Showing posts with label sociopathy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sociopathy. Show all posts

Friday, June 19, 2009

I'm looking through you (part III)

Reader:
Hey. I'm so glad that you responded. Last night we were out with friends and he got drunk and stoned like the night I described in my first email. He started acted very "sociopath-ish" again(i e in the cab he told me that he hated being in a taxi b/c he wasn't in control because he wasn't the one driving), things like that...

He tends to pick fights when he's had some drinks so we began arguing, He is relentless and seemingly never grows tired of it. When he gets like that it's as if he could talk AT me for hours. On the other hand, I'm emotionally drained after these encounters.

After some fighting, I eventually just came out and asked him if he thought he was capable of loving me. He actually got furious (which rarely happens). And a little choked up. And his response was "Aren't I giving you what I need? I try so hard to give you what I need. I give you everything I have." My response to that was that I knew that he tried (I feel like he REALLY does) but what if I wanted to be loved? He said that he had what it takes to love, that he was in the process of getting there, and that you have to "work" hard to get what you want sometimes. I almost started crying at that point b/c as an empath you know that you don't have to "try" to love someone, you just do. It just happens. I think he desperately wants to be loved, TO LOVE and to have all of it.

I am definitely going to watch the movie that you suggested. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about sociopathy. I have no idea what I want from him, and I'm constantly questioning what it is he gains from me (I think it's the companionship, and also the sex). Part of me is telling me just to walk away, but as I said earlier, I think he is just too interesting, and I really do care about him.

You can absolutely publish this or my previous email. I would just prefer that you dont use my name...initials work or something. I would be happy to help since you've already helped me a ton. Thank you so much for responding. I was really happy to see a response today from you.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I'm looking through you (part II)

My response:
Ha, this sounds so much like the typical uber-empath, sociopath relationship. I have loads of friends like you. If this really is the situation (e.g., he is a sociopath), he might be very startled by and wary of your apparent willingness to accept him for who he is without judgment. It is possible, as you suggest, that he is a sociopath and knows that he is different in some way, but doesn't know that he is a sociopath, per se. He may be like many of my sociopath readers, questioning why he is the way he is, while actively avoiding being saddled with the term sociopath (for reasons that are probably obvious to you, particularly after reading The Sociopath Next Door). He may be particularly wary of you given that you "confronted" him about his behavior during a conversation in which you were attempting to break up with him. He probably reasonably interpreted this to be disapproval.

I wouldn't necessarily say that sociopaths do not have the ability to love, although theirs is not a typical form of love. I wrote about it here. It sounds like he is genuinely fond of you, if he put forth extra effort to win you back. It also sounds like he also respects you, if he has toned down the lying. He is probably charmed that you were cognizant enough to see through him, and intrigued that you appear to know who he is but are still interested in him. Everyone wants to be known and appreciated for who they really are -- sociopaths are no different. Sociopaths tend to take a lot of pride in their work, for good reason, so I am sure he would enjoy the thought of having an audience. On the other hand, you never know who you can trust. I live in daily fear of being outed. I enjoy writing the blog and am glad that it is helpful, but I frequently think that it will eventually be my doom, so I understand that sort of apprehension. And even if you were willing to listen without being judgmental, there is no guarantee that you would be able to handle the truth, wouldn't freak out and disclose everything. He may also have something else to hide. Sociopaths can do bad things. But if he did admit it to you, what would you do? Be a willing accomplice in his life, no matter how sick it turns out to be? Watch the film Let the Right One In for an example of that sort of dedication and to what it can lead.

The way you describe him, though, I can see why you are fascinated.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I'm looking through you (part I)

Question from a reader:
Hi there. Thanks for your blog. It's been extremely helpful and informative. I'm about 65% percent my boyfriend is a high functioning sociopath, or at least has tendencies. We've only been dating for about 3 months now. I began to catch him in lies after a couple weeks, things just didn't seem to add up with him. I consider myself a very empathetic and sensitive person, so I feel as if I caught on pretty quickly to all of it. I thought it was compulsive lying, or pathological lying so I went online and started reading about all the symptoms of sociopaths. I didn't really know anything about them before now. He's fits many of the characteristics, although he's not violent (that I know of). Extremely charming when he wants something, impulsive, manipulative, inability to tolerate boredom, ADD, behavior problems in school, difficulty with authority, narcissism, etc, etc.

We got drunk/stoned together a couple weeks ago and all his/these behaviors were completely exacerbated. It scared me and I tried to break up with him the next day. I basically confronted him, telling him that I thought he was dis genuine, wasn't sincere, I thought he was "acting" with me some of the time. I didn't come out and say I thought he was a sociopath but danced around it. He denied all of it. He's gone out of his way to win me back. Laying the charm on thick, being sweet, kind, etc. Sometimes I feel like it's just a game to him, and I'm playing along. Sometimes I do think he's genuine. We're still hanging out though. Is there anyway that he's not aware he's a sociopath? That he understands that he's different but doesn't quite know how or why?

