tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post9070041505319207993..comments2024-03-28T00:33:57.308-07:00Comments on Sociopath World: Legitimate form of lifeUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger247125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-4646867301166727402017-03-23T19:46:43.108-07:002017-03-23T19:46:43.108-07:00That's a very interesting thought.
I might dr...That's a very interesting thought.<br /><br />I might draw a parallel in deaf culture. My wife had a brush with loss of hearing (another story). Trying to figure out how our potential future might be, we learned that there is a distinct culture between those born deaf, and those who have lost their hearing. <br /><br />The lack of hearing in someone born deaf is a part of their identity, and it's common to meet someone who has never known hearing, have no desire to gain hearing.this is not a bloghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03295660103606476164noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-40208208656085274362017-02-24T20:52:44.248-08:002017-02-24T20:52:44.248-08:00This Ukan is probably M.E. I don't know if her...This Ukan is probably M.E. I don't know if her therapist would approve. We used to slap this Ukan around back in the day, but, like a nasty virus, we found ourselves weakened and bored.aspienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-65427763219794425242017-02-15T11:09:39.948-08:002017-02-15T11:09:39.948-08:00Freeman Dyson's a genius. His wrote enjoyable...Freeman Dyson's a genius. His wrote enjoyable book entitled The Starship and the Canoe. The starship is Dyson. The canoe, his son.<br /><br />Mr. Hyde<br /><br />Great posts, BTW.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-67257723248830408732017-02-13T20:16:22.233-08:002017-02-13T20:16:22.233-08:00Mr Hyde - I'll be back!Mr Hyde - I'll be back!Northhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09244806273774124428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-63024951009988371752017-02-13T19:57:06.700-08:002017-02-13T19:57:06.700-08:00Excerpts from Preface to An Anthropologist on Mars...<em>Excerpts from Preface to An Anthropologist on Mars:</em><br /><br />“Nature’s imagination, as Freeman Dyson likes to say, is richer than ours, and he speaks, marvellingly, of this richness in the physical and biological worlds, the endless diversity of physical forms and forms of life. For me, as a physician, nature’s richness is to be studied in the phenomena of health and disease, in the endless forms of individual adaptation by which human organisms, people, adapt and reconstruct themselves, faced with the challenges and vicissitudes of life.<br /><br />Defects, disorders, diseases, in this sense, can play a paradoxical role, by bringing out latent powers, developments, evolutions, forms of life, that might never be seen, or even be imaginable, in their absence. It is the paradox of disease, in this sense, its “creative” potential, that forms the central theme of this book.”<br /><br />Excerpt From: Oliver Sacks. “An Anthropologist on Mars.” iBooks. <br /><br /><br />“This sense of the brain’s remarkable plasticity, its capacity for the most striking adaptations, not least in the special (and often desperate) circumstances of neural or sensory mishap, has come to dominate my own perception of my patients and their lives. So much so, indeed, that <strong>I am sometimes moved to wonder whether it may not be necessary to redefine the very concepts of “health” and “disease”, to see these in terms of the ability of the organism to create a new organization and order, one that fits its special, altered disposition and needs, rather than in the terms of a rigidly defined “norm.”</strong><br /><br />Sickness implies a contraction of life, but such contractions do not have to occur. Nearly all of my patients, so it seems to me, whatever their problems, reach out to life—and not only despite their conditions, but often because of them, and even with their aid.”<br /><br />Excerpt From: Oliver Sacks. “An Anthropologist on Mars.” iBooks. <br /><br /><br />Northhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09244806273774124428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-29612893975784400082017-02-13T19:53:46.267-08:002017-02-13T19:53:46.267-08:00She gives me little tidbits of therapy through tex...<em>She gives me little tidbits of therapy through text so that I can remain at a comfortable distance. The last time I cut her off, she said... "That's right. Go exercise, and push your body to the point of physical discomfort, so you don't have to deal with any emotional discomfort." Ha! I thought that was really astute. </em><br /><br />There's a strong relationship between emotion and the body. I would push my body so hard in training and games that it could no longer hold in the emotion and I would cry. I had no idea why I was crying though. That's only apparent now. <br /><br />Emotion is energy and it finds it's own vehicles if we don't allow it passage. It's good to have an outlet. Actually, I took my son to a psychologist and she encouraged him to shoot hoops or ride his bike when he felt overwhelmed with emotion. Fear and anger, for example, are very physical, in-the-moment survival responses. For myself, I danced a lot through those most turbulent months - that was another way I learnt to connect with what I was feeling. Wordless, you see. I hadn't ever given voice to my emotions :)<br /><br /><em>In real life, I attack anything I perceive as a threat. Online, I attack ideologies and people for fun. I enjoy attacking things in general. Debates and conflict energize me.