Sunday, January 17, 2010

Another sociopath story (part 4)

But let me end with a list of unresolved issues... I wouldn't like to give an image of someone who thinks they're so fucking awesome that all their problems are solved. As a matter of fact, I often torture myself. Wearing new masks and constantly adopting new personas pushes the envelope. My impersonations are increasingly demanding, and I'm often confronted with the limitations of what I can know/do/say. I regularly experience failure trying to pull it off, and I've lost friends and allies because I've either (1) chosen to be the wrong person, (2) gave a poor, sloppy performance without studying the part, or (3) locked myself into a role that was too demanding, almost exhausting for the long run, so I had to make a messy "exit." I also lack long-term plans, which is frustrating. I can plan for the short term, maybe up to 1-2 years in the future, but then I'm lost. I don't know whether I should be married and have kids, succeed in the corporate world, settle down or maintain my independence. Without a clear "dream," I constantly feel unprepared and confused. I dare not choose any specific vision, because I know I'm gonna be bored and abandon it before I get a chance to see it to fruition. So far I have remained a student, which has given me time to satisfy my curiosity and has prevented me from committing to any particular "life," but soon I'll have to make tough choices. Finally, I am terrified of sickness. Death, I can deal with. But being incapacitated, in pain, and looking pitiful in the eyes of total douchebags, I cannot bear. Hence, I tend to overreact to minor pains and overly worry about my health.

Well... I think this is the most sincere thing I've written... ever. I totally get why you feel the urge to "out" yourself to people. I very much feel the same way. I wish people were less blind. I get frustrated when I throw characteristically sociopathic opinions their way (e.g., "everyone wants to be manipulated and lied to") and they respond thoughtfully, yet failing to make any further inferences about me. They may think I'm cute, funny, maybe a little eccentric, but as long as I am not holding a knife they're happy believing I'm like them. As such, your blog is truly invaluable. Thanks M.E.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Another sociopath story (part 3)

As far as friends and lovers go, I have to admit I tend to experience most of my relationships as power games. I don't know if this is actually common, but I suspect it should be. I readily perceive the balance of power, I ask myself how far I can control and dictate behavior in others, and I'm overly sensitive to their attempts to control me. I use many techniques to secure power. Emotional people who are strong-willed are terribly sensitive to histrionics, for instance, whereas emotional people who are ultimately weak are better stunned by a display of swagger and cruelty that creates awe and submissiveness in them. I really "feed" off people's emotions and enjoy gaining their trust and devotion. I particularly enjoy leading them to make choices that run against their principles... in their efforts to reconcile their beliefs with their actions, they convince themselves that their love of me is so strong and noble that they courageously have shattered their principles to be "true to their hearts." (Ridiculous, isn't it?) Needless to say they then perceive me as "exciting" and "unique," and attach themselves even more to me, which leads to even worse acts of self-humiliation and submissiveness.

Furthermore, I really cannot maintain a monogamous loving relationship. I've tried... with wonderful people that were smart, engaging, funny, and devoted. Nowadays, it's a matter of weeks till I'm utterly bored and start fucking other people, including their best friends. My sexuality is as flexible as the rest of my personality, so I can be straight, gay, aggressive, romantic, a fucked-up jerk or an innocent dork. I am not extremely good-looking (though I keep healthy and in shape) but I've had several simultaneous parallel relationships. Some of my partners even knew about my other affairs and were totally fine with it, even when I asked them "Do you realize I'm just using you till I'm bored?" I have thus developed a moderate contempt of romantic relationships and their special nature, and tend to view them as a basic need (like food, sleep and sex) that people are willing to go to any lengths to secure.

Finally, as far as hiding goes, I have the best mask of all: nervousness. Nobody (really, nobody) thinks you're a bad or "dangerous" person when you're nervous. Bite your lips or fingernails, appear shy and clumsy, look innocent and act lost and out-of-place, and the worst you're gonna be perceived as is "incompetent," maybe a "loser." Furthermore, a person who seems incapable of controlling their anxiety is almost always trusted. No one believes that someone lacking the ability to pull themselves together can actually scheme and manipulate situations, or even be mildly strategic.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Another sociopath story (part 2)

As for empathy, I used to have traces of it as a teenager but now it seems to have faded into oblivion. (Hence I always wondered if you can turn narcissist/sociopath after the age of 15, yet I've read many times that the onset of both conditions is usually during early childhood.) I do sometimes wonder, however, whether what I now remember as "moments of empathy" was mere self-manipulation. For one, I cannot remember ever crying about anything, besides a single major personal defeat. I never lost my sleep or got anxious about another person, though I've experienced both in relation to my own problems. I have felt anger and even gratitude (or chivalry, if you prefer), I have felt regret and embarrassment, but I haven't felt guilt or remorse to any meaningful degree.

