Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

Monday, September 7, 2009

Sociopath co-parents: defense against the dark arts (part 2)

My response:
Have you read this post?

I think in general the best way to get rid of a sociopath is to poison the well. But first you have to be absolutely sure that you want to be rid of him. It sounds like you still like having him in your life or in your child's life.

But if you are sure you want to get rid of him, my advice specific to you would be to hit him where it will probably hurt the most, financially. Speak with a lawyer about what sort of child support he would be legally liable to pay. Start collecting damaging information about him that you could use in a custody battle. For example, does he have unsavory guests at his house, does he smoke, drink, or have a history of violence or crime? If he is a true sociopath, you should be able to come up with quite a bit of dirt. Consider hiring a private detective. Find out things that he does not want you to know, things that would make him seem very unsympathetic in a custody hearing. Clean up your own past. Make sure that you are seen as a model parent. This is all very important preparation. You know what they say about planning: "To be prepared is half the victory." Sociopaths typically think at least a few steps ahead for their own actions, so you have to come up with your own defensive and offensive strategies.

After you have made yourself seem like the perfect parent and made him look like a terrible parent (3-6 mos? Don't rush things, make sure they are right before you do anything), start complaining about how he never does enough for the child. Be whiney and annoying.Mmake him wish that he had never met you. Whenever your child sees the father, try to schedule times for when he is sure to be upset -- hungry, tired, teething, etc. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you torture your child for his sake, but it might help. After about a month or two of this, start complaining about child support. Say that you are going to hire an attorney unless he pays you (double that amount your attorney said you could get from him). Do not tell him that you have already consulted an attorney. Do not tell him that you have already done background checks on him. Never tell a sociopath that you are plotting against him. Always make yourself seem as incompetent as possible. Your weapons that you have gained against him (information, etc.) should only be used as a counterattack, not the initial attack. You are like the southern army at Gettysburg -- on a hill, the strong point. If you got off your hill because he draws you into an attack, all is lost.

Hopefully he will start thinking that you are more trouble than you are worth. If so, try to get him to think it would be a good idea if he gave up custody. Suggest that you might be getting married or dating someone else who wants to adopt the child.

If he does not give up custody, perhaps if you have provoked him into some sort of action, e.g. hiring a lawyer or trying to get custody himself, then your next best option is to give him enough rope to hang himself. Make him think that you are still doing nothing. Hide all the cards until he shows up one day in court and you have all these witnesses and evidence suggesting that he is a terrible person. All his misdeeds will be public, the court can order a restraining order, and you will hopefully be given legal protection from him for you and your child.

Hope this helps. If it is true that your ex is a sociopath, that means your child may also be a sociopath. Read this post. Get more savvy. Read books on manipulation like The 48 Laws of Power, so you can recognize when others are trying to manipulate you. Always have an escape plan for everything, a ready made excuse. But don't talk to people about this. People can't be trusted not to talk. In a war with a sociopath, information is the only real power you will have. Guard it with your life.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Masks and madness (part 1)

A reader asks me: "When an empath asks you to be 'supportive,' what does that mean to you? As far as what behaviors or actions does that include from your perspective?" My response:
Ah, it could mean so many things really. If someone I was dating was asking me to be supportive, I would assume what that person really meant was that they were not feeling fulfilled somehow, i.e. I was not filling a need for them. The thing is, when I am in a relationship with someone, I am constantly devoting energy to fulfilling their needs. Have you seen the film Watchmen? Do you know the sex scene with Dr. Manhattan and Silk Spectre where he has multiplied himself to please her, but also to take care of some other business? That's sort of how it is. On the one hand I feel like I have a greater ability to please whoever I am with because of my flexible sense of self makes it easy for me to be the perfect lover for a variety of people. On the other hand, there is something somewhat artificial and slightly creepy about it, I imagine.

But my point is this: from the beloved's perspective, all their needs should basically be getting met. If they have a problem with the fundamentals of the situation, i.e. they in some ways are uncomfortable with the fact that you don't think the same way they do, or don't have the same sorts of emotions or interactions with people that they do, then that is it for the relationship. That is a deal breaker. If that is not the problem, then there is always something else that I can do, or some new approach I can try that could fix things.

But when my beloved says that I need to be more "supportive," that doesn't necessarily mean anything to me other than I am failing in some way to meet their needs. It's like a baby's cry. Who knows what it is about, frequently even the baby doesn't know why they are upset. The only solution, essentially, is for you to go through the list of most likely ailments until you come up with a cure. Is it because the child is hungry? Tired? Has an upset stomach? All those could also apply to your beloved. Or maybe the beloved feels stifled, or smothered, or isn't getting enough respect, or feels like s/he always gives and never gets in return, is never listened to, feelings like worry or hopelessness are quickly listened to only to immediately provide a solution (sometimes empaths don't like that, they think it is dismissive of their feelings -- they would rather you empathize with them about the problem than have it solved). You go through the list of things most likely to be causing the problem, maybe take the "supportive" suggestion as a cue to review other recent events and try to pinpoint what exactly has caused the empath to ask you specifically to be more supportive. Why did they choose that particular word? Maybe they are jealous, maybe they feel insecure about their own decisions, maybe they want you to suspend your own rationality and worldview and adapt theirs. It's possible, it is all possible, but changing my world viewpoint is one thing, when it comes to denying objective realities, that is harder. It requires Herculean strength for me to be irrational. I can do it, but it's like holding my breath. Which is funny, because it usually just involves holding my tongue.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Ten lepers

I tell people to keep in touch with me when I "help" them "answer" their "questions," and sometimes people do a little, but it never continues even a month after. I'm curious: do any of you still read the site? For those of you wondering if you, your roommate, or your lover is a sociopath, did you ever reach a conclusion? Particularly the empaths in love with sociopaths, did any of my advice really help? Any of my tactics really work? Are you happily involved in a loving relationship with a sociopath now? Or happily finally over him because at last you came to some understanding?

Answer here if you don't mind, with a link to your question if it was posted.

My prediction, though, is that no one will respond, and I haven't decided yet what that says about the efficacy of my advice (or the staying power of empaths reading a blog about sociopaths with any sort of regularity).

