I'm currently a point that a lot of my socio readers are when they write in to me. I am tired, bored, my life seems meaningless. For the past couple weeks I have only been going through the motions, using all of my will power to do the smallest things to sustain my career, my reputation, my relationships, my wealth, but I feel like it is all pointless, like trying to bail out the Titanic. Nothing seems sustainable to me right now. Everything seems like a potential liability or accident waiting to happen.It's disturbing to me how demanding my id is right now. I have no desire to maintain anything I've built, to continue living this particular role. But I know that at my age and station, I don't have many more do overs, if any at all. And I wonder this current situation warrants one. I think if I could just start playing a game or otherwise indulging some of my more basic needs, it will distract me from my ennui and disgust with life and I'll be able to keep things together.
Making things worse is that there is already a perfect target on the horizon, someone who could start falling into my hands today if I want. This person could ruin me. I don't remember the last time I felt so enticed by a person, but in all other respects this person could not be worse for me to target, not if I want to keep living roughly the same life that I have been living. So that is the issue. I need a game to amuse me, something to engage me in this life I have, but in order to maintain this life I can't target my most appealing opportunity.
Do you know who I now understand? I understand all those people who are married, maybe kids, some stable normal life and along comes some siren, some cad that they feel inexplicably drawn to. They're seduced. They fight the feelings for a while, they remind themselves of what it would mean to give into temptation, that it's not worth it. But while they are fighting so hard to keep their normal, stable life, they start to resent that life. They resent their spouse and their kids and everything that is keeping them from indulging in what they really want to do. So just at that moment when they need to be trying their hardest to keep what they have, they are valuing that life the lowest. This decreased opportunity cost makes taking the low road a fait accompli.
This is a horrible situation. I'm so disgusted right now. I feel like my "normal" life has made me too much of a eunuch, but also not enough of a eunuch that I am immune to destructive temptations. Socio readers with uncontrollable bloodlust, peadophiles, I feel your pain.
*Hugs* :(
ReplyDeleteMaybe you can find a way around it!
ReplyDeleteGo to a strip club already...
ReplyDeleteME, maybe it's vacation time. An adventurous one!
ReplyDeleteIt's called midlife crisis.
ReplyDeleteBuy a convertible.~
M.E. I will say you do see married people almost exactly the way I do.
ReplyDeleteMaybe in your upcoming spare time, and feeble attempts to not succumb to temptation, we can have a blog that's helpful. One that highlights tactics used to bond with the honorless.~
Has anyone been able to do it yet? What's the secret?
In my experience one is always happiest in times of change.. so do something radical, move to a new country, change career or something - when you throw out old trash you also free yourself, and new opportunities emerge.
ReplyDeleteGood idea, I agree. Or reveal yourself to your target as a preventive measure.
DeleteOr tell your mom :b
I love your honesty here. We all go through these phases, socio or not. Life get's boring sometimes. It's part of the deal. It's up to us to keep our lives interesting and exciting. And we all have temptation, everyone! It's part of being human.
DeleteI recently went through a similar experience. For several weeks I couldn't feel excited or passionate about anything.(low-grade depression I think. post holidays crash.) Dragging myself around like a robot.(but subtly aware of all the blessings in my life even though at the time I couldn't really 'feel it.' Then I woke up the other day and felt back to my normal, happy self. Happy with my life.(and rediscovered an old hobby that produces lots of adrenaline! Satisfies some of that risk behavior of mine.
Do something new you've never done. Something risky, but something that won't ruin your life. I like what other people have wrote. Move to a new country, travel, try a new sport that's intense! Your paving the way here ME to try something new! It doesn't have to be destructive. Nothing wrong with sex or a relationship. You don't have to ruin your life or anyone else's. Make this a win/win. It's a challenge. You love challenges!
I think he needs some immediate gratification, something constructive of course. Though, that might be something to consider in the future.
ReplyDeleteI've been in this slump for the past few months. My family, who thought I was 'perfect', took me to a psychiatrist. I told him everything including the fact that I feel no empathy and he pronounced me bipolar. hahahahaha
ReplyDeleteDid they give you meds? It may take a second opinion. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar but I don't take meds anymore and I’m good. I just have to exercise a lot.
ReplyDeleteI think this is exactly what happened with my narc/socio ex-husband. We were swingers, he had multiple playmates, but still got bored. His relationship with his Uber S new GF is pretty parallel to the relationship in Dexter with that hot brunette English chick he ended up killing because she tried to burn the kids up. She's more S than he is. I bet your "temptation" person is an Uber S like that. S/he probably sees YOU as a target. I would humbly suggest you play, but don't stay. Keep an upper hand if you can, but if the pull is that strong, the other S is probably going to win. As soon as my ex met his GF, I knew he would never be able to resist her. Her MO is to pull someone she feels is arrogant away from his family, then have a baby with him, then live off the next guy while forcing the babydaddy to pay her child support. She's done it twice so far, with my ex the heir apparent. A special challenge because he's had a vasectomy, which I bet you a million bucks she's working on him to reverse.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the sum of your life, ME? Are you stagnating?
