Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Sociopaths advise sociopaths (part ii)

Conversation with thunderball continued:
I'm not as violent anymore, not even close. So I guess I have mellowed out in one way. You said my first priority is to think what questions I am trying to answer. I guess these are the questions: Am I really a sociopath? How does it benefit me? How can I exploit it? Why do I feel like my development has stagnated? Why do I feel like I have extraordinary power but cant tap into it? Why do I think it may be a lack of focus holding me back? How do I get that focus? How do I overcome my doubt?

I guess ultimately I want to tap into the success I see, but feel like I'm stuck down a well. I can see the light of success at the top, but my surroundings are dark and cold. I need to feel and climb my way out. Does that make any sense?

I think you are right. I am bored. I'm resorting to the quick fixes you listed, no doubt. I think I need focus and direction. I need to force myself into a self improving routine and do what I want outside of that routine. Does that sound right? I know this sounds stupid, but I'm being honest just for now. After I talk with you I'm going to stop reading up on psychology and move onto other pursuits. Focus on what I think is a good routine, to improve myself, so my exploits become more exacting and I can gain better control of myself. I need to bring to an end the exploratory phase of my life.

Feel free to put this on your blog. I don't really care if people know my thoughts. Hopefully it will help more like me and make all the others cringe.
My response:
Yeah, I think at least some of your feelings of greatness are more a product of the disorder and not all based in fact. Not to say that you aren't great, but we as a group are prone to delusions of grandeur. For instance, I have always felt that I am a superhero. Even the way we describe ourselves reflects this, like one recent commenter referring to himself as the Hulk. That's just the way we feel about ourselves, the language that we find most appropriate to describe how it feels to be us. I think part of it is because we tend to have excessive amounts of serotonin, and part of it is because we have a low fear response. So we're overly confident and fearless. And part of it may be that we really are different from everyone else in really great ways. But I understand the feeling of being destined for greatness. I feel the same way.

If we feel this way about ourselves and we notice the world sees us as being only ordinary or even below average, this can create cognitive dissonance. One way sociopaths try to resolve this dissonance is to think less of the empaths amongst them, sort of a who-cares-what-they-think-they're-all-idiots-anyway. Empaths have their flaws, but assuming all of them are idiots is disingenuous, inaccurate, and ultimately will keep you from learning from them, about them, or interacting with them effectively. The better approach, I think, is to challenge assumptions (your own and those of the empaths around you) about what constitutes success and achievement. Even your new questions reflect ambiguity regarding this. For instance, what would it mean to you to be able to tap into your power? What would that look like or feel like? Why do you think your development has stagnated? What are you hoping to develop into? And what do you mean by tapping into the success you see? What is this success? The "success" of empaths that you see? The getting along with people at work? The climbing up a corporate hierarchy? Is that success? I mean, maybe it is for you. Again, I understand the feeling. You probably have felt a natural dominance and superiority over people since childhood. Maybe you have plateaued, or maybe you have even slipped in this skill. You're like a naturally talented athlete that has faced your first few failures or real challenges. Maybe you'll move on to a different sport or activity, or maybe you'll buckle down and become an innovator, trying to take your game to the next level. Obviously you are looking for something. You feel dissatisfied, you feel like your growth as a person is stunted, and you have resorted to quick fixes to assuage your feelings of ennui. Quick fixes are nice because they are immediately satisfying, but they typically are not sustainable (alcoholism, drug use, gambling, thrill seeking, etc). So it's great that you are trying to find answers to your questions. And there may be several answers to your questions or more interesting questions that you'll discover, and maybe you'll find fulfillment just in learning more about yourself through a cycle of finding and answering questions about yourself, life, etc. But whatever it is you choose, I just think you really need to think about what exactly you are looking for before you bother going out and finding it.

You'll have to keep us updated.

Best,
M.E.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Vacation

While I am gone, here is a question you might enjoy answering: do sociopaths who know they are sociopaths have a duty to warn those around them? Does it matter if it is a friend? Someone you are dating? Work colleagues?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Sociopaths advise sociopaths

Convo with thunderball (my responses in bold):
Hello M.E.,

I sometimes post as thunderball, george cromwell III and anonymously on your blog. I find what you write on there very intriguing. I am still very much trying to find myself or even decide 100% if I am a sociopath. I'm at the 80% point but still am trying to finalize my thoughts. Sorry to try and corner you on your blog, but I found it odd you didn't respond to anyone. It became a challenge to try and get you to comment. As you can see from my comments I've been very extroverted and narcissistic in my actions on your blog and in life over the last few years. That's interesting because the traditional wisdom is that sociopaths mellow with age.