Friday, July 3, 2009

Prototypes and archetypes (part 3)

I know some of you hate email exchanges with empaths, but I don't care. They're interesting because they force you to see yourself through someone else's eyes, and that is always enlightening. My responses are in bold:
I can't thank you enough for putting your time and energy into giving me your insight, that is really an incredibly selfless and generous thing for you to do, to really take an interest in people and their problems - just thank you, thank you, thank you. A couple other things that strike me as contradictions - if i would ask him in front on his friends if he needed something, like a soda, he would get mad at me and tell me i baby him, but then on another occasion he would fight and ask me why i never yell at him to whip into shape, like tell him he's being irresponsible and he shouldnt go to the bar but instead stay home to study for a test. I would tell him that it wasnt my job to do that, that that seems more like treating him like a baby than anything else. If he is a sociopath, why would he ask to be "controlled" like that? consistent with my thought that he is conflicted, feels out of control himself, wants to stop feeling that way, so wants help from you to help him manage his behavior. Babying him could make him feel even more out of control/vulnerable. It's fine for him to admit himself that he has issues and needs help. It's not fine for you to suggest independently that he is needy and out of control because it freaks him out even more--headtrips him.

Also, one time I asked for a kiss (not that I had to ask everytime, ha, just that he wasn't easily accesible at that moment) and he said "why would you ask? thats why youre so weak and have no power in this relationship, if you want a kiss, just take a kiss" - again, isnt that giving up control? He wants you to be strong, take what you want from him when you want it so he can pretend that you are a strong person that is with him because you want to be, not because you are needy, weak-willed, or feel somehow pressured to be. If you don't act that way, then it is just another reminder to him that he will destroy you eventually, and that you are an unwilling victim. Harder for him to justify being with you then.

(Maybe those are stupid examples, but they just popped into my head). He's said that something about me, without me even doing anything, just makes him become irritable and in a bad mood, like he can feel his blood start to boil, but im the only one that does that to him he doesnt treat anyone else like that. one time i came over to see him and he was in one of his moods and he said that he didnt know why, he wasnt angry before i got there, and when i leave he knows that he'll be mad at himself and all he'll want to do is be around me, that he doesnt want to be mean to me but he can't control it, but then if i left to let him cool off he would beg me to come back and would be loving and apologetic. And i guess you mentioned something like that in your letter, but can there be a specific person that makes your blood boil sometimes for no reason, but other times theyre the only person you like and need? And do you therefore resent them for the anger they make you feel and the moods they put you in? He's conflicted. I realize I keep saying that, but it's true. He's frustrated. You are both what he wants and a reminder of his deficiencies. You represent an itch he can't scratch, a thirst he can't quench. And you probably make it to easy for him to be bad, and get too hurt when he does. He resents you for both of those things.

My ex really does seem more content without me now, like he just doesnt miss me, doesnt really even want to talk to me or be friends. I know a lot of people feel that way when they end a relationship, but i guess its just so odd to me because after 2 years of back and forth, this one is most definitely final, and it seemed like without provocation from me, because we didnt even talk for a month, it very quickly turned into a true dislike for me and our relationship. It's probably not a dislike for you, per se. If I realize that a relationship isn't working out, it's driving me crazy because I can't be better, I'm always being bad, and it's hurting the other person -- so I'll just end it suddenly like that. Better for the both of us. It's not that I hate that person, although part of me blames them for not being able to help me out, pull their fair share of the load in the always fraught with difficulty sociopath/empath relationship. It feels like a double drowning. Can you really fault someone (empath) for freaking out while they're drowning and taking you down with them when you are trying to help keep them afloat? No, not really. That's just the nature of someone who is drowning. It would be like getting mad at a bee for stinging you. But can you blame that person for your own drowning? Yes, they certainly were the cause, weren't they, even if they couldn't help themselves. Double drowning victims just physically freak out and start clawing for survival. It's a natural survival instinct. People emotionally freak out in a failing relationship. It's just a survival instinct, but it's often not at all productive. When it starts happening, the best thing both people can do is to completely get away from each other. These things end in murder suicides.

This latest string of events leading to the breakup - wanting or needing to talk to me every single day while i was gone, visiting me, saying it was the best time he's ever had, that we have so much fun together, that he truly loved me, then abruptly breaking up with me a week after i got home, (the day after he said he wished he never said anything, he would have been happy to just to keep "trying" to make himself love me because he wanted me in his life, asking me if we could still be friends) to then never really needing or wanting to talk to me again, and now says that those 2 years were not particularly fun for him. Does it come that easy to a sociopath to just stop feeling good thoughts about a person and to have a genuine dislike for someone they once really "loved", or do you think maybe i am just trying to attribute what could be just a normal reaction of a person after they break up with someone, into something much deeper? He wanted to love you a certain way and he couldn't. Now it sounds like he is trying to blame you for not being loveable rather than blaming himself for not being able to love. The latter is the real truth, not the former. He may never acknowledge this in his lifetime, but that doesn't make it any less true.

I remember something else he said this last time we talked and i had made him feel badly about himself. He said something about how hard it is for him to rationalize what he does and how he acts when he's around me. he said that i am the only person that makes him feel like he's a bad person, and he hates that (although except for this one time that i actually came right out and said it, i've never tried to guilt him into feeling badly about himself or tell him he should feel bad about who he is), but he also agrees that i know him and his underlying feelings better than anyone. Right, he knows what is going on, in his heart of hearts. He just isn't willing to face the music right now. He's self-deceived, thinks he is great and worries he is a monster. Really both are true, but he just can't reconcile them in his mind right now, can't accept reality.
He said that he hasn't felt badly about himself and who he is in a month (since we last hung out) and he's felt great, and that he doesnt want to sink back into feeling how he was when he was with me. Yeah, I've felt this way about people. Think about it this way: certain people bring out the worst in you. Sometimes it is because they are a bad person, but other times it is because they expect too much of you. You try to be there for them, but you can't. You're constantly confronted with your failure. If you worked at a job where you sucked but no one ever fired you, would you quit? Or would you keep yourself and everyone else in misery and just keep trying?

I could understand if i made him feel bad by telling him what he did wrong all the time or putting him down, but i was really always supportive and encouraging to him, which he even got angry at at times. Is it plausible to think that its easier for him to ignore these conflicting feelings he has of himself when im not around, and has maybe transfered that into a genuine disdain for me and our relationship? Or again, am i grasping at straws here? No, you're right, it's easier to ignore his own inadequacies when you're not there reminding him of them. Like deadbeat dads who not only don't pony up the child support, they stop seeing their children because they are ashamed and the children are a constant reminder of that shame.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Prototypes and archetypes (part 2)

My response:
I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. It's hard for me to know if he is a sociopath. It's always very hard and inaccurate to diagnose someone else third-person. There could be lots of ways to diagnose him. The most telling things in any diagnosis, though, are the things that a person says in reference to himself. For instance, his asking you whether you think it is possible that someone would not have a conscience, his saying that he does what he wants, or his saying he will fuck you over -- those are clear indicators of sociopathy because they show both his self-awareness and his acknowledgment of his irregularities. If he's not a sociopath, he is a completely self-absorbed asshole and you shouldn't be sorry at all if you hurt his feelings. If he is a sociopath...

