Friday, February 19, 2010

"Don'ts" list for dealing with sociopaths

A reader asked for help in dealing with the domineering, allegedly sociopathic mother of his child, how to counteract her behavior, and how to keep his child out from under her dictatorial boot:
There are definitely things you can do to counteract her behavior, although there is a very real chance that you will just end up winning the battles but never the war. Maybe you're fine with that. The issue is that any counteraction measures would be very context specific -- sociopath specific -- and there are certain very effective counteraction measures I can suggest that you might not be good at or might not want to do because you're not that type of person (e.g. evil). It's tricky. I think the only general advice I can give is more about things to never do, because the only thing worse than not gaining ground is losing ground, non?

Things to never do:

1. Accusations. Sociopaths never respond well to accusations, it will always turn into a knockdown fight in which you will be bloodied much more than they ever will be.

2. Recriminations. (see accusations, above).

3. Emotions. Sociopaths generally don't want to hear about how what you feel if what you feel is negative towards them. If you are in anything remotely like a fight, accusation, or recrimination, do not under any circumstances get emotional. The limited exception, as another reader has pointed out, is when the sociopath is feeling wronged by you, is hurt, etc., in which you should show exactly the amount of normal empathy you would show an empath under those circumstances (more on that in another post).

4. Ultimatum or any other power plays. Sociopaths see ultimatums, artificial pressure (e.g. emotional pressure), power plays, etc. as being either threats or games. I don't think you will like the result of either approach.

5. Talk about being "right" or "wrong." Sociopaths don't really believe there is such thing as being right or wrong, there is only more or less powerful.

Don't worry about her hurting your child, she will probably want to alienate him/her from you more than she will want to have him/her trauma bond to you by her inflicting trauma on him. Your child is half her, so will probably grow up disrespecting you too, if you can't hold your own against your partner. If you want what is best for your child, you will get your crap together and become the type of person that demands respect by your very presence, your very being.

23 comments:

  1. Impressive advice.
    I like this post, like alot.
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  2. Hits very close to home. Great post.
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  3. would also add, pill-vasectomy-condom or other method of birth control, until you are certain you can maintain a civil relationship with your partner for at the very least 18 years, but more likely a lifetime.
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  4. Those are some superb pairs of tits on those women by the way m.e lol.

    Anyway, men often get a bad wrap when it comes to separation, especially when children are involved. A good father shouldn't be denied his child, no matter how much of a twat he was to the mother. Its irrelevant when it comes to his "parenting skills". However on the flip side its often easier for a guy to blame a woman for being a bit of a "nutter", when the father consistantly fails to show for visitations or comes empty handed when the child needs new shoes because he spent his money on a few wild nights on the beer? Or maybe he is off fathering other children that he shows more interest in?,...maybe even dabbles in recreational drugs. Who knows hey?

    If this guy is paying for the upkeep of his child, being there if the child falls sick and generally having a consistant hands on role, then his ex is probably just being an arkward bitch and using the child to punish him. If not, then its his own fault. Why should he be allowed to continually disappoint his child? I suppose any mother who felt her child was being set up for a continuous fall would just want to cut off the source of aggravation?

    There is often more to it then the usual, "i can't see the child".
    Whats the reason? There usually is one. Does this guy have a different partner every other month and the mother doesn't want her child to be unsettled by having to adjust to random strangers? Maybe the guy associates with undesirables? Does the guy come round every so often for a bit of sex from the childs mother, then drops her like a hot brick after? lol. Who knows?
    Maybe the mother has taken on the lions share of the responsibility and doesn't feel the guy has actually done enough to warrant being a "father"?.

    Or maybe she is just a sociopath?
    If so God help you lol

    Guys save yourself this hassle and put a helmet on your soldier.

    Tink ;)
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  5. m.e. masturbates another post out, repeating a theme for at least the tenth time. He spends so much time wanking on his blog does he get time for anything else?
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  6. Anon @ 948..