Another awkward thing is... I have never, EVER been depressed in my life. Not a single day. I believe I can evade depression forever because I have a very helpful, well-developed skill: the ability to manipulate myself in erasing memories. I have read many times in your blog that our flexible identities can create fake memories, so I suppose all of us can easily erase memories as well. For example, if I experience a rejection in the context of dating, I can totally "forget" about it, not just dehumanize or attack the credibility and worthiness of my rejector. Complete and utter removal of the unpleasant event from history. Maybe this explains our rumored lack of ability to learn from past mistakes and punishment strategies... maybe we just erase the mistake/punishment from our textbooks and just move on.

Yet, although I do not feel depression/melancholy, I often used to experience emptiness and a lack of identity. "Normal" people seem to have a very static self-image, even when they're not fully aware of it. Their lives have structure and coherence, and they can track their progress over time. (On the flip side, they can get pretty morose if their progress has stalled because of this.) I, on the other hand, can never "settle." I feel I want to be everything and everyone. (And I can!) But very often I have NO IDEA who I really am. Your blog has been extremely helpful in this respect. I now define myself more accurately as the "mask bearer." I am perfectly fine not being "something in particular," but "something that can turn into anything." The only real problem for me now is keeping track of my actual preferences, my real wants, and not overly assimilate the preferences of the persona I'm pretending to be. But I'm getting better at it.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Another sociopath story (part 1)

A reader writes:
I am in my mid twenties, currently a PhD student in a well-known university. I have always been smart, but I shall readily admit I'm a lot less intelligent than (virtually all of) my academic colleagues. I never studied long hours or read heavy books, but I've always been terribly curious... so much that I think curiosity and versatility are my two defining traits.

I've wanted to learn about everything: philosophy, religion, science, psychology, economics, sports, sex, languages... there's nothing in this world that does not interest me to some extent. Yet, I'm almost constantly bored -- out of my mind. I learn and debate issues to stimulate myself with the few people that can "follow," but almost nothing can sustain my interest for more than a few weeks or months, sometimes even minutes.

On a positive note, my curiosity has taught me a wide array of things, which has made me an excellent conversationalist. I can successfully engage people in long discussions on a topic of their preference. Give me any B.S. and I can embellish, package and present it as a brilliant idea. I can support any view and I like playing devil's advocate, even for ideas I could never truly believe in.

Like most of us, I have always known I'm different... I prefer the term "special." Yet I only very recently associated sociopathy with myself. As you've said, the image of the sociopath that people are taught is distorted and hence seemed irrelevant to my own existence. I am not particularly violent, although I am often domineering and aggressive. When I initially came across personality disorders I thought I was a narcissist. The reason is that (1) I have limited empathy, but I'm not completely deprived of it, it just seems to activate selectively and very rarely, and (2) I have always had a grandiose view of myself; I sometimes fantasize about having power to control the world and kill thousands or perform miracles. On the other hand, I never believed in my own fantasies (I maintain a pragmatic view) and I don't desperately need the acceptance and attention that a typical narcissist is supposed to require. Moreover, I am definitely not loud. Maybe I'm a mix of the two, with elements of sociopathy being stronger in some areas of my psyche, and elements of narcissism being stronger in others.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Seducing too well (part 3)

I learned this lesson long ago from being too smart: people will not want to play with you if they feel there's no chance they can win. It's a consequence of being good at games. It's lonely. Being rejected because you're too good is almost as bad as being rejected because you are incompetent. Depending on the situation and the person, there are things you can try to do to make it better. With my crush, I tried to alleviate the nervousness in the same way you'd try to calm an overexcited animal. Slow moves, explaining what you are doing the entire time, telling them there's nothing to worry about, no harm will come. There's a certain amount of shaming that can go into it. I try to make them see how ridiculous it is to be scared of little old me. The whole thing is a lot of work, though, and there's no magic bullet that will set them at ease. This seduction fire is not dying out because of too little oxygen—it's sputtering because there's a heavy wind: too much oxygen.

In my mind this is also a failed seduction. It reminds me of that scene in Pollock where Peggy Guggenheim seduces Pollock only to have him drunkenly ejaculate prematurely. I've come to realize is that anyone, any age, any gender, can show the restraint and judgment of a 12 year-old boy if you set up the seduction wrong.

I made things worse with my crush because I got frustrated and almost disgusted. I pushed the shame tactic too hard. I got traded down for a simpler model, not just shelved but back-shelved. It has taken months of soothing tones and being a shoulder to cry on before I've gotten back into my crush's good graces, and even now I tread as lightly as I can, on thin ice, because we are still not quite there.
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