Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I don't want to be normal

In a previous post, I quoted from a reader about normalcy. I apologize for the repetiton, but here are the relevant parts:
"Do you try to act normal? I don't know what I am, and I won't try to label myself. I don't want to be normal, but I need to learn to act normal. I don't feel how I should, but I want to learn to act that way so that I can keep my independence."
Here is one person's response to the issue of sociopaths and normalcy:
Human beings are born ignorant. We believe that we are special, yet ultimately we each must die and suffer the same ignoble end. After many years and much soul searching I began to wake up to this and begin to understand why I was so unhappy. Religion is a specialized madness. Morality is adherence to said madness. When you stop to ponder it, and I mean deeply ponder it, you will begin to understand what I mean. Study the work of Frank Herbert for the answers you seek. Every one who has posted here is NORMAL.

If we are all special, how can the group exist? Are we not in competition? Is the caste system wrong if it gives us purpose among the masses, or must we refute our place and strive for the purpose within? How can one fight the system and operate within it unless he/she us/we accept that our divinity/damnation is a personal choice. Why am I cursed with intelligence if I must acquiesce to my masters?
V! That's you, right? Or maybe you have a doppleganger. V's pet subject is normalcy and the sociopath, and how the world's perception of what is normal is really a perversion. I get it, and I like reading those arguments, but also I understand what our reader means: that even if there isn't such thing as normalcy, and/or sociopaths are superior anyway (i.e. if we're picking something to be normal, we should pick sociopathy), the truth is that sociopaths still have to slum it (i.e. act "normal") to get along in this world. More on acting normal in another post.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Dealing with sociopathy

Everyone always wants to know how to deal with sociopaths, even sociopaths themselves. But for many sociopaths, the most difficult sociopaths they will ever have to "deal" with are themselves. Says a reader:
I'd like to communicate with you, I haven't seen much on the internet from the view of a sociopath. Do you try to act normal? I don't know what I am, and I won't try to label myself. I don't want to be normal, but I need to learn to act normal. I want to keep myself out of jail, the mental hospital, that kind of thing that I've experienced too much. I haven't done anything wrong, but that's what people see in me so it doesn't matter what I do. I just want to live my life freely, unimprisoned. I don't feel how I should, but I want to learn to act that way so that I can keep my independence. Please let me know if you have any experience in this area. Thanks.
There were a lot of points in this comment as well as a follow up comment from the same author that I will address in a later post. The thing that struck me initially about this comment, however, was its similarity to another (long) comment I had seen on another site regarding hospitalization, et al:
I was diagnosed with ASPD in 1992, by a psychologist who gave me a "very poor" prognosis, automatically, due to the diagnosis. It took me over a decade to find a therapist who would actually treat me! Most took one look at my records and dumped me on the spot, because of the stigma attached to such a definition. "Doesn't ASK for help"???? HAH!!! How would they KNOW??? I was asking for help, for certain, but no one was listening. One of them actually said "You don't need a therapist, you need an EXORCIST!" Another threatened to call the cops, and I hadn't done anything! Still another called me "scary and dangerous" and instructed security to bar me from re-entering the building. Later she told a social worker that my EYES had scared her "half to death". Right, like I was giving her the "evil eye" or something. Give me a break. So much of it is just because of words: a label. I had a brief inpatient visit this Spring, partly because of this very same issue. I started shouting sarcastically in the middle of a psych-eval interview, "So, you all agree?!! Oh, WOW, watch OUT!!! I'm a PSYCHOPATH!!! I'm going to destroy the WHOLE WORLD!!!" at the top of my lungs. Not the best idea. I didn't exactly get my true point across. And I discovered that some shrinks just don't have a sense of irony at all; so, of course, I ended up getting committed. And during my stay, another patient, obviously of superior CONSCIENCE, tried to beat me with her Bible, to "get the devil out" of me! The nurses automatically accused me of lying about everything, no matter what the issue, and they kept yelling at me because they were constantly suspicious that I was "up to something". And of course, they just HAD to put me in a room alone; fine by me, if somewhat insulting. Did they think I was going to EAT a roommate?? Or maybe just LOOK at them -- because I started getting that business again from some of the patients and even staff, about giving them the so-called "evil eye" -- whatever. What do they see in my eyes??!! It's too much. Just everything. I'm sick of being treated like a female version of "Jason" or "Freddie"! People look at my psych records and get all these weird ideas, and they expect a cinematic show. Oh, and if I cry or show the slightest bit of pain, no way does anyone believe it's real; I'm automatically attacked for trying to put one over on someone with my "dramatic performance". So. I'm giving psychotherapy one last shot, with a therapist who can look me in the eye without suddenly turning into a panicky wreck. I guess that makes her special. That and the fact she sees me as just another human being, not a freak or "monster" or vessel of "pure evil," as I've been called. But now I finally believe that I'm not "sub-human". I've had extensive neurological testing, and I've been told by several specialists that parts of my nervous system are messed up. I sustained substantial trauma to the head as a child. Meanwhile, as I'm struggling through all that, plus (and especially) the emotional and cognitive aspects of my illness, it seems to me that the rest of the world is having a party to which I am always uninvited. I feel that way because they share things I will never know. Ever, as long as I live, no matter how much progress I do manage to make. Accepting that is very hard. Up until very recently, my hatred for the world was formidable. BUT one thing is vital to remember: IT WAS NEVER MY CHOICE to be as I am. People need to be aware that mental illness is first and foremost a PHYSICAL thing. No one CHOOSES to develop any form of it. The human brain is still a largely unfathomed territory. Less blame and judgment, more science and intervention, would go a long way toward preventing or at least much better management of disastrous illnesses such as mine. Hollywood shouldn't dictate all that people know about such things. Well, anyway. I just thought it was a good idea to offer another person's point of view. And, YES, I am a person, not an "it". Despite numerous protests to the contrary. So many people have called me "evil" -- if I believed it all, I'd end up committing suicide. Although the damage that was done to me so long ago, and what I was born with, cannot ever change, a lot can. I have already changed enough to be able to do something like writing here! Now all I want is to move as far beyond my staggering limitations as I possibly can do. I want a life. I live in self-imposed exile, isolated and reclusive. And yet, when someone tells me I'm "hopeless," it only makes me more adamant about breaking free of the mental cage in which I've spent my whole life -- so far. Statistically speaking, my expected lifespan might fall twenty years short of the general average. But I intend to defy that, too. I'm in great pain now, psychologically, because I'm facing things that are quite horrifying to remember, and it is necessary. But in spite of that, I am starting to conceive of having something worth living for...and THAT is brand new for me. One thing I never forget: "When you're going through hell, KEEP GOING!"
The primary lesson to be learned from this comment, I think, is never disclose to anyone that you are a sociopath, and for sure don't yell about it in the middle of a crowded room. For the high-functioning sociopaths among us, I think it is hard to even want to care about those of us who end up in prisons and hospitals. We want to believe that it is their fault--that they give the rest of us a bad name. But sometimes I really do wonder whether we disown them out of fear because we don't want to acknowledge that there could be a prison term and/or hospital cell in the future for every one of us.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Suspicious sociopaths save souls