ReplyDeleteYou're right. You don't have many do-overs, and it's very risky. But, if you don't go for it, down the line you'll probably do something far more foolish and destructive because you held back here.
It's up to you. Good Luck.
Go to a BDSM scene, there's plenty of subs there easily manipulated and dominated.
ReplyDeleteGo to amsterdam and do whatever you feel like.
Don't fear change, manipulate it to your will.
Those psychologists are douchebags! Why are they so fearful of telling you you're a sociopath? If you have every trait of sociopathy and they say you are bipolar? WTF.
ReplyDeleteMost are useless but some are good. They're hard to find though. If you have a history of drug abuse they'll assume you have mood swings and hence you're bipolar. That's what happened to me.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel you need help then don't stop searching for it. Just have to find someone you can really take too. Good luck.
Give in, ME.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, if there's anything people should follow it is impulse. Maybe your life needs a new path, and even so, it doesn't matter. Nothing actually "matters". Eventually we will die and any mark we left on this planet will also eventually perish.
You have one shot to do whatever you damned well please, so do it. I'm young, and I choose specific things to make life easier for a preferred future. But when I'm older, who gives a fuck?
I spent the last four months cleaning up the mess that my impulses left me in. All the while I was waiting for the door to come flying in and me to be taken away in bracelets.
ReplyDeleteMy impulses, however, are immediate. Instant. In a split second I was all in.
It made me contemplate me life. Is that what I want for the rest of my life: To stare at my front door waiting for the police or my enemies to come and put me down?
I decided going to school and making a business plan to be able to live a more sustainable and less risky life was in order. Especially since I'm getting married. I, for one, propose a trade. I want less risk and safety and you want danger and thrills. Let's trade places. Who knows I might even get you a promotion.
Did M.E. just nonchalantly express sentiment and empathy towards pedophiles? Shit, am I the only one who finds this tongue-in-cheek?
ReplyDeleteMaybe he fell in love with a little girl. Nasty fucking man.
ReplyDeleteYes, they gave me meds - an anti-psychotic. I took them as a sort of experiment, perhaps with a small hope that my 'problem' was simply a correctable chemical imbalance. They made me sleep for too many hours a day and made my natural temptations and urges much more difficult to manage. I started crossing the line too many times and got myself off the pills. However, I became very interested in psychiatry and I continue to see the doctor (whilst lying and saying I'm still on the pills) just to pick his brain.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't anyone else think M.E. is female?
ReplyDeleteshe's a hot female, go read her book
DeleteFinally someone understands me.
ReplyDeleteSocio readers with uncontrollable bloodlust, peadophiles
ReplyDeleteNot sympathy, per se, but noting a parallel to anyone who has to deny their desires and impulses, whatever they may be.
Clinton style.
He sounds depressed.
lol Medusa, and you wern't even trying :)
ReplyDeleteRelax guys, sociopaths have their slumps. Hope all is well M.E.
ReplyDeleteDid he cried?
ReplyDeleteMedusa, you're the type of person that you think you're smarter than.
ReplyDeleteProbably.
ReplyDeleteI am smarter than I am.
Hey guys decided to see how my minions are doing.
ReplyDeleteWv: amenylg
I feel more like I do now than I did a while ago.
ReplyDeleteTake on dark things with a noble cause or take on noble things with a dark one- one life, finite time but infinite permutations, just got to see them.
ReplyDeleteAnd it went straight out the window of perception. Homerun!
ReplyDeleteIs ME Post?
ReplyDeleteRomans Chapter 2 Verse 9 & 10.
ReplyDelete'Tribulation and anguish upon every soul of man that doeth evil, of the Jew first, and also of the Gentile;
But glory, honour,and peace, to every man that worketh good, to the Jew first, and also to the Gentile:'
fight the evil spirit and urge that is trying to take over your mind, M.E. read the Scripture, think good, seek good, do good...and you'll have less preoccupation with "bad feelings"
Alternatively go rape a kid.
ReplyDeleteEnergy goes where thought flows.
ReplyDelete(or so they say)
That's all well and good if you believe you can control where your thoughts go.
I find that I cannot.
^^^
ReplyDeleteyes it's hard. believe it or not, it's not a sociopathic thing. it's the nature of man. we wrestle not with flesh but with spiritual things. every urge originates in the mind, whether good or bad. but if you embrace the evil within, then what do you expect? you have to fight it, whatever "it" may be.
So, should I go and kill a few kids, manipulate and destroy a few people, in order to 'fight' my excessive empathy which I don't like having?
ReplyDeleteNo, Anon, thought not. We are what we are. Though you are well-meaning, I think you don't fully grasp the reality. You can't fight your nature, the most you can do is channel it in some way, and hope the rest of your impulses will remain sufficiently quiet enough to handle.
It's a constant struggle for people. I presume Anon, that you are neurotypical, and as one, you have the luxury of talking about these things in the way you do.
