Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Not Chris Brown, another one

I have been corresponding with one reader who (atypically) does not want to remain anonymous. The first i heard from Chris was this comment on a post:
I was diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy) although I think it's more likely I have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I've hurt a lot of people, but never intentionally (as with a plan), and always it's been due to feelings of powerlessness, fear or being taken advantage of. My emotional core is more comprised of feelings of inadequacy than of maliciousness. In fact, I care a lot about other people and do a lot of good things for my community. I also feel remorse and empathy. But at the same time I think in very selfish ways sometimes and have hurt a lot of people.
When I read the comment, I was struck with what an accurate and sympathetic description of a narcissist it was, or at least the narcissists I know well. Chris later emailed me about how he had been diagnosed as a sociopath after he punched his then girlfriend in a violent outburst, for which he served a year in jail. To read about his experience, check out ablessingindisguise.org. I replied:
Interesting blog. I particularly thought this post was interesting. Even before I read that post, though, I didn't think you were a sociopath. Before I read your self-assessment of NPD, I actually thought that maybe you might be on the autism spectrum, particularly because of your lack of conforming to social norms in odd ways, e.g. making eye contact with strangers and picking your nose. Those with sociopathy and NPD also have difficulties with social norms, but usually the big stuff, if that makes any sense -- stealing, lying, cheating. They (sociopaths at least) may also have difficulty with the smaller social norms at first because they don't have a natural instinct for them, but they are usually able to overcome those difficulties and be very adept socially, some say charming. I would look into asperger's and autism in addition to your research on personality disorders. The type of bursts of anger/rage you describe seem to be more typical of the sometimes violent symptoms of autism. I wrote about it here.

Unfortunately for you, if you were on the autism spectrum and the condition manifested itself as violence, I don't think there are very good treatments for it. If the violence is truly an uncontrollable impulse, then it seems like the only options available to you would be to condition the subconscious to react differently, perhaps via shock therapy? I assume you are already being treated for the basic anger management stuff, without much progress.
Cont.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Losing a sociopath (part II)

My response (cont.)
Empaths look at the amount of hurt caused by loss and say, "This is what this meant to me, this is how much I valued that thing and now I am grieving in equal amounts." Empaths examine their own grief that way, and they also take cues from others about how much something meant to them: "He seems to be handling this well, he must not have cared very much." But sociopaths experience grief in a much different way; it's like comparing apples to oranges. You will never know how much your sociopath cared about you or your relationship because you have absolutely no context for the amount. It would be like me telling you that he cared for you 10 martian kroners worth, or 10 billion solar pesos. There is no reference point for you to understand, no known exchange rate. And I think that is what you are really asking, right? Not does he feel sad, because I am sure if you were together with him for a year you would know that yes he does feel sad. What you are really asking is how sad does he feel, how does he feel sadness, and what makes him sad, and particularly whether he is sad about the prospect of your leaving him?

But more than just that, what you want is meaning. You want an explanation for everything that happened in the relationship, everything he said, everything you did together. I understand this about empaths -- it is not so much what happens to them but how/why that matters. Take hypothetical situation: an empath starts out with $100 in the morning, gives $50 to a homeless guy, and then gets mugged for the other $50. Or they lose the other $50 in a storm drain. They feel good about the $50 to the homeless guy and feel bad about the other $50. That is very strange to the sociopath, because both are arguably just a loss of $50. But here is the weirdest part! Empaths would rather have lost the other $50 in a storm drain than have been mugged for it. Why?! As a sociopath I see the justification for giving the homeless man the money -- you are transferring wealth to someone who will value the money more than you. But the same applies to the mugging! The money goes to someone who probably needs/values it more. The only arguably bad outcome is losing the $50 in the storm drain, which empaths feel fine about. But that's because to the empaths it is not the fact that $50 was lost in these various ways, but how it happened.

Similarly, because you are an empath, you will concoct a huge story for the relationship, an explanation for everything you were, everything that happened. You will rehash every memory, relive every conversation, even reread past correspondence searching for "answers." You will try to find meaning in this story that you piece together of what "really happened." You will look for motives, you will question everything you thought you knew about him and the relationship, and it will be very very painful. Your sociopath will not do any of this. He only knows that the relationship failed. He will only see the result, perhaps the most immediate cause. He will not suffer this rehashing pain, but it is not because he cared any more or less. He just cared differently, and he is emotionally evolutionarily advanced enough to not indulge in an elaborate investigation and revisionist history. He will grieve, and he will move on. And there is no reason at all to fault him for that. In fact, when you look at things this way, is he really the one that is causing you so much pain? You are devastated because the relationship failed and you are suffering loss. But you are in pain because you are a reactionary empath and you are making things worse by reliving and rethinking every tiny detail. You are overreacting and focusing on things that don't matter, like the whys and hows while he is focused on the true measure of success, failure, loss -- the what. I think if you are honest with yourself, you will see that your pain/disease is more autoimmune than viral. So no, I don't think he gets what "he has done" to you. I bet he doesn't attribute any of your self-inflicted pain to himself, and for good reason.

