Thursday, November 5, 2009

My story, for whatever it's worth (part 2)

A reader writes (cont.):
I make it sound easy or even simple. But it wasn’t. It was hard. It was confusing. It was painful. It was hard seeing everyone live a life that at least on the surface, made sense to them. It was painful seeing over and over again that I would never be part of their world without pretending. The fact that I knew I was pretending while they were being sincere made the alienation worse. I went through a time of hating them. I hated everything they stood for, everything they said they believed in. I also went through a time where I seriously indulged my delusions of grandeur. I figured since I could never truly be ordinary in the sense that other people were, I’d be extraordinary. I made so many mistakes during this time, so many errors and lapses in judgment. All because I didn’t know what I was. At last, I’ve figured it out.

While I was on my quest to understand what evolution made me for, to use a figure of speech, I set up a comfortable but boring life for myself. Steady work, a small studio apartment, isolation from family and friends and lots of reading, thinking, and me time was and is my life. I’m ready to change all that. Now that I understand what I am, I want to ‘play the game’. It’s time I used my instinctive psychological insight to my advantage rather than to just maintain the status quo the way I have been. I also want challenge. I want to push myself mentally and physically in ways that I never have before.


  1. What if they are *all* pretending?

  2. Anon, I tend to think they all are to one degree or another. The difference is they aren’t fully aware of it.

  3. I love your blog. I've been reading it for a while. I cross paths with a lot of sociopaths, and have entered in romantic relationships with a couple, not realizing it until much later. It is such a small part of the population, I wonder if I am the type of person sociopaths seek out, or it is simply because I am seeking out what I'm used to. If you have any ideas post 'em.

  4. If you're magnetized to sociopaths it's usually because you need direction and leadership. That can make or break you depending upon the sociopath you decide to team up with. Sociopaths are typically drawn to intraverts and submissive people.

  5. On the article:

    That's what you got to do mate. You bugger it all up, step back, and reflect. Most of us just say fuck all for our whole life and never know what were doing to ourself. Unless you know what you are going to do and how your mind reacts to situations your going to be stuck on some mid level rung on the ladder. If you step back for a minute and figure yourself out you have a good chance of winning.

  6. Christina--Are you a very emotional and overly empathetic person?

    In my experience, if you are those things, sometimes it is far easier to be with someone who doesn't *need* that side of you. Someone who just thinks it is cute but has no real need for you to use it on them.

    If you walk around being forced by nature to feel everyone else's emotions and pain every second of every day, it can be a breath of fresh air to have someone who doesn't demand that of you. A sanctuary from the emotional storm of daily life.

    If you are an emotional person, you may be seeking them out.

  7. Anonymous said...

    What if they are *all* pretending?

    I was just thinking the same thing, in fact I wonder the same thing often.

  8. I sometimes wonder if im a sociopath. What is a one question or couple i could ask myself to find the answer?

    I think I had lots of shared feelings growing up with my friends and family and thought that i was somewhat like them, but the older and wiser i get the more i start to think that i never even understood them. I just thought i understood them, but now that i found out what they were really meaning then, and not what i interpreted myself, i realize i dont really understand them. Most of the time i have really hard time connecting with people, and in social situations lot of the time i work like a robot inside my mind, and i would just want the conversation to go on robotically without any deeper meanings interrupting the flow. I get bored easily in situations like that.

    I never understood why you couldnt force someone to do something, because it would discriminate their freedom of choice if it would be better for them to do that. And i have never really trusted anyone, at least since my teenage years, i believe.

    Maybe i have grown up to be somewhat sociopath because of my upbringing (alcoholic father, mentality disorders in my family).. i dont know really.


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  11. Or you can order our platinum member card through paypal like Daft

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. UKan said...
    "Or you can order our platinum member card through paypal like Daft"


    You could just fool UKan and make him hate you, then change your name and cause him to like you, even call you sharp, before he realizes who you are and reveal how dumb he is. That should earn you this so called membership.

    Hell, I did it, more then he knows.


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