Embrace your evil. Jesus died, because he followed his father instead of ruling over earth with satan. Satan offered to Jesus the earth, but Jesus was too full of himself to take it. He wasn't worthy anyway, being the bastard son of some whore.
ReplyDeleteBefore you know it his father betrayed him and let him suffer, just like he betrayed Job, Moses, Joshua, and later Peter. He let him be taken by lower beings and humiliated before being nailed to a cross for all to see. Behold the gods have fallen.
'we wrestle not with flesh but with spiritual things.'
ReplyDeleteI disagree. We wrestle with the flesh, with our neurology, not with spiritual things. Please define for me these 'spiritual things.'
A psychopathic born-again christian, is still a psychopath, and the likelihood is that any salvation or redemption he is told he will recieve are simply words to cover up the deep cracks that remain. No doubt, the psychopath will find some outlet one way or another.
Extremes are by definition, virtually impossible to fundamentally change. If I am proven wrong, then i'll eat my words.
That pretty much sums up the story.
ReplyDeleteBTK=CHRISTIAN
ReplyDeleteNotMe
ReplyDeleteIs excessive empathy a bad thing? this blog talks about impulse alot. impulse is spontaneous. how can you be impulsive if you already know what you are about to do? it's our nature to make excuses that "we are who we are" when the reality is, deep down inside, when we are alone, we question everything about ourselves. we don't know who we are. but we know our actions. we know the consequences to our actions. we know our behavior patterns. what is so bad about about thinking good? what harm is there in love and compassion? why do we embrace evil, deciet, lies, murder, sexual deviance. do we not have enough murderers? do we not have enough pedophiles, rapists, cheats, wayward people? why do we hate God, why do we hate good?
your neurology NotMe is made up of tiny chemicals made up of particles made up of Atoms that we can not see. the very thing that holds this galaxy is gravity, and we can not see it. we can not see the spiritual but it is all around us, in your neruology, in your heart, in your mind, in your tongue by the words you say, in your deeds by your actions and behavior. good night.
ReplyDeletewe wrestle not with flesh but with spiritual things
ReplyDeleteTell that to my penis.
Excessive empathy can be very bad for the individual that doesn't know what to do with it, how to focus it. Even those that do know, empathy by definition means involuntarily taking on the energy of people around you, the positive and the negative. It's about being very thin-skinned - this is hardly an enviable thing. It's about many things that I won't go into here.
ReplyDelete'how can you be impulsive if you already know what you are about to do?'
You can recognise it before it happens, but it's hard to diffuse the strength of the impulse. People feel things at very different levels, and I don't believe that mere will-power is the catch-all solution that people claim it is. There are very strong urges, obsessions, starting in the brain and translating into action. Perhaps the part that may stand in between these two things simply doesn't function well in many people. (i feel like i'm stating the obvious here, but i am veeery tired).
Everyone is very different. There isn't a one-size fits all remedy. You are assuming love and compassion are valued by everyone. It's not the case.
Spirituality is another word for a certain type of emotionality, and yes, that is part of some people's neurology, but not everyones.
Fallacyo-Anon@9:00 -
ReplyDeleteTalk about your non-sequiturs! The existence of an unseen spiritual realm does not follow from our inability to see quarks and atoms and gravity (OH MY!) with the naked eye. Then again, unwarranted leaps in illogic are what religious faith is all about, no?
Besides which, although we may not be able to see an atom or gravity with the naked eye, we can infer their existence by the reliable and predictable effects they have in nature. The same thing cannot be said for "the spiritual".
Try again love.
The unseen factor in this discussion is the develop of the Witness. The ability to observe one's impulses and behavior is very human gift. A decision is made by impulse, a choice is made by mastery.
ReplyDelete“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still” Lao tzu
Yet well behaved souls rarely made history and much creative force is unleashed when humans follow their natures . . .
"Nature, who for the perfect maintenance of the laws of her general equilibrium, has sometimes need of vices and sometimes of virtues, inspires now this impulse, now that one, in accordance with what she requires." Marquis de Sade
"Most are useless but some are good. They're hard to find though. If you have a history of drug abuse they'll assume you have mood swings and hence you're bipolar. That's what happened to me. "
ReplyDeleteDrug abuse, mood swings, bipolar diagnosis...anyone ever consider maybe your Borderline? I was diagosed with bipolar but I believe Im borderline.
Moods, unstable relationships, addictive (drugs or other addictions) and meds tend to make me worse. Worth looking into.
And it sounds like M.E may be having a midlife crisis. Realistically, even socio's arent immune to one day waking up and looking around and thinking "if the 'game' is all there is...is it really worth it? whats the f*king point?"
my take on this is when an impulse has a target, the plan is already set in motion..you may have already passed the point of no return..my husband and i had a debate on this..he is the S..he says no, that you can find other, less harmful outlets..in my view, there are some situations in which the impulse is too strong, consequences can be justified..and be damned..id can be very loud and awfully demanding..i have no advice other than you may need to accept that there are consequences to doing what we feel rather than what we know may be the "correct" action...but the overall outcome can be quite freeing..sometimes id knows best..