</em><br />Indeed. <br /><br />I've relaxed the debating and arguing for fun although I do engage occasionally. As a child, I was always having to argue my own existence and the rationale for anything I did to my father, who is formidably logical. As an adult, I then found it surprisingly easy to justify my position and to argue convincingly. But I was happy to give it up when I realised I was scaring the fuck out of people and losing opportunities as a result.Northhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09244806273774124428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-41559785334360456002017-02-13T19:46:12.044-08:002017-02-13T19:46:12.044-08:00Hi A,
She says that being surrounded with harshne...Hi A,<br /><br /><em>She says that being surrounded with harshness and abuse as a child made me grow into a person who is always reacting as though I am under threat, even when I am not. It is why I am so aggressive/assertive, lose my temper, and can't form proper emotional connections with people.</em><br />All of that is perfectly true of me, although I might not have suffered egregious abuse. <br /><br />I also fear engulfment.<br /><br /><em>She also explained that I am so turned off by the victim mindset, and associate vulnerability with weakness, because I *was* victimized as a child. </em><br />I can relate to this as well. When the police first told me what was happening was domestic violence, I simply did not believe them. I utterly rejected that mindset. <br /><br />Ultimately, I had to accept that people were harming me. <br /><br />I keep those two concepts quite separate in my mind. <br /><br />Oh, I just read Mr Hyde's post and see he has said something similar. I like his word swaps. Vulnerability, at least where I am at, is acknowledging to myself that I would like to connect in a particular way. I don't think I've graduated to receptiveness but that's a good goal.<br /><br />Something that helped me quite a lot was this paper called <a href="http://philosophy.cah.ucf.edu/fpr/files/10_1/stanlick.pdf" rel="nofollow">Reconciling with harm: an alternative to forgiveness and revenge</a>. The basic premise is that focusing on healing wounds and meeting needs is a superior strategy than either forgiveness or revenge, both of which offer undue attention to the perpetrator. <br /><br /><em>(I refuse to go to therapy, so it would appear that therapy has come to me. Lol.)</em> The Lord works in mysterious ways... or in my preferred language: when the student is ready, the master appears.<br /><br /><em>We are at odds about whether or not it is healthy for me to have rejected internalizing this mindset. She thinks I need to learn to accept that I was victimized in order to start to feel things normally. I think she's full of shit. :)</em><br />Well, it's another goal of mine to distinguish more nuance and richness in my own emotional range. And that does mean coming out of my comfort zone. Sometimes, the path with heart (this simply means what I really want to do) is hidden beneath learned patterns. It's uncomfortable, but I am learning to breathe through those moments.<br /><br />I'll be honest: sometimes it feels as though the centre cannot hold. But it always does. Even if I can't yet connect well to others, I am creating better connections within myself and I see that as a platform.<br /><br /><em>Being the way I am gives me distinct advantages that I have no intention of sloughing off. My personality is what it is, and I don't really want to change. I quite like myself the way I am. I don't feel at a loss because I don't process my emotions the way most people do</em><br />Growth should always be in accordance with our own being. <br /><br />I recommend Oliver Sacks if you haven't read him. His <a href="http://l3d.cs.colorado.edu/~ctg/classes/lib/cogsci/anthromars.pdf" rel="nofollow">Preface to An Anthropologist on Mars</a> is outstanding. I'll post a couple of excerpts below.Northhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09244806273774124428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-49415512242931010532017-02-13T13:06:32.409-08:002017-02-13T13:06:32.409-08:00Hey Vegas,
Your absence is worrisome. Hope you d...Hey Vegas,<br /><br />Your absence is worrisome. Hope you didn't buy a gun . . . laughed at my poem. No harm intended, my dear. I was simply poking fun -- I don't write 'romantic' stuff and when thinking of Valentine's Day, my twisted noodle goes straight to the Valentine's Day massacre.<br /><br />Mr. HydeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-29421532455975301012017-02-13T09:29:35.576-08:002017-02-13T09:29:35.576-08:00Sorry for all the typos.