I was far more introverted in my teenage years, perhaps more thoughtful in my actions. Mind you, I was violent as a teenager, as I felt I could get away with it. I also stole quite a bit and was very manipulative. To the point now I don't have any contact with people I was friends with at that time. Dare I say they don't want any contact with me. I've tried to get in contact due to curiosity, but most didn't respond through facebook, and the ones that did kept their distance even then. Yeah, I have a lot of old friends who I know would hate to be back in contact with me. I don't even bother trying. I know some of them have very specific reasons, and I suspect others just get a general bad vibe.

Sorry for the rambling, this is as much me trying to organize my thoughts as give you some background. I find myself very manipulative at work. In the past I've had a strong push to pit people against each other and after years of doing this I think I have a reputation for this among some of the employees. Ever since then and because of this I've become much more open about my dislike and manipulativeness, ultimately to my detriment. I haven't lost my job or anything, but I've become ineffective in going anywhere in the company and ineffective in controlling what those around me do. I feel like I've lost a lot of the subtlety and well thought out thinking processes I used to have. To be honest I feel ineffective and not very bright. I've pushed the limits without regard to consequence. Yeah, one of my most tempting impulses is to disclose who I really am to people. Bad idea. I used to be very reckless with my identity. Luckily I was able to learn vicariously through work experiences what a bad idea that is, and how much harm can come from that. Instead I try to provide myself relatively safe outlets for self disclosure, like this blog.

Anything I've written here is really just a summation of what I feel are failures and poignant examples of how ineffective I have been so far in my life. I guess I want some stability to some degree so I will be more enabled to do what I want.

Have you found this to be true of yourself? Have you gone through a period where you pushed the boundaries and let everything fall apart? Yes, when I was younger especially, particularly when i felt very conflicted about my identity. I couldn't distinguish well between the mask and who I really was. Either I would overestimate the power of my mask to conceal my actions, or I got so disgusted with the mask that I threw it away and just indulged my every evil impulse in plain sight. To avoid this, there needs to be balance. There needs to be a certain amount of honesty with even strangers, like half masks, otherwise the stress of deception is too great -- you lose touch with who you are. The key is finding the outlets for self-expression that are the least destructive to your chosen lifestyle.

I even feel like what I have written above lacks a certain subtlety and sharpness. I am doubting myself right now in a big way. Hence the 20% of me questioning who I really am. Wouldn't a sociopath not care? Sociopaths probably care more than most. We pretend so much, we have to wonder what is true and what is fake.

I feel like I lack a certain confidence. When put into the mix of people I exude confidence, but when I think about things later I pick conversations apart. I try to improve on my interactions but ultimately I see all the little and big flaws in myself and actions. Have you experienced this? Yes. Professional performers are the same way. When you are up on stage you have to stay very in the moment, being a showman. Afterward you can self-criticize, but not during. If you play a wrong note, sing a wrong lyric, trip over a joke, you have to keep going -- push it immediately out of your mind. You'll just make it worse if you think about it. That doesn't mean you have or don't have confidence. What is confidence anyway? It seems like it is just an ability to compartmentalize, to say to yourself, there is a time and a place for questioning, and it is not now. Arrogance is when people never take the time to self-question. Timidity is when people never take the time to act.

People tell me I come across as extremely bright and communicate well. I don't really feel that way. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel depressed about this, just agitated more so. I used to feel deep depression years ago, but it all just disappeared at one point. Poof, gone. Has this happened to you? Yeah, I can get blue, particularly seasonly. I used to get depressed all the time around my birthday. Birthdays used to be reminders of the horrible person I thought I was. Once I confronted myself, and was able to acknowledge there are good and bad parts about me, and that mostly I just "am," I got over the depression. I know I have to reset in a way, but don't really know how. I don't want to quit my job because I get good medical and pay, but it's going no where. I would love to cast off all the people I know now and dissappear into a new life, become someone different. I just can't bring myself to do it. Too costly, too many sacrifices.