He fascinates me. His reactions and behaviors are really interesting, and feel that he's so smart to be able to fool people around him, and just keep up with it all. Since I"ve confronted him, the lying has seemed to stop or be toned down. I think he's aware that I can see through him sometimes. I guess I really want him to admit it to me...and least some part of himself. I think he's comfortable with me, and wonder if he's ever told anyone. I doubt he has. I know that you don't know him, as everyone is different, but perhaps you can shed some light on the matter for me. I guess my question for you is: isn't it exhausting putting on this act in front of me (and the world))? I've given him plenty of opportunity to be somewhat honest with me without being judgmental. Wouldn't he just want to be truthful with me, I feel as if it would be a huge relief? He must be so lonely and telling someone might alleviate some of that. Part of me feels like he's very scared that I'll walk away if he tells me..which doesn't add up to me since I thought he wasn't supposed to care about anyone else? Maybe it's a pride thing and it will hurt his ego if I walk? Sociopaths don't have the ability to love, but it seems as if they have the ability to be fond of, or like someone at the least?!? Is that right? I guess I'm just confused and needed somewhere to vent. I can't talk to my friends about this. Noone understands what he's like unless you spend a significant amount of time with him. He is usually very kind to me and I really care about him but don't want to be naive, and/or a pawn if that's all it is to him. I understand that he will never feel the same as me, but will he feel anything toward me?

Again, thanks for all the information. Your blog has been the most real and NON scary site there is out there about sociopaths. I read the Sociopath Next Door and pretty much flipped. It seems rather exaggerated. Your site has been extremely helpful and insightful for me. Keep it up!

Thanks,

Monday, June 15, 2009

Sociopath friends

My friends who know I am a sociopath will sometimes question the friendship: why do you want to be my friend? What am i to you? Do you even care? The short answer is yes, I do. I enjoy your company, I like you enough to spend time with you. When you become my friend, you become a part of me, and as such I definitely care about your well-being.

I don't know whether that is normal friendship. I know that even empaths can have shallow friendships of convenience, but I wonder if there is something more. I wonder what else my friends are expecting from me when they ask me those questions -- what do they mean by "care about"? A reader writes about friendship:
You know, I've tried to talk to a few people about the way my mind works, but it's always failed miserably. One of the first people is the closest thing I have to a best friend. He didn't believe me, thinking I was confused or depressed. He thinks that the times I've helped is parents out with things have been out of the kindness of my heart, but it's always been a bribe. The truth is that I've been rewarding them for being an option when I need them, doing my best to promote that behavior in the future. And any time I've shared anything with said friend, it's always been so that I could have company doing whatever it was I was doing. I never really cared whether he had fun or not except that he was fun for me when he was having fun. He was having some major health problems for a while, and there was a possibility that he had an infectious disease and wasn't going to live much longer. My first thoughts upon hearing this were 1) could I have contracted the disease from him somehow? and 2) if he died, there would be nothing left tying me to this city or state. He didn't have the disease, and there's apparently no danger of him dying, but reflecting on my reaction to news about my "best friend"'s possible death left me feeling a bit like a monster.

My "best friend" before that wound up shooting himself in the head. I was actually on the phone with him the day before, while he was in the store picking out the gun. His death didn't affect me at all, and I couldn't bring myself to go to his funeral. Everybody else who knew him (he was very well-liked) was completely torn, and I couldn't see myself standing straight-faced among so many mourners. The only thoughts crossing my mind at the time were 1) what's next? and 2) why wasn't I affected like they were?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Update: Am I a Sociopath?

From our questioning reader (or reader in question):
I must admit, this week has been rather amazing so far. I haven't had much trouble with anxiety. My job hasn't stressed me. I feel just fine not caring, and it's amazing how naturally responses to tough questions come to me if I'm not putting specific effort into being honest. Even talking to women has been strangely easier. Almost too easy. I'm used to women staying away from me as if they get "bad vibes," but now I'm being told that I'm easy to open up to. One woman told me she felt like she could tell me anything, because I was so "honest." I definitely need more practice before I can get to the level where I want to be, but I can see it happening.

I'm not sure why or how, but I've started to think of life more like a game again. It's not a change I consciously strove for, and it's very subtle. But it's a pleasant change from the anxieties I've been facing. While I found myself laughing and joking around today, I stopped to think if I was actually happy or amused. Honestly, I didn't feel any different from when I was sitting in front of my computer coding. I was just joking with my boss to avoid concentrating on work, and it came so naturally. That's one thing I've always done, but I never really stopped to think about the smile and the laugh. They're not real. The jokes aren't real. They're just there to make HIM laugh. Even while I was realizing this, I just kept right on doing it.

It reminds me of when I was younger... sometimes, while I was crying, if I was alone, I would go look in the mirror and smile. I genuinely felt sad, but something made me want to see if I could smile. And I could... and then pick right back up crying again. After that, I had quite a preoccupation with making myself exhibit inappropriate emotions in private. Looking back, it makes me wonder if I was ever sad at all. Such a curiosity doesn't strike me as something a sad person would embrace in the midst of an emotional storm. Trying to figure out how much of what I think I felt was real, and how much was either extremely shallow or manufactured subconsciously, has been very confusing.

In my early to mid teens, this fascination took on a stranger twist. It's something I've actually never mentioned to anyone, because I can't imagine how anyone could understand it, considering my image as a kind, considerate, and highly intelligent person. When I was alone, if I had nothing to do, I would degrade into an almost feral state. I'd run and leap around the house, sometimes on all fours, growling, roaring, and making terrible and strange faces after leaping in front of a mirror, staring myself in the eye. I could never imagine myself even imitating this behavior in front of another human being. As soon as I sensed the presence of another person, my demeanor would immediately change. I've never been able to make sense of it. It stopped after I started the drugs. Bizarre, don't you think?

That's my update so far. We'll see how things play out.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Who do you love?