ReplyDeletejustabadpenny says...dont do it, run a minor scam.... something risky but not damning..... keep it simple.... its never worth all out deconstruction if your over the age of 35.... just seems silly man.
ReplyDeleteanother thing.... is if it is an impulse because the other understands more than the current then by all means break the bottle and deal with the shards.
Why that theres depression!
ReplyDeleteSince this post was written three years ago, it would be interesting if ME were to write Part Two tomorrow recounting how her dilemma panned out.
ReplyDeleteI've reached that point numerous times in my life and I'm not a sociopath. I suspect it happens most of us.
Just thank Heaven that you're a High Functioning Sociopath.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you know you have too much to lose if you diavite
from the "straight and narrow" will help you stay there.
Are a few seconds of pleasure, a brief release from boredom worth a
possible jail sentence?
True enough, it's virtually impossible to convict a beautiful woman on
purely circumstancial evidence, but your reputation will only be
damaged firuther. Your "secret" will be indisbutibly uncovered.
You feel stratified. You want to take off your "outer clothing" and let
the REAL Rebecca out. You're weary of role playing. You want to relax
the facade. But you have to realize that there IS no real Rebecca.
"You" are comprised of a bunch of acquired faces.
Your "principles," accomplishments, and social surroundings SHOULD
be enough to keep you from falling as long as you avoid addictions.
You needn't go the Philp Seymour Hoffman route, but you ALSO
need a consciousness that you are loved and cared about. You might
not get this from this blog, because many sociopaths-even empaths-
are in the same boat as you.
I can only suggest that you reorinentate yourself towards a more
spiritual perception of things.
"Seek The Kingdom Of God, and all these things will be added on."
You can do it in an electic way, gathering up "spiritual nuggets" along the
way" or you can make contact with "The New Life Foundation" based
in Arizona.
You must employ the same degree of discipline that brought you this far
in life, and STAY with the teachings EVEN if they seem boring and
unappealing.
You will also eventually relate with others on your newly acquired
spiritual level and might decide to incorporate other changes in your
life and never feel like a "phoney" again.
Hey, i had a good friend named Becca who was a socio. She was awesome.
DeleteM.E., don't join any cults unless your going to lead one.
If the risk is that the person can ruin you, it's not worth it.
However you can always ponder it a long while in your head. If the risk is too much, play it safe. New targets will always come along.
My name is christabel Helm. My life has been sour since i became a cripple at the age of 13 and this has really affected my living. I meet mayor during the world cup 2010 when i was 24 years old and he was a very funny and caring guy who taught me how important i am to world. He made me understands been crippled is not the end of the world for me and i was very happy having him as my companion. mayor was a very hardworking guy and he promise to marry me before he left for business trip in germany. Two months later he arrived from germany and never visited me. I was told by my brother that mayor is now going out with my friend and this really broke me down cos he is the only one that truly loves me. No one wants to go out with me because i am a cripple. I and my brother traveled to South Africa to watch akon live performance in senegal when i heard about temple of permanent healing. I never believe in Gods because i am a cripple and i believe that no one can ever make me walk again but when i heard about his great power, i decided to go there. I begged my brother to take me to temple of permanent healing. I spent 7 days in his healing center and it surprises me that on the 7th day, i was able to stand and walk. The priest told me that mayor was under a spell and he prayed for me to destroy every obstacle in my life. I came back home and i was shocked to see mayor. He came and begged me for forgiveness, our relationship came back normal. I am very happy to inform the general public that i and mayor are happily married since October last year and i am pregnant. I know that people might be passing through any problem and i will advise you to contact temple of permanent healing because his miracle is free.email him on drorriwo@gmail.com,thanks once again doctor...am christabel
ReplyDeleteHUH?
DeleteIf I didn't know any different, I would think this post was written by a recovering addict on the verge of relapse. But do I really know any different? Is this blog, book, and story really true? Have you gotten as high as you can get from this persona? Do you need something stronger? Check yourself into rehab.
ReplyDeleteMelissaR
Ecclesiates. "Everything is meaningless"
ReplyDeleteEverything is temporary.
Deletelife 's an exercise in futility
DeleteUnrelated, but I thought you'd be interested, MachEmp: http://www.psychopathysociety.org/images/hare%20commentary%20on%20ronson%20april%2017%202012.pdf
Deletehttp://sexoffenderissues.blogspot.be/
ReplyDelete^^^makes me smile
DeleteDo cold folks really have issues with meaningless lives? Some rich people (one can suspect are hollow) tend to self-destruct at the top: eating themselves to death or behaving like degenerate junkies in posh environments. Maybe they "tire"? Maybe lacking spiritual qualities is fatal in the end, nothing really remains even if the living-room is filled with expensive furniture..
