Sunday, June 7, 2009

Am I a sociopath? (part 4)

Our questioning reader writes again:
I'm sorry for emailing you so much, but I've never had the opportunity to speak with someone about these things without the fear of being judged. It's been eating at me for about 5 years, ever since I started realizing that there was something wrong with my emotional and moral circuitry. It's been extremely confusing for me, and I'm not sure how to cope with it.

I'm sure it must sound quite crazy.

After reading information at WrongPlanet and on your Site... though I have many of the symptoms of Aspergers, I find myself identifying more readily with things I've read here.

There's a side of me that I've struggled to repress ever since I became aware of it. When I was younger, I used to take pleasure in causing pain to people who I felt had wronged me. Even offending my ego was enough to set me off. I won't get into the things I did, because that's really not important, but what is important was the general lack of remorse I felt. It was always their fault. Their deserved what happened to them. They should have expected it. That kind of thinking.

But I did feel emotions. I just felt whatever emotions I needed to feel at the time. If I needed someone to feel sorry for me, I'd get very sad and start crying. If I needed someone to take my side in something, I'd feel victimized. The feelings were very shallow, but they were there none-the-less.

I don't feel that any more. Ever since I became aware of it, I haven't been able to allow myself to feel much of anything. I suffer terrible social anxiety now, and I never used to. I feel like I have to watch everything I say or do, and it's debilitating. The worst part is I can see how easy it would be to fit in if I could just bring myself to actively put on a show instead of relying on passive defense techniques... but I just can't do it. I'm afraid that I'll lose a part of myself that I won't be able to get back. I'm afraid of being hollow.

I want so badly for this quest to understand myself to stop. To end. Without worrying that I'll completely lose myself. I look in the mirror, and I see someone who is capable of anything.

It's so confusing, and it leads me in so many different directions. It's inconsistent. It makes me feel insane, but only when I'm thinking about myself. I just don't understand why I can't understand my own identity.

Constantly watching myself is debilitating. It's making life very tough. Keeping myself honest is very tough. My natural inclination in any situation is just to say whatever I need to say, but I struggle to speak with absolute honesty. I struggle not to magically become whatever a person needs me to become just to get close to them. When I'm around other people, I almost can't function, because so much of my focus is spent gauging my reactions and scrutinizing my thoughts. Am I being honest? Should I really say this? I usually wind up at a loss for words, or being brutally honest about everything... which makes it hard to have a sense of humor until I can "figure out" someone else's sense of humor.

Again, I apologize for all of this. I'm just hoping you can help me to understand myself, or give me some advice. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I just know that something most definitely is, and I'm afraid to settle on anything--especially sociopathy.

Am I a sociopath? (part 3)

I'm going to publish the responses from our questioning reader in roughly the same time sequence that I received them and responded so you can get an idea of his thought process, which may be very familiar to a lot of you:
One other diagnosis I'm considering is Aspergers Syndrome. Everything I said in my last email is true, but I lack the ability to blend in socially that I've read most sociopaths have. I'm oblivious to non-verbal communication, and there are many quirks that set me apart from those you might consider normal. I may simply share the emotional detachment, and a few other traits, with sociopaths.

Honestly, I'm very confused. I would see a professional, but I have a problem with authority figures even though I find myself seeking some kind of validation. I'm not sure I could be honest with doctor, even if I tried--even if I thought I was being honest. As I said, looking into myself isn't something I'm very good at.

About being a sociopath... do you experience no emotions at all? This isn't how life feels to me. It feels to me like my emotions are filtered to the point of being beyond my comprehension, like an engine silently powering all of the logical mechanisms in my personality. To be honest with you, I didn't even recognize them until a phase of drug abuse cracked my ego. Coincidentally, it was the first time I realized I could be wrong and recognized that rationally, I wasn't the smartest person on the planet.

Anyway, that was several years ago, and I've come to recognize the existence of my emotions, but I can't embrace or express them because they're quite terrifying. They're very primitive... very simple and extremely powerful. To me, this doesn't really fit with what I've read about sociopaths. It seems like it may be a) an autism spectrum disorder or b) some kind of developmental disability. I find it hard to believe that a true sociopath could be made aware of his own feelings through drug abuse, though I suppose anything is possible. What's your take on this?

Thank you for your response. I'm glad you took the time to make one.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Am I a sociopath? (part 2)

My response:
From what I have seen, you sound like a sociopath to me, but don't be disheartened. I think you will find that as you continue to learn more about your condition and yourself, the world will begin to seem very right.