Loving his mom and dog are not necessarily inconsistent with him being a sociopath. I love my mother more than anyone else in the world. I am also very sweet to her, always buying her things, giving her money, taking care of her, but I do not say things like "I love you," either. She's my mother. He's a source of unconditional love and acceptance for me, and is in many ways an extension of me, so it makes sense for me to maintain that relationship. Same with the dog for him, probably.

When I tell people I love them I really mean it in that moment. I told someone today that I loved them. What does it mean? It's a very childish, fickle infatuation. I also sometimes hate this person -- quite often, in fact. I feel like this person secretly judges me, and pretends to be all understanding without truly accepting me. I behave towards this person similarly to the way your boyfriend behaves toward you. On the one hand there are the moments of awe and affection that I feel for the person. On the other, there are the feelings of rejection, boredom, disinterest, selfishness, etc. that motivate other behaviors.

This guy seems particularly bad because he is so conflicted about himself. Although he may be unusually insightful and self-aware, he doesn't understand himself. He is probably both in awe of himself and fearful of himself. He seeks to control others because he does not feel like he has control over himself. He warns you that he will fuck you over not because he wants to, but because he fears/worries/knows that he will. His asserting that gives him the illusion of control over the situation when really he feels like he only has predictive power, not power to change outcomes. He says he does what he wants, but he's really just trying to own the fact that he does what his impulses direct him to do -- then play it off like it is all part of some master plan of his. His bravado in saying he "does what he wants" is his way of trying to pretend that he is making conscious, reasoned decisions in accord with his values and preferences instead of being a slave to impulses he neither understands nor can control.

I'm not surprised he is in his early 20s. Sociopaths are the absolute worst in their late teens and early 20s. They're the equivalent of teenagers with raging hormones. Late teens and early 20s start the sociopath's first real tastes of freedom and power, which they begin abusing like a kid on meth. Once it gets to a certain point of excess, and the first real, lasting damages to their lives occur, they will then withdraw for a period of introspection, which will last until they gain a certain level of understanding and self-acceptance. At least this has been my own experience and the experience of many sociopaths I have known. If he doesn't go through any of these phases, then he will stay as he is forever. But how could he? Really, it doesn't sound like his charmed life will stay that way for much longer.

He's not a bad person necessarily, but he certainly has the potential to be and has definitely been acting like one. Don't feel bad for allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions. He will not change for the better until he feels like he needs to. He will not feel like he needs to unless/until his current modus operandi ceases to function.

I don't know what's up with his impotence. It could be that power/control is what gets him off, or that he has come to associate sex with things that you would consider abnormal. If he wasn't gaming you, or not as much as the other girls, it could be that his difficulty stemmed from the lack of power and control he felt in the relationship. But that's just a guess.

You cannot change him. He will not even change himself if he thinks for even a second it will work out with you without him changing. It may be that you have already communicated this sufficiently to him, i.e. that things will not work out ever between you, at least not as they currently are. His avoidance of you could be him sulking or trying to get back at you for this, or it could be his tacit acknowledgment (albeit not fully conscious) that you mean what you say and that he can no longer game you. I'm sure you would prefer it to be the latter, so feel free to think that way -- it's at least plausible. In any case, do not be afraid of hurting his feelings. Even if you did hurt them, he deserved it a million times over.

Hope this helps.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Prototypes and archetypes (part 1)

A lot of heartbroken empaths have been seeking answers from me recently. Not to downplay anyone's personal tragedy, but they're all essentially the same story. So I am hoping that with this extra long, overly detailed explanation of love lost and my subsequent responses, heartbroken empaths can learn vicariously through others and we can start answering questions in bulk instead of one-by-one. Not like I am not flattered by the interest in my expert advice, it's just that I feel like it's getting to the point where I should be charging people. Actually... not a bad idea. Maybe I could set up some sort of hotline...
I recently discovered your website and have been reading your articles from beginning to end. I would really love if you would write back to me and give your opinion on things because I'm driving myself crazy with my thinking. Two years ago I started dating a guy (we're both in our young 20s), against all warnings from his friends that he will not ever treat me well or never stop talking to his ex-girlfriend (let's call her k). During our first date, K called him, I could hear her screaming on her end, but he just laughed at her and hung up the phone without saying anything. Later that night when I asked how he felt about her he said "i don't want to be with her, that girl would marry me in a second, i could have her if i wanted to any time i wanted" then he told me that i probably shouldn't get into a relationship with him because he will fuck me over. My naivety made me think, well he doesn't know me yet I'll be the one to change this, he just hasnt met the right girl, and up to this point in my life i have always been very sought after by men and had great relationships where i always seemed to be the one with the upperhand. But he pursued me and I pursued him so we started to date. For the first 3 months we had a fun time, he would spend the night almost every night, although he seemed to have troubles being able to be "intimate" with me, most times it just didnt work. He would get angry and punch the walls and say this has never happened to him before and that he loves to have sex, would do it morning noon and night with his exes, and that i'm the only girl he's ever had a problem with, and then roll over and ignore me for the rest of the night, usually while i would be crying.

During this time he refused to stop talking to his ex, claiming she texts him it's not his fault, wouldn't take pictures of them down from in his room, but said they were just friends. (Some behavioral background on him is he has also complained of being depressed but when i suggested seeing a doctor or going on medicine he would say absolutely not, no way, he has a very pessimistic view of the world, he drinks almost every night, usually blacking out and often partaking in really stupid, reckless acts, like wrestling with his friends, but usually to the point of bloody cuts and black eyes, and he smokes weed every day. He can get set off by seemingly nothing and become irritable and mean for no reason, which he would usually take out on me since he said "well i take it out on you, i can't take it out on my boys", close friends of his would not tell you that he is a good person, i've often heard people say he has a way of finding their insecurities and then going after them, he can be downright cruel to his closest friends, but then flip a switch and be nice as can be. His friends do not have a high code of ethics and none of them have much of a relationship deeper than hanging out and partying or doing drugs. People are drawn to him because he is extremely charming and funny and at any given time the center of attention and life of the party. He doesn't have any ambitions in life, and has worked partime jobs but with little pride. He was the same with his school work, hardly ever studying or putting effort in, failed many classes and barely graduated within 5 years. Still his professors would often grant him extensions for papers.

