Showing posts with label self-awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-awareness. Show all posts

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Weak sense of self

A reader sent me this interesting lecture from Stanford Lecturer Kelly McGonigal about the neuroscience behind self-referential processing.  She sums up the main point of her argument thusly: "we carry the seeds of suffering in our own minds, primarily through the human mind's habit of carefully constructing and then rigidly defending a sense of self that is based on our preferences, our attitudes, our beliefs, and our personal stories and that it's this churning of the self machine that gives rise to so much of our daily suffering."




It discusses whether there is some way to have a self-awareness that does not engage the self-referential processing, i.e. an experiential self that is not based on the narrative of self-referential processing or the stories we tell ourselves, but rather is based on "the awareness of the constantly changing feelings, thoughts, and things going on in our environment".  The answer is yes, but only among people who are trained in meditation.  My personal experiences and anecdotal knowledge regarding sociopaths suggests to me that this would also include sociopaths, who naturally have a weak sense of self (see also here), and seem to experience self-awareness almost entirely as the experiential self, not the self-referential self (using her lexicon).

It's interesting too that this lecture was apparently given at a Buddhist conference.  I have never bothered to learn much about Buddhism, but people have frequently remarked here on how the sociopath's detachment from self and lack of anxiety regarding outcomes is what many Buddhists hope to accomplish in order to achieve Nirvana. And sociopaths just happen to be born that way.

Here's what the reader wrote:


There's 3 categories in the experiment:
1) non-meditators
2) recent meditators
3) experienced meditators


My understanding of what happens:
Category 1 feels the pain, then thinks "how long will this go on, why me? oh shit? get away, get away!"


Category 2 feels the pain and focuses on their breathing. They ignore the pain as best they can by focusing on something else. Meditation has given them the ability to concentrate, so they concentrate on something other than the pain.


Category 3 feels the pain and tries to feel and examine it as best they can. They are so busy doing that, moment by moment, they aren't thinking, "why me, how long will this go on" etc. because when they really focus on what they are sensing, as opposed to how things aren't how they would like it, they lose their sense of self.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Choosing self-awareness

This blog is an interesting resource directed specifically at those with narcissistic personality disorder.  I have always sort of assumed that narcissists are by their nature unaware of their self deception.  However, the author appears to be a self-aware narcissist.  Not only that, he posts advice to other narcissists about how to choose self-awareness themselves.  I think it's actually good advice for everyone, and is especially helpful in understanding how to deal with irrational or self-deceived people:

One big problem narcissists have is that they perceive people (including themselves) negatively. This is part of being out of touch with reality. Suppose you act like a jerk. In order to feel good about yourself, you convince yourself others have it coming to them, by distorting reality. Or you’ll goad others so that they’ll retaliate, allowing you to convince yourself that others are the bad guys.

The solution is to act on your good impulses so you have no need to self-justify:


To the extent you have impulses to be helpful or nice to others or yourself, you should try to carry out the impulses. E.g. if you see someone that needs help and you think, “I should help,” you really should. The reason: if you don’t, you’ll find a way to blame the other person so that you can feel you did the right thing by not helping. You’ll see that person negatively. As before, you may even goad them into attacking you, so that you can feel better about yourself.

The solution is simple: when around other people, pay attention. If you have an impulse to help them, do it. Do this again and again. If you forget and catch yourself not paying attention, just start over.


He also recommends zen meditation and some other interesting advice about how to recognize and process feelings of shame.  And more specifically about cultivating self-awareness:

Try to develop a friendly curiosity about yourself. Somehow you got to the present without paying much attention. Now is a good time to start paying attention. Try to notice your thoughts. Try to feel whatever you feel. Watch yourself making judgments. See how you spend your time. The key here is the attitude. You aren’t studying yourself coldly. You are, in a friendly way, trying to observe what you do. The reason is that “friendly” is less-threatening than “cold”. You are more likely to see all aspects of yourself if you observe yourself with friendly curiosity.
***
Pay attention to things as you act. That way after the fact, you’ll be able to look back and remember what happened. The goal is to get away from reacting and instead become someone that acts deliberately.
***
The neat thing here is that you get to catch yourself deluding yourself. You are routinely lying to yourself. You’ve got the chance to catch yourself and watch it happen.
***
The alternative to self-awareness is being asleep and living a life of self-delusion and misery.

This post about self-deception is also very interesting, in which he cites this article (see also this book):

Humans are invested in seeing themselves as ethical creatures. We want to believe in the rightness of our own conduct, to see our lives as a series of mostly well-intentioned decisions. And it appears that we'll go to great lengths to feel that way, even if it means warping our own sense of morality to suit our needs.