Mr. HydeSorry for all the typos.<br /><br />Mr. HydeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-1006458110193986262017-02-13T09:13:08.502-08:002017-02-13T09:13:08.502-08:00A,
"She thinks I am missing out on a range a...A,<br /><br />"She thinks I am missing out on a range and depth of emotion" <br /><br />You could well be. But the "range and depth" is a bed of thorns as well as roses. There's always a trade-off,it seems. For the most part, I enjoy my emotions in the same way you enjoy your logical detachment, and wouldn't change that. So, you're contentment with the way you appears to me sensible. <br /><br />"that I could better access if I allowed myself to be more vulnerable."<br /><br />Vulnerable, like victim, are poor word choices. I would choose 'receptiveness' for vulnerable and 'wounded' for victim. It's hard to to open when you've been wounded, but even wounded animals can and do expose themselves to further harm from humans and other animals. Although I've been raped, beaten and screwed over over the course of my life, I have never felt victimized. Until, that is, my trust was betrayed by someone whom I thought was my friend, under dangerous circumstances in which I could have died. In fact, I realize now that he _wanted_ me die, so I couldn't rat him out for what he did earlier on our shift. He would have lost his job and likely would have been banned from working in the industry. Anyway, for a while after this incident (which caused my PTSD) I was so confused, traumatized and dysfunctional that I did start to feel victimized -- but no more. To say I was victimized is to lay blame on not only him but me, and I refuse to do that.<br /><br />So, I am not a victim but I have been wounded. Shit happens to everyone -- what to do? <br /><br />Expose this asshole to the community before he hurts someone else simply because they won't fuck him. (I know you read this site, LN-Bruce-Thomas, you dickless, cowardly, piece of shit. I hope you realize what's coming down the pipe, Son. By the time I'm done you won't have a friend left in this hood and no one will ever want to work with you again.) <br /><br />Anyway, A, I'm healing from this betrayal of trust and though it sound like I'm solely seeking revenge (a bit true, as tit-for-tat is only fair), I'm mostly concerned about my ex-co-workers, as our work environment is very, very dangerous and if your one and only co-worker isn't there to support you, you're screwed.<br /><br />"Except I'm a callous shithead on occasion, and of course this means I'm abusive at times"<br /><br />Aren't we all? Sometimes callousness is called for. Like with LN, mentioned above. <br /><br />"But I don't see how making myself vulnerable will help me with that. I also think it is strategically stupid."<br /><br />You're right. It's stupid. Being receptive with your antennae up works better. It's possible to be receptive and still detect a threat. Animals do it all the time.<br /><br />If she sees my eyes flash she just comes up to me and says "you're doing it now, A... just breathe." I accept this from her because of who she is. I like her. I think she's cute... she doesn't challenge me-- she just helps me."<br /><br />Sounds like you are great person to work for. The fact that you have a short fuse but can still recognize that she is trying to help you and not lash out, is pretty awesome.<br /><br />Another word about PTSD. It has many, many forms and degrees. For me, it wasn't because I witnessed buckets of blood for years on end, it was because my trust was betrayed by a 'brother-in-arms' . . . remember that scene from the movie "Apocalypse Now" where Charlie Sheen shoots Sargent Barnes? I feel like Sheen does, that LN broke a sacred pact. A pact that lives depend on in a war zone. <br /><br />It was much easier to forgive the rapist, who was a stranger and drunken animal, than it is to forgive LN.<br /><br />For an idea of the type of PTSD I suffer, check out "That Lonely Section of Hell," written by a female police officer, who worked on serial killer, Robert Pickton's case. <br /><br />Mr. Hyde<br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-6079300994884510872017-02-13T07:48:37.102-08:002017-02-13T07:48:37.102-08:00A Slice of Heaven.A Slice of Heaven.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-35115494107433125332017-02-13T06:00:30.902-08:002017-02-13T06:00:30.902-08:00Donde estas?Donde estas?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-70204161440606993972017-02-13T05:50:58.512-08:002017-02-13T05:50:58.512-08:00Neytiri?Neytiri?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-90474911153684555202017-02-13T05:49:08.378-08:002017-02-13T05:49:08.378-08:00Signs...Signs...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-7579577765349721722017-02-13T01:38:00.531-08:002017-02-13T01:38:00.531-08:00Hi A,