Question from a reader, my answers are in bold:
I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago because after many lies I became suspicious and logged on to a few of his accounts and found out that he had also been cheating. This man told me he loved me within 3-4 weeks of meeting me. Has constantly told me how beautiful and sexy I was. Had a sex drive that was incredible. We could have sex several times a day and he would still masturbate. He could have orgasms one after the other up to 4 in a row. During all of this he was seeing another woman who he had started an affair with prior to me once a week at lunch. He wanted me to have his baby, wanted to move in with me. Said I could stay home with the child and not work. Everythink that I wanted he swore he wanted too. A little farm in the country, yes, organic food, yes. He knew my ex had pushed me to have an abortion so he was going to have his vasectomy reversed so that we could have a child together. This is a classic example of how sociopaths are so inherently flexible. They have the ability to become whatever they want. Whatever you want, if you strike their fancy. I mean, really, what are the chances of this man wanting a farm in the country, organic food, etc.? Clearly a sociopath.

All of this while lying constantly, texting other women on a regular basis, having a long term affair with another. He is a heavy pot smoker, heavy drinker. He believes he is very intelligent. The things that make me question whether he was a sociopath are that he was in the navy for 8 years. The military would be a good "legitimate" outlet for his destructive, thrill-seeking ways, and power-seeking behavior. He probably didn't mind taking orders from one person as long as he knew he could lord it over another larger group.
Married for 10 but she left him because of his constant lying, pot addiction and bursts of anger. She said it was like dealing with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He has a great job now that he has had for several years and seems to be fairly conscientious about it. He screws off a lot but he has a lot of responsiblity and seems to take it seriously when necessary. Yeah, high-functioning sociopaths do this. They have a concept of not defecating where they eat. They will keep certain things stable in their life and find outlets for their deviant behavior in ways that are less likely to backfire on them.
After breaking up with him he denied for several days even though I had written proof and then went from being angry and mean to begging me to give him another chance from one hour to the next. He swears that his D day for being the man that I deserved was when he was moving in (just a few after I caught him) but I assume it is all just more lies. I mean, what is a lie really? Sounds like he wants you in his life, just maybe not on terms that you would prefer. What do you want to hear from him? That he is dedicated to you in his way? Sounds like he is. That he can be dedicated to you in a way that normal people can? Sounds like he can't. What role does honesty have when you are asking him to be someone he is not or else you will take away something very valuable to him. Wouldn't we all "lie" to prevent that from happening? Even if just to ourselves? Did you ever lie to yourself in the relationship?

Does that sound like a Sociopath or is there something closely related that has more bearing? Sociopath, although you have given me just a handful of choice facts. Who knows what is really going on in his mind.

It really shouldn't matter but for some stupid reason if it is based on an actual condition maybe I don't have to feel like such an idiot for buying into what he was selling. Were you an idiot? Am I an idiot if I watch an inane blockbuster movie and get a few laughs? Maybe you were just enjoying yourself. At least the sex, right?

He made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and swore I made him a better man but his actions were so the opposite. See, why would you go questioning the fact that you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Can't he think that and behave as he did? If he is a sociopath he can. Is his behavior really so inconsistent? I mean, polyamory is not for everyone, but it's not so out there. I'm just saying, does it matter more to you how he feels about you and how he treats you? Or what he does when you are not around? Does he have to be his "real" self all the time? And if he was, would you even like him still?

I am self diagnosing him but I thought I would look for a little feedback.

Thanks.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Fearmongering called out

Reader D. Birdick shares a pretty charming book review of one of the more alarmist of pop sociopath "literature":
Hey, how goes it?

I came across this review of Martha Stout's book The Sociopath Next Door on Amazon that I thought you might find amusing and even a bit insightful:

Dark Mechanicus JSG "Black Ops Teep"
Welcome to my World!

Yep, many have called me a sociopath in my day. Only one of them, however, got to say something after that, and that was only because the gun jammed.

Ha! Ha! Kidding. Martha Stout has put together this slender little tome, packed with pop science and plenty of white desert-like margins, that sets out to let you know that:

1)Four percent of the population exhibits sociopathic qualities. For the mathematically challenged---that is, pretty much 96% of the population---that means 1 out of 25.

Think about that statistic for a minute.Take an office with 25 people, and chances are Herbie the Courier Guy or Roald (you know, Roald, the guy with glasses and the shaky sweaty hands, the Quiet One. Roald. Sheesh) has invested in some XP-142 Night Vision goggles and a serrated knife, and, um, a GPS device that might lead him to your front door.

At 2 in the morning. Just so we're clear.

2) These sociopath guys, like the Wu-Tang Clan, ain't nothing to mess with. No sir. They can't love. They don't feel emotion. They're Republican. They're corporate chieftains. They ride in the Lear, the Limo, the Maybach. They invented War. They smear cats with napalm, then duct tape them to the underside of your car, right by the rear exhaust, with a tricked-out bic lighter just waiting for ignition.

Sorry, I made that last one up. But you get the general gist of the book.

"Sociopath Next Door" is simply not scholarly, and verges on dangerous. Sociopath is a pop-term, like psycho, like axe-murderer, like boogeyman, El Diablo, or Janet Reno, with about the same level of erudition & exactness. It's jarring to see the term used so callously. Isn't it dangerous to fling terms and profiles, particularly ones as crudely formed and ill-defined as this, in what is essentially piece of pulp pop-science?

