Saturday, November 8, 2008

One more way sociopaths are oppressed

As previous posts have mentioned, sociopaths seem to be overly interested in conspiracy theories. This could be another example of that--or maybe I'm reading into it too much. from a reader:
Hi,

I was recently fitted with contact lenses, and had to pay extra for those fancy "extra water" ones because I have dry eyes. A few days later, this came up in conversation with a friend who is studying to become an eye doctor of some kind. She remarked that dry eyes are a common feature of empathy challenged individuals - sociopaths, aspies and the like. I was just wondering if you, or any of your readers, have similar symptoms? Do you think it is related to our absent
empathy?

Cheers.
I don't know if this is true. I have never noticed this symptom before with myself. I wonder if any of my sociopath readers have? I can't really think of why empathy-challenged individuals would have dry eyes. Bladerunner style.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

How to "manage" a sociopath or narcissist

Although I mentioned in a previous post that I think people can have happy and successful relationships with sociopaths and narcissists, I do think that there are ways to manage their behavior or to help them manage their own behavior. Here is my response to the previous post:

Yes, your friend sounds like a sociopath or narcissist. You should actually be hoping for sociopath at this point, because they are much easier to reason with. Narcissists are completely self-deceived. They don't think they are different than empaths, just better: less likely to be duped, a leader among mere mortals, that type of thing. They like situations where other people are dependent on them, whereas sociopaths like people to be enslaved to them. Narcissists are motivated more by a need to be loved and admired (acceptance/respect), sociopaths are motivated by a need to be respectfully feared and in control (power).

Your friend sounds like more of a narcissist than a sociopath from your description. I've found that most sociopaths, like people with Asperger's, are aware of their condition, even if they may not know what to label it. Because your friend is refusing to admit to himself that his personality fits the Antisocial Personality Disorder spectrum traits, that suggests to me that he is a narcissist. He could also be a particularly low-functioning sociopath, meaning poor self-awareness and poor impulse control. Those type of sociopaths are the ones that go to prison, so you are justifiably concerned for your friend.

Either way, the "treatment" I would suggest is the same: redirection and distraction. This info is taken from a poorly edited book with some decent information called Just like his Father?. It discusses how to parent sociopathic children, but the principles can apply to everyone dealing with a sociopath.

The book describes how to teach impulse control. When children are preverbal (before a child can understand and use words), the only impulse-control tools are redirection and distraction. "Redirection is the creation of an appropriate setting for the expression of impulses. Distraction is the process by which attention shifts away from undesirable impulses." An example of redirection is a child who wants to play with your car keys or phone. You don't want the child to play with those objects because he may break or lose them. You can redirect the child by giving him fake keys or a toy phone. "By providing your child with substitutes, you acknowledge his desires as legitimate, set limits, and teach him to direct himself in a way that is productive rather than destructive." An example of distraction is when a parent tries to "distract a crying child by cuddling him and making funny faces. In this exercise, the child learns to shift attention from a negative feeling state to a more positive one."

After children become verbal, most toddlers use language to strengthen their impulse control. "Watch as your child picks up the previously mentioned keys or cell phone while repeating to himself 'don't touch mommy's keys' and 'don't play with mommy's cell phone.' Commanding himself to put the objects down requires a great deal of effort. You may notice that the commands your child gives himself are identical to the ones you have given him. . . if you have witnessed this process, you have observed the building blocks of conscience . . . once the conscience is fully formed, the process of verbal command over impulses happens automatically. The child can stop himself without thinking about it."

I would say that most high functioning sociopaths are stuck at repeating to themselves "don't touch mommy's keys" with a great deal of effort. As they routinely do this in a particular area (e.g., don't tell people they're fat), they may develop a habit and not have to think so much about it anymore. But obviously if you have a friend whose lack of impulse control is leading to self-destruction, the friend probably isn't even at the don't-touch-mommy's-keys stage. That's why i suggest redirection and distraction, if possible.

Your friend has legitimate needs and wants, and you want to be sure to address those and not alienate him by criticizing his basic self/needs: "By providing your child with substitutes, you acknowledge his desires as legitimate, set limits, and teach him to direct himself in a way that is productive rather than destructive." You need to find out what his needs are, and cater to those needs in non-destructive ways, or teach him to do that for himself.

I don't know what non destructive substitutes may be for your friend, but you should probably prioritize in your mind which of his less-than-desirable behaviors are the most harmful to him, then focus on those. Otherwise, it would be like your friend trying to quite heroin, alcohol, sex, porn, cutting, smoking, and bulimia all at the same time. Not possible. You have to prioritize.

I suggest your friend reads The 48 Laws of Power. It's sort of a sociopath's bible about how to cultivate power, but I think it can also really help narcissists become more self-aware and sociopaths have more impulse control.

Hope this helps.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

In love with a sociopath

People got problems. I understand. One such problem is loving a sociopath or narcissist. It's a tough job, sure. But is this a problem without answers? Or a problem whose answers you don't like? Here's the following problem from one such person:
I have seen your blog. I am not sure if you can help, however here goes... I have a "friend" that I was very involved with. Much of what he did did not match what he said..but he (when pushed) would open up and show me things to show me he was sincere. he said things like "I love you but not the way you need to be loved" he would tell me he wanted me in his life, then ignore me... I would get angry and we fought, all the time.. it was a pattern I didn't like... He was very bad in business, lied all the time, had and has such potential, but does everything to ruin what he has. He cheats people and doesn't see it that way. He cheats on his wife (second one) and on his lovers as well. Omits truths and gets angry and shuts down when confronted. Always runs to different places, keeps his business as a means to escape reality, never lives in one place. I have told him I believe he is a sociopath, it expalns much of what I have seen and know of him and his backround... he says he know he has problems, but wont accept that is what it is. he said he wanted my help, then stopped talking to me, says he is too busy and will call, then doesn't. This of course starts a fight...only on my side because he does not respond at this point, but still wont say he wants me out of his life... I told him that is all it takes for me to go.