ReplyDeleteWe all, socio or empath or whatever, go through a period in our lives where we feel bored and like everything is meaningless. I, myself, went through it last year. The outcome was not a good one. But I lived. Maybe, ME, is time for a break. Maybe what you need is to go outside, take a deep breath and remember yourself of who you are. I live my life pretending. Living in the shadows. No one knows me, per se, they just think they do. And it can be a lonely road. But once I take a break and a deep breath, I go back to whatever game I'm playing, whatever lie I'm telling, whatever plan I may have. I understand what you are saying, what you are felling. I'm kind of bored with my life right now, too. And when I'm bored usually bad things happen. But this time I am making a enormous effort not to go through the same path as I once did. Just breath. And choose wisely. Whatever you choose, remember yourself that if we want something to stand we have to risk letting it fall. And if we want it to fall, well, then we just walk away. Hang in there. ;)
ReplyDeleteI like this perspective. Because I feel myself get into ruts too. And I'm as empath as they come.
DeleteIt makes me wonder- could ME just be having a midlife crisis?
I don't know if a midlife crisis would be it. I am in my 20's and I feel trapped all the time. Stuck in a place I don't want to be. Get bored easily. I don't know if I am a Socio, but the truth is that I do not connect. I do not empathize. I have a lot of trades of sociopathy. I guess that we all have 'mental break downs' sometimes and don't know where to go from where we stand.
DeleteSometimes we just need a change of perspective.
M. Scott Peck says a funny thing- that the more identity crises you can cram into your life the better your mental health. I think it has to do with meeting your cognitive dissonance head on instead of running from it. It's the path to wisdom. Maybe your 20's crisis is simply a sign of being wise beyond your years and seeing through the bullshit sooner.
DeleteMaybe. :) I truly believe that thinking about everything that there is and is not, keeps us grounded. I never take bullshit from anyone. I always question everything and don't take any answer for granted. Maybe that's what s wrong with the world today. Taking things for granted. The problem is that everyone wants a magical solution for their problems, yet everyone refuses to believe in magic. So everyone should just have an identity crisis more often and stop blaming everything on the universe.
DeleteI think people are missing the fact that this is a recycled post, written in 2011. Are we meant to assume that it's being reused because it reflects what's going on in ME's life at present? It's not clear...
ReplyDeleteIn any event, the healthiest - but not the most lucrative way - to live is to take the wrecking ball to our lives at regular intervals. ME is not married, no kids, she's free to hit the road. It is, however, more comfortable in the long term to hunker down and let the restlessness pass.
Why do you say it is the healthiest to take a wrecking ball? I guess from a Buddhist non attachment perspective it kind of makes sense- at least in a "live every day as if a wrecking ball could come tomorrow"- but I wonder if there's a less destructive way to periodically reinvent yourself.
DeleteReinventing yourself strikes me as a way to stay engaged and optimistic with life (that is full of drudgery). The other major way to stay engaged appears to fall in love/lust with someone.
Wait... this is recycled? WTH?
DeleteI suppose this post was written before the book. Maybe the book was a result of ME's risk seeking.
What if it is an old post? We all have times in our lives when we go back to a place we once were at and feel exactly the same way we did. Maybe that's what is going on with ME. Or maybe she just wanted to revisit the past. Whatever it is, we only read the blog because we want to.
Delete@ Mach
Delete"Why do you say it is the healthiest to take a wrecking ball?"
Maybe 'healthiest' isn't the best choice of word. Healthiest for me because I've never figured out another way. It's kind of like an animal chewing off its paw to escape a trap. I almost cried yesterday when I read ME's post because I had never seen anyone describe my experience so closely - and like yourself I'm empath all the way. I then realised the post was three years old but it doesn't really matter because this is something that comes up again and again. Perhaps I have a self-destructive streak but in my mind I have no other choice. I used to think I'd rather be poor than bored but lately I wonder if I will end up poor and bored. And yes, falling in love brings wonderful relief.
By the way, it was me who suggested yesterday that you could write a book. I must give myself a handle so I can better bob in the sea of Anonymous voices.
GoneGirl
Its like coming home from war. All the adrenaline highs are over, you just don't know what to do anymore. You can seek adrenaline rushes by various means, yet that doesn't end up suffice..
ReplyDeleteCivilian life is too normal and boring...
Because sitting in the trenches in mud is just so darned exciting.
DeleteObviously i'm referring to Complex PTSD involving those engaged in combat with the enemy. Not no routine peacekeeping pogs.
Deleteanother way is to figure out an artistic or athletic pursuit that induces the sense of euphoria that comes from accessing a state of flow.
DeleteIn truth I was able to beat away the ennui by changing career paths. Which technically would be the third career now. I am also at the point where a do-over is not advisable, which is a little disheartening. Yet also strangely stimulating, though not enough.
ReplyDeleteSo many years of work can fall away, because you don't care. It's less about the career and more to its after-effects - how do you survive and live afterwards?
As a suggestion, which will help at least for a while, is to get into an engaging hobby. An activity that is challenging and risky (albeit controllable). Preferably something modestly violent, such as martial arts. It is something with a mastery curve that not only provides an outlet, but also a venue to express power and control in a visceral yet contained environment. Also has the side benefit of enhancing your self-defensive capabilities. It is a safe place to be the predator.
i wrote my comment in the wrong section and don't have time to re-write it. It's up towards the top, didn't realize this was an old post.
