Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
What once was lost
There are all sorts of weird side effects of my condition. For instance, I have a genius for finding things things that other people have lost. If I know a person well enough, I have a pretty accurate idea of the way their mind works -- I have all the formulas and patterns that explain the bulk of their behavior, I just need to plug in a certain unknowns to get a very accurate prediction of their future or present behavior. The only time normal people really see this at work is when I am helping them find something that they lost (sometimes emotionally, but in this case physically).
I recently received important mail at work that had been misplaced. Many people had remembered seeing it. Even I remembered seeing it on a particular surface. I casually questioned people, narrowed it down to a few leads, asked a few more questions -- this time hypothetical questions all based around what could have happened to the mail. Within 30 minutes of discovering that the mail was missing, I was able to locate it in a specific trash can in the office before it got emptied.
My most impressive "find," though, didn't involve any questions at all. I was on vacation with friends. At the airport, one of these friends was concerned that he had lost his glasses -- he had apparently been looking for them all morning, and they could have been anywhere. When I heard about it I immediately asked him, did you check in the top of the cooler? He looked, there they were. How did I know? I just know this person very well: very concerned about glasses, no glass case, safe and secure pouch in the top of the cooler, if I were him (and i mean actually him, not just if *i* were in his position) that is where I would have put the glasses. Sometimes I am amazed that people aren't able to do this for even their own selves.
It's a little thing to find some physical object that is lost, but I think it's illustrative of how scarily accurate my knowledge of someone can be. This hyper-awareness of others must be a primary distinction between us and those on the autism spectrum or the narcissists, or as you will see it on many diagnostic criteria, "charming and seductive." And yet society still loves aspies more (I feel my cain-complex flaring up again).
I recently received important mail at work that had been misplaced. Many people had remembered seeing it. Even I remembered seeing it on a particular surface. I casually questioned people, narrowed it down to a few leads, asked a few more questions -- this time hypothetical questions all based around what could have happened to the mail. Within 30 minutes of discovering that the mail was missing, I was able to locate it in a specific trash can in the office before it got emptied.
My most impressive "find," though, didn't involve any questions at all. I was on vacation with friends. At the airport, one of these friends was concerned that he had lost his glasses -- he had apparently been looking for them all morning, and they could have been anywhere. When I heard about it I immediately asked him, did you check in the top of the cooler? He looked, there they were. How did I know? I just know this person very well: very concerned about glasses, no glass case, safe and secure pouch in the top of the cooler, if I were him (and i mean actually him, not just if *i* were in his position) that is where I would have put the glasses. Sometimes I am amazed that people aren't able to do this for even their own selves.
It's a little thing to find some physical object that is lost, but I think it's illustrative of how scarily accurate my knowledge of someone can be. This hyper-awareness of others must be a primary distinction between us and those on the autism spectrum or the narcissists, or as you will see it on many diagnostic criteria, "charming and seductive." And yet society still loves aspies more (I feel my cain-complex flaring up again).
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Speeding through the turns
Sometimes when I am driving I want to take chances, drive aggressively, get a rush. I want to push the limits, I want to feel the danger. I don't choose to speed, though. or I don't speed in the straightaways. I think that is too obvious, and I'd be worried about getting a speeding ticket or worse. Speeding is so cut and dry a rule that it is very apparent when people are breaking it. Going excessively fast through a turn, though, you get all of the rush you're after, without obviously breaking any rule. Those little signs giving the suggested speed for a turn are just that -- suggestions. And even if they weren't, the turns go too quick for anyone to clock you. There is obviously still the chance of losing control, harm and injury to yourself or others, but that is what you are after, why you are doing it in the first place. This is the appeal of speeding through turns -- smaller likelihood of getting caught, or least having a decent excuse if you do get caught: you didn't expect the turn to be so sharp, you are unfamiliar with this stretch of road, you did not see the warning signs. It is harder to explain away something like extreme speeding.
I feel like I live my life this way. I don't tend to explicitly break rules. Rather I look for loopholes, areas of exploitation in the social fabric. I want to have a ready made excuse when I get caught. I try to have the bad things I do intentionally be things that other people do mistakenly or accidentally.
Maybe this is why I don't feel fear -- I always have an escape plan. I've had a doctor try to diagnose me with anxiety disorder before based on this obsession with escape and certain physical markers. I thought it was laughably inaccurate when I heard it -- I have such a low fear response, never get nervous, a healthy death wish, etc. But the more I thought about it, I realized that I do get anxious, particularly in crowds or with strangers, something that I had always credited to my fear of mobs or clear vision of the horrors of which seemingly "normal" people are capable. But I wonder if this is just indicative of a very healthy survival instinct, something that has largely become obsolete in the modern world of few avoidable hazards, but something that still has great use for someone like me. Maybe even the secret to my success.
I feel like I live my life this way. I don't tend to explicitly break rules. Rather I look for loopholes, areas of exploitation in the social fabric. I want to have a ready made excuse when I get caught. I try to have the bad things I do intentionally be things that other people do mistakenly or accidentally.