Much of what you wrote resonated with me, a...Hi A,<br /><br />Much of what you wrote resonated with me, and to the point I couldn't digest all of it at the first reading.<br /><br />I've mentioned previously I think my sister may be sociopathic. There's some shared heritage.<br /><br />There are differences. I had a bad case of learned helplessness. I have observed what you say: sociopaths assuming the dominant position at the negotiation table (any interaction really.) This, however, was the opposite of what I did.<br /><br />I enjoyed reading your comments and wanted to say that. I don't have the opportunity for a proper response now but will write again shortly.<br /><br />And I'll respond to you too, Mr Hyde!<br /><br />Very interesting comments today :)Northhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09244806273774124428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-63083726364339321172017-02-12T23:36:13.447-08:002017-02-12T23:36:13.447-08:00An immediacy to victories, to having the upper han...<i>An immediacy to victories, to having the upper hand, to not giving any quarter, to establishing advantage. This psychological concept of attacking | avoiding | escaping threat - I think it applies to opportunity too. I attack threat but also opportunity; it's quite evident in the way I drive."</i><br /><br />In real life, I attack anything I perceive as a threat. Online, I attack ideologies and people for fun. I enjoy attacking things in general. Debates and conflict energize me.<br /><br />But I always try to leverage opportunity.<br /><br />It is good practice to define and immediately seize the upper hand in any negotiation. Strike first, and grab as much territory as you can. Expect your demands and concerns to be met.Anoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-88855919499322323942017-02-12T21:59:23.977-08:002017-02-12T21:59:23.977-08:00I don't know if I have PTSD. My colleague isn...I don't know if I have PTSD. My colleague isn't a shrink, just a psychology minor who's adept at discerning what makes people tick. I don't like labels, and frankly, I find that one a bit dramatic. I may have been the subject of abuse, but you can't be a victim unless you internalize that mindset. Rather than allow it to make me weak, I used it to make myself strong. She says that to be vulnerable is to be strong. We disagree on that point. :)<br /><br /><i>Does she think you're at a loss because you don't process emotions the way others do? Does she expect or want to feel emotions similar to the way she does, or the way you, as someone whose cognition is different, can experience feelings?</i><br /><br />She thinks I am missing out on a range and depth of emotion that I could better access if I allowed myself to be more vulnerable. But I don't care about possessing a greater range and depth of emotion. I think I'm just fine exactly as I am.<br /><br />Except I'm a callous shithead on occasion, and of course this means I'm abusive at times, so I perpetuate the damn cycle, and yeah. <br /><br />But I don't see how making myself vulnerable will help me with that. I also think it is strategically stupid.<br /><br /><i>Wow. That's impresssive. How the hell does she do that -- talk you down?</i><br /><br />If she sees my eyes flash she just comes up to me and says "you're doing it now, A... just breathe." I accept this from her because of who she is. I like her. I think she's cute. I can tell she's submissive (and unsatisfied, but I'm not going there.) And she doesn't challenge me-- she just helps me.<br /><br />As much as I love him, when my husband does that kind of thing, it makes me want to punch him in the face. That is because the basis of our relationship is one in which we challenge and push each other. We have very similar personalities. He is relatively antisocial. These were the only kinds of men I knew growing up; of course I married one.