He often says i just dont care about anything, i cant seem to make myself care about anything. He often talks about how important it is to have control in relationships and that things will always go his way) Sometimes at parties he would distance himself from me, but if i didn't pay enough attention to him he would become angry with me, if we were out with his friends and i would be laughing with them he would get moody and when we would get home later he would say "i dont feel special, you can laugh and have fun with anybody, so what's the point of being with me" He never gave me an outright compliment, probably called me beautiful 1 time in our whole relationship, and aside from 2 times he got me flowers when i got home from trips, and a birthday present, he did not do much for me, most meals i paid for because i volunteered and said i wanted to, which was true at the time. 3 months into our relationship he gave me a beautiful handmade present which in it said "i hope what we have, whatever it is, keeps on going". Less than one week later he said he wasn't feeling it and stopped talking to me. That night he had k spend the night and i ran into them together at a club he knew i would be at, he did not seem a bit faltered and kept on happily dancing with k while i left the bar. two weeks later he told me that i was really the one he wanted to be with and he had made a huge mistake, after some reluctance, and since it was the first time, i gave in because i still really wanted things to work with him. 2 months later the exact same thing happened, he just stopped returning my calls or texts, one night he asked to come over when he was drunk and tried to sleep with me, his reasonings were always "you want to do it, why deny yourself something you want to do, you want to sleep with me", we ended up getting into a fight. i kicked him out. During this particular break he started dating K again, but later claimed his facebook status only said "in a relationship" because she got on his account and changed it. I was told that he would say things to K like they were going to get married, but then lo and behold 3 weeks later he came back to me BEGGING me, all over me, absolutely relentless, telling me he could see himself marrying me and that i would make a great mom, etc. etc., and again i took him back.

We would often have fights over him ignoring me at parties, treating me poorly, flirting with girls, etc. When i would leave crying he would never console me, if i asked him to come talk to me he would say "no way, im partying with my friends", most times while i was crying he would laugh at me and tell me i was being crazy, and i found myself always doubting my own thoughts, thinking that i was in fact being irrational. He would later admit "no you're not the irrational one, you never do anything wrong" when we werent fighting. During one particular fight i asked him to leave my apartment and he refused i was so upset i threatened to call the police and he just laughed and called me crazy and said im just going to sleep right here on the couch.

There were many times he would lie to me i came to find out, and sometimes would deny things that i had proof of - in fact during one break he walked up to me with a hickey on his neck and when i told him he had a hickey he said "no i dont" completely serious, another time i saw a girl kiss him on the cheek and when i brought it up to him he laughed and said that absolutely did not happen, he was so convincing i actually doubted what i saw with my own eyes. When he was in his good moods we got along great, we laughed all the time and had a lot of fun together. He would often say that i was the perfect girl, and that he knew i was the one for him, i knew him better than anybody. This cycle of relationships went on for almost a year and a half, his sudden lack of interest, then the insatiable need to have me back. His friend even said that he was really upset about it and pleaded for his case, which means he was showing sadness towards him about it which i would expect a sociopath to do. When i would ask why he just wouldnt leave me alone he would say well im always going to treat you the same, when i see you i wanna kiss you, im going to do what i want.

He would not often tell me he loved me, usually while he was drunk. He would get irritable with me but tell me he didnt know why, that he doesnt want to be, but he cant control it, like i just set something off him that made him want to be mean to me. He would tell me that i cared more about the relationship than he did and that i could do so much better, but would never peacefully let me pursue that option.

At this point, i have lost my two closest friends due to my deep depression i suffered from because of my insecurities caused by him and that they no longer felt they could support me, my family hated him and i had to keep that i was seeing him a secret from them. After the last break, which was about 2 months long, at about a year and a half in, I decided to move because i was so severely depressed and could not seem to rid myself of the problem. One week before i left, i ran into him and told him i was moving, he cried and said he didnt realize how much i meant to him, that i made him breakdown and he couldnt handle it and the next week was full of "i know ill see you and well be together again" "we can get a cabin and live together later on" "this isnt temporary, blah blah blah" and i received a sober and heartfelt "i love you" everyday that week.

After I moved he pulled away after about 4 days, [but then visited], said how he knew i was the girl for him, and cried when getting on the plane. For the next week he was completely lovestruck with me, calling me his girlfriend and i heard from his friends back home that he had been talking about how much he loved me and how much fun he had. However one week later, the hesitation in calling me his girlfriend came, as well as "you're not moving back just for me right?" (which seems like an attempt to look out for my best interest?) but along with that also the assurance that things will be different and that he wouldnt hurt me again like he had in the past. When i moved back 3 weeks later things were great for the first couple days, and i remember him saying my favorite person is back, and how much fun he has with me and so on. However 1 week later he became irritable towards me and then at a party later that night when he was drunk and i asked him why he was acting mean towards me, he said he wasnt he was just acting like i was nothing, when i further said well you cant treat me like nothing, im your girlfriend, things really exploded. He told me that he was thinking all day how things didnt feel right with us, things have never felt right, he has never been in love with me, that i had to have known and that i should have expected it because he told me the first date we had he would fuck me over. he said that sometimes he did feel strongly towards me and wanted to be with me and when he said those things about loving me he meant them in the moment and other times he just absolutely didnt feel that way, that his feelings were never constant, and said i couldnt blame him because he told me not to come home just for him. He left me in the yard, dry heaving from crying so hard. When i came to talk to him the next day when he was sober, he tried to deny everything at first and say he was just drunk but eventually confirmed what he had said the night before. When i called crying later that night saying because i really needed a better explanation for why he would do that to me he said he didnt have one, he didnt know what to tell me, all the while holding conversations with his friends in the background, he said he was goign to go watch a basketball game, hed call me back, and then hung up on me. When he called me back an hour later, i said no forget it, i'm done and he just said "ok" and hung up. he did not call me until a week later when i received a call from him at 5 am because he just wanted me to know he graduated school - he just thought i'd like to know.

the next night when i saw him at a party he didnt say a word to me. A week later we met up because i needed to talk to him because i was really taking it hard and i didnt understand how things had transpired. he told me that he had never been attracted to me and that the whole time it was just that he thought it was what he wanted but something was missing, that he tried to make it work because he wanted to like me but we just never had the chemistry. i asked how he could treat me that way and he asked me if it was possible for someone to not have a conscious. but also said that he didnt think he was a bad person and he didnt really do anything wrong. He also said hes not sure if he'll ever be able to love someone (and in the past hes often said im never going to get married or if i did marry im going to get a divorce). He did not call me after that, and i could not understand the concept of someone needing to talk to you everyday for 2 months and then cut them out of their life like it meant nothing.