ReplyDeleteThe library of metaphor is full of this-emotion described as 'you got me' 'you own my heart' 'soul mate' 'only with you am I complete'. Thing is we on the spectrum are not accustomed to this, empathy is something that creeps us out due to our unfamiliarity with it. By default it becomes about dominance-to surrender to someone in an intimate sense feels like a defeat and provokes a rage, the fear of being bottled up, confined-which plays into my fear of being photographed (Take Adam Lanza, very few photographs of him have surfaced, as though the edges of the photograph would cause him real physical discomfort.), or why some characters leave such feint footprints as they pass thru the grocery store of humanity.
ReplyDeleteYou speak of your id. Tell me about your super ego.
ReplyDeleteMy super ego? Awol I am afraid.
DeleteI know you have discussed drugs before and rejected them as a treatment, but it might be worth looking into if the alternative is self destruction. LSD is a good one, it kills boredom and it's not addictive. If you take it in small doses you will be able to function normally.
ReplyDeleteDrugs have side effects and are of limited interest to high-functioning sociopaths. Besides this isn't typical boredom, it's ennui. It needs to be engaging and interesting for a longer term.
DeleteSince much of your time is spent at work, the work needs to be more interesting. Depending on flexibility, can you move sideways on your career track without hurting future prospects? How about taking a more commanding role?
Ugh, I hate this situation. I've had to pass up so many people I could manipulate because, as easy as it would be, I know that I'd end up revealing myself, if not to them then to someone in their life.
ReplyDeleteAs a suggestion, try yugioh free on dueling network. It is a mind game largely, as you have to plan out what you want to happen with your cards before the game even begins. Then, during the game, it is largely a mind game if you and your opponent's decks are equally matched. It is... intoxicating when that happens. I've used it for years now to keep my sociopathic tendencies at bay.
_________________________
_L_
Total B.S……………..who wrote these stuff??? An intoxicated person!
ReplyDeleteMeditate.
ReplyDeleteThis cannot be true: hollow folks are never ever AGAINST anything? They may not care about most things normal folks get all misty eyed about, true, but "anything goes"-people more likely are psychotic individuals? Some cold people I imagine hate red wallpaper or dislike when old relatives tell them longwinding stories without point or end?
ReplyDeleteIt's important for people to understand that sociopaths can like/dislike things. We can understand what is appropriate and what is not - we are fully cognizant of it. It's just a matter of whether or not 1) we care, or 2) whether it negatively impacts something else we like/want. This is of particular importance to high-functioning sociopaths, where #2 carries enough weight to potentially inhibit actions. Things like prison.
DeleteThe example I gave about drugs was based on cost-benefit analysis. The costs (side effects, loss of control, effort to acquire) outweigh the benefits (the trip is short-term, unreliable, and ultimately not real). Drugs are, in a word, cheap, hollow, and too easy. They aren't substantive enough, not for high-functioning sociopaths.
Hello ME. You need a challenging exciting adventure. Like tale up motocross or snowboarding or go to Kathmandu with a Sherpa and hike in the Himalayan mountains
ReplyDeletealong those lines, colleem- I wonder how she'd do on a reality TV show like survivor. It might be an interesting platform to show everyone that sociopaths can be very "normal" and quite likable.
ReplyDeleteThat's funny! I never thought people on reality tv were normal and the last time I watched Survivor I thought it would be a place for sociopaths to excel. I think in the end no one liked each other!
DeleteMelissaR
How much do participants get paid for Survivor? Why would anyone forfeit their anonymity unless they're getting shedloads of cash, which I doubt they do.
DeleteM.E
ReplyDeleteI don't want to say trite words but your post brought tears to my eyes, You are someone who as fought and fought to be where you are and who you are. I have admired that a great deal and you. Just want you to know that I am always on your side,
Love,
Themes
I want to use this opportunity to thank Dr. Olokum for helping me get my lover back after he left me few months ago. I have sent friends and my brothers to beg him for me but he refused that it is all over between both of us but when I met this Dr. Olokum he told me to relaxed that every thing will be fine and really after just a week I got my man back. so thank you so much Olokum. here is the email and phone number of Dr. Olokum LAVEDERLOVESPELL@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI have been wondering lately how common it is for socios to commit (or at least contemplate) suicide. I am a socio and I certainly have contemplated it when I feel low. But when I read about it it strikes me that the reasons and though process is largely different from when empaths commit/contemplate suicide.
ReplyDelete1.I am not afraid of death at all, only suffering. Many empaths seems more afraid of death than suffering.
2. I have no interest in so called "suicide gesture" which seems common among depressed empaths. What is the point in that ? I either want to be dead or healthy. Seems very self destructive hurting yourself.
3. If I ever would decide to commit suicide there would be no way anyone could stop me. For depressed empaths it seem to be common for them to "deep inside " want to be "saved".
