Sunday, January 24, 2010

Love-ish (part 2)

A response to my reply, from yesterday's post. (The reader requested specifically that I not edit the exchange for publication):
Ok I can see why someone with this disorder would want to feel love and have a relationship, but would you say that the type of love they are feeling is purely a selfish type of love. If we are going to accept the diagnosis of what sociopathic personality disorder is, then this person cannot form attachments and they cannot have the depth of emotion that would create real love (not because they don't want to, but because they are just not able too), and without real love and true concern (empathy) for the other person, would a relationship ever truly work? So, if they want love they want it for how it makes them feel, correct? Falling in love, making someone feel loved, and having it mirrored back to you is euphoric, and probably a high that most can see as a form of power to use. Maybe this is the attraction some sociopaths see in pursuing relationships. It is solely about what they are getting out of it. They cannot give back what is needed to make the other person fulfilled in terms of emotions. It would think it would end up being a selfish, one-sided relationship. Am I wrong?
M.E.:
I think all love has an element of selfishness to it, and that all love has an element of selflessness as well. What is real love? If sociopaths can't feel "real love," is their love valid? Empaths try this argument on me all the time. I think it is elitist. It is like the French complaining that the Chinese don't know how to drink wine because they cut it with lemon-lime carbonated beverages. Relationships with sociopaths seem to work. It's hard maybe, and it certainly is different, but people seem to be able to pull it off. I don't necessarily disagree with you on why sociopaths choose to love in the first place, but I think to say it is selfish and one-sided would be like saying traditional marriage of husband breadwinner and wife homemaker is one-sided -- maybe it is, but which is the beneficiary?

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Love-ish (part 1)

A conversation with a reader begins thusly: "Does sociopathic behavior in an individual come from intense feelings of rejection from childhood? Could the lack of feelings or attachments to anything or anyone be a defense mechanism? And if they truly cannot feel love in the true sense of the word, why do they seek and pursue relationships?" My response:
Sociopaths feel love, just differently. I guess it would be like asking, why would blind people ever watch TV? But they do, they enjoy it for different reasons than you might, and sociopaths too find something worthwhile in love and relationships, not surprisingly. I would actually be more surprised to learn that there was any person who was completely uninterested in having some sort of a meaningful relationship. (Except maybe schizoids.)

With regard to your other question, I think most people now believe that there is a genetic connection to sociopathy, but that gene can either be turned on or not by environmental factors, e.g., as a defense mechanism, just like you say.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Demons

Explaining the influence of demons in Rio de Janeiro gang warfare:
Pastor Sidney explained how it was he could see demons: "People who are possessed tend to look at a fixed point and have a coldness around them -- their eyes don't blink. The persons themselves are absent." Whenever he saw them, he would "ask Jesus to take them, and the angels come and grab the demon from them." It also helped, he said, to invoke the name of the Lord. "Traditional religious faith helps ground you, as do demonstrations of God's power."

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Another sociopath story (part 4)

But let me end with a list of unresolved issues... I wouldn't like to give an image of someone who thinks they're so fucking awesome that all their problems are solved. As a matter of fact, I often torture myself. Wearing new masks and constantly adopting new personas pushes the envelope. My impersonations are increasingly demanding, and I'm often confronted with the limitations of what I can know/do/say. I regularly experience failure trying to pull it off, and I've lost friends and allies because I've either (1) chosen to be the wrong person, (2) gave a poor, sloppy performance without studying the part, or (3) locked myself into a role that was too demanding, almost exhausting for the long run, so I had to make a messy "exit." I also lack long-term plans, which is frustrating. I can plan for the short term, maybe up to 1-2 years in the future, but then I'm lost. I don't know whether I should be married and have kids, succeed in the corporate world, settle down or maintain my independence. Without a clear "dream," I constantly feel unprepared and confused. I dare not choose any specific vision, because I know I'm gonna be bored and abandon it before I get a chance to see it to fruition. So far I have remained a student, which has given me time to satisfy my curiosity and has prevented me from committing to any particular "life," but soon I'll have to make tough choices. Finally, I am terrified of sickness. Death, I can deal with. But being incapacitated, in pain, and looking pitiful in the eyes of total douchebags, I cannot bear. Hence, I tend to overreact to minor pains and overly worry about my health.

Well... I think this is the most sincere thing I've written... ever. I totally get why you feel the urge to "out" yourself to people. I very much feel the same way. I wish people were less blind. I get frustrated when I throw characteristically sociopathic opinions their way (e.g., "everyone wants to be manipulated and lied to") and they respond thoughtfully, yet failing to make any further inferences about me. They may think I'm cute, funny, maybe a little eccentric, but as long as I am not holding a knife they're happy believing I'm like them. As such, your blog is truly invaluable. Thanks M.E.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Another sociopath story (part 3)

As far as friends and lovers go, I have to admit I tend to experience most of my relationships as power games. I don't know if this is actually common, but I suspect it should be. I readily perceive the balance of power, I ask myself how far I can control and dictate behavior in others, and I'm overly sensitive to their attempts to control me. I use many techniques to secure power. Emotional people who are strong-willed are terribly sensitive to histrionics, for instance, whereas emotional people who are ultimately weak are better stunned by a display of swagger and cruelty that creates awe and submissiveness in them. I really "feed" off people's emotions and enjoy gaining their trust and devotion. I particularly enjoy leading them to make choices that run against their principles... in their efforts to reconcile their beliefs with their actions, they convince themselves that their love of me is so strong and noble that they courageously have shattered their principles to be "true to their hearts." (Ridiculous, isn't it?) Needless to say they then perceive me as "exciting" and "unique," and attach themselves even more to me, which leads to even worse acts of self-humiliation and submissiveness.

Furthermore, I really cannot maintain a monogamous loving relationship. I've tried... with wonderful people that were smart, engaging, funny, and devoted. Nowadays, it's a matter of weeks till I'm utterly bored and start fucking other people, including their best friends. My sexuality is as flexible as the rest of my personality, so I can be straight, gay, aggressive, romantic, a fucked-up jerk or an innocent dork. I am not extremely good-looking (though I keep healthy and in shape) but I've had several simultaneous parallel relationships. Some of my partners even knew about my other affairs and were totally fine with it, even when I asked them "Do you realize I'm just using you till I'm bored?" I have thus developed a moderate contempt of romantic relationships and their special nature, and tend to view them as a basic need (like food, sleep and sex) that people are willing to go to any lengths to secure.

Finally, as far as hiding goes, I have the best mask of all: nervousness. Nobody (really, nobody) thinks you're a bad or "dangerous" person when you're nervous. Bite your lips or fingernails, appear shy and clumsy, look innocent and act lost and out-of-place, and the worst you're gonna be perceived as is "incompetent," maybe a "loser." Furthermore, a person who seems incapable of controlling their anxiety is almost always trusted. No one believes that someone lacking the ability to pull themselves together can actually scheme and manipulate situations, or even be mildly strategic.
Join Amazon Prime - Watch Over 40,000 Movies

.

Comments are unmoderated. Blog owner is not responsible for third party content. By leaving comments on the blog, commenters give license to the blog owner to reprint attributed comments in any form.