I saw him just yesterday after about a month and after i had been reading a lot about sociopaths and their behaviors. I kind of wanted to test him a bit, so i asked him a few things, like do you tell your mom you love her and he thought about it and said that he no he didnt but he writes it in birthday cards (he is very sweet to his mom though), and it somehow came up about how when his ex K was dating someone he made fun of him and she immediately dumped him the next day. i asked him if he purposefully knew when he was manipulating people or it just happened and he said that he doesnt manipulate people, theyre just happier when they do what he says, and then smiled and said but it is a fun game sometimes. He said that he knows hes hurt people but he also gives them some of the happiest moments of their life so it evens out. i began talking further with him, like why he does the things he does and how he acts, i said that i know him better and the reasons he does things more than anyone else, and he agreed with me, but then said i he knows he did me wrong and i have a biased opinion of him. He became irritable and told me that i make him feel badly about who he is and that he cant rationalize his actions when im around. he said that he could feel him sinking back into the place he was a month ago because i make him feel badly about who he is, that my goodness doesnt match with his badness. Then he said that he didn't like me and that i should leave. He texted me about 10 minutes later that he was sorry he went overboard its just that i make him feel badly about who is he and thats not something anyone enjoys, and then apologized for saying he didnt like me, that it was rude and he didnt mean it. However, he will not return my phone calls, and i am left feeling like i really hurt this person's feelings by making him feel badly about himself.

I'm just hoping you could shed light on this for me. There's things in his personality that dont match the characteristics i read about - he loves his dog more than anything on earth, he's very sweet and kind to his mother, and he could be incredibly loving and amazing towards me, and i have seen him do decent things for people. I've never seen him set out to destroy anyone i dont think, but rather he just has a complete disregard for others peoples feelings in order to obtain what he wants. Plus he did apologize for saying he didnt like me in his text and since he doesnt want to talk to me now it doesnt seem like that was said just to get something from me or manipulate me. I just wonder if i was really just simply an idiot because i wanted to believe he loved me so badly - for instance he would tell me i deserved better, or that i should move on - those are selfless actions to save me from trusting in him right, but i ignored them? It makes me sick to think that this entire relationship was just his inability to be attracted to me or have that chemistry with me, like it's because of me - with some other girl he'll have the right chemistry and things will be great with them, and that the whole past year was him forcing himself to try to be attracted to me. I mean that would explain his problems with intimacy.

For some reason it was almost a relief to chalk this all up to him being a sociopath, like it was easier to deal with him not loving me if it was because he just couldnt love anybody. But now i just dont know. And on top of that i now feel like i hurt his feelings and i didnt need to make him feel like a bad person and i feel incredibly annoying because he wont call me back and doesnt seem to care to have me in his life at all, when by all accounts i shouldn't care to ever see him again. I cant tell you how much i would appreciate your honest opinion and insight on the matter. i cant believe it was so long, i had just never written this down before and once i started i just couldnt stop writing. I really hope to hear from you soon. Thank you so much for your time.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Who do you love? (part 2)

A reader writes (my answers in bold):
So I am looking for your opinion again... It has been a couple of weeks since I posted the original question to you. He has been non-stop in begging me to take him back under any conditions. Stop smoking pot, stop drinking, no more lies, etc. Classic behavior to wrap me back in. Yeah, he probably figures that the longer you are with him, the harder it will be eventually to leave him. So as long as he can keep delaying...

Admitting to how stupid he was, swearing he just went off the deep end when his wife left him 2 years ago and suddenly these girls (many) were interested in him and he was living the "guy" dream. Ha, or the sociopath dream. Power = excitement, which is a primary motivator for sociopaths. Having people want you sexually = power.

Used the same flattery on all of them. When we got together he was in the relationship with the married woman, telling her how much he loved her. Swears it was all pillow talk, swears he only wants me. He could have meant this sincerely, at least when he said it.

Told him he lies, I don't believe anything, I don't trust him and that I think he is a sociopath. He swears he feels things, swears he feels horribly guilty, hates what he did to me, blah, blah, blah. He's been back on Match.com looking for his next target. Told him the only way I will even consider allowing him in my life is to go to a psychologist and be tested for APD with me giving the psychologist all of his history. He swears he is going to do it, is off match.com and basically saying he is not going to screw this up. So.... Is this typical? Sociopaths can actually do rather well with clear cut instructions in personal relationships. I always tell my "loved ones," you have to tell me what to do, otherwise I won't know. If you tell me, I will do it. I know how to manipulate and control myself. Sure I may do horrible things, but let me make up for it by using my sociopath skills for good in the relationship.
I hear so much about how people with APD won't accept any responsibility, etc. so I don't know what to think of this. He may not go through with it and that will be the answer to my question. Right, I've heard that too. I mean, I am quick to justify my own actions and slow to think I did something wrong, sure. But that is partly because (1) I really do put a lot more thought into my actions than most people and so have readymade justifications at hand and (2) I have a different value system than most, I think different things are "wrong" and "right," and I'm not going to accept "responsibility" for things that other people think are "wrong" just because they say so.

I told him I have no restrictions, I owe him nothing, I can date, etc. but if he has any contact whatsoever with other women I am completely out until the stuff with the psychiatrist is resolved. What do you think? Could work. If it doesn't, what are you out?

99% of me wants to just have him disappear but it is very hard when someone is so adamant that they want you in your life and that they love you so much and want nothing more than to be the man you deserve and make you happy. Ha, yeah, we're charming.

Don't you get sick of us over emotional people?? lol Only when it turns into a hate fest.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Who do you love?

Question from a reader, my answers are in bold:
I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago because after many lies I became suspicious and logged on to a few of his accounts and found out that he had also been cheating. This man told me he loved me within 3-4 weeks of meeting me. Has constantly told me how beautiful and sexy I was. Had a sex drive that was incredible. We could have sex several times a day and he would still masturbate. He could have orgasms one after the other up to 4 in a row. During all of this he was seeing another woman who he had started an affair with prior to me once a week at lunch. He wanted me to have his baby, wanted to move in with me. Said I could stay home with the child and not work. Everythink that I wanted he swore he wanted too. A little farm in the country, yes, organic food, yes. He knew my ex had pushed me to have an abortion so he was going to have his vasectomy reversed so that we could have a child together. This is a classic example of how sociopaths are so inherently flexible. They have the ability to become whatever they want. Whatever you want, if you strike their fancy. I mean, really, what are the chances of this man wanting a farm in the country, organic food, etc.? Clearly a sociopath.