For me it is simply one of many options and the fact that this option exists gives me comfort because I know if things get really bad there is a way out. No big deal really. We will all die and when you are dead nothing really matters anymore, contrary to the self-important empathic beliefs ...
Well, I believe that you may be on to something.
DeleteFor instants, I have a lot of sociopathic trades. I have attempted suicide. Only I noticed that all the reasons that I had, were slightly different from everyone else's. I rationalized it very well. (Well, I could rationalize genocide if I had to) and no one seemed to understand my reasons, because they weren't emotional ones. For me it was an option in the mist of all other options. I wasn't trying to get attention, I wasn't trying to be saved. I was merely realizing that if I was not contributing for anything, than there was no point in me living. I have a lot of destructive behavior.
The thing is I looked at it like a scientific experience. I don't know if I am a socio. One thing I know is that I am not an empath either.
So I believe that the reasons may be different. Or at least the way we rationalize it. But at the end the self preservation instinct kicks of. I know that even though I do not enjoy living, I will not think of suicide as a solution for a while. Even though it is always in the back of my mind as a safety hatch or a panic button.
I enjoyed your posts for about a month now. They are very interesting. You've talked quite a bit of some advantages of being a sociopath but here there seems to be a decided advantage to being a neuro-typical. The kind of existential ennui, nihilistic nausea, seems to me to be more likely to happen in sociopaths or perhaps to people with that kind of profile. That's just a speculation and I wish I could find findings that confirm or falsify this.
ReplyDeleteI've known someone, though I believe not fully a sociopath, displays many of the characteristics of one (superficial charm, lack of social anxiety and fear, thrill seeking, etc). I remember once I was talking with him about his upcoming BD party. He wanted to be spectacular of course. But he said something a little scary. He said that (though half joking I suspect) if something major doesn't happen now in his life, he'll kill himself. What he meant was that he wanted a minor miracle to happen before he turned 34 so that he'd be ultra rich and live the lifestyle of a rockstar.
I remember feeling very sorry for him for I realized that though he had a lot (he's actually a successful criminal) he constantly is comparing his life with those who live what he considers a more worthy life and this must cause a tremendous grief for him. He knows that his girlfriend isn't a perfect 10 and he doesn't have dozens of girlfriends like some people. He knows that there are people living more exciting, glamorous and envied lives. Those who had more money, women and power than he did and this was crushing for him. I felt it in him though he was half joking.
I suspect that because of his egotism (he's actually usually a warm and considerate individual when it comes to people he knows) his life is focused on himself and his experiences are primary.
But for many people things like truth and justice matter more than the self. I suspect it is harder for a sociopath to live for something greater, something transcendent because the sociopath might devalue things like justice morality and truth instead placing greater value on personal pleasure etc. Even the way you described your faith seems to be based on personal gain (a kind of Pascal's wager).
All of us has moments of despair but for me, I feel it in my bones that because of the principles I live by, I can go on even if I don't have the best of everything. I can face life and live it with a kind of conviction and don't need to keep looking for new and sensational experiences; I just need to develop myself to the best that I could all for a greater cause. In other words, By these principles that I define myself, I can face life the way a martyr faces death, because I'm living for something else bigger than me. Some people live life not so they satisfy all their desires but so that they deserve to have their desires satisfied. Others live to satisfy all their desires but this becomes an endless wheel of Ixion, the more the desire-satisfaction cycle turns, the more you get burned.
Granted it may be true that there are no such things as truth or justice (or a transcendent god) to redeem life's ultimate value in the face of failure to obtain the good things in life. But I think Nietzsche had something interesting to say here. He also didn't believe that objectively life had any value. But he also believed that some people can reevaluate all values and project their own created onto the world and live life completely without any doubts. He says this is a kind of self deception but the noblest of all deceptions. They live life as if there's something greater to be lived outside of themselves with all the faith and passion of a religious fanatic without any of the religious/moral baggage. Such a life is indeed worth living. It is the most beautiful life possible for Nietzsche because it is such a heroic and courageous life it goes on in the face of an abyss. I can sympathize with this view but my values are still decidedly moral and not aesthetic.
I think it would be best not to deviate from your facade for now. When I'm in a period of restlessness, I try not to make any important decisions. Wait until you are feeling more secure of your motivation, and then decide if you want to go after your prospective target.
ReplyDeleteI know what you're saying there. I'm not like you but I've been through some catastrophic blow-outs in my life. I know what it's like to pass a point of caring, sort of like going back to me against the world and fuck off world. It's a hiving retrograde child nature still inside still ready to throw those toys out, but like...in a way they haven't seen before, that plumbs it deeper than anyone thought things would go.
ReplyDeleteIt's self destruction m.e. Looking back I think - wish - some of those times I'd held on, and instead gone to new level upward and out foxed all of them with charm and blew their minds in some way that gave everything a new lease of life. I could have done that, I think. I've got it in me. But that hiving...that fuck the world...it's hard to stop once the ball is rolling because it's happened before so there's a template somewhere in side. All the rationalizations and mad excuses and reasoning are reading and waiting. They're trained and focused, those templates. They know how to assemble double fast. They run ahead of the other ones that would need me to dig deeper into myself..that would need me to do something different, and this time come through triumphantly.