This is why I don't want people to feel indebted to me.  I have narcissists and other self-deceived people in my family, circle of acquaintances, and group of business associates.  Those type of people cannot stand to feel indebted to someone else -- it goes against their own sense of self worth.  So what they will do is try to make up a story in which they are not really indebted to me, perhaps because what I gave them was not really worth much, or perhaps by imputing some sort of ulterior motive to me.  Or maybe they might imagine a story in which I am really just paying them back for something that I have long been ungrateful for.  Whatever the means, the purpose is always the same: to make them feel like they are in the right, even if it means convincing themselves that I am in the wrong.  It is not at all worth it to me, so I am very careful to preemptively downplay anything I might happen to do for them.

I have to say that I hate self-deceived people.  Sometimes they email me or I see them commenting on posts.  I wonder if they realize how obvious they are.  Maybe they can, in the way that we sometimes suspect we have bad breath but can never really be sure.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Narcissists vs. Sociopaths (part 4)

(cont.)


Can Someone Really Be a Very Low Empathy Narcissist and Not Know It?

Yes! Narcissists won't often know much about their state. Just look at Bernie Madoff in this article -- he feels very uncomfortable about the idea that he might be a sociopath.  Sure, he knows he did a  bunch of bad things. But at the same time, he knows that deep down he's good inside. That's that typical narcissist self-deception; he's trying to avoid any shame, or even any awareness of shame.

Malignant narcissists will often do terribly cruel things to others. They'll tell themselves that the other guy had it coming to him. For a classic malignant narcissist, see this story.

Like Madoff, the malignant narcissist in that story, Raucci, thinks of himself as a very good guy. He really puts himself out for his friends. In a sense he's correct, and that should be the clue that he isn't a sociopath. Were he a sociopath, he wouldn't take other people (and whether they are with or against him) so personally.

Sociopaths aren't nearly as dangerous as narcissists. Narcissists get on self-destructive crusades, because it makes them feel good. Sociopaths avoid crusades, because crusades are expensive.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Do sociopaths know they are sociopaths?

This is a question I have been getting a lot recently. The short answer is yes, sociopaths are generally aware that they are sociopaths. This is one of the differences between sociopaths and narcissists. Sociopaths know they are different from other people, but can force themselves to think and act like a neurotypical person. Narcissists think they think and feel the same as other people (just better) and are consequently less able to alter their behavior, even if it would be in their best interest (compare, narcissists, who really struggle with this).

The longer answer is that it may take a while for sociopaths to learn that everyone else is not like them. Most young children have sociopathic-esque tendencies: self-centeredness, lack of empathy, lack of consideration for others, dominant primal emotions, etc. It may not be immediately obvious to sociopathic youngsters when and if their peers have progressed past these "limitations" on their way to emotional maturity.

Meanwhile, the sociopath is undergoing his own changes. The sociopath is gaining a greater understanding of self. High functioning sociopaths learn that not only can they manipulate others, they can also manipulate themselves. This self manipulation can perform the same function as self control.

After the sociopath acquires greater self knowledge and self mastery, he may still be unaware that he is different. Instead, he may assume that other humans have just completed their own similar transformation. When the sociopath learns that he is the only one like him, it can be disappointing. It can be exhilarating too, but it will always be lonely. Not like most sociopaths mind (at least most of the time).

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

More portraits of sociopathy

People always ask me questions. Sometimes I ask them questions back:

What did it feel like to discover you were a sociopath? Were you more relieved or curious that there was a label for the type of person you are?
I've been trying to put a label on myself for the type of person I am for years now -- since I was around 14 years old. The fact that I've never been able to quite understand emotions or why people have them effectively resulting in a sense of separation from the rest of society and an overwhelming drive to engage in grandiose entrepreneurial projects, the end result of which is usually a fantasy in taking over something or someone, has led me to think I had Aspergers syndrome (a mild form of autism marked with anti-social behavior and the ability to hyperfocus on sometimes superfluous hobbies).

But, after hearing from several people (the guy at the bar, an ex girlfriend, co-workers) that I had a sociopathic personality I decided to research it further and was incredibly relieved that I had finally found the correct label. At least now I feel as though I stand in some niche and that there are verifiable characteristics and an adhering portion of the population.
Did you always know you were different? or had you assumed that everyone else was just like you?
When I was in Middle School -- about 13 years old -- I came to home room one day and the kid I had been sitting next to since the beginning of the year wasn't there and everyone around me was crying. I asked what was going on and they sobbingly expressed to me that he was dead. He had been riding his ATV and flew off and hit a tree and died instantly.

