I thought this story from a reader was very interesting, particularly the parallels with my own life. I especially find her thoughts about religion to be very familiar:
I just recently started doing research on sociopaths. Years ago a girl that knew me well said she
thought I might be a sociopath but I brushed it off thinking that I’m nothing
like the monsters sociopaths are portrayed as.
That’s why I find your website so refreshing. Its not claiming all sociopaths are the same, nor are they always
people that should be avoided at all cost.
Last week again I had someone close to me say they think I have
sociopathic tendencies. I started
reading from your website and I do see a lot of similarities. I’ve always felt different from everyone
else. I have an very emotional mother
and growing up I could never understand her reactions to things. Most of the time when I see anyone get
emotional or upset by something it’s not like I don’t care, I just don’t feel
it. I want to understand it like a puzzle.
I’ve always struggled with the concept of guilt. I grew up in a very religious family and
feeling remorse and repentance for your mistakes is considered to be key for forgiveness
of sins. I’ve always really struggled
with what guilt is exactly because when I’ve done things I know I shouldn’t
have, I don’t get an emotional response.
Me knowing it’s wrong is always based on logic and knowing what’s
expected of me. When I have done
something wrong I do regret it but it’s usually because I see it as a failure
on my part to live up to an expectation that either I or others have placed on
me and I hate feeling like I don’t have control over myself or I have failed in
anyway. I know I have been cruel to
people before and have messed with and manipulated people’s emotions. When I was young I did it because watching
how easily people could believe something or be manipulated was
entertaining. Now it’s usually only
when I feel wronged or slighted and I never feel bad about it because it does
seem justified.
I have a great job, a few close friends and overall I think
I’m a very stable person but I do feel different. I was disconnected from my family entirely for a year and I never
felt an emotional sense of missing them.
My parents are normal people, never abused me, always supportive so when
I hadn’t seen or talked to them for a long time I was hoping I would feel
something but I mostly just felt indignant and irritated when I asked for help
with different things and they ignored me.
On the reverse side while I usually get bored with guys very quickly
there was this one guy that was almost impossible for me to let go of. He has a PhD in psychiatry and he’s always
fascinated me. Whenever I saw him do
something to intentionally irritate or passive-aggressively insult a friend
simply because they told him something he didn’t want to hear I became more
drawn to him. Everything about our time
together was intense but I would feel this gaping sense of loss any time he had
to go or I didn’t see him for a while.
Even now I compare other guys to him and I can’t be bothered. I don’t know why with one guy I could miss
him so intensely but with my own family I feel so indifferent. I don’t want to be a difficult person to be
around but whenever I want something and I see a way of getting it I
instinctively start shifting and manipulating the people around me to get
it. I think what I want usually
benefits other people as well so I don’t feel bad about it and when a close
friend who knows how I am calls me out and tells me she feels played I can’t
help but feel she’s missing the bigger picture. I have also done a lot for the
people close to me. I’ve gotten them jobs, found them nice places to live and
helped them out of bad relationships. I
don’t think I’m a bad person or ‘evil’ and yet I am so disconnected from the
people around me. I mentioned I’m religious. I do believe in God but recently I’ve had
people in my religion ask me ‘heartfelt’ questions. They’re the only questions I’ve ever struggled with. I found myself trying to take apart the
meaning of the questions, remember if I had heard other people express their
answers before and guess what they wanted to hear because inside I didn’t
understand, there was nothing indicating how I felt about it. Explain why I want to be part of the
organization, how guilt and repentance have motivated me to correct my actions;
deep down I still don’t really think anything I’ve done has been all that
bad. Knowledge of the consequences and
not wanting to see myself as a failure have taught me not to make the same
choices. I do want to make God happy
but I don’t see why my actions or way of thinking would make him unhappy.
I read an excerpt from your book online just now and just in the small portion I read I see a lot of similarities. When I was a teenager I had this girl I couldn't stand and I used to break into her house and rearrange little things around her room and memorize snippets from her diary to work casually and discretely into regular conversation to mess with her. I even get the staring thing, I constantly have people think I'm glaring at them or trying to seduce them because I don't look away like most people. I just read a couple paragraphs but I think I'll have to buy a copy soon and take a read. It's interesting some of the things I recognise in myself. Even putting myself in life threatening situations... almost bleeding out on a camping trip because I didn't want to call attention to my injuries, look weak or have people try to assist me when I figured I could deal with it on my own.
I read an excerpt from your book online just now and just in the small portion I read I see a lot of similarities. When I was a teenager I had this girl I couldn't stand and I used to break into her house and rearrange little things around her room and memorize snippets from her diary to work casually and discretely into regular conversation to mess with her. I even get the staring thing, I constantly have people think I'm glaring at them or trying to seduce them because I don't look away like most people. I just read a couple paragraphs but I think I'll have to buy a copy soon and take a read. It's interesting some of the things I recognise in myself. Even putting myself in life threatening situations... almost bleeding out on a camping trip because I didn't want to call attention to my injuries, look weak or have people try to assist me when I figured I could deal with it on my own.
I’m emailing I guess for curiosity and understanding. I know this is the way I am and I don’t
think it’s ‘bad’, just different. I
struggle with having to control myself, I want to have fun, I want to take
chances and I enjoy seeing how one action can lead to a ripple effect in my
favour but I don’t think I’m dangerous or need to be fixed I just want to know
if that’s how sociopaths sometimes feel.
Like I said, I just started looking into this and I’m not saying I am a
sociopath or think it’s terrible if I am. I just want to know more.
In my religion, there are a lot of people who think that emotions are the way that God speaks to you or a sign of true repentance (godly sorrow). But that's not necessary. As LDS Elder Richard G. Scott taught:
A testimony is fortified by spiritual impressions that confirm the validity of a teaching, of a righteous act, or of a warning of pending danger. Often such guidance is accompanied by powerful emotions that make it difficult to speak and bring tears to the eyes. But a testimony is not emotion.
And why would we need to feel things? Why would God make a group of people who were doomed to hell the moment they were born that way? But some religions believe that, I guess. Also some people believe that gay people are going to hell?
In my religion, there are a lot of people who think that emotions are the way that God speaks to you or a sign of true repentance (godly sorrow). But that's not necessary. As LDS Elder Richard G. Scott taught:
A testimony is fortified by spiritual impressions that confirm the validity of a teaching, of a righteous act, or of a warning of pending danger. Often such guidance is accompanied by powerful emotions that make it difficult to speak and bring tears to the eyes. But a testimony is not emotion.
And why would we need to feel things? Why would God make a group of people who were doomed to hell the moment they were born that way? But some religions believe that, I guess. Also some people believe that gay people are going to hell?


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