Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Sociopath = pet monster?

A reader relates why she wants to win back her sociopath ex, and asks how:
Looking back I realize in the beginning he was so attentive and "caring" He swept me off my feet with a broom of charm. I don't quite understand him b/c he would go out of his way to help me and he was even trusted by his family mysteriously to take care of his nephew. He was like my soulmate at first, he showed total romance and after awhile we started fighting. My ex made a point to let me know my flaws when we parted ways. The very same flaws my father always nit picked at me for. How strange? Very. It seems like he was quite like my father, he had this way about him that made me feel loved, safe, warm, the same way I felt around my father as a kid. My ex was strangely kind. He admitted he felt nothing at times but he told me he loved me. When we broke up the first time he threw a childlike tantrum childishly accusing my friends of ruining his chances of getting me back. He wanted to fight my male friend who is diagnosed a sociopath, but they had no clue that they were both sociopath. Ah the beautiful irony! They never did fight though. But he swears he hates him still. (I don't doubt it). Why is dating a sociopath like having a pet monster? I need answers! I want him back a year later I find myself wanting more. He's quite addictive. I read in one of your post on sociopathic love that they can become your soulmate and I realize he did just that and with me still waters run deep applies. There are many sides of me I think I discovered through him. I just want him back what should I do?
My response:
Have you ever been to a zoo during feeding time? Some animals are very willing to eat out of a trough like any domesticated animal would, fattening up for the slaughter. Other animals have to be fed in a way that simulates how they would eat in the wild, whether through scavenging or hunting. Sociopaths are like that. They don't like to be spoonfed, so to speak. They would rather starve. This instinct possibly reflects an evolutionary wariness and fear of traps -- if the prey seems too easy, the sociopath will naturally believe that he is being set up; he will not even want to eat, the same way you may be wary of overaggressive salesmen or food that smells off. What does this mean for you? Take a lesson from the zookeepers and figure out how to simulate a plausible hunting/scavenging scenario (whichever your particular sociopath seems to prefer) in which you are the target. How did he first get you? Try to tap into that person you were, try to replicate the feeling of the hunt for him. How you go about doing that will be very context specific to your sociopath, but it is theoretically possible.

Pet predators are like this too, aren't they? Like snakes? I guess that would make sociopaths pet monsters.

14 comments:

  1. Because he has never been diagnosed, we can't be sure that m.e. is a clinical psychopath but he is certainly an unpleasant little shit either way. In this post m.e. once again puts his own need for masturbation ahead of providing his 'reader' with genuine/sincere advice.
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  2. my advice to her...
    1) never tell ANYONE, ANYONE, your fears...they (sociopath or not) WILL make them your reality...YOUR REALITY.
    2) put your s on the back burner for a year and figure out what makes YOU happy
    3) realize that you can have great sex with people who aren't going fill your life with misery and drama
    4) also, realize, happiness is a choice. either choose it or stop bitching about being unhappy because of "what someone did".
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  3. I find it interesting why someone would want to re-establish a relationship with a S who had previously ended it. Granted the S provided a sense of "love, safety, and warmth" but he was only projecting your needs back on you. For a time he was willing to do this because his needs or motivations were being met by you but they had nothing to do with feelings of love towards you. Eventually he became bored and was no longer willing to keep up the act.

    I wonder if the e-mailer had great financial means and could buy whatever they wanted would also be willing to hire an actor to play the role of their boyfriend, assuming he could provide you the same sense of happiness or feelings your S did, even though they knew his motivations had nothing to do with love or any real emotions towards them.

    If you follow M.E. advice then you will be forced into a role in order to get the responses you want from your S, but how long can you keep that up and is it worth it? Are you willing to be someone you really aren't to keep your S happy? Doesn't seem worth it.
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  4. Dear Reader,

    You're probably a Narcissist and fell for the conjured ideals you long for finally being presented in the most ideal package of your dreams. It wasn't real then and it's still not real. Go see a therapist. Stop chasing windmills.

    Stay Sweet BFF,

    Sarah
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  5. "Because he has never been diagnosed, we can't be sure that m.e. is a clinical psychopath...m.e. once again puts his own need for masturbation ahead of providing his 'reader' with genuine/sincere advice."

    If he is a "clinical psychopath," this should be exactly what you ought to expect from him.

    In any case, the existence of people like the reader only demonstrates that natural selection is alive and kicking.
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  6. Stopped reading at:

    " . . . swept me off my feet with a broom of charm."

    Can we arrange for her to be beaten with a 'broom of shame' for writing this.
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  7. Reverse engineer your personality and image so that you can figure out what you'd need to think or feel in order to act in a way that would get you what you ultimately want. Then pretend you think or feel that way, and do what you need to do. That will give him something to "hunt," and depending on how much "noise" you throw in, it'll keep him from realizing he's being led. Over time you can use this method to make subtle changes to your image and perceived personality, to make yourself more desirable or open up options for later plans.

    Most importantly, attain what he wants. Let him find out about it using the method described above. Don't be obvious. Remember, you are to give the impression of a living, breathing person, with genuine feelings driving your behavior.

    A) Decide what you want.

    B)
    Decide what you'd have to do to get it.
    Decide what you'd have to feel to do that.

    (repeat and refine until satisfied, no particular order. as you advance it's best to explore feelings that make sense given your image first, then explore the possibilities they present)

    C) Adopt those thoughts and feelings as if they were 100% genuine. Your image is paramount. Accept losses if it means maintaining your image, unless what you'd lose would be absolutely critical. This is the most important part.

    D) Repeat. Refine as situations permit.

    I don't think you'd be capable of this, but there it is.
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  8. Oh, and please get back to us with how it all works out. Not useless status updates like, "OH I'm still trying, but blah blah blah." Just your experience of decided success or failure, in graphic detail.
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  9. Peter Pan.

    You have pretty much just described the workings of a sociopath.

    Funny dat.
    ReplyDelete
  10. People have done crazier things for love: http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/2010/02/08/plastic-surgery-to-look-like-jessica-alba/
    ReplyDelete
  11. Anyone who wants their sociopath back needs a therapist, not a strategy.
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  12. I don't think you should ever grovel towards a sociopath over your lost love.... just date someone better and rub it in his face. If you want to get over him, focus on all the bad memories and pain he caused you and don't idealize your lost love. Just upgrade yourself and find someone else. It's not worth it.

    Also, I think the pet monster analogy is really lame. I think what m.e. is trying to say, is become more of a challenge rather than moping about your ex, because if you act desperate he will know that he can have you back whenever he wants and that is too boring. Sociopath or not, ex or otherwise, no guy will pursue you if he thinks all the work has been done for him already.
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  13. He's quite addictive. I read in one of your post on sociopathic love that they can become your soulmate and I realize he did just that and with me still waters run deep applies. There are many sides of me I think I discovered through him.

    forget those. be yourself. when you run into him treat him like your best girlfriend that you haven't seen in ages. except lots more eye contact, because you're totally excited to see him, see? then pry yourself away and keep going because as much as you would love to keep talking you're very busy and have exciting places to go. if there is any hint of need or desperation on your part it won't work. if you can pull it off and it works out, remember soulmates need space. it's not all about you.
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  14. Father DearestFeb 25, 2010 10:06 AM
    "He's quite addictive".

    My girlfriend often uses the drug analogy on me; the cliche of "I wish I could quit being with you, I wish I could just go clean.." etc.
    Interesting concept.
    ReplyDelete

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