Maybe this is why I don't feel fear -- I always have an escape plan. I've had a doctor try to diagnose me with anxiety disorder before based on this obsession with escape and certain physical markers. I thought it was laughably inaccurate when I heard it -- I have such a low fear response, never get nervous, a healthy death wish, etc. But the more I thought about it, I realized that I do get anxious, particularly in crowds or with strangers, something that I had always credited to my fear of mobs or clear vision of the horrors of which seemingly "normal" people are capable. But I wonder if this is just indicative of a very healthy survival instinct, something that has largely become obsolete in the modern world of few avoidable hazards, but something that still has great use for someone like me. Maybe even the secret to my success.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Sociopath quote of the day: outplay
"You might get lucky and beat me, but you'll never outplay me."
-- Chris Ferguson, a.k.a. Jesus, poker champion
-- Chris Ferguson, a.k.a. Jesus, poker champion
Friday, June 4, 2010
Thoughts on versatility
The versatility of the human personality is far, far underestimated. We're raised to believe and to put faith in the fact that people are special, that we have some greater meaning of life, and that we serve some purpose of design. Growing up is a process of finding out that it's all bunk; that we really are just animals with animalistic goals and with animal desires. However, by the time we realize this about our lives, we've already spent a long time carefully dividing our conscious from our sub-conscious, instinct from fitting into the social norm, and being socially accepted from being happy. Suppression (sexual as Freud would say) causes the intricacies of the personality to develop through adolescence. Any empath or emotional being would tell you that this separation somehow makes them special. That these intricacies make them unique. In reality, each suppression is met by a compensation of the subconscious, and each compensation is predetermined in our chemical make-up. Jung would call this the collective unconscious, where similar human traits, natures, instincts etc are stored.
What any empath would call a soul, originality, or spirit, the sociopath and reality would call instinct, function, and science. Having no delusions of purpose, the sociopath mind is unclouded by such "human" or "spiritual" demands and simply functions. This function illustrates with regularity what myths and universal themes illustrate on a sociological scale. The sociopath puts people into classifications and predicts their actions as a creation myth presents symbolic representations of the developmental standards that people follow. Recurring themes in stories are recurring subconscious traits. These themes are not coincidence, nor are they when they are implemented on a singular scale.
The sociopath has a very real grasp of reality minus the symbolism. They understand that life as they know it is here for them, their happiness, and their well-being. They never lose too much sight of their instinct because they never try too hard to suppress it. This lack of suppression leaves the aspects of their personality already intact. So while other people are going off discovering their subconcious, and inner self, sociopaths are using their desire for finding meaning and their self deception as a tool to get what they want. This selfishness is not bad, but simply the only good that people can ever really hope to achieve with their life.
While the Empath desperately clings to belief, faith, love, God, meaning and other such trite and worthless sentimentalities, the sociopath has reacted already as nature simply intended them to do. Those who really grow up, grow up to realize that they are merely an assorted amount of traits, factors and actions that nature designed specifically to react specifically to promote life. Those who suppress more of themselves have more sub-conscious reactions, easily exploited.
Versatility is something we are all capable of. The traits compiled by nature are predetermined. Any time you suppress a conscious desire, you replace it with a subconscious reaction. And vice versa. Any time something consciously unbearable happens, your subconscious compensates. Neuroses, compulsions, etc. are examples of sick, overly suppressed minds. Perhaps the healthy versatility of the sociopath is an example of a healthy mind, and the goal in the long run is simply to figure out that it all really meant nothing. Perhaps the sociopath is just farther advanced, or more "naturally" balanced.
What any empath would call a soul, originality, or spirit, the sociopath and reality would call instinct, function, and science. Having no delusions of purpose, the sociopath mind is unclouded by such "human" or "spiritual" demands and simply functions. This function illustrates with regularity what myths and universal themes illustrate on a sociological scale. The sociopath puts people into classifications and predicts their actions as a creation myth presents symbolic representations of the developmental standards that people follow. Recurring themes in stories are recurring subconscious traits. These themes are not coincidence, nor are they when they are implemented on a singular scale.
The sociopath has a very real grasp of reality minus the symbolism. They understand that life as they know it is here for them, their happiness, and their well-being. They never lose too much sight of their instinct because they never try too hard to suppress it. This lack of suppression leaves the aspects of their personality already intact. So while other people are going off discovering their subconcious, and inner self, sociopaths are using their desire for finding meaning and their self deception as a tool to get what they want. This selfishness is not bad, but simply the only good that people can ever really hope to achieve with their life.
While the Empath desperately clings to belief, faith, love, God, meaning and other such trite and worthless sentimentalities, the sociopath has reacted already as nature simply intended them to do. Those who really grow up, grow up to realize that they are merely an assorted amount of traits, factors and actions that nature designed specifically to react specifically to promote life. Those who suppress more of themselves have more sub-conscious reactions, easily exploited.
Versatility is something we are all capable of. The traits compiled by nature are predetermined. Any time you suppress a conscious desire, you replace it with a subconscious reaction. And vice versa. Any time something consciously unbearable happens, your subconscious compensates. Neuroses, compulsions, etc. are examples of sick, overly suppressed minds. Perhaps the healthy versatility of the sociopath is an example of a healthy mind, and the goal in the long run is simply to figure out that it all really meant nothing. Perhaps the sociopath is just farther advanced, or more "naturally" balanced.
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