Self-diagnosing

It's been a while since we've had one of these.  From a reader wondering if she is a sociopath:


I didn't even consider it until a few weeks ago, when I was just taking some personality disorder quiz, rated ridiculously high on antisocial personality disorder, and then proceeded to identify with all of the symptoms listed. This doesn't really alarm me, but I think it should? I don't know. 

See, I wouldn't even think twice on it if it wasn't the answer to the question I've been asking myself for years: namely, the "what the hell is wrong with me" question. I always thought that I was probably crazy, but it wasn't impairing me so it didn't bother me. I use people like toys even when I know intellectually that I shouldn't. I've been astonishingly cruel to people who have offended me in the past, but on the whole, I'm the most charming person I think I've ever met. I don't think I'm seen anywhere besides my house without a smile on hand. Ask any of my friends; I'm a fun kind of person. Except I don't trust my friends. I don't tell them anything remotely personal, but I read them like a book, from body language to facial expressions to verbal cues. They tell me everything and trust me completely. I'm not touched but I feel like I should feel honored or some such thing. If I'm tearing into someone for some reason, I don't feel anything but a vague satisfaction if they're reduced to tears, and later on I don't feel guilty. In the past I've even tried to feel guilty for using people like that's the reason they're in my life, but I can't think of another use for them. If they can't benefit me in some way, why would I want them around? Anyways, all of those attempts at true remorse have failed dismally. I can produce tears at will, muster up enough emotion to put it on my face and watch other people believe me, but it goes away immediately. I can lie so convincingly that sometimes even I don't know if I'm actually telling the truth or not, much less the person I'm lying to. And they flow so naturally, I barely even have to think. I don't discriminate, either - at some point in my life I'm sure I've lied to just about everyone I know. I get bored, also. Insanely bored. I try to find almost any way out of this boredom; it makes me feel like I'm stagnating or something horrific like that. I can just see the rust forming in my brain. Ugh.

What used to bother me is that I'm such a chameleon that I don't even know who I am, or what kind of person I am (aside from charismatic). I have so many masks, they help me ace interviews, make friends wherever I find people, and get authority figures to trust me immediately even when they really, really shouldn't. I've displayed such behavior since I was around five, as far as I recall. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even a real person, just a collection of interchangeable personalities and an unshakeable coldness that seems to form the core of who I am. And I feel like this should upset me greatly, but what I find concerning is that it doesn't. Shouldn't it? When someone asks me if I feel guilty, or if I want to apologize, I always feel like saying, "should I?" They seem to know who I'm supposed to be, but I don't. And I certainly don't trust their judgement. But you seem to have similar occurrences, based on what I've read in your blog. And if anyone would know what exactly is the reason for these little, um, quirks, I figure it would be you, dear sociopath (and that honestly isn't an insult, fyi).

Please assist on this soul-searching quest I find myself on, and inform me if my suspicions are rooted in real evidence or I'm seriously just a lunatic with delusions of sociopathy. If you've read this, thank you for your time. If not, well, I'm sure you're busy and have many things to be attending to, but you couldn't spare a single moment to help a semi-innocent girl with an identity crisis? Where is your humanity? Yes, that was a joke. I'll stop wasting your time.

I thought -- it's always hard to tell from an email whether someone is a sociopath or not, but there is nothing here inconsistent with sociopathy.  And actually she doesn't seem to care what the diagnosis is either way.  I give it a big "maybe."  Thoughts?

Sociopath vs. sociopath (part 2)

My response:

This is a good question and a hard one to answer.  I'd say that it is definitely possible to recognize another sociopath in real life because I have done it once.  But it's also impossible to know whether or how many other sociopaths I have met in real life without being able to identify them.

The one time I recognized a sociopath in real life, the person was of my same general background, education, and was even in my same career, which helped immensely I am sure.  I think when you recognize each other, the thing that tips you off the most is watching them perform your same tricks.  This must be how conmen spot each other (or at least this is how it is always portrayed in film).  There was something somewhat unnerving about our subsequent interactions.  With both of us mirroring the other to a certain extent, it was almost the effect you get when two mirrors are facing -- an endless loop with no substance.  Still, I think we understood each other and got on well.