"Sociopath" even tries to put together a home-made psycho alarm for the Gentle Reader, the better to ferret out whether weird Mr. Fishbein, the crazy coot who lies next door, lies awake on his bed at nights dressed only in a giant plastic baggy whispering to his AK-47 and plotting your demise. Guess what should set off alarm bells & unleash the hounds?

That's right: someone who asks for pity. For mercy. For clemency. A pity-junky, according to this book, is a ravening sociopath probably plotting to get you fired, pour acid on your car, and eat your firstborn child with some fava beans and a fine chianti.

"Sociopath" also spends some time talking about the supposed human superstition against killing: according to her, people really kill only when supervised by (you guessed it!) a drooling sociopath. The irony here: the author indicates one means by which men make their subjects kill is by de-humanizing the Other: using language to demonize, to turn the Outsider, the Pariah, the Unclean (usually some target ethnic or religious group), into an "It".

It's a fair point.. But skim her book, and simply replace sociopath with any ethnic epithet and take a look at how it reads. Avoid the devilish sociopaths. They don't feel. They're not human. They have cold blood. They're killers. Four percent of the planet is responsible for all the rape, the killing, the torture, and the endless popularity of David Hasselhoff.

Hasn't this book demonized sociopaths as brutally, as unfairly, as unjustly, as anything any Monster of History did with their fave victim class? Where's the Love for the American Psycho? Are we not also Human? Cut* us, do we not bleed? Cut us twice, do we not make you bleed more?

But what "Sociopath" edges away from is the really interesting question here: what if sociopathy is not a malady? What if it's evolution? What if the guy who doesn't get all weepy over "Beaches" is really Humanity New New Thing, the silver-suited astropath who will transcend this miserable mortal coil and help us defeat the Ichthyoid Nasties from Betelgeuse 14?

In the meantime, using the book's 'method' for spotting psychos is about as useful as playing spin the bottle. Intuition, instinct, and your own experience probably cuts the mustard, and you don't have to waste your money on this one-way ticket to Paranoia. Granted, instinct isn't perfect.

But it sure beats fretting over whether your trip next door to borrow the lawnmower should include a can of mace, a sawed-off 12 gauge, and kevlar body armor.

JSG

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Am I a sociopath? (part 6)

My long response:
Sorry I haven't written back sooner. I have been thinking a lot about what you wrote, though. Your story has reminded me so much of my own, and you are hitting this self-recognition point right about the same age that I did. I didn't start hitting my first rough patches in life or in interactions with others until my late teens, early twenties. Like you, whenever I had problems, I would doubt myself, wonder whether maybe things needed to change, maybe I needed to see the world a little differently -- but stuff would calm down and I was pretty Burkean about things -- if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I really had a skewed view of the world, too. I was so self-deceived. I felt like I was two people: I was the person I pretended to be, and I was the person I feared I was. I would snap back and forth between the two like Jekyll and Hyde. When I was trying to be good, by playing by the rules, I would be Jekyll, when things weren't going my way or I felt that other people were "cheating," I turned into Hyde. It's funny, by avoiding who we are as sociopaths, by trying to ignore or avoid our natural tendencies to manipulate and wear masks, we become even more manipulative and masked. We try to be something we are not, try to convince others that we are something we are not, we think our "emotional" reactions to things are justified and act accordingly, when really they are just Jekyll-crazy claims that we take as if they came from honest-Hyde. Do you know what I mean? It's one thing to hear voices telling us to kill people and realize that it is a hallucination, a side effect of a malfunctioning brain. It is quite another thing to hear the voice and think it is god telling us what we need to do. When we pretend that we aren't sociopaths, we take information and perceptions we receive with our sociopath brain and interpret it under what we think are empath rules. What we end up with is a ticking time bomb of self-deception and totally misguided beliefs and irrational behavior -- we literally act like we are crazy.

As a concrete and personal example of what I'm talking about, although I was widely respected and accomplished as a teenager, I never had close friends through my teenage years. After a long period of time in isolation due to my studies, I realized how important human interaction was compared to academic or professional achievements . When I reentered society, I put a huge emphasis on personal relationships, particularly friendship and camaraderie, but in what I see now as a very sterile, selfish way. Because of my natural skills, it was very easy to make friends -- I could be whatever they wanted. Plus I seemed to have everything and, despite that, still wanted to be their friend. People were flattered, but mere months in the friendship I would tire of things being always about them. Their faults would bother me, I would be mean, they would react poorly, things would escalate to the point of me flipping a switch to a total remorseless, vengeance-minded sociopath. I would pour out the wrath, and the other person would never be the same. I felt bad whenever this happened. I tried to figure out what went wrong, but always through my same lenses of self-deception. Kind of like your experience: "I've always reached a point of terror and confusion, and then I'd force everything to the back of my mind and go on trying to be a normal person." I would always go back to the same way of doing things, the same way of thinking. But I was increasingly afraid of myself, what I could do to people -- what I did do to people. I felt out of control. I started warning friends to watch out for me. The pattern continued until I had my own personal version of scorched earth. I retreated from society again and really tried to figure out this time what was happening, who I was. This time I was truly open to any real possibility.

