“Excitement and depression, fortune and misfortune, pleasure and pain are storms in a tiny private, shell-bound realm – which we take to be the whole of existence. Yet we can break out of this shell and enter a new world.”
I believe this to be true as well. I am doing some intense work to develop compassion, understanding, kindness, etc. All those "human" attributes I seem to be programmed not to have. I'm realizing those charicteristics do exist in sociopaths, but are dwarfed compared with what empaths experience. While I can tap into those things for those who I view as friends and family, I am almost incapable of doing so for people I dislike. Especially if you've crossed me in some way. Anger, resentment and revenge are the default programming. I realize trying to re-program my hard wiring is ambitious to say the least. Currently, I am discovering how painful it is to view the world from outside the shell. I am frightened of the world when I am not insulated by my shell. I dislike being vulnerable.
I find it hard to dig up those feelings for even my closest friends, only two of my family members I genuinely feel for, everyone else I just fake it...so when it comes to people who crossed me or I feel might, there is nothing there, nothing real.
Damn. I never thought I’d see an Eknath Easwaran quote here. Awesome.
Wildchildgirly said, “I am doing some intense work to develop compassion, understanding, kindness, etc.”
Why?
“Currently, I am discovering how painful it is to view the world from outside the shell. I am frightened of the world when I am not insulated by my shell. I dislike being vulnerable.”
Ok, is this a spiritual thing, as in, you are attempting to transcend your ego so that you can get enlightened or become one with the universe and all that jazz?
Daniel, I think you are right about "all that jazz" since it does seem like Wildchild is trying to ascend to a higher level of self by trying intensely to nurture those “human” or “humane” attributes, develop those humane traits.
Wildchild, I find it ironic that you said “programmed” instead of born, implying that you are more mechanical then anything else. I mean, if you’re such a terminator then why try to develop data you clearly weren’t designed to have in the first place? Maybe by not having those systematical attributes, you are on some primal level, more human then humane, since those traits you so badly desire are all the things a humane person would have instilled in them from the get go, which you said you were clearly “programmed" to not have.
Have you thought about the reasons you want these emotions and do you know why you think you’ll be better with them then you are without them?
I don't feel that I am in a shell at all. I can feel excitement and the rest. But I've never viewed myself as being in a shell-bound realm. I view myself more as watching over or above the world. Seeing it for what it is, and being able to see each person as they are. A better way to explain it is seeing it through special glasses that let me see everything for what it really is and work with it. I don't find the need to break out or join. I don't want to be intimate and share my emotions with others. Why should I?
Wildchild, I tried to do that for almost 5 years, and all it did was make me miserable and frustrate me.
When I'd empathize with people, their problems would disturb me greatly, to the point where I'd want little else but to fix them. Unfortunately, I found that people don't really want their problems fixed. Finding a solution to their problem would undermine the validity and importance of their feelings, and that's apparently a no-no.
I couldn't handle that. My own emotions drive me crazy if I don't address them, so I begin taking steps to mitigate them immediately.
If I'm too excited, I fix it. If I'm frightened, I fix it. If I'm bored, I fix it. If I'm sad, I fix it. So forth and so on.
Trying to cling to someone else's emotions, when they refuse to even consider a logical resolution, was not only deeply disturbing, but felt downright stupid. I couldn't keep it up, and it almost invariably ended with me feeling angry and disgusted with them, and sometimes even with myself. I was left with less respect for their feelings than I'd had to begin with, and the longer I tried to suppress it, the worse it became. They just seemed so fucking dumb, I felt even dumber for letting their idiocy affect me unnecessarily, which pissed me off even more.
I find I'm much happier if I just go on not giving a shit, and my relationships with people are better as a result.
Why are you striving for this? What do you hope to gain?
Did you ever try being consistently honest? I'm talking about real, heart-felt honesty, not just speaking the truth. If so, how did that turn out for you?
Was there ever a time when you thought your emotions were normal? If so, how did you discover that they weren't?
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“Excitement and depression, fortune and misfortune, pleasure and pain are storms in a tiny private, shell-bound realm – which we take to be the whole of existence. Yet we can break out of this shell and enter a new world.”
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