    I find it interesting that you accuse m.e. of "masturbating' out a recurring theme yet you are a visitor for at least the 10th time.

    Try harder next time.
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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.
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  8. Sitting there and doing nothing is what someone who is scared does when he is hoping nothing will happen so he can then later pretend to himself that he was sitting there murderously.
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  9. So Pan, apart from revealing you sat there while your laundry was raped in front of you, you also reveal yourself to be so potless you need to go a public laundry!
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  10. And fishing is something that morons do. So is trading stocks. So is... well, just about everything. Morons have sex. Morons obstain. Morons post anonymous comments. Morons eat food, too. Do you eat food, ol' buddy? What's your favorite kind? I bet morons eat it.
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  11. And uhh... making him step off isn't exactly doing nothing. Guy was 3x my size, and he stopped after his second try, stepped back, and tried to tell me that people like me wind up in prison or mental institutions. Seems to me like I accomplished my goal, brodda.
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  12. Actually, looking back, I think I misunderstood you. Yeah, I was afraid to fight this guy. I don't like fighting. But rage overpowers that, and I wasn't about to let him take my things. Honestly, the outcome of the fight didn't even cross my mind. I didn't even notice how big he was 'til the shit had calmed down. If he tried something, I would've reacted as decidedly as I could have. Fueled by fear? Well, yeah, on many levels. Cowardly? Quite the opposite.

    You don't have to be fearless to stand your ground, and you don't have to put yourself in unnecessary danger to stick up for yourself. That's called being a fool.
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  13. Pan, so let me get this straight. You're a physically small, financially struggling, man who sat there while some punk raped your laundry and told you that you should be in a nuthouse. Then afterward you tell yourself you played it cool and that was the only reason he didn't pull a pair of your underpants over your head and stick a sock in your mouth?
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  15. LOL @ pan and anonymous.
    Great comedy!
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  16. I have learned a few useful things from this blog for dealing with sociopaths.. this all seems very basic to me, though. I think the best way to deal with a sociopath is to make them think they're winning while still getting what you want. you may have to compromise a bit though, because you are never going to be able to bully a sociopath into submission--they are very willful. they're really like children, so their needs are simple. sociopaths are very chameleon-like also, so try to compliment them on what you what to see, like if you want them to be more considerate, comment on how considerate they have been lately and thank them, even if that isn't really true. this shows them positively what you want in their behavior and also gives some kind of unexpected positive reinforcement. this works on "normal" people too, it helps create an image that they want to live up to for you.

    Anyways, I'm curious about what the things a person SHOULD do are, although, this has been posted about before. I'm not a sociopath, but we all have to deal with them from time to time, so it's good to know their weaknesses.

    I don't really understand how to recognize a female sociopath either... it seems like this personality disorder is more common in males? I notice more females that are borderline (and they can be similar in how much damage they can cause, but a borderline is way more emotional and likely to lose control). I've never met another woman I thought was a sociopath, so I wonder how the traits might express themselves differently. I'm a borderline female I think, but I wish I was more like a sociopath, because things can get very messy, very quickly, and I would rather be on the winning side rather than self-destructing while bringing others around down with me. Narcissism seems just as likely to express itself in a male or female in my experience.
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  17. Laura,

    start by thinking before you react. try to rehearse it in your head. what are you hoping to accomplish? where will becoming an emotional mess get you? what are you trying to achieve? as women it is more difficult on the emotional side but with practice you can learn to "dull" the emotions and think with strategy. you can play anyone at any time once you remove your emotions.
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  18. The conscienceless have more support than they've had in years, broken families, media driven fantasies, of fast money, and endless stories of people who think they can live on the edge and not get hurt. The Cable show (Dexter) glazes over the enormous amount of money Dexter needs; the lack of sleep, time spent away from his family life; broken promises, which for the moral are all unacceptable. The acient Greeks, have described this mental deviant thousands of years' ago...in the story of Narcissus.
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  19. The acient Greeks, have described this mental deviant thousands of years' ago...in the story of Narcissus.