What I came up with at the time was that I was different, I was special. Or perhaps more accurately, I had special powers and abilities, and that made me different. I felt like the proverbial superhero myth, originated with tales of the gods. Like Superman, like Heracles, (like Harry Potter even?), like so many other people born with talents for writing, theatre, dance, music, I seemed normal at first, indistinguishable from anyone else, really. But I wasn't -- I had a gift. That's how I thought of it back then. Just as I would think it was a waste if Bach had never written a note, Dickens had never written a line, etc. etc., I knew I had a responsibility to magnify my talents. Maybe this sounds grandiose or narcissistic, but it helped me to accept myself at the time, helped me reform good habits of dealing with myself and others. And it is true. The world needs people like us. We fulfill a very special function -- we have been evolutionary selected over millenia. And we are rare. That makes us very powerful, and yes, very special. Hating sociopaths is like hating a wildfire. We may seem destructive, but we pave the way for growth and renewal by rebooting the land back to a more pure state.

I would write more, answer questions from your earlier emails, but not now. Soon. But keep me informed. I am very happy for you.

Best,
M.E.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Am I a sociopath? (part 5)

Our questioning reader:
Hello again.

This will be the last message I send unless you see fit to send a reply. I've done a lot of thinking over the past couple days, and I do believe I'm a sociopath. While I often seek out the affection and acceptance of others, I never truly feel anything in return. If they reject me, and I feel hurt, it's only at being denied something I want. I do have a lot of the symptoms associated with aspergers syndrome; however, people with AS do seem to have a sense of right and wrong, along with affection for others. I'm quite indifferent to anything that happens to anyone other than myself, unless it happens to me. Even my family members mean very little to me, and I usually only contact them to alleviate boredom, maintain appearances, or get their help with something.

I think the bulk of my confusion was caused by my desire to be liked and accepted. I wanted to believe that I was a normal human being, not a beast who deserved to be treated poorly. These desires, along with the anxiety I felt, served not only as motivators for my self-deception, but also as a mechanism for denial. Surely, a sociopath wouldn't have such intense reactions to such things.

Reading your site, and quite a few others, has really started to opened my eyes. I'm beginning to see that Sociopaths aren't the heartless creatures portrayed by the media. We do have feelings, even if we aren't capable of genuine affection, empathy, guilt, or remorse. As such, having them doesn't necessarily preclude a person from being a sociopath, nor does being a sociopath mean that we must take pleasure in causing pain for others.

I think I'm starting to realize that it's okay to be what most would consider fake, because my desires and methods are what truly define me, and my masks are a part of that. Whether I've wanted to or not, for the past five years, I've been finding traits I admire in people and consciously adding them to my repertoire, albeit not as successfully as the type of sociopath you see in the movies. It's all I knew how to do. I think my failures are almost certainly due to a conflict between my natural inclinations toward manipulation and my fear of being a subhuman husk.

In the process, I feel I've also been denying myself the core of my potential: sheer tenacity.

Today, I allowed myself to put on masks which I didn't try to believe in myself. It felt so natural. It felt so liberating. It didn't leave me feeling drained like trying to mix assimilated personality traits with constant honesty and identity checks. I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do before I can do this consistently and effectively, but it was such a relief to do it at all. It made me feel at peace.

I'd like to apologize for the confused emails I sent you before. This struggle to understand myself has been raging for several years now, on and off. I've always reached a point of terror and confusion, and then I'd force everything to the back of my mind and go on trying to be a normal person. This time, I've reached what I believe to be a conclusion, and it's largely due to what I've read on your site.

I no longer fear myself.
I don't feel so alone.
I no longer feel defective.

Thank you.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Am I a sociopath? (part 4)

Our questioning reader writes again:
I'm sorry for emailing you so much, but I've never had the opportunity to speak with someone about these things without the fear of being judged. It's been eating at me for about 5 years, ever since I started realizing that there was something wrong with my emotional and moral circuitry. It's been extremely confusing for me, and I'm not sure how to cope with it.

I'm sure it must sound quite crazy.

After reading information at WrongPlanet and on your Site... though I have many of the symptoms of Aspergers, I find myself identifying more readily with things I've read here.

There's a side of me that I've struggled to repress ever since I became aware of it. When I was younger, I used to take pleasure in causing pain to people who I felt had wronged me. Even offending my ego was enough to set me off. I won't get into the things I did, because that's really not important, but what is important was the general lack of remorse I felt. It was always their fault. Their deserved what happened to them. They should have expected it. That kind of thinking.

But I did feel emotions. I just felt whatever emotions I needed to feel at the time. If I needed someone to feel sorry for me, I'd get very sad and start crying. If I needed someone to take my side in something, I'd feel victimized. The feelings were very shallow, but they were there none-the-less.

I don't feel that any more. Ever since I became aware of it, I haven't been able to allow myself to feel much of anything. I suffer terrible social anxiety now, and I never used to. I feel like I have to watch everything I say or do, and it's debilitating. The worst part is I can see how easy it would be to fit in if I could just bring myself to actively put on a show instead of relying on passive defense techniques... but I just can't do it. I'm afraid that I'll lose a part of myself that I won't be able to get back. I'm afraid of being hollow.

I want so badly for this quest to understand myself to stop. To end. Without worrying that I'll completely lose myself. I look in the mirror, and I see someone who is capable of anything.

It's so confusing, and it leads me in so many different directions. It's inconsistent. It makes me feel insane, but only when I'm thinking about myself. I just don't understand why I can't understand my own identity.

Constantly watching myself is debilitating. It's making life very tough. Keeping myself honest is very tough. My natural inclination in any situation is just to say whatever I need to say, but I struggle to speak with absolute honesty. I struggle not to magically become whatever a person needs me to become just to get close to them. When I'm around other people, I almost can't function, because so much of my focus is spent gauging my reactions and scrutinizing my thoughts. Am I being honest? Should I really say this? I usually wind up at a loss for words, or being brutally honest about everything... which makes it hard to have a sense of humor until I can "figure out" someone else's sense of humor.