<br /><br /><i>I myself have had PSTD for two years now and it's still pretty tough</i><br /><br />Why? What happened to you?<br /><br /><i>Really? How old is she? It takes a lot to horrify me; I'm jaded from counselling the walked wounded for about 35 years</i><br /><br />Haha. I doubt anything I might confess would horrify you.<br /><br />She's my age. She's just a really good, sweet Christian girl. And there are some things about me she doesn't need to know. ;)<br />Anoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-81109528263842437222017-02-12T20:12:56.453-08:002017-02-12T20:12:56.453-08:00Van-Goghish painting I really like.
https://www.f...Van-Goghish painting I really like.<br /><br />https://www.facebook.com/justynakopania.studiounderthemoon/photos/a.210329332500290.1073741828.210321339167756/607048586161694/?type=3&theater<br /><br />Mr. HydeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-13425751934718309032017-02-12T19:49:17.434-08:002017-02-12T19:49:17.434-08:00A: "I have a form of PSTD. She says that bei...A: "I have a form of PSTD. She says that being surrounded with harshness and abuse as a child made me grow into a person who is always reacting as though I am under threat, even when I am not. It is why I am so aggressive/assertive, lose my temper, and can't form proper emotional connections with people."<br /><br />A relative of mine has suffered PSTD for 7-8 years and this is exactly what she goes through, too. Her mood swings, temper and being in constant attack mode is quite striking. She wasn't like that at all before she was traumatized.<br /><br />A: " We are at odds about whether or not it is healthy for me to have rejected internalizing this mindset. She thinks I need to learn to accept that I was victimized in order to start to feel things normally. I think she's full of shit. :)<br /><br />Being the way I am gives me distinct advantages that I have no intention of sloughing off. My personality is what it is, and I don't really want to change. I quite like myself the way I am. I don't feel at a loss because I don't process my emotions the way most people do.<br /><br />Does she think you're at a loss because you don't process emotions the way others do? Does she expect or want to feel emotions similar to the way she does, or the way you, as someone whose cognition is different, can experience feelings?<br /><br />I haven't shared much with her- but she's onto me. She has a gentle but firm way of discussing these issues. She also knows exactly when I am about to lose my shit, and can talk me down when my temper flares up. Nobody has ever been able to do that to me before-- but oddly, it does not make me want to annihilate her." <br /><br />Wow. That's impresssive. How the hell does she do that -- talk you down? I'd sure like to know her secret for talking down someone suffering severe PTSD. I myself have had PSTD for two years now and it's still pretty tough -- controlling my temper when people won't leave me alone when I ask them to. (I have always required oodles of time to dream, walk, write and read; now alone-time is vitally important more than ever; if I don't get my solitary hours, I become a first class bitch.) <br /><br />"There's stuff I'll never be able to open up about because she would be horrified."<br /><br />Really? How old is she? It takes a lot to horrify me; I'm jaded from counselling the walked wounded for about 35 years. After all, I once had a guy who claimed that he was descended from Vlad the Impaler. He was charmingly obsessed . . . I found it hilarious.<br /><br />Mr. HydeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-75502322507564090132017-02-12T19:28:15.628-08:002017-02-12T19:28:15.628-08:00North: "Doing extreme things for me was, I t...North: "Doing extreme things for me was, I think, an antidote to the pain my will couldn't subdue."<br /><br />Interesting. It's something opposite for me, meaning I don't feel any pain or other distress to seek out extreme things. I recall giving my car, my last paycheck to my roommate so that I could see if I could hitchhike about 800 miles, eating hardly a thing, relying on whatever people offered or whatever I could scrounge. Slept in the desert, in alleys in big cities. And my friends were like appalled, scared and tried to discourage me. I couldn't make them understand that the whole trip was thrilling, because I was utterly free, living on the edge. Course back then I had trained myself to fast, so I had a certain advantage.