With all of this said, I realize that pain is pain no matter what the cause, and you are an empath so you probably can't be expected to do better than you're doing, and I understand that sociopaths are very difficult to deal with and that you have probably suffered a lot of frustration over the past year with him. I hope that you are able to quickly find peace and wish you all the best in your time of grief.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Losing a sociopath (part I)

From a reader:
HI I'm getting out or a least trying to get out of a relationship with a sociopath. I'm devastated and in so much pain. doing some research i found out your bog that i find very interesting.
My question today is, do you feel pain? are sociopaths understand the pain that inflict on the people the say they love? because reading you and looking for information, i would have to think that he of course doesn't love me or care about me. Does a sociopath cares about anything? does he ever feel sad?
I'm so in love with this guy but it has been a year long painful relationship i cant do this to myself anymore. Do you think he gets what he has done to me?
My response:
We feel pain, but over different types of things, which doesn't necessarily guarantee that your sociopath is currently feeling pain. But he said he loved you, and if you feel like he had no reason to lie, he was probably telling the truth -- whatever "love" might mean to him. This is all assuming he is a sociopath, which unless he has admitted to being a sociopath, he very well may not be.

I've mentioned this before, but in love relationships, if sociopaths are truly committed/invested in the relationship (i.e. not just seducing, ruining, or gaming), they are very childlike. They love seflishly like a child, they can by petty like a child, they are emotionally superficial like a child, they are self-centered like a child. They are very focused on having their own needs met, and they are quick to forget you. What do people always say when children's parents die? That it is sad, but luckily they are young and they'll get over it quickly. Sociopaths can be extremely disappointed at the end of a relationship for lots of reasons -- feelings of failure, loneliness, and loss (not necessarily upset at losing you or your love, but losing at least whatever happiness you brought him, whatever role you filled). They are also easily assuaged, quick to move on.
(cont.)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I am in love with a sociopath

So begins molly young, writing for moreintelligentlife.com about Showtime's television show Dexter, a sympathetic portrayal of a sociopath/pseudo-vigilante. The portrayal of Dexter is so sympathetic, in fact, that Young thinks that he is a little too good to be sociopath true:
Dexter makes for a fine host and protagonist: he’s charming and intelligent, with the striking good looks of a handsomely-built monkey. In voiceover narration, he attempts to explain his murderous actions to the viewer, insisting that he is an empty shell of a person. "I love Halloween,” he indulges. “The one time of year when everyone wears a mask, not just me.” The voiceover device allows Dexter to explain his bloody motivations with illuminating introspection. The sociopath, it turns out, is humble and has regrets. He is self-searching and self-questioning. He is, in other words, a really unconvincing sociopath.

Here’s the thing: as viewers, we have to believe that Dexter is an aberration––a man totally unlike us––in order to accept his dubious activities. And yet the very qualities that would designate him a sociopath would surely alienate him as a protagonist. The solution? A character who acts in thoroughly lovable ways while telling us that it’s all pretence. If Humbert Humbert's narration was all about providing a beguiling justification of his misdeeds, Dexter's is about convincing us that he’s bad and empty inside, despite evidence that he's really a mensch.
In typical empath fashion, she continues by suggesting that Dexter is really just a caricature of Joe Anybody:
Plus, we want to like Dexter. He’s a caricature of how most of us feel ourselves to be: outsiders some of the time, morally correct most of the time, doing the best we can with the cards we were dealt. Dexter explains that he fakes his likeability in the voiceovers, but the explanations themselves––with their introspection and self-deprecating tone –– don't jibe with the hollow killer he claims to be.
This is some interesting faulty reasoning -- this man can't be a sociopath because I love him. And yet there are literally millions of people who love sociopaths. Sociopaths are in a lot of ways very easy to love, at least at first. What Young is demonstrating in her article is the folly of many an individual ensnared in the sociopath's charms -- he can't possibly be a sociopath, can he? He can and he is. In this way, Dexter is one of the most accurate, un-caricatured media portrayals of a sociopath.
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