Again, I apologize for all of this. I'm just hoping you can help me to understand myself, or give me some advice. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I just know that something most definitely is, and I'm afraid to settle on anything--especially sociopathy.

Am I a sociopath? (part 3)

I'm going to publish the responses from our questioning reader in roughly the same time sequence that I received them and responded so you can get an idea of his thought process, which may be very familiar to a lot of you:
One other diagnosis I'm considering is Aspergers Syndrome. Everything I said in my last email is true, but I lack the ability to blend in socially that I've read most sociopaths have. I'm oblivious to non-verbal communication, and there are many quirks that set me apart from those you might consider normal. I may simply share the emotional detachment, and a few other traits, with sociopaths.

Honestly, I'm very confused. I would see a professional, but I have a problem with authority figures even though I find myself seeking some kind of validation. I'm not sure I could be honest with doctor, even if I tried--even if I thought I was being honest. As I said, looking into myself isn't something I'm very good at.

About being a sociopath... do you experience no emotions at all? This isn't how life feels to me. It feels to me like my emotions are filtered to the point of being beyond my comprehension, like an engine silently powering all of the logical mechanisms in my personality. To be honest with you, I didn't even recognize them until a phase of drug abuse cracked my ego. Coincidentally, it was the first time I realized I could be wrong and recognized that rationally, I wasn't the smartest person on the planet.

Anyway, that was several years ago, and I've come to recognize the existence of my emotions, but I can't embrace or express them because they're quite terrifying. They're very primitive... very simple and extremely powerful. To me, this doesn't really fit with what I've read about sociopaths. It seems like it may be a) an autism spectrum disorder or b) some kind of developmental disability. I find it hard to believe that a true sociopath could be made aware of his own feelings through drug abuse, though I suppose anything is possible. What's your take on this?

Thank you for your response. I'm glad you took the time to make one.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Am I a sociopath? (part 2)

My response:
From what I have seen, you sound like a sociopath to me, but don't be disheartened. I think you will find that as you continue to learn more about your condition and yourself, the world will begin to seem very right.

Self deception is a classic denial symptom. Denying the sociopathic aspect of yourself distorts how you see others and impairs your judgment. It is important that you realize that you are different from others -- this will help you to avoid hurting them. For instance, most people assume that everyone else is like them and project their own feelings and emotions on others, e.g. "I wouldn't be offended by that comment, so they shouldn't be, either." This is faulty thinking. What you think or feel has nothing to do with what most people think or feel. In fact, it is best to avoid all normative judgments in favor of descriptive ones. Normative judgments hide a million different biases and self deceptions that will lead you astray.

You are special. You are very smart, I am sure, but better than that, you think in a way that very few other people think. Your success at utilizing the intellect that you have likely lies in your ability to think outside of the box all the time. This is easy for you because you have never been inside the box -- you don't even know what it looks like. You can see things that no one else can because you have entirely different experiences coloring your clarity of vision -- their blindspots are where you excel and vice versa.

You seek answers. You seek logic and structure. You probably see behavior around you from neurotypicals that you cannot explain. The explanation for their behavior is the most complicated and difficult thing for a sociopath to understand, but in seeking those answers you will learn much about yourself as well. You will also learn that just because we can manipulate others does not mean we choose to do so. Just because we can exploit does not mean we choose to do so. Sometimes you find weaknesses that you do exploit, and sometimes you find flaws in society that you patch. Sociopathy includes both variants. Personal preference, upbringing, and life objectives can all influence why we choose to do what we do. What makes you a sociopath is not that you choose to do certain things, but that you are presented with an entirely different set of choices than a neurotypical person.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Am I a sociopath? (part 1)

So wonders a reader:
Hello.

I think I might be a sociopath, but I'm not sure. I don't have a conscience per se, it's more like a logical guide for what is right and wrong. Nothing turns my stomach, no type of immoral behavior enrages me unless I'm on the receiving end. All of my responses, even my "emotional" responses, are calculated and performed.

I know I'm not the smartest person on the planet--VERY WELL, but I feel it. As far as my heart and soul are concerned, there is nobody smarter on this planet, even though the very mind in question knows that's not the case.

I use people when I can, so long as it doesn't hurt them in the process. I'm not sure if that's because I don't want to hurt people or because I'd like to believe I'm not manipulative. Generally speaking, I don't lie about anything except for my feelings.

But I don't go out of my way to hurt people. I actually go out of my way NOT to hurt people. Pretty much my entire life IS an act, and I don't really know who I am... but I'm definitely not normal, nor do I fit all of the negative aspects of the sociopath stereotype.

