into anything sociopathic in nature.

Being sociopathic is easily hidden when I mention the "horrible" childhood I grew up with though. How much pain and suffering I went through is a sure fire way of getting people to not question my aggressive verbal domination and obvious manipulative discussions. But thats mainly because I nestle myself nicely into small groups of empaths, mainly the local queer community who are more than happy to let me into their friend circle and forgive my wrongs because they stem from such unspeakable trauma. I keep making reference to my scapegoat story of my childhood, I find this works well in most situations because people assume it is the cause of my darker nature and dominance as well as my transgenderism.

What I wrote above is not always the case though. Occasionally when I meet a particularly empathetic empath I will meet with them in private and have long emotional discussions with them in essence "pouring my heart out" while they diligently listen and feel dreadfully sorry for me. I listen to their life's story and usually delve deeper and deeper into their empathic root if the have one. For example a lot of them were sexually abused or raped by family members when they were younger, each time I met them I'd ask more about it and I pretty much always get an answer eventually. From "who was it?", "do you still see them?" all the way to "describe it how you remember" and listening to them intricately recount the memories that hurt them so. It gives me ammunition as well as an enjoyable time watching them cry and talk about things they don't want to remember, It makes me look like the caring friend that will always be there for them and who they can trust with anything that hurts them. So when I break that trust it makes it all the more cutting.

I'd say that my methods and aims are fairly female in type. I work almost entirely in mental methods to achieve almost entirely mental aims. I find these relationships with people I would consider strong empaths to be my favorite. They usually last a longer period of time, they fulfill my thirst for knowledge, they play perfectly into my hand to toy with and they give the strongest reactions whilst showing the most hurt . . . and they almost always come back and let me do it again.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Empath raised by a sociopath mother

From a reader:

I am writing to solicit a general opinion, perhaps begin a dialog. I seek information to help me become functional.

My biological mother is a sociopath, the "reputation preserving" kind, found a highly empathic "bulldozer"/dominant man, had three children with him (I am the eldest), and abused him into success past his desires or nature. Before gaining sufficient insight, I would say "my parents really should not have had kids"; simply put, these two would not "mate" in the wild and I have a host of mis-matched genes and medical issues to prove it.

My high empathy coupled with intelligence and a completely neglectful/abusive mother has left with me a "debillitatingly deep" understanding of humanity (and a psych degree didn't help either). "Sociopathic type" thinking (outside the box, seeking the cracks in the system) coupled with "empathic data" (I feel what they feel or at least know what they're feeling) means I know far far too much about another person, especially their own self-deception, especially the opinions they have of themselves or others that they might not even know themselves. I can easily "spot" lack-of-empathy types, as well as intelligent manipulative empaths. I do not have sufficient data to claim if I can "spot" a sociopath or not, but I would find the challenge interesting. Whatever else, to me, there is a sub-group of people that present excellent performances but, when considered fully (my empathy with body language analysis, etc.), there are "holes" in the performances. I perceive most people as at least 2 or 3 "layers"; I see through the masks.

While I have this "empathic wetware", I am inherently rational. I write to you because, unlike those on your site, I am "non functional". I have three degrees but no career or financial stability. I can make women feel instantly comfortable (too comfortable), counsel them to find other men but am incapable of attracting one myself; I have never had a girlfriend. The only time I can get laid is with sufficient booze to shut off my rational brain and seek out the nearest mountain troll.

I have developed "a program" that enables minimum social contact to prevent the madness of isolation until my father contracted cancer. I expended all my resources in an attempt to save him and keep myself on an even keel; my mother altered the will at the last minute
; she has won, I am broke with no good prospects for employment. This is a problem as previously I was "lucking out" from 3 major father-linked investments which provided the finances necessary to fuel my development.

Now I must survive in a different way, and am inherently rational, and whatever this "new way" is, I am still trying to figure out what that might be. Your site provides one possible way with some aspects, I think, to be emulated and used. Yet, when you feel another's hurt or pain, as they feel it, perhaps more so, this makes navigating the empathic world... difficult. The idea I use is that of shooting Bambi. In order for hunters to survive and kill furry woodland creatures to eat, is it not highly adaptive NOT to feel said creature's pain?

So.... do you have defenses against unwanted emotional stimuli that I might copy and use? Are there any questions I can answer about "empaths" and their ways? [I feel more deeply than they do, but I am not ruled by emotions; I choose rationality]. I have been to 53 countries and experience the full gamut of people's emotions as you describe as one of your goals, as a "sommelier". To me, human emotions are like wine - mostly the same broad stroaks but a whole range of possibility (see: 53 countries). A purely rational friend has dubbed me a "human to human dictionary". Those who are completely integrated (thoughts, feelings, behaviour) are like "cool glasses of water" as they can be taken at their word, they are relaxing. Everyone else presents some form of "red noise" or bullcrap to navigate through.

Whatever else, hopefully this email has been somewhat interesting.

"Martin McDonald"
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