All of this while lying constantly, texting other women on a regular basis, having a long term affair with another. He is a heavy pot smoker, heavy drinker. He believes he is very intelligent. The things that make me question whether he was a sociopath are that he was in the navy for 8 years. The military would be a good "legitimate" outlet for his destructive, thrill-seeking ways, and power-seeking behavior. He probably didn't mind taking orders from one person as long as he knew he could lord it over another larger group.
Married for 10 but she left him because of his constant lying, pot addiction and bursts of anger. She said it was like dealing with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He has a great job now that he has had for several years and seems to be fairly conscientious about it. He screws off a lot but he has a lot of responsiblity and seems to take it seriously when necessary. Yeah, high-functioning sociopaths do this. They have a concept of not defecating where they eat. They will keep certain things stable in their life and find outlets for their deviant behavior in ways that are less likely to backfire on them.
After breaking up with him he denied for several days even though I had written proof and then went from being angry and mean to begging me to give him another chance from one hour to the next. He swears that his D day for being the man that I deserved was when he was moving in (just a few after I caught him) but I assume it is all just more lies. I mean, what is a lie really? Sounds like he wants you in his life, just maybe not on terms that you would prefer. What do you want to hear from him? That he is dedicated to you in his way? Sounds like he is. That he can be dedicated to you in a way that normal people can? Sounds like he can't. What role does honesty have when you are asking him to be someone he is not or else you will take away something very valuable to him. Wouldn't we all "lie" to prevent that from happening? Even if just to ourselves? Did you ever lie to yourself in the relationship?

Does that sound like a Sociopath or is there something closely related that has more bearing? Sociopath, although you have given me just a handful of choice facts. Who knows what is really going on in his mind.

It really shouldn't matter but for some stupid reason if it is based on an actual condition maybe I don't have to feel like such an idiot for buying into what he was selling. Were you an idiot? Am I an idiot if I watch an inane blockbuster movie and get a few laughs? Maybe you were just enjoying yourself. At least the sex, right?

He made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and swore I made him a better man but his actions were so the opposite. See, why would you go questioning the fact that you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Can't he think that and behave as he did? If he is a sociopath he can. Is his behavior really so inconsistent? I mean, polyamory is not for everyone, but it's not so out there. I'm just saying, does it matter more to you how he feels about you and how he treats you? Or what he does when you are not around? Does he have to be his "real" self all the time? And if he was, would you even like him still?

I am self diagnosing him but I thought I would look for a little feedback.

Thanks.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Losing a sociopath (part II)

My response (cont.)
Empaths look at the amount of hurt caused by loss and say, "This is what this meant to me, this is how much I valued that thing and now I am grieving in equal amounts." Empaths examine their own grief that way, and they also take cues from others about how much something meant to them: "He seems to be handling this well, he must not have cared very much." But sociopaths experience grief in a much different way; it's like comparing apples to oranges. You will never know how much your sociopath cared about you or your relationship because you have absolutely no context for the amount. It would be like me telling you that he cared for you 10 martian kroners worth, or 10 billion solar pesos. There is no reference point for you to understand, no known exchange rate. And I think that is what you are really asking, right? Not does he feel sad, because I am sure if you were together with him for a year you would know that yes he does feel sad. What you are really asking is how sad does he feel, how does he feel sadness, and what makes him sad, and particularly whether he is sad about the prospect of your leaving him?

But more than just that, what you want is meaning. You want an explanation for everything that happened in the relationship, everything he said, everything you did together. I understand this about empaths -- it is not so much what happens to them but how/why that matters. Take hypothetical situation: an empath starts out with $100 in the morning, gives $50 to a homeless guy, and then gets mugged for the other $50. Or they lose the other $50 in a storm drain. They feel good about the $50 to the homeless guy and feel bad about the other $50. That is very strange to the sociopath, because both are arguably just a loss of $50. But here is the weirdest part! Empaths would rather have lost the other $50 in a storm drain than have been mugged for it. Why?! As a sociopath I see the justification for giving the homeless man the money -- you are transferring wealth to someone who will value the money more than you. But the same applies to the mugging! The money goes to someone who probably needs/values it more. The only arguably bad outcome is losing the $50 in the storm drain, which empaths feel fine about. But that's because to the empaths it is not the fact that $50 was lost in these various ways, but how it happened.

Similarly, because you are an empath, you will concoct a huge story for the relationship, an explanation for everything you were, everything that happened. You will rehash every memory, relive every conversation, even reread past correspondence searching for "answers." You will try to find meaning in this story that you piece together of what "really happened." You will look for motives, you will question everything you thought you knew about him and the relationship, and it will be very very painful. Your sociopath will not do any of this. He only knows that the relationship failed. He will only see the result, perhaps the most immediate cause. He will not suffer this rehashing pain, but it is not because he cared any more or less. He just cared differently, and he is emotionally evolutionarily advanced enough to not indulge in an elaborate investigation and revisionist history. He will grieve, and he will move on. And there is no reason at all to fault him for that. In fact, when you look at things this way, is he really the one that is causing you so much pain? You are devastated because the relationship failed and you are suffering loss. But you are in pain because you are a reactionary empath and you are making things worse by reliving and rethinking every tiny detail. You are overreacting and focusing on things that don't matter, like the whys and hows while he is focused on the true measure of success, failure, loss -- the what. I think if you are honest with yourself, you will see that your pain/disease is more autoimmune than viral. So no, I don't think he gets what "he has done" to you. I bet he doesn't attribute any of your self-inflicted pain to himself, and for good reason.

With all of this said, I realize that pain is pain no matter what the cause, and you are an empath so you probably can't be expected to do better than you're doing, and I understand that sociopaths are very difficult to deal with and that you have probably suffered a lot of frustration over the past year with him. I hope that you are able to quickly find peace and wish you all the best in your time of grief.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Losing a sociopath (part I)

From a reader:
HI I'm getting out or a least trying to get out of a relationship with a sociopath. I'm devastated and in so much pain. doing some research i found out your bog that i find very interesting.
My question today is, do you feel pain? are sociopaths understand the pain that inflict on the people the say they love? because reading you and looking for information, i would have to think that he of course doesn't love me or care about me. Does a sociopath cares about anything? does he ever feel sad?
I'm so in love with this guy but it has been a year long painful relationship i cant do this to myself anymore. Do you think he gets what he has done to me?
My response:
We feel pain, but over different types of things, which doesn't necessarily guarantee that your sociopath is currently feeling pain. But he said he loved you, and if you feel like he had no reason to lie, he was probably telling the truth -- whatever "love" might mean to him. This is all assuming he is a sociopath, which unless he has admitted to being a sociopath, he very well may not be.