    Narcissus was a pansy compared to Zeus (rapist/murderer) and the primordial Gods of both Greek/Babylonian/Mesopotamian origin. Interestingly, all were worshipped as the arbiters of morality regardless.
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  20. My mother is a sociopath. The abuse I have suffered at her hands (physical, mental and psychological is profound. I finally had a showdown with her and let her have it a couple years ago. She twisted everything around and told wild stories about me to my siblings. I have had no contact with her since then (two years ago) and never plan to again. My problem is trying to find peace within myself and forgiveness.
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  21. Elizabeth. Peace is in knowing that the incident was in the past. What happened is what happened and there is nothing you can do about it now. If you feel you should have acted differently, tell your mom. She can take it or leave it but your duty is done. And it doesn't mean that you have to gain a new relationship with her.
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  22. I am living a real life horror story. I have come to understand that my sons father is a sociopath. I always knew he was crazy but I have just informed myself that technically he is a sociopath. Well, not always, I saw it first when I was 3 months pregnant. I have always tried to make him happy. We met when I was 19 and I fell head over heals for him. So naturally, being charismatic, I wanted to make him happy, so we could live happily ever after. It is now 8 years later and he is my only enemy on Gods Green Earth. We have been out of a relationship for 3 years now but he is still a night mare. The last physical fight we had, he picked up a gun and hit me with it. That was my last straw. I left then and never went back.


    I know he loves me, but he cant control himself. The relationship was so bad, that I had to think of everything I wanted to say 3 times before I actually spoke, because it could lead to a physical fight. By the time I left, I had lost 30 pounds from being a nervous wreck. Anyway, i have tried to be civil for the sake of our son, but if he cant have the both of us, he has a huge problem. So now, it has come to the point where he doesn't see our child at all. But he cries wolf to people and the court system that I have taken him away. When in fact,I have never denied him visitation but naturally the arrangements come to an end because I refuse to be bullied, manipulated, disrespected, or threatened.

    Now I don't want him around my son at all, ever. Ever again in life. I wreck my brain with it all the time. But,how much abuse can one person take, when I have tried to be rational for so long. My mom has tried to be a third party, his sister has tried to be a third party, his mom has tried to be a third party. He destroys it with everyone. It has cost me a lot of scars and money. I truly fear him. (oh, i forgot to mention he is clinically diagnosed bipolar schizophrenic, I didn't find that out until my son was 2)

    I don't want him to know where I stay, or anything. Stuck in a sticky situation! I want my son to have his father but his father doesn't "truly" want to be a father. He wants to be a DICTATOR over me. I told him that as far as I am concerned he doesn't exist and if he ever steps foot on my door step for any reason, I will attack him like a stranger. I figure, he has threatened to kill me so many times,........ If he is around but not invited he must be there to fight. Better me to get him before he gets me......

    The law is only reactive, so I cant depend on it for any type of safety. He is very cunning, sneaky, and slick. I keep my guards up constantly, now that my fiancee and I have separated, i feel extra vulnerable.

    My last dilemma is how to deal with the rest of his family. His oldest sister doesn't have much to do with him, so I don't mind taking my son to and from seeing her. But his younger sister and his mom still deal with him. The younger sister has two children that my son absolutely adores. In an effort to keep his relationship with his favorite cousins, do I risk my life, my sanity?
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  23. A true story.
    Cruise by Alex Stofa
    When retired airline pilot Mac Knight and counselor Lynn Baker plan their annual three month summer cruise to the Bahamas, Both Lynn's and Mac's past bring a new dimension into their plans and into their cruise.
    In this fast moving page turner be a voyeur into the word of bigger than life sociopath Mac as he juggles living ghosts of his past with the promise of a future with Lynn. Be the fly on the wall as level headed Lynn, guided by her psychic childhood friend, deals with her own resurrected ghosts as Mac’s past unfolds before her eyes.
    Their passion keeps their romance together. But is their passion enough to stand time?

    Preview Cruise:
    http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/96859
    ReplyDelete

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