<br /><br />There's a rawness I'm interested in. <br /><br />Me, too! I wonder sometimes why that is and sometimes think it has to do with probing under the surface of things.<br /><br />An immediacy to victories, to having the upper hand, to not giving any quarter, to establishing advantage. This psychological concept of attacking | avoiding | escaping threat - I think it applies to opportunity too. I attack threat but also opportunity; it's quite evident in the way I drive."<br /><br />Could you elaborate a bit on this. I'm curious because I'm the opposite -- I don't attack anything unless I'm forced to. I always open my pores to draw in the essence of a person, place or thing. For me, it's about merging with the subject, topic, whatever. Letting it penetrate and vice versa. <br /><br />As for driving fast, North, all I can say is I don't drive at all anymore . . . I'd be good at smashing a 5 ton truck through a wall during a crisis, though. ;)<br /><br />Mr. HydeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-4216927688991359962017-02-12T17:05:40.803-08:002017-02-12T17:05:40.803-08:00the zodiac is dead in my view however there's ...the zodiac is dead in my view however there's a chance he could still be out there. may be he comes on this site and messes with the flesh bags to get his jollies but i think he's long dead. adam is similar to the zodiac because he tries to be the outsider among outsiders, he's the kid at the back of the class who finds the work dull and unchallenging so he just causes chaos Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-53483620051725980442017-02-12T14:01:46.171-08:002017-02-12T14:01:46.171-08:00Lately, I've been more relaxed. I can see how ...<i>Lately, I've been more relaxed. I can see how patterns such as eating fast, driving fast, securing my position etc were based on a belief of perpetual threat.</i><br /><br />^^Absolutely. I do all of that. A colleague at work who studied psychology thinks I have a form of PSTD. She says that being surrounded with harshness and abuse as a child made me grow into a person who is always reacting as though I am under threat, even when I am not. It is why I am so aggressive/assertive, lose my temper, and can't form proper emotional connections with people. She also explained that I am so turned off by the victim mindset, and associate vulnerability with weakness, because I *was* victimized as a child. (I refuse to go to therapy, so it would appear that therapy has come to me. Lol.)<br /><br />We are at odds about whether or not it is healthy for me to have rejected internalizing this mindset. She thinks I need to learn to accept that I was victimized in order to start to feel things normally. I think she's full of shit. :)<br /><br />Being the way I am gives me distinct advantages that I have no intention of sloughing off. My personality is what it is, and I don't really want to change. I quite like myself the way I am. I don't feel at a loss because I don't process my emotions the way most people do.<br /><br />I haven't shared much with her- but she's onto me. She has a gentle but firm way of discussing these issues. She also knows exactly when I am about to lose my shit, and can talk me down when my temper flares up. Nobody has ever been able to do that to me before-- but oddly, it does not make me want to annihilate her. <br /><br />There's stuff I'll never be able to open up about because she would be horrified. But that's ok. I'm not *completely* open with anyone, ever.<br /><br />She gives me little tidbits of therapy through text so that I can remain at a comfortable distance. The last time I cut her off, she said... "That's right. Go exercise, and push your body to the point of physical discomfort, so you don't have to deal with any emotional discomfort." Ha! I thought that was really astute. <br /><br />She's new to our group, but I've already promoted her. <br /><br />So there. :P<br /><br /><i>I've been scared about doing something, but then I do it anyway. I think it's because I want the rush. Or I need it. I'm not sure. It doesn't matter.