As I have mentioned before, it is pretty easy to surprise a sociopath. Smarter sociopaths try to learn from that and be a little more on guard for the unexpected (which might explain the obsession with conspiracy theories), but it's hard. The sociopath's main tools are manipulation and charm, which are offensive rather than defensive tactics. Like i said before, it is difficult to keep your finger on the pulse of whatever else is happening when playing those cards. Add the nonsensical or erratic behavior of the empaths, which a sociopath could not predict even if he was trying, and you have a recipe for sociopaths who are always susceptible to surprise.

With that in mind, I am always suspicious of seemingly innocuous remarks, like this comment from a reader:
Have you edited your site? Some recent posts seem to be missing? Also why is it that everyone commenting fails to put down their name. Are we embarrassed to be reading socio stuff?
First of all, no, nothing has been edited/removed, but thanks for making me spend an hour culling through everything just to be sure there wasn't some big hacker conspiracy. Second of all, nice try troll. Might as well suggest that we all put our social security numbers and current addresses along with our comments. I bet our avid reader from the CIA headquarters in Langley would love that. If you were a real sociopath, you would have a healthy paranoia of being discovered and shipped to an internment camp.

Mostly just kiddng, but I agree that identifying yourself as something in your comments allows others to make fun of you more accurately and efficiently. For instance, dear reader, I have no way to identify you other than calling you troll. See how uncivilized that is? Pick a pseudonym like our man V, or at least use your location. Hear me Huddersfield? And while we're at it, let's give a shot out to Boston. Does that scare you? It should. Now, stop suggesting we all use our real names and acquire your own healthy dose of paranoia.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

One more way sociopaths are oppressed

As previous posts have mentioned, sociopaths seem to be overly interested in conspiracy theories. This could be another example of that--or maybe I'm reading into it too much. from a reader:
Hi,

I was recently fitted with contact lenses, and had to pay extra for those fancy "extra water" ones because I have dry eyes. A few days later, this came up in conversation with a friend who is studying to become an eye doctor of some kind. She remarked that dry eyes are a common feature of empathy challenged individuals - sociopaths, aspies and the like. I was just wondering if you, or any of your readers, have similar symptoms? Do you think it is related to our absent
empathy?