What does this sound like to you? I'm asking because as much as I'm able to make sense of the world around me, I cannot for the life of me make sense of myself. That is the one thing that my mind can't penetrate. I can state facts about what I do, what I don't do, my habits and tendencies, etc, but trying to form an opinion about myself is like walking through a minefield of self-deception and convenient stray thoughts.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Reader responds: Talented Mr. Ripley

In response to our earlier exchange:
Thanks to your post, I was inspired to watch “The Talented Mr. Ripley” again. I was like him in so many ways, minus the serial killing. I was 20 years old when, like Tom, I realized that I appeared to be missing something other people around me seemed to have and take for granted: a firm belief in their sense of self. Unlike Tom Ripley, I didn’t lock in on one particular person who would embody everything I thought I could/should be (i.e. Dickie Greenleaf). I became your classic seeker. I looked for that missing self in a variety of places. My manhunt involved reading a slew of books about philosophy, religion and psychology as well as joining several groups, including the military. I was almost always loved and prized in these groups. I never had a problem getting people to open their homes and their hearts to me. You’d think that would be enough but it wasn’t because I knew. I knew that what the others loved wasn’t real. But I thought that surely some belief system, some moral philosophy, some religion, some group somewhere held the key that would unlock the vault that held the “real me”. It would take years of searching and struggle before I finally reached the place Tom Ripley did at the end of the movie when he realizes that his quest to be a “fake somebody” as opposed to a “real nobody” would never succeed. And like Tom, I was despondent about that. Then I got over it. My inability to fool myself about my self forever cuts me off from the rest of humanity’s common experience. So what. That doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy my life. Besides, without a rock hard sense of self for the brain to constantly recreate, project and defend, I’d be free to pursue my goals without the emotional baggage other people think of as normal.

And just as I’m coming to grips with all of this, I stumble upon your blog. If I believed in a magical universe, I’d call it destiny.

Enough rambling. Thank you for responding to my email. It was very well put. I think that your comments were spot on. And yes, you should definitely publish this exchange, especially your answer. Imagine if I’d gotten these answers when I was 20…

Monday, June 1, 2009

Sociopaths = flexible sense of self

In response to this post, the following question from a reader:
What's up Me. I'd really love to know where you get your information from regarding the sociopath's flexible sense of self. I haven't come across any other material on sociopathology that describes this undefined underlying personality structure you talk about. I'd like to do some more reading about it.

Thanks again for the blog. It's been most illuminating.
My response:
You answered your own question before I got the chance to respond. As you have probably seen in your own research, the concept of a sociopath having an extremely flexible sense of self is not entirely original to me, but you were probably unable to find it stated outright (at least I have not been able to find such a clear statement) in any of the scientific literature. That shouldn't be surprising, though. The literature on sociopaths is quite terrible and almost always fear-mongering. Psychologists studying sociopathy focus on the symptoms rather than the underlying causes.Tthere is some work being done mapping brains of sociopaths, and that has revealed that the brain of a sociopath does in fact work in ways different than an empath's brain. Still, though, scientists seem more concerned with defining the characteristics of a sociopath based anecdotally on what a sociopath is not, e.g. how a sociopath differs from an empath behaviorally, rather than studying the sociopath for what he is -- a different human variant. This is the common complaint of the neurodiversity movement: stop seeing our variations from normal human behavior as symptoms of a defect, and start acknowledging that we have a separate but equal system of thought and survival.

But back to your question. I got my information from piecing together seemingly disparate elements of the literature on sociopaths in a way that conformed with my own personal experience . Psychologists see traits like "inability to conform to social norms," "lack of conscience," "chameleon-esque," "masked," "charming," "undetectable," and "versatility" and think that it is a hodgepodge of unrelated characteristics. They understand the "what," but they don't understand the "how." As you mentioned in your most recent comment, I believe the "how," the origin of many of our observed behaviors, is that we don't have a rigid sense of self, a characteristic that I believe you correctly label as one of the sociopath's defining characteristics, and if I may add, perhaps the predominant defining characteristic.

I'm glad you enjoy the blog. I enjoy your comments. And do let us all know if you find anything written on the sociopath's flexible sense of self.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Sociopaths in the news: branding humans

This is totally something I would think is a good idea:
JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - A Swaziland parliamentarian has apologized after calling for HIV-positive people to be branded on the buttocks to stop the spread of the virus ravaging the country.

Timothy Myeni drew widespread criticism after telling a parliamentarians' workshop in Swaziland that the move would enable people to check partners for a warning stamp before sex.

"I'm very sorry. If you need me to show a sign of how sorry I am, I'm ready," SAPA news agency quoted Myeni as telling a news conference in Johannesburg on Thursday.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Animals have a sense of morality?

According to one scientist at least:
Scientists studying animal behaviour believe they have growing evidence that species ranging from mice to primates are governed by moral codes of conduct in the same way as humans.

Until recently, humans were thought to be the only species to experience complex emotions and have a sense of morality.

But Prof Marc Bekoff, an ecologist at University of Colorado, Boulder, believes that morals are "hard-wired" into the brains of all mammals and provide the "social glue" that allow often aggressive and competitive animals to live together in groups.

He has compiled evidence from around the world that shows how different species of animals appear to have an innate sense of fairness, display empathy and help other animals that are in distress.
I don't get what is so special about moral compasses if they are all relative to the particular culture one is raised in and do not necessarily include those perceived as outsiders:
"Just as in humans, the moral nuances of a particular culture or group will be different from another, but they are certainly there. Moral codes are species specific, so they can be difficult to compare with each other or with humans."
Looks like we sociopaths are more alone than we thought. But at least no one will ever be able to call us filthy animals anymore.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Your sociopath questions answered

From a reader's comment, my responses are in bold:
It's strange to me that sociopaths are supposedly not capable of empathy, not "love", but can you have affectionate feelings toward other people? Yes. Many sociopaths express love for family and other "favorites." Their "love" means whatever it means, maybe the love you have for a favorite pet, or a child, or a favorite band, or an old comfortable pair of jeans. And can you really tell if you do or don't? Can anyone? Can you Hate? Do you get angry? Is there a difference between anger and hate other than permanence? If there is a difference besides permanence, then i don't think I experience hate, just anger.