</i><br /><br />I don't like anything defeating me- least of all fear. Ugh. *No*. *Way*. Must. Conquer. :)Anoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-34772057030462948972017-02-12T11:29:30.995-08:002017-02-12T11:29:30.995-08:00> Perhaps they are so detached from the inner w...> Perhaps they are so detached from the inner workings<br />> of their bodies that they mentally disassociate<br /><br />I've been scared about doing something, but then I do it anyway. I think it's because I want the rush. Or I need it. I'm not sure. It doesn't matter.Damagednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-50139850428372734412017-02-12T11:12:40.166-08:002017-02-12T11:12:40.166-08:00My leg was shaking up and down, and I remember sta...<em>My leg was shaking up and down, and I remember staring at it in utter fascination, because I had steeled my mind for the task, and was thoroughly intrigued by the difference between my body's visceral reaction, and my mind's determination.</em><br /><br />A, this is a perfect analogy for how I dealt with my emotions throughout my life. I had made a decision - why would they not obey me?<br /><br />Doing extreme things for me was, I think, an antidote to the pain my will couldn't subdue.<br /><br />There's a rawness I'm interested in. An immediacy to victories, to having the upper hand, to not giving any quarter, to establishing advantage. This psychological concept of attacking | avoiding | escaping threat - I think it applies to opportunity too. I attack threat but also opportunity; it's quite evident in the way I drive.<br /><br />Lately, I've been more relaxed. I can see how patterns such as eating fast, driving fast, securing my position etc were based on a belief of perpetual threat. I wonder if that's not a bit similar? It's not that I consciously perceived threat, I just had a compulsion to achieve what I needed ASAP. My driving is tamer these days, but it's very difficult for me to slow down my speed of eating, for example.<br /><br />I don't fear death, either. Never have.<br /><br />anon, that's an interesting idea. I wonder are there not implicit pathways for the secondary emotions (like implicit memory)? <br /><br />Mr Hyde: "Living life to the fullest is the ultimate extreme sport. :)"<br /><br />It is! We are each individual tendrils of the still-expanding universe, part of the incredible process of life! We have such capacity to continue that expansion in accordance with our own being should we dare to embrace that challenge.Northhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09244806273774124428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-628748600098131100.post-62039858427043090582017-02-12T10:45:04.776-08:002017-02-12T10:45:04.776-08:00"I am not so detached from my inner workings ..."I am not so detached from my inner workings that I disassociate. I have a high threshold of tolerance for thrilling experiences. When I find myself in a life-threatening situation, disassociation is my only viable option."<br /><i>Contradiction? You lost me a bit here.</i><br /><br />Yeah. I communicated that poorly. I meant that my disassociation is not because I am detached from my inner workings, but rather due to the fact that it is the best and only viable choice in a life or death scenario. Panicking is useless at best, and detrimental at worst. So I shut off my emotions. I feel nothing in the moment.<br /><br />The trembling thing only happened once that I can remember, and it was I was a child. It was my first time rock climbing, and I decided like a moron that I was going to climb somewhere off-limits. It was a very steep, sheer rock face. I had to be talked through it, because I didn't have the skill to climb up from where I was-- but I *refused* to come down, because that would mean conceding defeat, and I wouldn't have it, even as a child. My leg was shaking up and down, and I remember staring at it in utter fascination, because I had steeled my mind for the task, and was thoroughly intrigued by the difference between my body's visceral reaction, and my mind's determination.<br /><br />I climbed up as a sheer act of will. And held everybody up for an hour in the process. Ha.<br /><br /><i>and some part of my brain becomes gorged on anticipatory glee -- will this be the day I die? Not that I want to die. More like, oh well, if it happens, the burning wonder of what may happen next will be thrilling to the end. </i><br /><br />Yea. I relate to that completely.Anoreply@blogger.com