Self deception is a classic denial symptom. Denying the sociopathic aspect of yourself distorts how you see others and impairs your judgment. It is important that you realize that you are different from others -- this will help you to avoid hurting them. For instance, most people assume that everyone else is like them and project their own feelings and emotions on others, e.g. "I wouldn't be offended by that comment, so they shouldn't be, either." This is faulty thinking. What you think or feel has nothing to do with what most people think or feel. In fact, it is best to avoid all normative judgments in favor of descriptive ones. Normative judgments hide a million different biases and self deceptions that will lead you astray.

You are special. You are very smart, I am sure, but better than that, you think in a way that very few other people think. Your success at utilizing the intellect that you have likely lies in your ability to think outside of the box all the time. This is easy for you because you have never been inside the box -- you don't even know what it looks like. You can see things that no one else can because you have entirely different experiences coloring your clarity of vision -- their blindspots are where you excel and vice versa.

You seek answers. You seek logic and structure. You probably see behavior around you from neurotypicals that you cannot explain. The explanation for their behavior is the most complicated and difficult thing for a sociopath to understand, but in seeking those answers you will learn much about yourself as well. You will also learn that just because we can manipulate others does not mean we choose to do so. Just because we can exploit does not mean we choose to do so. Sometimes you find weaknesses that you do exploit, and sometimes you find flaws in society that you patch. Sociopathy includes both variants. Personal preference, upbringing, and life objectives can all influence why we choose to do what we do. What makes you a sociopath is not that you choose to do certain things, but that you are presented with an entirely different set of choices than a neurotypical person.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Am I a sociopath? (part 1)

So wonders a reader:
Hello.

I think I might be a sociopath, but I'm not sure. I don't have a conscience per se, it's more like a logical guide for what is right and wrong. Nothing turns my stomach, no type of immoral behavior enrages me unless I'm on the receiving end. All of my responses, even my "emotional" responses, are calculated and performed.

I know I'm not the smartest person on the planet--VERY WELL, but I feel it. As far as my heart and soul are concerned, there is nobody smarter on this planet, even though the very mind in question knows that's not the case.

I use people when I can, so long as it doesn't hurt them in the process. I'm not sure if that's because I don't want to hurt people or because I'd like to believe I'm not manipulative. Generally speaking, I don't lie about anything except for my feelings.

But I don't go out of my way to hurt people. I actually go out of my way NOT to hurt people. Pretty much my entire life IS an act, and I don't really know who I am... but I'm definitely not normal, nor do I fit all of the negative aspects of the sociopath stereotype.

What does this sound like to you? I'm asking because as much as I'm able to make sense of the world around me, I cannot for the life of me make sense of myself. That is the one thing that my mind can't penetrate. I can state facts about what I do, what I don't do, my habits and tendencies, etc, but trying to form an opinion about myself is like walking through a minefield of self-deception and convenient stray thoughts.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Reader responds: Talented Mr. Ripley

In response to our earlier exchange:
Thanks to your post, I was inspired to watch “The Talented Mr. Ripley” again. I was like him in so many ways, minus the serial killing. I was 20 years old when, like Tom, I realized that I appeared to be missing something other people around me seemed to have and take for granted: a firm belief in their sense of self. Unlike Tom Ripley, I didn’t lock in on one particular person who would embody everything I thought I could/should be (i.e. Dickie Greenleaf). I became your classic seeker. I looked for that missing self in a variety of places. My manhunt involved reading a slew of books about philosophy, religion and psychology as well as joining several groups, including the military. I was almost always loved and prized in these groups. I never had a problem getting people to open their homes and their hearts to me. You’d think that would be enough but it wasn’t because I knew. I knew that what the others loved wasn’t real. But I thought that surely some belief system, some moral philosophy, some religion, some group somewhere held the key that would unlock the vault that held the “real me”. It would take years of searching and struggle before I finally reached the place Tom Ripley did at the end of the movie when he realizes that his quest to be a “fake somebody” as opposed to a “real nobody” would never succeed. And like Tom, I was despondent about that. Then I got over it. My inability to fool myself about my self forever cuts me off from the rest of humanity’s common experience. So what. That doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy my life. Besides, without a rock hard sense of self for the brain to constantly recreate, project and defend, I’d be free to pursue my goals without the emotional baggage other people think of as normal.

And just as I’m coming to grips with all of this, I stumble upon your blog. If I believed in a magical universe, I’d call it destiny.

Enough rambling. Thank you for responding to my email. It was very well put. I think that your comments were spot on. And yes, you should definitely publish this exchange, especially your answer. Imagine if I’d gotten these answers when I was 20…
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