Ruining people: months later

C.: Hey

M.E.: Hey there

C.: Have you done anything with K. lately?

M.E.: Not lately. But I think things are okay. We have pseudo-good interactions. As good as can be expected.

C.: Haha

M.E.: K. doesn't trust me, and for good reason. K. doesn’t know the reason, probably thinks any feelings of mistrust are just grounded in jealousy so tries to ignore them, but they are actually well-founded.

C.: Well-founded?

M.E.: Yeah, I am constantly trying to manipulate or set K. up for something.

C.: Why?

M.E.: Because (1) I can (2) part of me thinks K. deserves it because K. has power over me -- I'm just striking first. But of course K. doesn't know or care about any power over me. That's why I'm such a scary person

C.: You're scary? I think you're nice. Or is it possible to be scary and nice?

M.E.: I want to be nice, but the side of me that is smart and good at manipulation and scared wants to control. Wants to let people know that I have the power, wants to convince myself that I am still in some semblance of control. Because I feel like K. as all the control.

C.: Just let go.

M.E.: I know! I try! I really do, I fight all of this. It is just so natural for me, though, and so tempting. I will do it both on accident and as an indulgence. Yhe indulgence part is the really shameful part.

C.: Well, we all have our hobbies. Shameful and otherwise.

M.E.: True. But, I mean, I can see why K. is distrustful, but attracted to me as a friend because I am sorta nice. It's just a delicate balance. I think K. understands that I might be an enemy, realizes that we are rivals. and maybe K likes that I want you two to be together, or maybe K. hates it and hates me even more thinking that I could have you and don't care to.

C.: Yeah, probably. What a tangled web.

M.E.: Yeah. So I have backed off of K.

C.: I see. You have a pretty sophisticated way of assessing relationships, I must say.

M.E.: Sophisticated or freaky. I mean, this is why I am able to tweak with people. I'm like an alcoholic who works at a winery.

C.: What's an example of being able to tweak someone?

M.E.: Haha, you of all people should know. Probably the best example was how I pushed you to seduce K and then "ruined" you. You are a willing player in my machinations, even from the first time you presented K. to me at that party. It was like a cat bringing back to the owner a rat that it had killed. There was always a weird vibe about our interactions.

C.: You wanted to ruin me? Haha.

M.E.: I told you that at the time. I said something like, "I have this sudden impulse to ruin you for K."

C.: Ah, I must have not heard that. But, nonetheless, it's the thought that counts. Haha.

M.E.: Yeah, you probably stopped listening after "impulse."

C.: Probably so.