My first thought? "Damnit, I wonder how long before everybody stops crying and talking about this and everything is back to normal".

That's also the first time I've ever been yelled at for not crying during an "appropriate" crying situation, but not the last. I just didn't feel ANYTHING for the situation. He was dead, who cares?

Years later my grandmother took her last breath in front of me -- I felt nothing. People die. After that my girlfriend's little brother was hit by a car and died. I had a hard time dealing with the situation because I didn't know how to be emotionally supportive.

Several of my friends commited suicide during high school and I went to all of their viewings. I remember one situation where a friend of mine said, "why aren't you crying?" and I said, "the only reason people cry at funeral's is because they're all of a sudden reminded of their own mortality and that they're going to die too, so really everyone here is just being selfish". That person never talked to me again.

So, did I always know I was different? Yeah, but I clearly saw that other people weren't the same as me. I've never been able to understand people's feelings. I just don't get it, not one bit.

I've tried to feign feelings or at least act like I have them, but that's all I've ever been in my life thus far (I'm 23) is an actor. I can adjust to any personality type within a matter of minutes. I can say things I know people will like and act in ways so people will think I'm cool. Basically I'm just a chameleon, which is great for my business aspirations hah hah.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Sociopaths advise sociopaths (part ii)

Conversation with thunderball continued:
I'm not as violent anymore, not even close. So I guess I have mellowed out in one way. You said my first priority is to think what questions I am trying to answer. I guess these are the questions: Am I really a sociopath? How does it benefit me? How can I exploit it? Why do I feel like my development has stagnated? Why do I feel like I have extraordinary power but cant tap into it? Why do I think it may be a lack of focus holding me back? How do I get that focus? How do I overcome my doubt?

I guess ultimately I want to tap into the success I see, but feel like I'm stuck down a well. I can see the light of success at the top, but my surroundings are dark and cold. I need to feel and climb my way out. Does that make any sense?

I think you are right. I am bored. I'm resorting to the quick fixes you listed, no doubt. I think I need focus and direction. I need to force myself into a self improving routine and do what I want outside of that routine. Does that sound right? I know this sounds stupid, but I'm being honest just for now. After I talk with you I'm going to stop reading up on psychology and move onto other pursuits. Focus on what I think is a good routine, to improve myself, so my exploits become more exacting and I can gain better control of myself. I need to bring to an end the exploratory phase of my life.

Feel free to put this on your blog. I don't really care if people know my thoughts. Hopefully it will help more like me and make all the others cringe.
My response:
Yeah, I think at least some of your feelings of greatness are more a product of the disorder and not all based in fact. Not to say that you aren't great, but we as a group are prone to delusions of grandeur. For instance, I have always felt that I am a superhero. Even the way we describe ourselves reflects this, like one recent commenter referring to himself as the Hulk. That's just the way we feel about ourselves, the language that we find most appropriate to describe how it feels to be us. I think part of it is because we tend to have excessive amounts of serotonin, and part of it is because we have a low fear response. So we're overly confident and fearless. And part of it may be that we really are different from everyone else in really great ways. But I understand the feeling of being destined for greatness. I feel the same way.

If we feel this way about ourselves and we notice the world sees us as being only ordinary or even below average, this can create cognitive dissonance. One way sociopaths try to resolve this dissonance is to think less of the empaths amongst them, sort of a who-cares-what-they-think-they're-all-idiots-anyway. Empaths have their flaws, but assuming all of them are idiots is disingenuous, inaccurate, and ultimately will keep you from learning from them, about them, or interacting with them effectively. The better approach, I think, is to challenge assumptions (your own and those of the empaths around you) about what constitutes success and achievement. Even your new questions reflect ambiguity regarding this. For instance, what would it mean to you to be able to tap into your power? What would that look like or feel like? Why do you think your development has stagnated? What are you hoping to develop into? And what do you mean by tapping into the success you see? What is this success? The "success" of empaths that you see? The getting along with people at work? The climbing up a corporate hierarchy? Is that success? I mean, maybe it is for you. Again, I understand the feeling. You probably have felt a natural dominance and superiority over people since childhood. Maybe you have plateaued, or maybe you have even slipped in this skill. You're like a naturally talented athlete that has faced your first few failures or real challenges. Maybe you'll move on to a different sport or activity, or maybe you'll buckle down and become an innovator, trying to take your game to the next level. Obviously you are looking for something. You feel dissatisfied, you feel like your growth as a person is stunted, and you have resorted to quick fixes to assuage your feelings of ennui. Quick fixes are nice because they are immediately satisfying, but they typically are not sustainable (alcoholism, drug use, gambling, thrill seeking, etc). So it's great that you are trying to find answers to your questions. And there may be several answers to your questions or more interesting questions that you'll discover, and maybe you'll find fulfillment just in learning more about yourself through a cycle of finding and answering questions about yourself, life, etc. But whatever it is you choose, I just think you really need to think about what exactly you are looking for before you bother going out and finding it.