The only other sociopath I have met in person is someone whom I had been previously informed was a sociopath.  That interaction was in some ways more telling.  We come from very different backgrounds, are in different stages in life, and just generally live in two different worlds.  I don't think I would have been able to tell whether this person was a sociopath if I hadn't been made aware of the diagnosis ahead of time.  The more time I spent with this person, the more I saw similarities, but this person's tricks were a different set than mine -- surely a set more suited to their daily life than mine.  We still talk and get along well too, but I think we also can bore each other with our lack of substance and commonalities to discuss.  But also we must intrigue or attract the other, because we definitely still play games whenever either of us is in the mood.

Sociopath vs. sociopath (part 1)

From a reader:


Forgive me if this is a question that has been asked and addressed before; I stumbled upon the site quite recently, and have not yet had a chance to look back through the archives in any great detail.

I am curious about the interaction between sociopaths. Not just in an online medium such as this site, but in real life, in day-to-day activities. I ask because I have reason to believe that I have recently, through a family member, become a target of a high-functioning sociopath, who makes a game of destroying people from the inside out.

I recognise in myself several tendencies that point towards sociopathy, though I am not particularly anxious to label myself as anything. I know what I am; I don't need words to describe it to be at peace with my own identity. Though I am curious about it at times, it is more like an exercise in thought than an existential crisis.

What I wonder about is how quickly sociopaths are able to recognise one another, to see through the facade of an otherwise "normal" human being. I was not at all surprised to find that this person was a sociopath - after meeting him a few times, I found myself interested in him - not sexually; he has displayed sexual interest in me, but I believe that this is more of a ploy for control, free of either emotion or desire, as are many of his actions - but on an intellectually stimulating level. We got on like the proverbial house on fire; I found his conversation very diverting and humourous, and we quite quickly alienated the other people we were talking to. I will admit to a complete lack of modesty in saying that I am quite often unable to meet and converse with someone who is on the same level as me in terms of intelligence, so I relish these chances when I get them.

Before our meeting, he had displayed interest in me through hearing about me from my family member, and I reciprocated that interest, purely because of the sheer amount of second-hand flattery I was receiving from him. I found it questionable, and was curious as to the reason behind it. To find out that he was a sociopath who had made it his goal to destroy my family member, and had possible intentions of transferring those attentions to me, either to hurt them further, or as a new target, was not surprising, but rather, confirmed some suspicions of mine. Even if the word 'sociopath' had not sprung to mind on meeting him, there was something in his behaviour that matched the hallmarks of a sociopath.

To reinstate, I would like to know how sociopaths react to one another, being as they are lone wolves rather than pack animals, if you will. If they are quickly able to identify a fellow sociopath; if they feel the need to force a confrontation upon meeting; if they are able to co-exist in harmony; if they are inclined to avoid other sociopaths. While sociopaths are vastly outnumbered by the general population, it would be ridiculous to assume that their paths would never cross.

More portraits of sociopathy

People always ask me questions. Sometimes I ask them questions back:

What did it feel like to discover you were a sociopath? Were you more relieved or curious that there was a label for the type of person you are?

I've been trying to put a label on myself for the type of person I am for years now -- since I was around 14 years old. The fact that I've never been able to quite understand emotions or why people have them effectively resulting in a sense of separation from the rest of society and an overwhelming drive to engage in grandiose entrepreneurial projects, the end result of which is usually a fantasy in taking over something or someone, has led me to think I had Aspergers syndrome (a mild form of autism marked with anti-social behavior and the ability to hyperfocus on sometimes superfluous hobbies).

But, after hearing from several people (the guy at the bar, an ex girlfriend, co-workers) that I had a sociopathic personality I decided to research it further and was incredibly relieved that I had finally found the correct label. At least now I feel as though I stand in some niche and that there are verifiable characteristics and an adhering portion of the population.

Did you always know you were different? or had you assumed that everyone else was just like you?

When I was in Middle School -- about 13 years old -- I came to home room one day and the kid I had been sitting next to since the beginning of the year wasn't there and everyone around me was crying. I asked what was going on and they sobbingly expressed to me that he was dead. He had been riding his ATV and flew off and hit a tree and died instantly.

My first thought? "Damnit, I wonder how long before everybody stops crying and talking about this and everything is back to normal".

That's also the first time I've ever been yelled at for not crying during an "appropriate" crying situation, but not the last. I just didn't feel ANYTHING for the situation. He was dead, who cares?