A shift in focus can go both macro and micro. If you feel like you're not seeing the forest for the trees, sometimes the answer is to take a step back and focus on forest. But sometimes it is better give up on seeing forests and instead take a step forward and focus on the bark or leave structure of a particular tree. Do you know what I am saying? Big changes are very risky (which is why they are overly appealing to sociopaths). And there is little guarantee that they will make you happier. It is much more likely that picking up an additional hobby that you enjoy or otherwise making small improvements to the quality of your life will increase your overall sense of well-being.


From what I've written here and on your blog what is your view of me? Do you need more info to come to a conclusion? Feel free to ask any questions. I'll answer honestly because I am really looking for some answers. I think that you mainly sound bored. Not surprisingly, boredom is a constant plague of the sociopath. A lot of sociopaths self-medicate for boredom by resorting to quick fixes -- creating chaos, destroying people. These tactics don't work as well when you have become as established in the normalcies of life as you have. Posting comments on the blog can be entertaining, or at least you seem to enjoy engaging people in relatively meaningless altercations, enjoy provoking people, and enjoy trying to manipulate people. It's also relatively harmless since no one knows who you are. I guess that is the magic of the internet. But in regards to your claim that you are searching for answers -- to what questions? From what you have written here, writings that you have described yourself as "rambling," "lacking sharpness, " characterized by "doubt" and "questioning," it seems like your first priority is to really think exactly what questions you are trying to answer. Once you do that, I think you will find that the answers will soon follow.

Thanks ahead of time for your response and I do really appreciate your blog. Its helped a lot. Of course feel free to post this on your blog and any other interactions we may have.

Thanks again.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Prototypes and archetypes (part 3)

I know some of you hate email exchanges with empaths, but I don't care. They're interesting because they force you to see yourself through someone else's eyes, and that is always enlightening. My responses are in bold:
I can't thank you enough for putting your time and energy into giving me your insight, that is really an incredibly selfless and generous thing for you to do, to really take an interest in people and their problems - just thank you, thank you, thank you. A couple other things that strike me as contradictions - if i would ask him in front on his friends if he needed something, like a soda, he would get mad at me and tell me i baby him, but then on another occasion he would fight and ask me why i never yell at him to whip into shape, like tell him he's being irresponsible and he shouldnt go to the bar but instead stay home to study for a test. I would tell him that it wasnt my job to do that, that that seems more like treating him like a baby than anything else. If he is a sociopath, why would he ask to be "controlled" like that? consistent with my thought that he is conflicted, feels out of control himself, wants to stop feeling that way, so wants help from you to help him manage his behavior. Babying him could make him feel even more out of control/vulnerable. It's fine for him to admit himself that he has issues and needs help. It's not fine for you to suggest independently that he is needy and out of control because it freaks him out even more--headtrips him.

Also, one time I asked for a kiss (not that I had to ask everytime, ha, just that he wasn't easily accesible at that moment) and he said "why would you ask? thats why youre so weak and have no power in this relationship, if you want a kiss, just take a kiss" - again, isnt that giving up control? He wants you to be strong, take what you want from him when you want it so he can pretend that you are a strong person that is with him because you want to be, not because you are needy, weak-willed, or feel somehow pressured to be. If you don't act that way, then it is just another reminder to him that he will destroy you eventually, and that you are an unwilling victim. Harder for him to justify being with you then.

(Maybe those are stupid examples, but they just popped into my head). He's said that something about me, without me even doing anything, just makes him become irritable and in a bad mood, like he can feel his blood start to boil, but im the only one that does that to him he doesnt treat anyone else like that. one time i came over to see him and he was in one of his moods and he said that he didnt know why, he wasnt angry before i got there, and when i leave he knows that he'll be mad at himself and all he'll want to do is be around me, that he doesnt want to be mean to me but he can't control it, but then if i left to let him cool off he would beg me to come back and would be loving and apologetic. And i guess you mentioned something like that in your letter, but can there be a specific person that makes your blood boil sometimes for no reason, but other times theyre the only person you like and need? And do you therefore resent them for the anger they make you feel and the moods they put you in? He's conflicted. I realize I keep saying that, but it's true. He's frustrated. You are both what he wants and a reminder of his deficiencies. You represent an itch he can't scratch, a thirst he can't quench. And you probably make it to easy for him to be bad, and get too hurt when he does. He resents you for both of those things.