I've mentioned this before, but in love relationships, if sociopaths are truly committed/invested in the relationship (i.e. not just seducing, ruining, or gaming), they are very childlike. They love seflishly like a child, they can by petty like a child, they are emotionally superficial like a child, they are self-centered like a child. They are very focused on having their own needs met, and they are quick to forget you. What do people always say when children's parents die? That it is sad, but luckily they are young and they'll get over it quickly. Sociopaths can be extremely disappointed at the end of a relationship for lots of reasons -- feelings of failure, loneliness, and loss (not necessarily upset at losing you or your love, but losing at least whatever happiness you brought him, whatever role you filled). They are also easily assuaged, quick to move on.
(cont.)

Friday, May 1, 2009

Desperately seeking sociopath

More from reader "R":
I realized part of my bitter disappointment was that [the man i was dating] was only a narcissist [not a sociopath]. I am a person that is highly sensitive and I do think that I have an almost debilitating capacity to understand and at times feel what other feel. Is seems that just because you are emotional does not necessarily make you good. It has however after a lot of time of introspection made me realize that I can understand people's motives pretty easily. I'm distressed because they are usually, well... So I oscillate between thinking I 'm a crazy narcissist or I'm doomed to be lonely, because I'm afraid I'm on to something. Anyway, I think I was trying to find a sociopath, 1) for relief from having to feel all the time and 2) so I could objectively share information. What do you think?
My response:
I think your reasons for seeking out a sociopath make perfect sense. From what you are describing, you sound like what I call an "uber-empath," someone who is on the opposite extreme of the empathy spectrum as the sociopath. Like many extremes, sociopaths and uber-empaths actually seem to get along quite well. I have had many friends and relationships with uber empaths. In this post I say the following with an uber-empath friend:

Uber-empaths and sociopaths actually make okay friends because the empath is constantly emoting all the time, like kryptonite killing off lesser things, but the sociopaths are unfazed, immune. And sociopaths rarely get to show off to people who really appreciate them, but uber-empaths can understand and appreciate.
So I think there can be a healthy, symbiotic relationship between the two.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Relationship with a sociopath: breaking up is hard to do

A(nother) reason that many sociopaths like to be around people, have friends, be in relationships, etc.:
Rejection resonates with a primal threat, one the brain seems designed to highlight. [I]n human prehistory being part of a band was essential for survival; exclusion could be a death sentence, as is still true today for infant mammals in the wild. The pain center [that triggers actual physical pain at real or impending social isolation] may have evolved this sensitivity to social exclusion as an alarm signal to warn of potntial banishment--and presumably to prompt us to repair the threatened relationship.

When our need for closeness goes unmet, emotional disorders can result. . . . Social rejection--or fearing it--is one of the most common causes of anxiety. Feelings of inclusion depend not so much on having frequent social contacts or numerous relationships as on how accepted we feel, even in just a few key relationships.
Also from Social Intelligence. This interesting because I can feel severe anxiety at the prospect of a break up, resulting in nausea, headaches, and other intense physical pain. A relative of mine (also sociopath) gets the same -- always in the toilet vomiting when his girlfriend threatens to leave him. I don't know whether all socios are that way, but I imagine that they at least find isolation or abandonment to be unpleasant.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

You must be a gemini

Some people are just asking for trouble. And by trouble I mean sociopaths. As further proof that those who seek after and date sociopaths are asking for it, here's a response to this email after my original personal ad:
Okay, actually, I should have added a few more things to my list: sinister, promiscuous, flexible definition of the truth, emotionally unavailable, able to rationalize almost anything to myself, manipulative, prone to boredom, weak sense of empathy. Still very Jimmy Stewart-esque, right?
"Marty" responds:
you sound like a Gemini!! I am a Taurus....Marty
Marty, you sound like you're asking for it. I hope you get what's coming to you.

You can kind of see why Marty would guess Gemini because they are two-faced monsters. But sociopaths are not two-faced so much as one-faced with a mask. Maybe that seems like a distinction without a difference, but I have the sense that not many sociopaths are geminis. I've often wondered if certain astrological signs had more sociopaths than others. I think cancers may be prone to sociopathy, but I am biased being a cancerian myself. I also think that even though Geminis might not be great sociopaths, they can easily be narcissists. But I don't really have anything besides anecdotal evidence to base these assertions on. Thoughts on the astrological connection?

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Sociopath = into S&M?

Most of the responses from my empaths-who-date-sociopaths-are-asking-for-it experiment were from the women seeking men ad. Maybe that means that straight men are more into sociopaths than straight women, gay men, or gay women. But I think the more likely explanation is that straight men looking on craigslist for women are looking for a dominatrix. Guys looking for nice girls go to church social functions, guys looking for easy girls go to bars, and guys looking for dangerous girls go online. True? How about this as a case in point:
Just a Great ad .... and straight to the point .. so well done you .... pity half the people who worked for me arnt like that ... save me so much time ... but thats life i guess... and i like jimmy Stewart also ....
You will also no doubt be deluged with replies .... and some very strange i bet ... however if no suitable white knights on horseback ( in full shinning armour of course ) happen to appear just let me know...... and i will feed my steed and drinks ( the Sanderson is good fun ) and dinner would be my pleasure ....
Me .... 6'2 200lbs (slim ) 54 considered attractive ( well a frog needs a kiss now and then )..... my home is in Liverpool and i keep a flat in London as my business is down here ....as I am every week for 2/3 days (for all my sins I am in the fashion industry ... we supply clothing to most high street strores River Wallis Oasis etc etc etc ... ... ) we have an office in Hong Kong were i go for around 8/9 days every 8 weeks or so .... I also keep a home in Majorca and try to get out there most weekends during the summer...

If i hear from you when it would be nice .... and if not i wish you luck on your quest....