You'll have to keep us updated.

Best,
M.E.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Am I a sociopath? (part 6)

My long response:
Sorry I haven't written back sooner. I have been thinking a lot about what you wrote, though. Your story has reminded me so much of my own, and you are hitting this self-recognition point right about the same age that I did. I didn't start hitting my first rough patches in life or in interactions with others until my late teens, early twenties. Like you, whenever I had problems, I would doubt myself, wonder whether maybe things needed to change, maybe I needed to see the world a little differently -- but stuff would calm down and I was pretty Burkean about things -- if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I really had a skewed view of the world, too. I was so self-deceived. I felt like I was two people: I was the person I pretended to be, and I was the person I feared I was. I would snap back and forth between the two like Jekyll and Hyde. When I was trying to be good, by playing by the rules, I would be Jekyll, when things weren't going my way or I felt that other people were "cheating," I turned into Hyde. It's funny, by avoiding who we are as sociopaths, by trying to ignore or avoid our natural tendencies to manipulate and wear masks, we become even more manipulative and masked. We try to be something we are not, try to convince others that we are something we are not, we think our "emotional" reactions to things are justified and act accordingly, when really they are just Jekyll-crazy claims that we take as if they came from honest-Hyde. Do you know what I mean? It's one thing to hear voices telling us to kill people and realize that it is a hallucination, a side effect of a malfunctioning brain. It is quite another thing to hear the voice and think it is god telling us what we need to do. When we pretend that we aren't sociopaths, we take information and perceptions we receive with our sociopath brain and interpret it under what we think are empath rules. What we end up with is a ticking time bomb of self-deception and totally misguided beliefs and irrational behavior -- we literally act like we are crazy.

As a concrete and personal example of what I'm talking about, although I was widely respected and accomplished as a teenager, I never had close friends through my teenage years. After a long period of time in isolation due to my studies, I realized how important human interaction was compared to academic or professional achievements . When I reentered society, I put a huge emphasis on personal relationships, particularly friendship and camaraderie, but in what I see now as a very sterile, selfish way. Because of my natural skills, it was very easy to make friends -- I could be whatever they wanted. Plus I seemed to have everything and, despite that, still wanted to be their friend. People were flattered, but mere months in the friendship I would tire of things being always about them. Their faults would bother me, I would be mean, they would react poorly, things would escalate to the point of me flipping a switch to a total remorseless, vengeance-minded sociopath. I would pour out the wrath, and the other person would never be the same. I felt bad whenever this happened. I tried to figure out what went wrong, but always through my same lenses of self-deception. Kind of like your experience: "I've always reached a point of terror and confusion, and then I'd force everything to the back of my mind and go on trying to be a normal person." I would always go back to the same way of doing things, the same way of thinking. But I was increasingly afraid of myself, what I could do to people -- what I did do to people. I felt out of control. I started warning friends to watch out for me. The pattern continued until I had my own personal version of scorched earth. I retreated from society again and really tried to figure out this time what was happening, who I was. This time I was truly open to any real possibility.

What I came up with at the time was that I was different, I was special. Or perhaps more accurately, I had special powers and abilities, and that made me different. I felt like the proverbial superhero myth, originated with tales of the gods. Like Superman, like Heracles, (like Harry Potter even?), like so many other people born with talents for writing, theatre, dance, music, I seemed normal at first, indistinguishable from anyone else, really. But I wasn't -- I had a gift. That's how I thought of it back then. Just as I would think it was a waste if Bach had never written a note, Dickens had never written a line, etc. etc., I knew I had a responsibility to magnify my talents. Maybe this sounds grandiose or narcissistic, but it helped me to accept myself at the time, helped me reform good habits of dealing with myself and others. And it is true. The world needs people like us. We fulfill a very special function -- we have been evolutionary selected over millenia. And we are rare. That makes us very powerful, and yes, very special. Hating sociopaths is like hating a wildfire. We may seem destructive, but we pave the way for growth and renewal by rebooting the land back to a more pure state.

I would write more, answer questions from your earlier emails, but not now. Soon. But keep me informed. I am very happy for you.

Best,
M.E.
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