Years later my grandmother took her last breath in front of me -- I felt nothing. People die. After that my girlfriend's little brother was hit by a car and died. I had a hard time dealing with the situation because I didn't know how to be emotionally supportive.

Several of my friends commited suicide during high school and I went to all of their viewings. I remember one situation where a friend of mine said, "why aren't you crying?" and I said, "the only reason people cry at funeral's is because they're all of a sudden reminded of their own mortality and that they're going to die too, so really everyone here is just being selfish". That person never talked to me again.

So, did I always know I was different? Yeah, but I clearly saw that other people weren't the same as me. I've never been able to understand people's feelings. I just don't get it, not one bit.

I've tried to feign feelings or at least act like I have them, but that's all I've ever been in my life thus far (I'm 23) is an actor. I can adjust to any personality type within a matter of minutes. I can say things I know people will like and act in ways so people will think I'm cool. Basically I'm just a chameleon, which is great for my business aspirations hah hah.

Update: Am I a Sociopath?

From our questioning reader (or reader in question):

I must admit, this week has been rather amazing so far. I haven't had much trouble with anxiety. My job hasn't stressed me. I feel just fine not caring, and it's amazing how naturally responses to tough questions come to me if I'm not putting specific effort into being honest. Even talking to women has been strangely easier. Almost too easy. I'm used to women staying away from me as if they get "bad vibes," but now I'm being told that I'm easy to open up to. One woman told me she felt like she could tell me anything, because I was so "honest." I definitely need more practice before I can get to the level where I want to be, but I can see it happening.

I'm not sure why or how, but I've started to think of life more like a game again. It's not a change I consciously strove for, and it's very subtle. But it's a pleasant change from the anxieties I've been facing. While I found myself laughing and joking around today, I stopped to think if I was actually happy or amused. Honestly, I didn't feel any different from when I was sitting in front of my computer coding. I was just joking with my boss to avoid concentrating on work, and it came so naturally. That's one thing I've always done, but I never really stopped to think about the smile and the laugh. They're not real. The jokes aren't real. They're just there to make HIM laugh. Even while I was realizing this, I just kept right on doing it.

It reminds me of when I was younger... sometimes, while I was crying, if I was alone, I would go look in the mirror and smile. I genuinely felt sad, but something made me want to see if I could smile. And I could... and then pick right back up crying again. After that, I had quite a preoccupation with making myself exhibit inappropriate emotions in private. Looking back, it makes me wonder if I was ever sad at all. Such a curiosity doesn't strike me as something a sad person would embrace in the midst of an emotional storm. Trying to figure out how much of what I think I felt was real, and how much was either extremely shallow or manufactured subconsciously, has been very confusing.

In my early to mid teens, this fascination took on a stranger twist. It's something I've actually never mentioned to anyone, because I can't imagine how anyone could understand it, considering my image as a kind, considerate, and highly intelligent person. When I was alone, if I had nothing to do, I would degrade into an almost feral state. I'd run and leap around the house, sometimes on all fours, growling, roaring, and making terrible and strange faces after leaping in front of a mirror, staring myself in the eye. I could never imagine myself even imitating this behavior in front of another human being. As soon as I sensed the presence of another person, my demeanor would immediately change. I've never been able to make sense of it. It stopped after I started the drugs. Bizarre, don't you think?

That's my update so far. We'll see how things play out.

Self-diagnosed sociopath

I wonder whether there's any benefit to being professionally diagnosed a sociopath. In the age of Google, I'm sure there has been an upswing in hypochrondia, and you always hear doctors warn us not to self-diagnose. But what if you are concerned that you have a disease that will result in discrimination? Leprosy, tuberculosis, avian flu, and AIDS are all examples. Particularly for a disorder that is apparently untreatable, like sociopathy, is there any benefit in being professionally diagnosed?

I myself am self-diagnosed. I have seen a professional before and expressed concern about my tendencies, but it was laughed off and I didn't pursue it further because the person seemed inadequate for my needs. I pursued it a little further, trying to research and contact experts in my area, but people seemed wary of treating a sociopath and I started getting concerned about the paper trail I might have been leaving. So I've never been officially diagnosed, but I still wonder whether there's any value in it. Maybe legitimacy? For all I know, I am not really a sociopath. I know the word is just a label and won't actually change who I am, but I wonder if I would be happy or sad to get a negative diagnosis for sociopathy.