Peter
Peter, like many others, was not dissuaded by my addendum to my personal ad:
Almost .... no stutter ..... and of course he was very nice to all in " a wonderful life " ... and most of the other listed things are .... well " cool "
.. sinister ( hmmmmm ) promiscuous ( more HMMMMM .. capital letters ) .. flexible and able to rationalise ... ( dont we all ) manipulative ( most women are ... its actauly a gift )
.... so you sound quite the lady .....
Now if i was a couch doctor i would probably find many things wrong with you .... however as i am not and of course my services are free ... and include the bottle of good wine and dinner ..... it may be well seen as " sinister " ..... " promiscuous " and " manipulative " .... but you decide.
I will of course promise not to bore you.....
Oh, I know you won't bore me, Peter. I won't let you.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

S is for serious as a heart attack

One response to my men seeking men personal ad:
You sound so conceited I want to cry
I had to laugh at this, of course, but I also really respect this guy's astuteness. I sent him the same follow up email I sent most of the responses to my ad:
Okay, actually, I should have added a few more things to my list: sinister, promiscuous, flexible definition of the truth, emotionally unavailable, able to rationalize almost anything to myself, manipulative, prone to boredom, weak sense of empathy. Still very Jimmy Stewart -esque, right?
He mistook my complete sincerity for being a joke and actually apologized:
You gave me a good laugh. Thanks. I need to lighten up. It's rare that I send snide remarks to strangers. I can reduce that to zero. Don't know if it's jimmy stewartesque. You sound honest here.

Ron
Thanks Ron. I was being honest. And by honest I mean that the words I said were to be interpreted as having their ordinary dictionary meaning.

I don't understand how empaths can say one thing and mean an entirely different thing and the true meaning is understood by other empaths. Ttsk tsk to the whole phenomenon of sarcasm. But prevalent sarcasm and insincerity make it easier for sociopaths to "pass" in normal society. If you've ever seen an episode of Dexter, some of the funniest moments are when he is telling the horrible truth about something he did but no one will believe him because no one wants to believe that horrible things and people exist. But we do. Seriously.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Are you sane?

So read one response to "my" personal ad with this picture attached.

I was actually relieved to get such a response. Although I definitely think there are people who truly want to date sociopaths because they are sociopaths (and some do it successfully), I also think that most people do not want to date and/or are not well-suited to date or otherwise be involved with a sociopath. Of course the better the sociodar of the people in the latter category, the better off everyone is. So congrats to the author of this response for having enough good sense to know that we are not quite sane.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Who wants to date a sociopath: narcissists

As promised, here are some results from our sociopath inspired personal ad. Who wants to date a sociopath? Well, narcissists for one. This was a response from the London ad for women seeking men (which was the most popular ad, speculation on why later):
Your add appeals to me because I do extreme sports too. I shoot guns, just hand guns, at a shooting range. Theyre a lot more efficient than swords :) Anyway, I think most guys just mistake being beautiful for being interesting too. Well, to start I guess, im intelligent both conventionally and unconventionally. But I also know how to be quirky and im usually easily amused, which seems to be infectious. I love cars, mostly exotics and luxury cars, and fortunately Ive learned enough about them to carry on a conversation. I also like motorcycles, mostly just sport bikes though. I have a Ninja 500r, im still learning , but the thing is so awesome and fast and dangerous, its incredible. I work with kids and for some reason they love me. Theyre quite amusing and I always come home feeling like I made a difference, which is nice. As a matter of fact Im at work right now, on my phone, so I shpould get back to torturing the children. :) what about you...you have to have something interesting about you.
I'm not too surprised by the narcissist connection. Narcissists wouldn't be turned off by sociopaths' lack of empathy because the narcissist is probably too wrapped up in himself to notice. Narcissists would, however, appreciate common interests, like this guy who has a love of handguns, swords, and fast and dangerous motorcycles. And kids. I think that's the most disturbing thing about his response.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Love crimes: the experiment

I finally kicked off the personal ad experiment. I posted a sociopath-seeking-love ad in four different cities in four different categories on craigslist. If you're interested in what the ad looked like in its final forms, here's New York, London, San Francisco, and Los Angeles. Craigslist doesn't have permalinks and they'll only be up there for a few weeks, so sorry if the links don't work for you.

I've already gotten quite a few responses -- I'll let you guess which ad most of the responses are coming from. If I ever do the experiment again, I think I would add words like "sinister" and "emotionally unavailable" to the description because I am getting several responses like "that sounds like me." I wonder if there really could be that many narcissists or sociopaths out there, or whether people are just ignoring the negative parts of the description and projecting what they want to see.

This has been some of the most fun I have had recently. There have been a few very sincere responses that made me feel funny or a little evil. But I quickly got over it. Mainly I think the responders are suckers, "asking for it," or that they would do the same thing to me if they had half a chance. More details on the responses later.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Sociopath personal ad

There has been some debate about whether people who are consistently attracted to sociopaths get what they're asking for. On the one hand we have people arguing that being attracted to certain sociopathic traits, e.g. charm, gift for adoration, and intensity, are not necessarily looking for a sociopath--they're just looking for someone with charm, a gift for adoration, and intensity. Okay, sure, I understand that logic. But how many sociopathic traits are people going to list off as being attractive and still claim to not be attracted to sociopaths? My theory is that there actually are people out there who are attracted to sociopaths because they are sociopaths.

To test that theory, I have come up with a little social experiment. I'll post a personal ad depicting a non-criminal sociopath and see what sort of responses it gets. Here is my first shot at the ad (using as many traits from hare's sociopathy checklist as practical); feel free to suggest alterations so we can make this test as "fair" as possible:
i've just made a few big life changes and am looking to focus more on an intense connection with a special somebody. i haven't had much luck with relationships so far. just when i think i am really getting to connect with someone, they freak out. they start acting like i have changed when really i have been the same the whole time. so after being burned too many times, i am looking for someone who will love me for who i really am, not whatever they imagine me to be. in the interest of full disclosure, here's me:

charming, attractive, succesful, very smart, a cut above, love adventure and intrigue, impulsive, active, love extreme sports, exciting, motorcycles, clever, persuasive, confident, doesn't take no for an answer, not easily deflated or worked up about things, never moody, takes care of self, passionate, loves to tempt and be tempted, driven.

let me know if any of this sounds interesting. and actually, just so i can make sure you're not just spamming people with generic emails, let me know what about my self-portrait is especially appealing to you and why.

happy hunting.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

She was asking for it

Some people are attracted to sociopaths for the very traits that make them sociopaths, then complain when they suddenly realize what a horrible situation they've gotten themselves into. Here is a sociopath dishing out some reality to yet another "victim" of sociopathic "love fraud."
As a sociopath myself I can confidently tell you just because someone has those traits does not mean they're a sociopath.

AND...

Have you ever dated the type of guy that left you constantly waiting by the phone with an uneasy sick feeling in the pit of your stomach?

Or a guy who made you feel bad about yourself, but for some reason you couldn't leave him? (Of course, that same guy, at times, also made you feel like you were the only person on this planet--you know, that "hot-cold" type).

And have you ever walked into a club and found yourself so attracted to one particular guy, you felt like you were in a trance and literally couldn't stop making eyes with him?

Might mean there's something wrong with you!
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