My ex really does seem more content without me now, like he just doesnt miss me, doesnt really even want to talk to me or be friends. I know a lot of people feel that way when they end a relationship, but i guess its just so odd to me because after 2 years of back and forth, this one is most definitely final, and it seemed like without provocation from me, because we didnt even talk for a month, it very quickly turned into a true dislike for me and our relationship. It's probably not a dislike for you, per se. If I realize that a relationship isn't working out, it's driving me crazy because I can't be better, I'm always being bad, and it's hurting the other person -- so I'll just end it suddenly like that. Better for the both of us. It's not that I hate that person, although part of me blames them for not being able to help me out, pull their fair share of the load in the always fraught with difficulty sociopath/empath relationship. It feels like a double drowning. Can you really fault someone (empath) for freaking out while they're drowning and taking you down with them when you are trying to help keep them afloat? No, not really. That's just the nature of someone who is drowning. It would be like getting mad at a bee for stinging you. But can you blame that person for your own drowning? Yes, they certainly were the cause, weren't they, even if they couldn't help themselves. Double drowning victims just physically freak out and start clawing for survival. It's a natural survival instinct. People emotionally freak out in a failing relationship. It's just a survival instinct, but it's often not at all productive. When it starts happening, the best thing both people can do is to completely get away from each other. These things end in murder suicides.

This latest string of events leading to the breakup - wanting or needing to talk to me every single day while i was gone, visiting me, saying it was the best time he's ever had, that we have so much fun together, that he truly loved me, then abruptly breaking up with me a week after i got home, (the day after he said he wished he never said anything, he would have been happy to just to keep "trying" to make himself love me because he wanted me in his life, asking me if we could still be friends) to then never really needing or wanting to talk to me again, and now says that those 2 years were not particularly fun for him. Does it come that easy to a sociopath to just stop feeling good thoughts about a person and to have a genuine dislike for someone they once really "loved", or do you think maybe i am just trying to attribute what could be just a normal reaction of a person after they break up with someone, into something much deeper? He wanted to love you a certain way and he couldn't. Now it sounds like he is trying to blame you for not being loveable rather than blaming himself for not being able to love. The latter is the real truth, not the former. He may never acknowledge this in his lifetime, but that doesn't make it any less true.

I remember something else he said this last time we talked and i had made him feel badly about himself. He said something about how hard it is for him to rationalize what he does and how he acts when he's around me. he said that i am the only person that makes him feel like he's a bad person, and he hates that (although except for this one time that i actually came right out and said it, i've never tried to guilt him into feeling badly about himself or tell him he should feel bad about who he is), but he also agrees that i know him and his underlying feelings better than anyone. Right, he knows what is going on, in his heart of hearts. He just isn't willing to face the music right now. He's self-deceived, thinks he is great and worries he is a monster. Really both are true, but he just can't reconcile them in his mind right now, can't accept reality.
He said that he hasn't felt badly about himself and who he is in a month (since we last hung out) and he's felt great, and that he doesnt want to sink back into feeling how he was when he was with me. Yeah, I've felt this way about people. Think about it this way: certain people bring out the worst in you. Sometimes it is because they are a bad person, but other times it is because they expect too much of you. You try to be there for them, but you can't. You're constantly confronted with your failure. If you worked at a job where you sucked but no one ever fired you, would you quit? Or would you keep yourself and everyone else in misery and just keep trying?

I could understand if i made him feel bad by telling him what he did wrong all the time or putting him down, but i was really always supportive and encouraging to him, which he even got angry at at times. Is it plausible to think that its easier for him to ignore these conflicting feelings he has of himself when im not around, and has maybe transfered that into a genuine disdain for me and our relationship? Or again, am i grasping at straws here? No, you're right, it's easier to ignore his own inadequacies when you're not there reminding him of them. Like deadbeat dads who not only don't pony up the child support, they stop seeing their children because they are ashamed and the children are a constant reminder of that shame.
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