Cheers.
I don't know if this is true. I have never noticed this symptom before with myself. I wonder if any of my sociopath readers have? I can't really think of why empathy-challenged individuals would have dry eyes. Bladerunner style.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

How to "manage" a sociopath or narcissist

Although I mentioned in a previous post that I think people can have happy and successful relationships with sociopaths and narcissists, I do think that there are ways to manage their behavior or to help them manage their own behavior. Here is my response to the previous post:

Yes, your friend sounds like a sociopath or narcissist. You should actually be hoping for sociopath at this point, because they are much easier to reason with. Narcissists are completely self-deceived. They don't think they are different than empaths, just better: less likely to be duped, a leader among mere mortals, that type of thing. They like situations where other people are dependent on them, whereas sociopaths like people to be enslaved to them. Narcissists are motivated more by a need to be loved and admired (acceptance/respect), sociopaths are motivated by a need to be respectfully feared and in control (power).

Your friend sounds like more of a narcissist than a sociopath from your description. I've found that most sociopaths, like people with Asperger's, are aware of their condition, even if they may not know what to label it. Because your friend is refusing to admit to himself that his personality fits the Antisocial Personality Disorder spectrum traits, that suggests to me that he is a narcissist. He could also be a particularly low-functioning sociopath, meaning poor self-awareness and poor impulse control. Those type of sociopaths are the ones that go to prison, so you are justifiably concerned for your friend.

Either way, the "treatment" I would suggest is the same: redirection and distraction. This info is taken from a poorly edited book with some decent information called Just like his Father?. It discusses how to parent sociopathic children, but the principles can apply to everyone dealing with a sociopath.

The book describes how to teach impulse control. When children are preverbal (before a child can understand and use words), the only impulse-control tools are redirection and distraction. "Redirection is the creation of an appropriate setting for the expression of impulses. Distraction is the process by which attention shifts away from undesirable impulses." An example of redirection is a child who wants to play with your car keys or phone. You don't want the child to play with those objects because he may break or lose them. You can redirect the child by giving him fake keys or a toy phone. "By providing your child with substitutes, you acknowledge his desires as legitimate, set limits, and teach him to direct himself in a way that is productive rather than destructive." An example of distraction is when a parent tries to "distract a crying child by cuddling him and making funny faces. In this exercise, the child learns to shift attention from a negative feeling state to a more positive one."

After children become verbal, most toddlers use language to strengthen their impulse control. "Watch as your child picks up the previously mentioned keys or cell phone while repeating to himself 'don't touch mommy's keys' and 'don't play with mommy's cell phone.' Commanding himself to put the objects down requires a great deal of effort. You may notice that the commands your child gives himself are identical to the ones you have given him. . . if you have witnessed this process, you have observed the building blocks of conscience . . . once the conscience is fully formed, the process of verbal command over impulses happens automatically. The child can stop himself without thinking about it."

I would say that most high functioning sociopaths are stuck at repeating to themselves "don't touch mommy's keys" with a great deal of effort. As they routinely do this in a particular area (e.g., don't tell people they're fat), they may develop a habit and not have to think so much about it anymore. But obviously if you have a friend whose lack of impulse control is leading to self-destruction, the friend probably isn't even at the don't-touch-mommy's-keys stage. That's why i suggest redirection and distraction, if possible.

Your friend has legitimate needs and wants, and you want to be sure to address those and not alienate him by criticizing his basic self/needs: "By providing your child with substitutes, you acknowledge his desires as legitimate, set limits, and teach him to direct himself in a way that is productive rather than destructive." You need to find out what his needs are, and cater to those needs in non-destructive ways, or teach him to do that for himself.

I don't know what non destructive substitutes may be for your friend, but you should probably prioritize in your mind which of his less-than-desirable behaviors are the most harmful to him, then focus on those. Otherwise, it would be like your friend trying to quite heroin, alcohol, sex, porn, cutting, smoking, and bulimia all at the same time. Not possible. You have to prioritize.

I suggest your friend reads The 48 Laws of Power. It's sort of a sociopath's bible about how to cultivate power, but I think it can also really help narcissists become more self-aware and sociopaths have more impulse control.

Hope this helps.
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