I don't know what to do, he is hurting people, owes money all over. I believe he is trying to dupe women because he needs money, his wife is ill, he says she is divorcing him, but I dont believe him, and I am not sure if he is damaging her more. I dont know how to reach out to him to get him to at least be open to this and try to straighten out his life... it is late, he is already almost 60. I know it is very difficult to change, but I think he may want to because he wont tell me to go away.
Let's first talk about the wisdom of getting involved with a sociopath, and then we can talk about specific ways you can handle a sociopath in some other post.

Loving a sociopath can be great. I know all sorts of people in relationships with sociopaths and narcissists, and they seem happy:
I believe in the possibility of loving narcissists if one accepts them unconditionally, in a disillusioned and expectation-free manner. Narcissists are narcissists. This is what they are. Take them or leave them. Some of them are lovable. Most of them are highly charming and intelligent. The source of the misery of the victims of the narcissist is their disappointment, their disillusionment, their abrupt and tearing and tearful realization that they fell in love with an ideal of their own invention, a phantasm, an illusion, a fata morgana. This "waking up" is traumatic. The narcissist is forever the same. It is the victim who changes.
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List - Part 1 Listowner: Dr. Sam Vaknin. See also.

This makes a lot of sense, right? You order a vanilla milkshake, get a vanilla milkshake, everyone's happy. You order a vanilla milkshake, get a chocolate milkshake, start complaining to the server that she screwed up your order, no one's happy. This happens all the time when people get exactly what they asked for without realizing what it was wanted. So the first step to assessing the "problem" of being in love with a sociopath/narcissist is taking a hard look at yourself and figuring out whether you "asked for it." If that is the case, the "problem" is not with the sociopath/narcissist -- it's with you.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Empaths = ticking time bombs

A reader emailed this article with the subject line, "What happens when you don't properly break up with a sociopath." I was excited for a possible sociopaths in the news post, but disappointed to read that it looked like a simple crime of passion:
Carol Anne Burger killed her former lover by stabbing her 222 times with a Phillips-head screwdriver and then took pains to hide her crime, police said Wednesday.

Jessica Kalish, who shared a house with Burger despite breaking up with her more than a year ago, was found last Thursday stuffed in the backseat of her gun-metal BMW sedan, abandoned behind a medical office at 2300 S. Congress Avenue. Her blood was splashed around the rear end and undercarriage of the car, as if her killer had tried to load her into the trunk. The driver-side window was shattered.

Examining the body, detectives absorbed what had been done to her. Stab wounds were clustered around the back of her head and stitched across her back and arms and face. Most were between an inch and an inch-and-a-half deep. A blow to Kalish's neck probably killed her, investigators determined.
Okay, murder with a screwdriver, not bad. I feel like I have seen that before in scary sociopath type movies, but that's where the sociopath connections end:
Burger, a 57-year-old writer, did yoga, had a fondness for Shark Week on the Discovery Channel and preferred to watch musicals in theaters with Dolby Sound. She recently stopped drinking coffee. She thought Jackson Browne's "For a Dancer" was good to listen to when you were sad, and she refused to take anti-depressants despite her relationship problems with Kalish.
Okay, so not a sociopath. I mean, maybe with the "fondness for Shark Week," but you keep reading the article and can only come to one conclusion: crime of passion. Yes, sociopaths can kill, maim, or otherwise injure "loved ones," but at least we act predictably. Empaths! They are the scary ones! They'll get all worked up about things, get into this emotional frenzy, and next thing you know you have a screwdriver shoved in your neck. "Watch out for empaths" warns this article:
On the morning she realized her husband and son would learn the family was losing their house, Carlene Balderrama, 53, faxed a note to the mortgage company, then went to the basement and shot herself.

"I hope you're more compassionate with my husband than you were with me," she wrote in a suicide note left for the company.

It is a dramatic picture of the worst that financial stress can wring. As home foreclosures and unemployment mount, so do their companion tales of fraud, robbery, arson and even murder. And though suicides remain rare, evidence that financial stress is erupting in rash, often illegal behavior isn't difficult to find.
Not just suicides, murder-suicide--like that man who killed his his wife, mother-in-law and three sons, and then shot himself at their Los Angeles home. Empaths are on the rampage!

I admit that sociopaths are sort of scary. But that's just because we don't have the same boundaries for human behavior that you expect in neuro-typical individuals. But what is scarier? Being out in a jungle where you know there are tigers and you take the appropriate precautions? Or being in a zoo with your family when the tigers suddenly break free from their enclosure? Empath boundaries don't do any good when they can just hurdle over them whenever they're upset. That's what empaths are like: ticking time bombs. Screwdriver-murderer's friends know what I am talking about:
Her friends, the ones who can bring themselves to believe what police said about her, turn the question over in amazement.

If this could happen to someone like her, they said, what does it mean for the rest of us?

Does no one comment?

One of my favorite comments is an outraged response to this post:
"Does no one comment? I see the psycopath as a mutant being, an accident or freak of nature then a combination of nuture but not allways just mostly in the poorer classes. God can heal you people but you have to become self aware enough to choose the right or the good rather than self! May His hand touch you all and heal your pain and fill your hearts with His Grace!"
I laugh inappropriately whenever I think of this comment. "Does no one comment?" the outraged individual asks. Sort of a "how can you people read this and not be incensed?" In my mind, I picture some outraged Christian type who has fallen down the rabbit-hole into a bizarre world where up is down and down is up. What a delicious image! Welcome to my rabbit-hole, sociopath friends and friends of sociopaths.
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