I have watched Dexter, and to me he hasn't fit the profile of what I have thought of as a sociopath, other than that he kills without remorse. But he only kills BAD people. I am not a killer, but when I hate someone I think if I COULD kill them without anyone ever knowing, and there were NO chance I would be caught, I would. And I wouldn't feel bad about it. But I can't be sure of that, cause I'm not going to try it. Do you think Dexter would feel bad if he killed only good people? Are sociopaths defined by their actions? Or how they feel about their actions?

Dexter also SEEMS to care about that stupid, annoying simpering girlfriend of his. I have read that sociopaths like to play with and torment people that they have relationships with, and man, not even being a sociopath, I would be tempted to squash HER. Maybe you are also a sociopath. He seems to care about her children, too. I think it is easier for sociopaths to be fond of children than adults. They have similar views of the world, in certain ways, and children seem so guileless compared to the typical hypocrite that is the adult empath. So.. you guys are confusing! Not really.

I also don't think Jeffrey dahmer was a sociopath.. He seemed to feel bad about what he did. I Do think our ex president was, and maybe ones before him. Not sure if you have to be drawn to "bad" things if you have no conscience? No, not necessarily. It is common misconception that just because you do not have a conscience, you would just indulge in every "bad" thing available to you. There are other motivating factors behind human decisions besides consciences. For instance, you claim to have a conscience, and yet you would readily kill "bad" people if you could be certain you would not be caught. Consciences are overrated and flawed anyway. Are you necessarily drawn to pulling the wings of flies and torturing puppies? Why that and not curiosity about other things? Or is there? Not torture and mayhem for all sociopaths, everyone has their own personal preferences. Imagine stroke victims or other brain damaged people who lose their inhibitions. They don't act crazy so much as act like an unfiltered, unadulterated version of themselves. Each sociopaths is still a unique individual, what sets us apart collectively from empaths is that we have different ways of interacting with the world. Ok, that's all. IF you can make out any coherent questions in that that you feel like answering... And then I have to try to determine whether you're BSing me! Oh, and what's this with COMRADERIE with other sociopaths? Having this blog... Dexter wanting a friend, companion, not wanting to be alone? I would think that sort of thing would be ant psychopathological. So what do I know? Human beings are social animals. Isolation drives us crazy. There is nothing about sociopathy that would prevent us from wanting human contact, to avoid loneliness, to be deeply understood and appreciated.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sexuality and sociopathy

Sociopathy is a personality disorder. We are unusually impressionable, very flexible with our sense of self, and with our defining characteristics. Because we don't have a rigid self-image or worldview, we don't observe social norms, we don't have a moral compass, and we have a fluid definition of right and wrong. We can also be shapeshifters, smooth-talking, and charming. We can become your ideal mate, in a way described here and here. We do not have an established default position on anything. This extends, at least in some degree, to our sexuality.

The original diagnostic and statistical manual (DSM), released in 1952, listed homosexuality as a sociopathic personality disturbance. The connection between the two was subsequently removed due to protests from the gay community that homosexuality was being equated with sociopathy. Many have commented since that sociopaths seem to have no particular sexual identity, that even the term bisexual is misleading as it implies some sort of a preference, albeit a shared one, and that "equal opportunity" is a more apt label. In fact, the sociopath seems to be the bonobo of the human world -- frequent, casual, utilitarian sex. As one person reasoned, "such an individual, in their quest for dominance and power would not feel the need to discriminate according to gender."

We see fictional examples of the sociopathic "bisexual" with the talented Mr. Ripley, Joker from Batman (depending on who writes him), and real life examples with Leopold and Loeb and others listed here. If I had to speculate about current celebrities, I would also include Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise, and Lindsay Lohan, although narcissism could apply equally well for some of those.

I was thinking about all of this while reading an article on Sir Laurence Olivier's sexual predilections. Although married three times, he apparently also had many male interests, one of whom explained it as follows:
"He's like a blank page and he'll be whatever you want him to be. He'll wait for you to give him a cue, and then he'll try to be that sort of person."
Maybe larry wasn't a sociopath, maybe he was, but he shared with sociopaths the common characteristic of a weak sense of self, and he illustrates well how that might play out with one's sexual identity. In any case, the lesson learned here is not only does being a sociopath potentially make you a great thespian, it also gives new meaning to the old consolation, "there are plenty more fish in the sea."

Monday, May 25, 2009

Reader feedback

On an anti-socio site:
I previously posted a site that I’ve been watching that may help all of us quit swimmin in River De-Nile.

IT’s Sociopathworld.com REALLY BIZARRE stuff,

I am paraphrasing a new exact post of a self proclaimed S-
” As a N. I also memorize other peoples emotions , its the easiest way to seem human. Because I have No idea how to feel them myself. I’d be easy to spot….. Normal people may sense or feel the presence of evil.. It permeates from the P.”

Caution: For what its worth, someone also posted: “Warning this site is dangerous, Do NOT BLOG just read & leave!! IT IS A VIEW INTO THE MIND OF EVIL.”
Maybe a joke (?) but I tend to agree with the no posting. No winning in a war of words with a P. Crazy trumps ANYTHING we got!

When you guys have time to check into it- lots of info to sift thru- let me know what you think. I said before its good to ‘Know Thy Enemy”. THis may be benefical.
Ah, Sabrina, I am so glad that you found the site to be helpful. But "know they enemy"? Naw, let's be friends, shall we?
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