Take it or leave I guess, but I'm recommending have a go that other way. I obviously don't know how bad things are or what the drivers are. Maybe you've come out to too many people. Maybe the euphoria of the book and the accommodating personas in the publishing house, so accepting, so treating you totally normal. Maybe it felt like a way that things could be, and maybe in the end the deeper truth is, the visual was something you wanted much more than anyone might have thought. Maybe you told too many people, or the wrong people. Maybe you're getting some blow back from that. Or maybe you're just paranoid things are being driven by people knowing when maybe they actually don't.
I don't like you that much, but I know the place you're in maybe. Try digging deep. Manufacturing a major personal crisis that brings out your vulnerability, and in the process reveals a dark secret from childhood, in turn translating through the problematic relationships in a risky but ultimate cathartic way. That can work out pretty good if you've what it takes. Which you have.
Try that you shameless hussy. I've done that one for me a couple of times or in the them of that.
And you know what. I'm wishing you luck.
I've come to a similar cross roads with an intimate partner of mine. I had to over come and slowly charm my way into her circle of trust but now that i am there it's boring me. She has nothing to offer me now. The challenge has been a victory. She's a good perosn and I know that she cares for me. So what do I do now? Kept up the facade that I'm a caring person? Which is a game within its self to say the least. I don't want or need her money. Companionship is available anywhere but by all means of the word she is a good person and perfect individual to project that I am a normal person but the tought of that bores me tears.
ReplyDeletewho ever is reading this testimony today should please celebrate with me and my family because it all started like a joke to some people and others said it was impossible. my name is Michael i live in Chicago i am happily married with two kids and a lovely wife something terrible happen to my family along the line, i lost my job and my wife packed out of my house because i was unable to take care of her and my kids at that particular time. i manage all through five years, no wife to support me to take care of the children and there come a faithful day that i will never forget in my life i met an old friend who i explain all my difficulties to, and he took me to a spell caster and and the name of the temple is called, DR Okundonor, i was assure that everything will be fine and my wife will come back to me after the wonderful work of Dr Okundonorgreatspell, my wife came back to me and today i am one of the richest man in my country. i advice you if you have any problem email him with this email: dr.okundonorgreatspell@gmail.com and you will have the best result. take things for granted and it will be take from you. i wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteContact:( dr.okundonorgreatspell@gmail.com), or call he with this phone number, +2348137828640
MY MAN OF FOUR YEARS START CHEATING ON ME HE DON'T USE TO CALL ME, HE ALWAYS GOING OUT WITH OTHER GIRLS ANY TIME I CALLED HIM HE BOUNCE MY CALLS. I WAS SO WORRIED BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND WE ALREADY PLAN FOR MARRIAGE AND I TRIED ALL I CAN TO MAKE SURE THAT HE COME TO HIS NORMAL SENSES BUT NOTHING WORKED OUT. THINGS WAS GETTING WOST A FRIEND TOLD ME TO CONTACT DR EMUA. THAT HE CAN HELP ME IN THIS SITUATION, AND I WAS A GIRL WHO DOSE NOT BELIEVE ON SPELL, SO THE LAST TIME I CALLED MY MAN HE PICKED MY CALL, ALL I COULD HEAR FROM HIM WAS THAT HE HAS GOT ANOTHER GIRL IN SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP I WAS SO CONFUSE AND I CALLED MY FRIEND (TRACY) AND TOLD HER WHAT I JUST HAD FROM MY MAN. SHE STILL REMIND ME OF DR EMUA, THAT IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HELP ME SOLVED MY PROBLEM BY BRINGING MY MAN BACK TO ME. SO THERE WAS NO OPTION FOR ME I TOLD HER TO SEND ME HIS EMAIL. THAT WAS HOW I CONTACT DR EMUA FOR HELP. DR EMUA ONLY TOLD ME THAT MY MAN WILL COME BACK IN THREE DAYS TIME AFTER CASTING THE SPELL HE TOLD ME MY MAN IS COMING TO ME IN THREE DAYS TIME . AFTER TWO DAYS THE NEXT MORNING MAKING IT THIRD DAYS MY MAN TRULY CAME BACK TO ME AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS, AND I ACCEPT ALL HIS APOLOGIES BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AFTER THREE WEEKS WE GOT MARRIED, WE ARE NOW LIVING TOGETHER . I
ReplyDeleteTHANK DR EMUA FOR ALL HE HAS DONE IN My LIFE GOD WILL CONTINUOUSLY GIVE HIM THE POWER OF HELPING PEOPLE. YOU
CAN ALSO CONTACT HIM FOR HELP VIA HIS EMAILS dremuahelphome@outlook.com OR dremuahelphome@gmail.com. I PRAY THIS MY TESTIMONY BRING PEACE,LOVE AND UNITY TO THOSE BROKEN HOMES AND RELATIONSHIP.